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Module 3: Perception of Parents, and Individuation

Well to be honest, the lesson didn’t seem to knew to me, but it made me sad to see that what I thought of for years now, about my dimmed perception of my parents, is actually based on theory. It’s actually true.

Nowadays, I honestly don’t give as much value to my parents now. As I said before about receiving stress from all the noise outside myself, they’re actually a big part of it, and it made me a bit sad realizing it’s natural to not look up to what they have to say as much as before.

I think then, what I need to work on, is reconciling the fact that even though we’re different now, part of a proper process of individuation, is the end of the journey, which is seeing them as equals again, and taking better account of what they have to say.

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Module 2: Socialization, Looking Glass Self and Presentation of the Self

To be honest, I’m not sure how I felt about the need for socialization. A lot of times, I try to imagine what it would be like if I just retreated from the world. Those times, I usually think that it would be in fact much easier being away from all the stress, and all the people (both loved ones and otherwise) who bring about that stress. I guess a part of me felt assured that different processes of socialization and group interaction are definitely things that I need in my life, while another part felt a bit scared that, I might not be engaging well enough in socialization, and therefore have stunted growth.

Besides that, with regards to the Looking Glass Self, I realized how much people’s perceptions of me really do affect how I look at myself. Often, I look and ask, “How did I seem here?”, “What did this thing I did come off as?”, things like that. I look for this sort of affirmation, and I guess sometimes that is problematic, sometimes it’s not. Either way, however, I think I can say that I actually have learned to cope with it better, at least compared to before. I think I’m more balanced now, when taking into account what others think, and how I actually want to be.

Now with regards to Presentation of the Self, I think that this is problematic because, often times, I really can’t tell what’s really in my heart. To make it sound less cheesy, I guess I can say that, often times, I don’t really know how I really want to come off as. As such, I present myself in different ways depending on the situation, and at times, I would break down thinking about the kind of person I really want to be. Though again, this is a problem I’ve learned to just live with better as well.

I guess what I can work towards is continuing to find that balance, of taking on the identity imposed upon me, and the true identity I actually want to reveal. I’d probably have to focus more on the latter, since who I really want to be is still the thing that is most unclear. My takeaway is that engaging more actively in more processes of socialization and interaction, instead of isolating myself at the wrong times, are what will help in answering the questions I have regarding the self I want to present.

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Module 2: Freud

Honestly, there were a lot of things that struck me in the discussion of Freud’s theories. First of all, I think that the discussion itself interested me a lot more, at least compared to other topics, because it really delved deep into the structuring of the mind, at least from Freud’s point of view, instead of just discussing our way of thinking at different stages in life. It was the sort of explanation I was looking for, I guess, for various aspects of my being, and it was enlightening, seeing that all these different thoughts come from different levels of one’s mind. 

For one, with regards to the structures of personality composed of the id, ego and super-ego, I guess I realized why I always feel so guilty about even the smallest things, especially when it comes to the sexual urges and habits of procrastination characteristic of teenagers and emerging adults. I think I was able to clear out that I have a very dominant or very imposing Super-ego, formed by what I’d call rather perfect home life, and a self-developed overly strict need to adhere to rules (to be perfect), both of which are countered by a constantly persisting Id. 

As such, many times, my Ego just really can’t tell how to balance when it needs to relax a bit and satisfy the Id, or when it needs to stick strictly to what the Super-ego wants. It gives a real bad headache, all the time, and feeds the insecurity that I don’t really know how to do anything, or how to decide what’s right for me. Defense mechanisms don’t help too much either. When I punch my cabinet to vent out frustrations, sometimes it just exasperates me even more, possibly because I don’t always try to figure out when I’m mad in the first place. 

Moreover, all this mere confusion, and the mere fact that I usually end up giving in or nearly giving into my Id, greatly exasperates my Super-ego as well, triggering more emotions of disappointment and self-hate that result in more reckless decisions. These often end up overly satisfying the Id anyway, or overly depriving it of its wants. Either way, it’s a really lost and confusing feeling. I’m not really sure if it’s a sign of a weak Ego or just a very tired one. 

With that, I guess my primary take away from this is to, first of all, take time to slow down and address my feelings. I would like to think that would allow my Ego to make better compromises between the Id and Super-ego, as well as effectively make better and proper use of defense mechanisms. 

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BINHI Reflections

I think that, with regards to the deaf community I was exposed to through our day of immersion, I discovered I’m in fact a bit scared to interact with them. Though the story of our instructor really tugged at me emotionally, trying to help them began to become a scarier concept as well, because as I learned more sign language and heard more about the situation, it felt like I was going to have to deal with a whole other world in trying to help them. Not trying to alienate them or anything, as that is definitely the last thing I would want, but it just somewhat felt that way. A bit scary and intimidating. I guess it was from a fear of messing up, and that sort of made me not want to try as much, which saddened me a lot.

