mysoulssconvies

[mysoulssconvies]

Just because you can doesnt mean you should

I have no idea where my anxiety comes from, this return to the ‘blogosphere’ is an attempt to figure it all out… But I do know my triggers.

Those who live life aimlessly are my triggers, and this isn’t me judging anybody, this is me wishing, that we all had something better to live for than getting drunk and high and seeking out the next party. There’s many more things like this that are my triggers and having found out that they are my triggers I avoid them. There’s one thing I can’t avoid though… Although I’m beginning​ to think I should.

Every Sunday morning I wake up, tired, thoughts of the coming day exhaust me in my sleep. I still wake up though, put on an outfit and a smile and get ready to do the one thing that freaks me out more than anything, stand in front of a crowd.

I feel like my life is under a microscope, I know it isn’t but that’s how it feels, i feel like they can see my fear and anxiety. Like they smell my flaws in my sweat. I feel like I’m trying to be someone else and im not really doing a good job at it. I try to blend in, wear the same clothes and put on heals and be pretty (Lord knows im a sweat pants type of girl), I try to smile, hide the panic that’s going on in my mind. Im in a place i don’t think i belong. I am becoming someone I don’t think I am. I keep going though, I wake up and I even vouch for church, invite people to come, they hardly ever do but I atleast try to reach out. I don’t think the church’s missions are my own, I don’t think I seek what they seek. I don’t think I’m in the right place…I don’t think attempting to be who God wants me to be should cause me to cry myself to sleep every Monday, and spend half of my Tuesdays trying to hold back tears. I don’t think it’s supposed to completely derail my life.. I don’t know where my weeks go, I don’t know how I get to the point where all my assignment due dates are two days away and I haven’t managed to do anything. All I know is I spend my days in my blankets, vacant look on my face, throbbing heart and a throat that feels squeezed in. But then again maybe it is supposed to be this hard… Jesus did cry tears of blood, the only difference between me and Jesus is he knew what he was doing, why he was doing it… I’m aimlessly doing what I think I should be doing, so the pain that comes with it doesn’t seem to be worth it. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m trying to prove something to myself or someone else. I’m not trying to be difficult, I’m not trying to run away from who I’m meant to be, I just think that if I’m going to be crying that it should atleast make sense. I’ve come to a point where these generic answers like, ‘for His glory’ and 'for the Kingdom’ isn’t enough anymore. I’m a member of Christ’s body trying to figure out if I’m a toe or a kidney, and I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m a kidney doing the job of the pancreas, just because the pancreas refuses to do it’s job. Just because I can doesn’t mean I should.

[mysoulssconvies]

Welcome to my life Anxiety

I've missed blogging​ 😄😄😄, I think happiness isn't as passionate a feeling as sadness and agony is... So there isn't really much to say when happy. But I'm back... My happiness was short lived (as always). So heres my new story... From sheets to anxiety, just when you think you are over a hurdle you come across another one. Isn't my life just swell... Last year I was diagnosed with general anxiety and social anxiety. Simply put im scared of everything and everyone, I'm scared to have conversations with people I don't know because im scared they are going to misunderstand or judge me, im scared to have conversations with people I do know​ because they might take it the wrong way... I'm sacred to ask for help, because I'm not weak. Crowds give me panic attacks, people who drink, smoke and go to clubs give me panic attacks. But you know what the best part is... I give myself panic attacks, because I'm not the person I thought I was, I don't recognise myself and I think I'm just living the life I am told to live. I am trying to please, I'm am trying to be validated, I'm am trying to be loved but when I am loved I push people away. I'm not good enough, even for the people that aren't good enough for me. So I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything. I'm slowly losing touch with the life around me because I'm can't even figure out the life inside me. So I'm sitting here, watching the deadlines to all my assignments creep closer and my mind is on another planet. I'm trying to figure out who to text, who to tell that I can't sleep, I have no appetite (which is the biggest sign that something is seriously wrong) and that my desire to live becomes less and less each day... Then I realise that there really isn't any point. Trying to explain anxiety to a sane person is a lost cause... And the more you try the more insane people make you sound, and the more insane people make you sound the more anxious you become. In an attempt to feel better by talking to someone you just made yourself feel worse. So... I return to my trusted friend. Ink and paper (which doesn't judge). Basically a psychologist... You do all the talking (the only difference is that you aren't continually asked "how does this make you feel?" Anxiety crept into my life like the roaches that start creeping when you turn off the lights and its driving me crazy, it's sucking the marrow out of my bones and its exhausting. And I refuse to feel like this, I refuse to live like this, I can't afford to live like this... Theres a great woman out there waiting for me to grab hold of her and if I stay crawled up in this flat all the time. So hi anxiety... Welcome. Have a seat, drink some tea, enjoy your stay while it lasts.

