mylovemyweakness

[mylovemyweakness]

Lets pretend to fall asleep now

I helped you twist the knife into me

I couldn’t feel a thing

I thought I was falling the right way

And that’s what hurt the most

[mylovemyweakness]

Banana Bread and Apple Juice

He texted me one day and I asked me how I was, I said “I feel ugh, you know?” and he let me speak to him, hours on end, but for a price of my dignity and self respect.  I remember you imagining us on your bed together

not doing anything wrong, 

But we were watching the old batman films

You had them on vhs

I remember calling you at midnight 

and you left your party 

Just to speak to me

Because we hadn’t spoken in a week 

You told me you were happy to hear from me

You told me that you missed me

I remember calling you on my mother’s birthday

And we spoke for almost three hours

Until 2:30 am about everything 

And it didn't matter who spoke more or less, 

Or what we spoke about

We just were simply happy to listen to each other

Our voices again

I remember you calling  me and telling me

Once i got better you would take me to the movies

And wed watch something

Together

I remember calling you when i got bad again

I was in hospital again and you promised me

You would come to visit me

And you would bring me banana bread and apple juice

I remember hearing your morning voice 

Telling me that eventually,

I will get better

We’d eat toasted banana bread 

Drink too much apple juice 

Together

I remember the nurse calling me

“you‘ve got a phone call”

I pick up the phone and hear it was you

You told me that i would get better soon

I remember you being the only person i believed

When everyone was telling me 

“It will get better soon”

And that “it gets better”

I remember calling you every 2-3 days 

In the hospital,

Trying not to seem to eager or desperate,

Even though i was

I remember the nurse dialling your number

As I recited it to them.

They passed the telephone through the hole in the plexi glass

Only to realise you don’t pick up after the seventh beep

I remember that happening for almost two weeks

I remember you never coming to see me 

In the hospital

Even though other friends did

I remember walking through woods, 

Listening to two songs on repeat 

Through earphones i wish i could strangle myself with

Thinking that maybe i could call you

Maybe you would finally pick up

Because i needed someone's help

I thought you would understand

And yours was the only number i had memorized

I remember telling you how bad i had got

Showing you the scars and open wounds

Hoping that you would accept the mess i was

I remember you being shocked and scared

And all you could say was

Im sorry 

I remember the voices wouldn't stop

And that i couldn't control the self hatred

I told you i didn't deserve you

Updated you on how ugly i had drawn myself to be

With the use of cheap, stolen pencil sharpener blades

I told you i’m not who you saw me as the last time you saw me;

Over a month ago

I remember you telling me 

Promising me

That you didn't want us to end

I remember knowing i had ruined it

I remember other friends organizing a welcoming party for me

Once i got discharged

And you didn't want to come 

And i respected that

I remember you showed up anyways

And was shocked i actually left my house for once

Shocked to see me in the flesh

I remember being shocked too

I said hi as you awkwardly nodded your head, 

Acknowledging my presence

And then walking away with your hat

That you gave me

That kept me sane for the last month and a half

I remember knowing i had ruined it

I remember being stressed and needed to talk

So I thought you would listen.

You were nervous and i knew i needed to apologize for ruining it

I remember you saying “about that…”

I remember you saying that you think it might be best if we just chilled for a bit.

I remember being so shocked 

All i could say was 

“Sounds fair”

I remember losing my will to live:

You

I remember crying until i couldn't

I ruined everything else i had in my life 

I remember mother calling the police on me

As they held me down

Sedated me 

And threw me back in the back of the ambulance, 

And put me back in hospital

I remember still wanting to die 

And crying over you

And needing a hug but not getting one

I remember coming out of the hospital 

Again

But with a better plan

I remember saving meds for the next 5 days

Hiding them in the tin geometry set box, 

Beneath the rulers and protractors.

I remember being calm 

Listening to a playlist 

Dedicated to you

At 1 am in the morning 

Indulging in the pills 

And knowing this was,

Happily,

The end

I remember slicing my arms 

Until they looked like bloody gills from a fish

And watching my arms bleed out, 

With blood gathering in a puddle on each of my leggings

I remember laughing as i sang to the songs i loved

The songs you loved too

That night

Waiting for me eyes to fail on me, 

and then eventually my whole body, 

For good this time

I remember waking

10 hours later 

By screams of anger 

And disgust

And shock

And disappointment

By my family and the voices

I remember being waking,

And being hurt more than anything ever

Because it didnt fucking work

Again.

I remember shaming myself for it

For weeks,

Knowing i had failed myself 

And everyone around me

Again. 

I remember realising that i couldn't call you about it 

Knowing i had no more of you

But a ring you slipped on my finger one day

The ring that my father

Kept telling me to take off

Because it wasn't mine anymore

And i didnt deserve it

And i couldn't be mad at him 

For saying that

Because he was right

I remember waiting for you to come back

Knowing that you wouldn't

I remember still constantly thinking of you

And wanting to know

Why i failed you

And how i could make it better

I remember losing interest in trying to make amends with everyone

Losing interest in my playlists

Losing interest in eating

Losing interest in what my doctors were telling me

All i wanted was to just sleep

Forever

But the voices.

I remember sitting on my bed tonight

Waiting for all of this remembering to stop

Crying myself to sleep

It be 3:09 am

Smelling the snot and tears dry on my pillows

I remember my mother coming to sit on my bed

Asking if there was anything you could do to help

“No”, the voices said 

“No”, I said to my mother.

[mylovemyweakness]

[mylovemyweakness]

Any minor inconvenience: *happens*

Me and the boys:

[mylovemyweakness]

Easier

I wanted my username to be weakest potatoes but i couldnt so fuck whoever has a great brain like mine 

She wondered why she bothered to struggle to make everyone she cared for happy. When they don't care for her and they don't make her happy. she wondered what the point was to live a life that is mostly sad, all to die in the end, after experiencing more sadness. Was it so nice things in life seemed more enhanced or significant to her compared to others? She looked at her friends and wondered why she couldn’t feel happy like them, why she couldn’t be pretty like them, why she couldn't be thin like them, why she couldn’t wear the same expensive shoes as everyone else, or at least, why she couldn’t fit in, feel like a normal person, be a normal person, as her so-called father says; Be a normal kid, we know there’s nothing actually wrong with you. She opened her wrists in simple satisfaction, and wondered why she hadn’t done it much more often before. She wondered why she couldn’t release everything in her head, why she couldn’t release everything under her skin. 

The tears in her eyes reflected a pain that not even she could bare. The tears wouldn’t fall; instead they built up, like all of her problems; they wouldn’t release, leaving her eyes blurred in vision, so that she could only see sadness. 

Constantly