Besides that, I was a bit saddened as well because I sort of lacked proper focus during the immersion. I had a bad headache coming from fatigue and stress about other requirements, and so it was therefore a bit difficult to open up myself, my mind, to this new experience of learning sign language from our instructor. Though it was interesting, and I guess life-giving (??), to have been able to hear about and begin to understand another  perspective, a story that I had never heard about before, I think my stress about other requirements and fatigue partly overshadowed the interest and desire to help that was awakened within me, and it saddened me to also see this in myself. I guess I could call it a small thing, but it made me sad seeing myself let my stress and fatigue get the better of me in an experience such as this, an experience that was supposed to also help me find a cause to support. It made me reflect that there were honestly probably a lot of times when I didn’t do enough to focus on things greater than myself, as was the case in letting other thoughts partly overshadow the learning experience I was trying to have.

Overall then, I think that honestly, it was a rather sad experience for me, as it made me realize I definitely had certain weaknesses in spite of my desire to understand and contribute to making life easier for those in the deaf community.

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Module 3: Identity in New Media

Honestly, I actually hardly post on social media now. These days, if you were to see a post from me on your feed it would usually just be a share or retweet. I guess that tells me that I don’t value social media too much? Actually, to be honest, I think that if I had a choice, I would actually prefer to forego social media altogether. Staring at a screen looking at things (or a lack of new things) mostly just gives me a headache, and deep down, I think I really see it as a pointless, or unsustainable, use of time. Social media’s only real honest purpose to me, I think, is that it helps me coordinate or stay updated with work and projects, or check up on my friends and see how they’re doing through whatever they post, share, tweet or retweet.

But I guess then I’ll just analyze these shares and retweets. From these, I think I can say that the things I share are things that I feel will either make people happy, or awaken them to certain issues.

I’ll start with the first I guess. I tend to post a lot of, what some people would call, “skwammy” videos and/or memes. I guess my drive for doing this is to distract myself from certain pressures, or in other words engage in some form of stress relief, by spreading the good vibes of these videos and memes.

However, nowadays, I also tend to share more substantial videos and infographics, usually about various social issues. Some examples include posts about waste, Duterte, killings, etc. Also tweets about Upsilon (a fraternity within UP that is currently under a lot of scrutiny, investigation, and frankly a lot of fire and hatred), men being trash, more talk about waste and the environment, more Duterte, more killings, etc.

This only started when I got to college, and I guess it’s my way of trying to find causes I support, especially after having met friends who are so very vocal about such causes. Since I’m not vocal myself, this is most likely my way of compensating, at least for the mean time.

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Letter to Self

Part 1 - Reflection

Disclaimer: I’m not sure if I can be fully honest, or speak about what I really want to speak about, for this question, because it’s a very personal question. I’m not sure I can just share how I feel or think about myself just like that. It’s not a very happy topic after all. I’m sorry about that, but hope you understand.

             I have a lot of problems when it comes to the concept of “why”, and I beat myself up a lot for the failures and the lack of fulfillment associated with these problems. I tend to overthink, and coupled with that, I always end up with the thought that “I don’t know”, or “I don’t know why I’m doing this”, either because I really don’t know, or because, deep down, I actually know, but I refuse to accept within myself the real reasons I’m doing something. I tend to live life in constant internal conflict, questioning my “why”, even during times that, supposedly, are supposed to be happy. It’s difficult for me to feel fulfilled, even in these moments, because I’m actually unsure why I’m even taking part in these moments. When I’m on a date with someone, for example, sometimes I think of whether it’s actually the person I’m with that I’m happy about, or simply the experience or the feeling I’m getting from all of it. It makes me feel extremely guilty and mad when I feel like or realize the truth is actually the latter. More concretely, another example would be that, when I was in High School, though I was always pegged to be the leader of my org, I can say that I failed a lot in that aspect, because in the end, I didn’t know anymore why I was serving this org, or if I even still believed in its people, and its purpose.

