mysonder

[mysonder]

Capturing the moment... and being wanderlust

Growing up, I had numerous hobbies. I was always such a D.I.Y., crafty person. I loved crocheting, baking, drawing, painting, woodworking, doing makeup, etc. I basically enjoyed anything that required my hands. The only thing that didn’t really require my hands much that I thoroughly enjoyed was making iMovies. Ever since the third grade, my friend Isabel and I would record ourselves. We would either make a whole skit with our own props and costumes or we would just record ourselves having fun and hanging out. Either way, every single video turned out simply ridiculous and funny. We would come back to the videos at another time and laugh until we cried and fell on the floor with our stomachs quaking! 

Recently, I’ve been missing those simple, pure, and genuine moments caught on camera that I could laugh back at. It brings back nostalgia and can allow me to see how I evolved as a person growing up through each video. There are so many major life events that have happened and are yet to come, especially since, in my opinion, your 20s involve so much change, growth, and experience. So, I had an idea to begin creating videos again but not just as random, long, sometimes meaningless recordings. I’m sure many of you have seen vlogs or YouTube videos that are edited with effects, transitions, background music, and sound effects. I thought it’d be a fun idea to not only create this content for myself and my friends to see, but also to learn new skills involving professional video editing apps.

Often, I find myself forgetting a lot of events or instances in the past. Sometimes I don’t even recall videos of myself that my friends have recorded with me! When I see them though, it’s nice to know that I was having fun and enjoying myself. Isn’t it so interesting that we can never relive an exact moment, except through watching a recording of it? It’s so baffling to me that technology has now evolved to the point where we can “capture” a moment in time exactly how it was. It’s crazy that not too long ago everybody had to accept the fact that the moment in which they were experiencing was only going to be relived through his or her own memory of it. 

In addition to making my own video diaries of my life with friends and family, I wanted to actually plan activities and adventures I could do. When the pandemic began and after I had broken up with my partner, I realized life is way too short to not do what you want. Maybe it’s a phase, but what I said still holds true. We only live once so why should I live my life with restriction? As a person, I am very spontaneous and very impulsive. If an idea entices me, there is a very likely chance that I will go ahead and do it, within reason. The unfortunate thing is that I don’t have any friend but one or two who are like me and are able to come along for an adventure. A lot of the times this is why I do not venture out. As a young woman, I feel as if I cannot do much without the company of others in areas that aren’t familiar to me. I mean having friends to share a moment with is purely fantastic, but I would also need them because it can be dangerous to venture out into foreign destinations whether it be within the country or outside. However, I do know of a couple of other young women my age who have traveled abroad by themselves and ended up being totally fine! Although there are real dangers out there, I also know that traveling alone is just a fear of mine. Of being alone and having no one to indulge in a moment with. I can only hope that with time I can get over this small obstacle and get the courage to simply follow where my heart desires to visit! 

For whoever is reading this, this is your sign to get out there and conquer your fears and to live life to the fullest! I’ll be right there with you in spirit along this journey. Let’s do this together!! Updates to come…. 

[mysonder]

Millennials and Gen Z These Days...

I recently came across an Instagram post that had multiple pictures explaining why “dating as a millennial is so messed up”. Some of the struggles that they titled on each picture were, “we’re in a competition of who can care less”, “ghosting and unclear intentions are too normalized”, and “we’re too strategic about our responses”. Being part of Generation Z, I definitely don’t think that this only applies to millennials, especially because my generation is all about the hook-up culture by using online dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc. Having slightly gone through this myself, as well as hearing stories from friends and peers, concepts such as “ghosting”, being “too strategic”, and being in a “competition” to see who can care less, isn’t new.

Honestly, I never understood the idea of “playing hard to get” because I was always such a straight forward kind of gal. Whether it was with friends, family, boyfriends, potential friends, potential boyfriends, I laid out all my cards on the table. Because if you don’t, you’re wasting your time… aren’t you? The only part I do get is the “chase” and the “hunt” and how some people may view it as a thrill. However, is this really necessary? If they really wanted you and if you really wanted them, why does it have to be so hard and mentally frustrating? Are these all essential parts of how dating works now? Sometimes, I feel like I’m so behind the curve. Someone teach me!!!