[mysoulssconvies]

The best times of my life were when I thought i was in love, the worst when I realised you weren't.

A broken heart

[mysoulssconvies]

Their Sheets

Yep... There it is again. I promised myself I would never write about this again, but it wasn't a pinky promise so... Two drop outs later I've graduated and started a business and I could potentially be going to Bible school. Yes.. The hoe's going to Bible school because im much more than my mistakes. Having said that you can imagine how much Ive grown passed my past and in seeing the future ahead of me im not really taken aback by the troubles of today. But these sheets though... I think I've said before that the title of the series came from a lesson I had in Sunday school where my teacher said having sex with too many guys is like tieing a sheet around your waist. The more guys you sleep with the more sheets you have and you carry these for the rest of your life (soul ties being made to appear more dramatic than they already are basically). But i think I also made it clear that I don't believe im tied for good, I think the Christ that rises from the dead can't be defeated by a soul tie (this is a yet to be proven fact by the way) so what is it that keeps me coming back to this topic? The fear that I may never be able to have sex again, and even if I do it will never be what it was meant to be. See, sex (well how I know it) was meant to be the bond that distinguishes you and your husbands relationship from any other relationship, it's a thing only the two of you share, it is your (you and your spouses) act of love. Now me, it was the thing that broke my self-esteem, my respect for my body and my idea of a man. It was the thing that made me feel worthless and then it became my weapon of choice in a subconscious decision to kill myself. Death is more than just when you stop breathing and your heart stops beating, and I know how it feels to be dead in a fully functional body. I died when I realised what the first man I had ever loved did to me and when every other man appeared the same to me, I gave myself to them so that I could once again die. Nothing killed me more than the realisation that I had reduced myself to someone who was worth nothing more than a booty call. Wait till he puts a ring on it then?? It's not that simple. Sigmund Freud (if i remember correctly) did an experiment (what it was called I dont remember) where if you for example ring a bell then slap someone for a couple of times, every time after that this person is going to associate the bell with a slap and react even if a slap doesn't follow. That's where I am in my life... Every man is bell irregardless of the fact that they aren't all trying to slap me. A very big part of me has genuinely paired men and sex and therefore sex with pain. I don't want to feel pain anymore

[mysoulssconvies]

Metaphor

As i sat there Crying I asked myself Why a ten year old moment Caused fresh tears And why the blood still flows fresh with no clots I realised Its not the broken bone That never healed enough to stop hurting The relationships that never survived the crash The body that couldnt be brought back to life It isnt the memories That are slowly becoming as blurry as my astigmatism That can and may never be relived Its knowing That im standing here And nobody is listening Nobody gets it It isnt simply standing in front of a mike And spitting verse It isnt just metaphors and puns Its Disregarding your heart thats beating faster than it should Ignoring your craking voice Your air pipe that seems thinner every moment Its fisting your quaking hands And standing in front of people And letting go of the only thing youve ever known Fear Its for that reason That i will always allow myself To sit in a tub And cry for the only woman who got it Who understood how much of me every waking moment took And took pride in me Even when i was just taking a breath So judge me Because ten years later i still cry But im not hoping for Jesus to pull a lazarus Im just hoping one of you Starts hearing everything ive been trying to hide In metaphor For: Tumi Huma Resting peacefully in daddy's Kingdom