Part 2 - Letter to Self

Dear Paolo,

              Hey there :)) I hope you’re doing okay, wherever you are. I understand you have a lot of conflicts about you right now. I get that, even this homework, is making you really uncomfortable. I’m sure it’s hard for you to open up about it. But hey, I know you’re trying. I know you’re trying, with everything, and you should be proud of that. Be satisfied with that, so long as you don’t stop trying and going even farther.               I know that, you still have problems seeing “why” for the different things you do. But you know, that’s okay. I can’t expect you to know everything, to have everything figured out. Maybe, the “why” behind some of your baggage is simply you sticking to what, and who, you know. There’s just a couple things I want you to remember.               First is, slow down. Maybe the reason you’re still having these problems, is because you’re still going to fast. You are questioning enough, I’m sure, but you’re not slowing down to entertain these. It’s not gonna be enough, just praying that you’ll suddenly find enlightenment. It’s not enough, just writing down how you feel and what you think, when you don’t take time to process what these mean for you. I know these are the easier things to do, that bring you short moments of catharsis, but know that you can still do more for yourself.               Second is, be brave, and be open. Be an explorer. Be brave enough to deal with the possibility of seeing more ugly parts of yourself. Be open to the answers to those questions about yourself, and be open to the fact that in the end, with these answers, somehow, you will change, and you will need to change. Accept that this change is okay, and that everything, inside and out, is gonna be okay.               I love you deep down, even if sometimes, it may seem difficult. I’m proud of you for trying, trying even harder lately actually, and I’m excited to see what you’ll be able to do, slowing down, and taking in the sights, good and bad, exploring yourself.                                                                                                                Sincerely,                                                                                                                 Paolo

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Saturday! Sporty wowwww

Where?

My cousin Bella had invited me to watch the game with her at MOA Arena. She had two free Patron seat tickets (They have connections. They always get tickets like that, somehow 😅), but she was home alone, and so she asked if I wanted to come. I said yes because I wanted to be open to new experience. I had not gone to a game in years ‘till then, and also, I felt like supporting the school a bit HAHA

How was it a vacation for me?

It was a vacation because it was a new experience. Now, I’m not the type to join in with the Ateneo cheers (also ‘cause the Patron people we’re pretty quiet, aside from the two Titas behind me 😂), but I did cheer! That was fun HAHA. It was a nice fun vacation also because of the people around me. The crowd was a good crowd. It had its supportive Titas right behind and in front of us, an angry old man consistently screaming “Tangina mo Manuel!” somewhere at the back above us, and a Fr. Jett a couple of rows behind us to our right. And of course, my cousin was great company (Always is 😊). I get to catch up with her week, every time I see her, after all, and she usually has a lot of stories to tell me (Also my batchmate btw 😂).

How did it make me feel after?

I felt tired cheering HAHAHA. But of course, it was the good kind of tired. We won pretty easily so it was a rather chill, good vibes game, that had a lot of outstanding moments. I felt pretty lucky to watch live a winning game and experience the things I experienced. 

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Friday! Old friends ♥️

Where?

Friday night, after class, I left school to go to the gym with two of my best friends from High School. Unfortunately that didn’t push through due to complications 😅BUT the rest of the night was pretty good :)) I went over to my friend Carlos’ house where my other best friend Pio and a new guy named Micco were just chilling. We got to pick up an old priest from our High School days from the Arete for a celebration at Carlos’ (after seeing Fr. Jett and Missy Maramara, both of whom actually knew us and were very pleasant HAHA), while two other High School friends came and joined in as well. I got to eat lechon eyes and tongue 🙂

How was it a vacation for me?

I wasn’t there as long as the others, and we didn’t really get to have any deep catch up or anything, but t was very very refreshing to see and hangout with guys I barely get to interact with anymore (aside from Carlos, who is my batchmate and schoolmate). The whole night, everyone just wanted to pour out good vibes unto each other (like when I ate the gummy tasteless eyeballs HAHHA), and that was a great sight and experience 😊

How did it make me feel after?

Of course I was happy hehe. I don’t really know what else to say about it. That’s how I usually feel, after all, when I get to hang out with old friends for that long. Kind of felt like High School, in a way, but also not, knowing we’re all very different and have grown a lot for sure. 

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Thursday! Spread the GVs yum

Where?

After SocSci, the block stopped over at Gonzaga for lunch, before heading to JSEC. I went to the second floor Bacsilog stall where the nice, pretty Ate was. I was really iffy about giving the note, since it says there after all “You’re very pretty po” (the most innocent thing I’ve heard myself say AHAHA), but I worked around that by slipping the note under her laptop (which she was using for accounting) while ordering Bacsilog. I gave the food to Sas afterwards, since all I really came there to do was leave Ate with the note HAHA 

How was it a vacation for me?

There’s a certain exhilaration you can get from dealing with strangers, all the more leaving them a compliment of course. 

How did it make me feel after?