“Ghosting,” if you didn’t know, refers to when one person abruptly ends communication with his or her prospective “lover,” essentially becoming a “ghost,” hence, the term, “ghosting.” It is such a common phenomenon these days, but I’ve personally thought that it seemed rude and disrespectful. And this was my exact dilemma. My mentality has been to treat others the way you wanted to be treated. However, my friends would constantly encourage me to talk to more than one person at a time because that’s the “perk” of these apps and we haven’t formed anything serious yet! Which is true, but if I have begun to form genuine conversations and subsequent connections - even a little - with a decent human being, I feel wrong for not appreciating them out of respect because they’re hard to come across, or at least in my opinion. 

Now, moving on to being “too strategic” with our responses. Oh, boy is this a handful! Growing up I was never good at conversing with others or making small talk, especially with people, such as potential friends, whom I wanted to get to know more. I was always too eager and mistakenly came off as a bit odd and rehearsed. So, one could imagine how a conversation could play out with someone I was attracted to. The good thing about online dating is that you can think about what you’ll say! Honestly, though I would just give my phone most of the time to friends who were pros at this. Nine out of 10 times it would work! However, my friends and I had to converse quite a bit before even sending a message because you don’t want to come off too eager, but at the same time, you don’t want to look uninterested or dry. Not to mention we’d make sure to wait a reasonable amount of time before responding so as to not be too readily available. Isn’t this all silly?! I can see how it all makes sense, but my goodness, it is very exhausting!

Lastly, we come to the face-off of which person can care less. People don’t like being seen as vulnerable and want to emit a vibe that states, “I’m cool, I don’t get invested into people that much” or other times they really just don’t care when the person they’re talking to does. It is all a big defense mechanism in my opinion. We don’t want to expose our true feelings until we can confirm that the other person feels the same. This part of online dating and hook-up culture isn’t too significant (I think), but I can definitely see how this would be a problem for those who truly want to find someone through these apps, but the odds of that are not too favorable. I feel as though a good majority of those who are on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc., are typically looking for non-serious flings. That or they’re simply bored and want to talk to others while also getting attention and/or validation as a by-product. 

Who knew that online dating would be a maze of decisions and strategy! I guess whether it is through special apps or in-person, dating and the hook-up culture have its own set of struggles and benefits unique to each. Either way, both give me a headache and requires too much mental work, but I guess things aren’t so easy when it is something worth longing! Maybe some day I’ll come to the point of understanding the ins and outs of the dating/ hook-up culture, but for now I’ll just sit back, watch, and learn vicariously through my friends! 

[mysonder]

Journey: Better Mindset

            A couple years ago I saw that I had a habit of wishing for winter when it was summer and wishing for summer when it was winter. Every summer I would say that it was just too hot and that I wanted to wear my leggings with cute sweaters and boots! Then in winter, I would say I get too cold and all I ever wear are leggings and sweaters when I can be tanning on a lounge chair in my bikini! This kind of mentality of thinking that I’d be much happier if things were different applied to many other aspects in my life. If I just got an A in this one class, then I’ll be so happy. If I get into “x” school, I’d feel so accomplished. I was always looking for the next best thing not realizing that that one goal or desire wasn’t going to change everything and make me happy. Yes, temporarily, but not permanently. I began to start my journey on trying to change how I perceived and took in the world. To be present and to also know that by achieving or not achieving my goal will not define myself as a person or my happiness. It seems obvious, but a lot of us make this mistake and it is so detrimental to our mental health.

         The biggest obstacle that I had to overcome was my pessimistic outlook on life. Often times, I saw everything as all or nothing. That if I didn’t get my desired goal, I would consider myself a failure. It honestly took several years for me to get to where I am currently at mentally and it has been so rewarding. It was years of practicing gratitude, self-affirmation, self-care, meditation, etc. At first, I was a bit bitter starting this journey, because I wanted to be naturally happier and content like others around me (generally speaking). I already felt like I had been dealt bad cards to begin with and now I had to work to be happy? Why is my life like this!!

I quickly realized that continuing to be upset at my situation wasn’t going to help me. I came to an understanding that this was how it was going to be and there was nothing I could do about my past adversities. This, I think, was the most important step needed in order to jumpstart the rest of my journey. If you try to change your view on life but are still resentful towards how the past worked out (or didn’t), then you aren’t truly evolving and are always going to be stuck back at square one.

