mymindssecrets

[mymindssecrets]

I've been trying to get back into writing. I started yet another blog - I know, I know - to start writing stuff out. I made it private and so far have added a couple entries based off creative writing prompts. I also have the beginnings of a story / novel / who knows what drafted. I guess we'll see where it all goes.

s/o my husband for encouraging me to make the extra tumblr so I could start writing.

[mymindssecrets]

My last post was March 31, 2018. It's... insane how much life can change in five and a half years.

I dealt with those feelings of not belonging for a while. I've always been kind of a black sheep in my family and sometimes things just happen that remind me of that. I felt very out of place being back in my hometown. I moved back here for because a relative was supposed to be getting surgery and needed the help, but after I moved back they just... decided not to do it. I've never forgotten that. I felt almost betrayed to be honest. My lease was up for renewal and it felt like a good time to leave Austin, but then I was suddenly stuck back here and extremely unhappy. I never ended up going back to school or moving out of state like I wanted to, but things have a habit of working out for the best.

I got a second job to get myself out of debt. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I was honestly kind of thriving, at least as best as I could living in a place I didn't want to be. Then everything changed...

I was on dating apps forever. Most matches didn't go anywhere, but I wasn't worried about it. After a while I was just on them to make matches and have flirty conversations, as bad as that may sound. I wasn't looking for anything whatsoever. Then I matched with the man who changed everything.

Five and a half years ago I felt out of place and at a dead-end. I didn't know how I would get out of it. Now I'm happily married to the love of my life thinking about how crazy it is I felt that way once.

I looked back through my original blog and saw all the posts from high school and a bit of college, and I just.. All the immature drama through high school break ups. I was so young and naïve. All the heartbreak I went through. I wish I could give my past self a hug and tell her it would all be okay in the end. I remember the tears and heartache like it was yesterday and am amazed at how far I've come.

I'm finally happy, and so in love with my life.

[mymindssecrets]

Whoops

I feel kind of bad that I opened this blog and used it to rant like three times then never posted anything else lol. I just added a private blog to get back into writing so I should probably use this one a bit more.

[mymindssecrets]

This isn’t home anymore

I want to move back to Austin.

I grew up here and it will always hold a special place in my heart, but it’s not home. I lived in Austin for over five years and really grew into the person I am today while there.

The crazy thing is I never imagined I’d miss Austin as much as I do now. I still want to move out of Texas at some point...

The plan is to begin law school next Fall (if I get in) at ideally attend UT Austin and live there for another three years before really getting my shit together. But.. what if... I just... don’t? I’ve always wanted to move out of Texas, right? I’ve wanted to be in Colorado since I visited last March. Why not just move there?

I wish it were that easy.

[mymindssecrets]

On that note...

I’m aware it’s dumb. I’m aware I shouldn’t be stuck on this guy I dated almost ten years (holy fuck, has it really been that long?? It doesn’t feel like it’s been more than a few...) ago. I’m aware that what I stated at the end of my rant is probably true - we would’ve broken up eventually anyway. But it doesn’t matter. I have this sadness about it and I can’t help it.

The mind is a funny thing.

[mymindssecrets]

What I’m dealing with today

I hate that I can't talk to anyone about this. I would just be seen as some miserable bitch who can’t get over something that happened forever ago.

So, when I was in high school I dated this guy (let’s call him O) the summer before my junior year (he had just graduated). I really liked him, and he really liked me. We spent the summer going to Six Flags and just hanging out with our other two friends (L, who was in my grade and was already friends with them and introduced me to O, and S, who had also just graduated and who we had just had math with the school year before and I was cool with). Eventually our other friend A (who was in mine and L's grade) started tagging along with us.

Anyway, things were great and my summer was awesome. I had a great boyfriend, I had these two amazing best friends, and a close guy friend in S. I won't say I fell in love with O and I'm not sure we were together long enough for me to really love him, but I liked him a lot and really cared for him. Well, we hit complication city when his crazy ex came into the picture.

Funny enough, I had been on a church retreat with this girl a few years prior. But when I say crazy ex, I mean crazy ex. Basically was obsessed with O. Would call me saying things like "O is mine, back off," or "You need to stay away from O, I don't know why you think you're really with him," or my personal favorite, "O and I are engaged sorry to break it to you but he gave me this gorgeous ring and yeah he doesn’t care about you just leave us alone." I'm not even sure how she had my number to be 100% honest. So, eventually, O felt it was best to break up. He was sorry for putting me through any of it and didn't think it was fair to me if he made me deal with his baggage. I was pretty heartbroken. Didn't hang out with the group the rest of the summer, just L and A sometimes. S reached out to me to tell me he was so sorry things went that way because he knew how happy I'd been. Time went on and of course I eventually had to let it go even though it made me sad, but L and A really helped me through it.

Fast forward a year and a half, and I find out A has begun dating O. I felt so much anger that she would do that to me, she had been one of my best friends! I didn't say anything though. I'd had a boyfriend since O, and A and I really weren't all that close anymore, so I didn't think I really had any right to be upset... but I was. She had been one of my best friends, had helped me get through the break up and crying and heartbreak when he broke up with me, and here she was dating him. Taking him to our prom. It hurt. A lot. But, I let it go. I take pride in the fact that I always look at both sides of stories and try to think my actions through before I go crazy over something that really doesn't warrant a reaction, and that's what I did in that situation. I didn't say anything. I started dating a guy who I ended up moving with and going through college with - we dated for four years (though we’ve been broken up since 2016). I would see pictures of A and O and get a little sad thought but ultimately am just happy for them. I believe that if two people are meant to be together, they will be.

Which brings us to today... their wedding day. My heart is heavy and I feel so incredibly sad about it. I can't even explain why. I've known for a long time that they're great together. I figure that if we had stayed together we would have eventually broken up anyway, who knows what for... but I think that's just it. Who knows. I think what bothers me the most is that we never even got a chance to really be together. To even have an argument. To really learn everything about each other. To see if who we would grow into as adults would work together. We broke up because the timing was off and he had things to deal with, and our relationship never even had a chance. I guess that's why it bothers me so much. Like deep down I know that they're probably great for each other and him and I wouldn't have lasted and I do wish them nothing but happiness... but it still causes me sadness. I wish it didn't, but it does. So I'm here sitting in my room, crying because of this. My whole life is a mess and I hate where I am right now and this just adds to it.

[mymindssecrets]

Hi.

I created this blog in addition to my main one because I need a place to rant about things. Too many people that follow my old blog know who I am personally (I have no idea how many of them still use Tumblr but it doesn’t matter) and I need to say things I don’t want anyone I know knowing.

So, if you’ve happened to stumble upon this, welcome to a blog that will serve as a sort of diary, in a sense. I’ll probably mostly post about the negative things in my life here but I guess we’ll see where it goes.