Well I was smiling walking away, partly because it was maybe slightly embarrassing (HAHHA), and partly because I was thinking of how she’d probably be laughing a bit reading the note. It was a very light, good vibes feeling. And also a bit exhilarating of course 😊

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Wednesday! Quiet time 😌

Where?

It was a bit late at night. I was at the dinner table, and I was at the end of my studies when I decided to do a bit of journal writing.

How was it a vacation for me?

I wasn’t able to write in my journal for a long time, maybe ‘cause things were piling up, and a lot of things were going by really fast. This was a nice chance for me to slow down, and recollect myself, my thoughts, and my feelings, and spill them unto my journal record.

How did it make me feel after?

I felt lighter. I was holding all those thoughts, emotions and insights for some time, so it was nice to finally see where I was really, emotionally and mentally. It also made me fall asleep. I guess that’s what feelings of peace can do to you 😅

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Infographics of Feelings

Besides what’s already in the infographic, I guess I’ll just point out that one of the recurring themes for the more negative emotions (Anger, Fear, Sadness), is the fear of becoming, or being, a “bad person” (”You either die a hero, or live long enough, to see yourself become the villain”, it’s a line from Dark Knight that I used to really like), which stems from being unsure of the real reasons behind why I do certain things. 

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Global and Local Identities

Honestly, when we were asked to identify the global and local identities within ourselves, I was a bit confused and found it a bit difficult to come up with a concept. 

After all, for one, I’m a full Filipino. I’ve lived here all my life, and my mixed blood (1/16 Chinese, I think?) is hardly a big enough part of me to really be called mixed blood, or impose any sort of foreign cultural traditions and norms on how I live my life. 

More importantly, for another thing, I think that, a Filipino to me, these days, is an extremely global citizen. The Filipino culture that a lot of us grew up in is one that is greatly influenced by Western tradition, so it’s a bit hard to differentiate which parts are genuinely Filipino. 

But anyway, I had to come up with something for the assignment, so I tried isolating some big parts of my personality instead. I’ll try my best then to categorize those parts under global and local identities. 

You can see in the collage (the background photo is my actual face by the way) pictures of earphones, a shadowy family, a journal, a cross, and three social media icons (Instagram, Twitter, and Messenger). I’m just listing them down here since I didn’t get to take a photo of the final product before I passed it in class (Forgot we needed one for the blog HAHA)

The earphones, I guess, for starters, are more a part of my global identity. The music I listen to is mostly Western after all, and more importantly, my earphones help me relax, shut the world out, and calm my thoughts when I need to. That means, I might end up ignoring my family sometimes, which means I might end up going against some more Filipino family-centric traditions at times. 

Speaking of family, shadowy family icon indicates that, though I require time to myself at times, family is still a big part of my life. They are, after all, a safe place to be happy in, and one I can always come back to. I don’t think they actually clash with the “earphones” aspect as much as I thought it would, since my family understands that sometimes I just need to be alone and think. In fact, they actually compliment this by providing another escape and comfort from outside stress.

Right below that photo is the cross icon (positioned around my forehead area). Again, this is another part of my local identity, I guess, since Filipinos are a very religious, and Catholic people. More personally, and more importantly, the icon is there to emphasize that my prayer life is a very big part of me. It keeps me grounded, and like my family, I think it’s another big thing I like to come back and escape to when I feel troubled, when even simple peace and quiet doesn’t work. I think that’s one common thing about the local aspects of myself. 

Besides the aforementioned, there’s also a photo of a journal positioned around my cheek area. Journaling is a big part of my life, because I have a need to write down events and learnings from life, in order to better process things, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I guess it can be called a form of self-reflection, meaning it goes in line with the prayer aspect of my life, and therefore can most probably be drawn from local traditions. 

Finally, there are the three social media icons. In spite of my need for peace, quiet and isolation at times, I think that, still, I have this huge dependency on my online connection to others, specifically being able to see what is happening in the lives of my friends. It’s a way for me, I guess, to avoid working on what I have to do, and unfortunately, working on myself at times as well. 

I have the Instagram and Twitter icons, then, placed on my eyes for that (”seeing the happenings in their lives”), while the Messenger icon signifies one of the most important pathways to me for keeping in touch. These icons, I think, are also a part of my global identity. However, because they sometimes generate a lot of “noise” as well (distractions, anxieties, etc.), again, they can have big clashes with my need to have a peaceful mind, and aspects that require more attention like family. 

Overall, I can’t really say I have a hybrid identity, since even though I have my own globalized tendencies, these are all deeply integrated into modern Filipino culture. However, most noticeably, I have clashes between my need for peace and isolation, and my constant search for connection.