I don’t think people understand the extent to which gratitude journals can truly help in achieving a more positive state of mind. It seems like a cliché piece of advice that self-help pages on Instagram post about, but often times those cliché posts have so much wisdom! Gratitude journals helped me acknowledge my blessings and privileges. Having this epiphany was overwhelming almost. How could I have not realized this earlier when it has been in front of me the entire time?

From that point on, working on my mental health became such an effortless, day-to-day experience that I was continuously learning and improving on. It was just the initial steps required to begin the whole process.

I feel that for most, when they start this journey, they think that it is super difficult, which it is! However, if you really dedicate your energy and time into trying to better yourself and make small steps to the behavior you want (whether it be being positive, more kind, more outspoken, etc.) then it’s definitely within reach. It is all about your mentality of it and many don’t realize this. Although it’s a cliché, there’s a lot of wisdom and truth behind the saying, “anything is possible if you put your mind to it”. So never give up and keep pushing through. Even if you think you can never get there, prove yourself wrong, because eventually you will get there and you’ll realize how different of a world it is when you’ve achieved your goal of a happier, better person mentally and emotionally.

[mysonder]

Decisions, decisions...

            Recently, I went through a parting of ways with my partner of two years. It was an experience I was not expecting because of how many confusing thoughts, feelings, and emotions I had. I only knew of breakups that ended because of a specific reason, and it was my first time breaking up with someone purely because we were going separate directions and I was no longer happy. There was really no one to blame in the relationship but the naiveness from both parties. On his side, he had not fully grown as an individual and did not realize he should have never been in a relationship in the first place. On my side, I should have realized from the beginning that the problems that emerged from his lack of ability to regulate his frustration was more of a deeply rooted issue. That no matter how invested we were into making it work, it was something he best learn on his own with a bit of professional advice and communication with his family.

         Usually on my walks I find myself not thinking much of my typical anxieties, deadlines, friends, family, responsibilities, etc. The few times I went out walking this week, my head was definitely filled to the brim with thoughts processing the separation of us two. I was still confused as to whether or not I made the right decision. What if I made the biggest mistake? What if we could have made it work? As a person who gets very emotionally invested in the people who come into my life, it was difficult for me to know if breaking up with someone I had been with for two years, who had an amazing heart, who had a loving family, and who was always striving to make things work was the best option for the both of us in the long run. I had to remind myself that I am only 20 years old and that people our age are too young to wait to make things work (in a way). That is not to say you should never try to sort problems out, but that if the relationship is not going in the direction you would have liked it to or you have a gut feeling it may not work, it probably means you and your partner aren’t meant to be in this point in time, or maybe ever! My dilemma consisted of simply not knowing what the future would bring and how we would end up in a couple of years. Would we both be happier with someone else? Will we stay single thinking about each other? No one knows and that was something I had to accept.

         I had a cloud of guilt looming over me ever since we parted ways and it had been eating me up. From a person seeing our relationship through my eyes, he or she would see that the relationship already ended before it really ended. It was just a matter of me holding on to the last glimmer of hope I had for us, trying to suppress my gut feelings that it was ultimately crumbling right under our feet. My guilt came from subconsciously knowing that this was not going to work and then ending it right then and there all the while my partner was clueless. It was not that I was trying to keep it from him, rather me being confused. Is it a gut feeling or am I just being paranoid and overthinking like usual? I couldn’t figure it out myself for a few weeks until I, over time, narrowed it down.

         Everyone expects people to have a period of mourning and sadness after a breakup, which I know is typical. I feel that without knowing it, I was kind of mourning that loss (the relationship) in the weeks that I had confusing feelings and thoughts. So, by the time it was over, I moved on and came to terms that I cannot always be someone’s entire emotional outlet or be okay with not being entirely happy in a relationship. I then found myself feeling even more guilty because I was ready to continue with my life and living it the way I now wanted to. It was as if he was somehow there watching me, as weird as it sounds. Like I was cheating even though we weren’t together any longer. It took a while for me, after contemplating day and night, if it was okay that I be moving on with my life whether it be as an individual or with other people I met along the way. 

Although I have become more comfortable with this idea, the past few weeks have definitely been the most confusing time of my life where I was rethinking about everything I thought I was. I guess that is what your 20s are for though... right?

[mysonder]

What Is My Sonder?