mypalegold

[mypalegold]

No, kids should not have unsupervised acess to the internet.   Yes, I got that and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.    Its a paradox.

[mypalegold]

i made a roast tonight for the first time and it actually turned out really good

at 35 i'm finally a real adult y'all

[mypalegold]

im calling it, english “or” is evolving into an utterance-final marker for yes/no questions. it started as an alternative question that’s incomplete: “is she going to do X, or…?” but it feels increasingly common and increasingly broad to me, as if it’s gradually turning into a construction meaning something like “or something else?”/“or not?”

[mypalegold]

it is hard to explain without sounding vain or stupid - but the more attractive others find you, the more you're allowed to do. the easier your life is.

i have been on both sides of this. i am queer and cuban. i grew up poor. for a long time i didn't know "how" to dress - and i still don't. i make my sister pick out any important outfits. i have adhd in spades: i was never "cool and quiet", i was the weird kid who didn't understand how "normal" people behave. i was bullied so hard that the "social outcasts" wouldn't even talk to me.

i got my teeth straightened. i cut my hair and learned how to style it. i got into makeup. it didn't matter, at first, if i actually liked what i was doing - it mattered how people responded to it. like a magic trick; the right dress and winged eyeliner and suddenly i was no longer too weird for all of it. i could wear the ugly pokemon shirt and it was just "ironic" or a "cute interest."

when i am seen as pretty, people listen. they laugh at my jokes. they allow me to be weird and a little spacey. i can trust that if i need something, people will generally help me. privilege suddenly rushes in: pretty does buy things. pretty people get treated more gently.

i am the same ugly little girl, is the thing. still odd. still not-quite-fitting-in. still scrambling. still angry and afraid and full of bad things. of course it became my obsession. of course i stopped eating. i had seen, in real time, the exact way it could change my life - simply always be perfect, and things can be easy. people will "overlook" all the other things. i used to have panic attacks at the idea others would see me without makeup - what would they think? even for a simple friend hangout, i'd spend a few hours getting ready. after all, it seemed so obvious to me: these people liked me because i was pretty.

i worry about how much i'm being a bad activist: i understand that "pretty" is determined by white, het, cis, able-bodied hegemonies. if i was really an ally, wouldn't i rally against all of this? recently there's been a "clean girl" trend which copies latinx aesthetics: dark slicked-back hair, hoop earrings. i almost never wear my hair like that; i can hear the middle school guidance counsellor advising me that i might fare better if i toned it down on the culture.

the problem is that i can take pretty on and off. that i have seen how different my life is on a day where i try and a day where i don't. i told my therapist i want to believe the difference is confidence, but it's not. and when you have seen it, you can't unsee it. it lives inside your brain. it rots there; taunting. i get rewarded for following the rules. i am punished for breaking them. end of story.

pretty people can get what they want. pretty people can feel confident without others asking where they got their nerve from. pretty people can be weird and different. pretty people get to have emotions; it's different when they get aggressive, it's pretty when they cry with frustration.

of course people care about this. of course it has crawled into you. of course you want to be seen as attractive. it's not vanity: it's self-preservation.

[mypalegold]

real

[mypalegold]

Very cold take but the reason I think a lot of settler vegans view meat as murder (and therefore immoral) is because they cannot get past their colonial mindset of viewing all interactions as either consumption or domination instead of the reality of a vast web of mutually beneficial and self sustaining relationships with the ecosystem and eachother

[mypalegold]

Kestrel-dad not sure how to dad but he’s trying his best.

[mypalegold]

I used to be so smart. I was so clever and I was so capable of engaging in discussions and spinning ideas out with people and considering concepts and comprehending hypotheticals I was so SMART I was so GOOD AT WORDS I could put words together for hours and I didn't run out of them. I didn't know more things but I could think... I could think. I had space inside for so many thoughts and concepts. I was so clever

[mypalegold]

“June is almost over and nothing lgbt has happened to meeee” <- idiot who never even left her apartment for anything other than work or errands

[mypalegold]

everyone's like wehhhhh why doesn't doctor house gets suuuueeed! like my man. literally every patient he sees is someone that's been trying to find a diagnosis for ages. i could live with a little medical malpractice if it were coming from someone ready to break into my home to look for allergens and not simply half heartedly listen to me before suggesting I lose weight and take ages of back and forth arguing to order a single test

[mypalegold]

pesto is the least disappointing food by a fucking mile. i never think to add her to things and every time i get something with pesto i think oh thatll be nice i guess a little basil and when i get a bite with pesto i have to hold back tears of joy. there you are darling ive been looking everywhere for you

[mypalegold]

Source

[mypalegold]

i have the opposite of seasonal depression where im fine all winter but without fail every june i feel the deep seated need in myself to bury my head underground and not talk to anybody for weeks

[mypalegold]

are you cis

yeah. as long as I don’t think too hard about it

[mypalegold]

hey so if any of you saw this image of Jonathan and the vampire ladies from the Dracula ballet

You may be interested in the fact that I found what appears to be a legal, professional recording of the entire ballet uploaded by the Milwaukee Ballet Company

[mypalegold]

I love being a fairly pacifist person who's never been in a physical fight ever yet whenever people I hold dear have an injustice small or big happen to them I'm like hmmmmm how can I use physical violence to help you

[mypalegold]

i think the aesthetic echo chamber created by tumblr is more dangerous than the political one bcs im self aware enough to kno my politics r radical but then me and the girlies are on here reblogging body horror and very weird erotic poetry and i get offline and interact w a real person and jokingly say something like fungus is tangibly divine in the way it facilitates the eternal dance of creation and destruction which is really creation as or by destruction and theyre like what the hell are you talking about freak. the aesthetic barrier between me and a girl in a vineyard vines tee is literally insurmountable. i find the trout to be a very nietzschean fish