[mysoulssconvies]

Their sheets: final revelation

"I keep waiting for someone, that someone who will appreciate me for everything that I am" (my famous words). I woke up this morning to the realisation that nobody can ever appreciate me for anything more than what I portray. I wrote an entire series on every single guy I've slept with, blamed them at some point for not having loved me, for leading me on then replacing me with some bimbo then I woke up this morning.... How can anyone ever love me? I don't love myself. I don't appreciate my mind and the beauty that seeps out of it, my hands and the love they give but above all else... I don't appreciate the beauty that lies between my legs, that opens up the gateway to my entire being, that was supposed to tie an unbreakable bond between my husband and I, that will give me my little ones. I do not appreciate the beauty that is me. I know im beautiful, that im most probably the best thing that all those guys have had and will ever have in their lives; I just can't seem to act like it. I always end up acting like the bimbo I get replaced with. Im tired of it, because it leads to mornings like this where tears are just running down your face, you have chest pains and there's no one there. Nobody ever signs up for this, all they sign up for is your vagina beautifully wrapped in lacy underwear. After they get that they are good to go. 12 years ago my journey with sheets started, and it wasn't as the movies say the best night of my life it was a defining moment in my life. I would only define those nights a couple of years later when I stood in front of the TV and Noleen spoke of sexual harrrasment, but that definition of who I am to a man stuck with me, and it lingers even to this day. I can't for the life of me shake it off. I keep waiting for someone. Someone to redefine who i am to a man. Men come, disguised in good manners and beautiful smiles, disguised in tall, dark and handsomeness, but beneath the disguise the same definition I was stamped with when I was only 8 years old. Instead of waiting for a man, I'm going to attempt waiting patiently for my wounds to heal after I myself, have peeled off my dad's stamp and all those other stamps I've collected over the years. Then start to love myself, for the beauty that i am, despite the beasts I've come across. #JourneysOfThe20YearOld

[mysoulssconvies]

Why convies with my soul?

I’m a 20 year old girl who doesn’t think like a normal 20 year old. My friends and i are on different paths and im the wierd girl who doesn’t do what normal kids do so I can’t have conversations with anyone around me, I can only talk to myself.. Therefore, conversations with my soul.

People think I’m crazy, I think it’s sad sometimes that the only person I can talk to is myself but then again myself is the only person I can trust. Nobody can love me the way I love myself, no one can appreciate me the way I appreciate myself, no one can ever be as loyal to me as i am to myself. I have had frends in my life and where are they now? MIA… Missing in fucken action. Why? Relationships aren’t about adding value into someone else’s life anymore, people just want what they want from someone and once they are satisfied or they find a better supplier they forget the initial relationship ever existed. Relationships have become like a business transaction, so why bother, I can just open a spaza shop if I want a business transaction mos, become a street vendor even (its less painful than a relationship that’s for sure).

This is me, constantly breaking down the simple concepts of life. When everybody is content with not having answers to the questions they pose to themselves everyday, I spend most of my days trying to answer these questions, questions that most people are afraid to find the answers to, answers people would rather ignore because ‘ignorance is bliss’ apparently. There’s therfore no one to talk to. Looking back at my life though and the way I made decisions in an attempt to be like my peers I realise now that a life alone is most probably the best life one can live. It gets lonely yes, but that’s where you find the undiluted version of you, you completly with no additional spices added from the influences of peers and you, undiluted is the best road to greatness you can take.

We need to learn to love ourselves enough to be able to spend time with ourselves, so many of are so within other peoples lives that we adopt a group identity and lose the only identity that matters, your own. I always say, we are all like puzzle pieces in a giant puzzle, you are going to try be like someone else you wont fit in the puzzle and your spot will be left wide open, because theres only one particular spot for one type of piece.

The world needs each of us to be true to ourselves, because if not who is going to be there to fill the spot you where here to fill, if you are trying to fill someone elses by being like that person.

Think about it.

[mysoulssconvies]

When all else fails, love remains

SoulsConvies