A Forever Blessed Sweet Sinner | A Life Long Perpetual Learner
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Ya Allah, maaf aku ga bisa perform dengan se-bare minimum baiknya hambaMu, mohon bimbing aku, tuntun aku, ampuni aku, kuatkan aku.
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still mourning and grieving, Buk, my eternal regret for taking you for granted has been stabbing right on my chest, why dont you just take me with you, Buk? I dont think this place belong to me anymore
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Again. Kembali merasa ingin lenyap ditelan bumi.
Capek bangem dengan kegelisahan dan ketidakberdayaan ini. Sampe bikin psikomatis berupa pening dan sesak napas.
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Ternyata jihad terbesarku ialah melawan keburukanku sendiri: mager, malas, menunda-nunda, doomscrolling.
Berujung pada brain rot. Naudzubillah. Ya Rabb lindungi si lemah ini dari "kehancuran diri sendiri", aku tidak ingin dzalim pada diriku Ya Allah.
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Manifesting for sure
“The most dangerous woman is the one who's soft by nature but ruthless with her standards. She'll love you deeply, but she'll leave you without flinching.”
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Manifesting "I am she, she is me"
“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
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There must be Invisible String why this post just came to me. Another forever reminder🤍

Be certain about your future because the One who controls is عالم الغيب والشهادة — the Knower of the Unseen and the Seen. The One who controls every element of your life, every move you lift, every gesture you make, and every word you utter. The rope of your entire being is in His hands, your heart is between the fingers of the fingers of the Most Merciful, and every single decision of yours is by His Will. Whatever happens, happens by His Will and is best for you. Whatever misses you was never meant for you. And whatever is meant for you will never miss you. Rest assured, He will never waste you. Have good thoughts of Your Rabb and expect nothing but khayr.
Clinging to the past or worrying about the future won’t help you one bit, but focusing on the present and striving to attain His pleasure definitely will.
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Yaa Allah, sudah mentok ga tau gimana harus menghadapi anxiety ini. Kutitipkan diriku sepenuhnya dalam GenggamanMu.
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Yaa Allah did I just make a big mistake just by simply asking?
Aku tak pernah memiliki kontrol atas apa yang di luar diriku. Bahwa sejatinya pun, aku tak pernah miliki kuasa atas diriku sepenuhnya.
Engkau menghadirkan Bu ART padaku untuk membantuku dan aku sungguh sangat terbantu. Namun jujur beberapa hal membuatku merasa there is something off yang meskipun ga krusial banget, dan mungkin juga hanya bentuk dari prasangka buruk ku.
Aku memohon padamu beri aku petunjuk bagaimana sebaiknya aku bersikap dan mengambil langkah terkait hal ini Yaa Rabb. Engkau lah tumpuan hidup matiku. Hanya pada Mu lah aku mengadu dan meminta pertolongan. Tolong aku Ya Rabb
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Bismillah
Yaa Allah, dengan segala kurang dan khilafku, aku mohon kuatkan aku untuk menjalankan apa yang memang seharusnya aku jalankan. aku tau aku harus melakukan ini, namun jiwa ragaku seolah meronta ingin tetap tinggal. aku memohon kepadamu mampukan aku menerjang kabut kali ini, untuk bisa menuju cahaya terang, menjalankan kebaikan yang rasanya kini makin berat. namun ku yakin, dengan IzinMu, aku akan mampu melalui semua. maka tolong lah aku Yaa Allah. Hasbunallah Wani'mal Wakiil
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probably made a mistake, but again, no more forcing anyone to stay, if they want to go away, i'll just let them be. my well-being will never be defined by how much anyone else's desire to stay beside me. i need to be whole already to be the truest me. i need to be enough with myself.
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i fail today. and the feeling of acknowleding my failure just breaks me into pieces. i dont deserve this life, i guess. i'll neber be good enough as human being. am i?
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30 yo and still can't capture my future self in a marriage. because I guess, aku belum selesai dengan diriku sendiri. but hey, I think kita ga akan pernah ngerasa benar-benar selesai dengan diri sampai ajal menjemput ga sih. so I start to think, probably the main reason is simply because I feel like I'm not enough with myself. I'm used to think I have to achieve something to increase my value. sebuah konsep yang salah pake banget dari dua POV. first of all, dari POV nya Allah, lah kan laki perempuan itu di hadapan-Nya sama, yang bedain cuman kadar imannya (which could be a broad meaning yaaa), tapi intinya hal-hal duniawi yang kita kejar kalo tidak bisa jadi support system untuk beribadah pada-Nya, ya they all would mean NOTHING ga sih. and..second POV dari manusia, manusia yang tulus sayang sama kita itu would genuinely love us as who we are, tanpa memandang atribut materialis yang melekat pada kita. they would respect us for our value, dignity, kindess, brain (which matter if not most hehe), dan karakter kita yang terbalut dalam akhlak yang baik. (in which baik buruk nya ya as simple as told in Quran and Hadits ya).
Allahumma, demi apa nulis ngelantur kek gini. padal intinya cuman dapet insight (yang ter-highlight) bahwasanya Allah itu Maha Adil. Allah beri takdir bagiku dimana keluarga adalah sumber luka, namun Allah beri penawar luka itu pada circle pertemanan yang Masyaa Allah Tabarakallah banget buatku. Allahamdulillah banget untuk semua yang terjadi, aku akan mencoba ikhlas menjalani takdir ini, chill aja kalo masalah jodoh toh belum tau siapa duluan yang jemput: jodoh kah, Malaikat Maut kah? ya kann, jadi ya bismillah aja, ikhtiar menggapai ridho Allah semampu yang ku bisa.
speaking of this, 5 hari lagi bimbingan tesis tapi coding estimasi R ku belum berprogres, hmhm, semoga dalam hal duniawi aja aku deadlinernya :")
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