mytoughthoughs-blog

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

Almost Messaged You

I know I’m trying to abstain from talking to you for 5 weeks.

I almost messaged you about your poem. I wanted to say how I feel late at night, how weak I get. How your poem was amazing and almost brought me to tears because it made me realize how I lost you from your perspective. A second too late... 

I didn’t. You need to start this foundation strong with him. I promise even in the weak moments I won’t meddle with your relationship. I want you to be victorious, T. Because you deserve it after all the hardship.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

I Read Your Poem

Fuck

I checked your tumblr, I shouldn’t have.

I’m at work and I almost cried. I lost you. I actually lost you.  I wasn’t there, I gave you up, and I lost you because of it.

Your very next poem is about him. How he makes your life easy. It hurts to read. It really does hurt a lot to read. But it’s good that you have someone in real life who you can be with often that makes you feel that way. I know it’s good, even if it doesn’t make me feel good. I want to be okay hearing about how happy you are with him. I really really want to be okay when I hear that.

Everything reminds me about how you used to love me, and how you’re not here anymore. There’s a hole in my heart that will never close because you were so amazing, no other girl will ever be able to replace you.

I shouldn’t have checked. Your poem about me made me feel better, because I know you thought about me, at least once.

Your poem about him hurt, but not because it was a painful poem, I’m just not ready yet. I wasn’t ready for this. I want to cry and sob but I’m at work. I wasn’t ready. I hope I can stop thinking about you soon. I love you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, when you loved me. I know how you felt now.

I’m just so torn up inside. 

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

I See You

I might be experiencing something in the anger phase. I need to vent. I need to spew it, but I can’t let you read this. I should have been smarter.

I see you everywhere.

I shared everything that I loved with you.

I tried to share my life with you.

I’m so hurt. It hurts a lot. I’m depressed and sad and I miss you so fucking much. I love you, I want to be with you, I want you to want me. I know it’s not happening again. 

I keep thinking about how you said you were still in love with me.

What the fuck? Seriously?

I know you went through 2 months of some fucked stuff. I know you were just reeling from a breakup. Did you even really love me when you said that? Was I your rebound? Your “getaway car” that would “never get far”? I’m so confused and hurt by what happened. I’m hurt because I’m afraid you didn’t love me anymore.

Were you forcing yourself to say you loved me? As soon as I got there, you felt so cold. I thought it was just because of what happened with him. And how recent it was. No, you were thinking of him the whole time. The entire time.

I tried to meet your eyes with mine, you look away. I tried to touch your shoulder, or hug you, you practically recoiled.

You were the first person to ever make me feel wanted. You were the first person to ever make me feel like I was worth something. I TOLD YOU MY FEAR. My fear of being replaced, how that’s what happened in my mind when I first learned you were with him before I confessed.

You know what you did? I wanted you to love me, and you said it, but I could tell it was gone. I could feel how badly you still hurt from him. Why did you have to tell me you still loved me when you didn’t? I’m so confused. It’s not like you just weren’t ready for a relationship. The day after breaking up with me you made dates. That hurt so fucking much. 

I was right there, and just 2 days prior you told me you were in love with me. Fuck, was that true? What changed? Why couldn’t I be good enough for you to even consider you keeping me by the time I got there? The NIGHT WE MET AGAIN. On the uber back to your place, you avoided looking at me, I initiated everything. It was nothing like it used to be because you didn’t love me anymore. You were only thinking of him. 

And then you stood me up for him. You lied to me and tell me these things and get me riled up and leave me and replace me. I’m so sad and hurt. I want to believe you when you said you loved me, but I am so confused why, if you did, you were so fast to replace me with random dates when I was still there for ten more days, and then getting back with your ex and spending the night with his place after you stood me up for him. 

I just can’t believe you hurt me this much. I can’t believe I opened myself to you and you stabbed my heart and twisted it. What I can believe is that... it wasn’t personal. It wasn’t on purpose. You made hard choices. You made the right choices. Maybe you thought you loved me but you were unsure, and when I got there you knew the truth. But I had JUST got there. You needed something real, not the idea of something real.

I understand. I am so fucking hurt and I’ve never let myself be vulnerable like this to anyone. I’ve never had someone open me so wide and I was never so comfortable with someone, I’ve never met someone more understanding than you. I wish it happened in a better way. I know you did what was best for you. I just wish it didn’t fucking hurt me so much.

He’s good for you. It’s good for you.

I’ve had dreams since then. I’ve dreamt about us being together. About us being just friends. Last night, I dreamt you were about to cheat on him with me. We were laughing and crying together. At the last moment, I pushed you away and told you I couldn’t let you make a mistake like this, and I couldn’t let you do something like that to him. At least I know dream-me has morals. I know you would never even consider something like that, though. Am I at least good for not doing it in my dream? Or am I bad for dreaming it in the first place? Fuck.

On top of this and dreams fucking me up I’ve been depressed since I got back. Fuck man, I just wish things were back the way they were, when you were in love with me.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

I Wish I Could Say

I know you know I love you. I know you know how strong my feelings are. I know you probably know how hard it is to keep my space from you while I try to revert my feelings. I just wish I could say it all to you. That’s a part of the process. I can’t wait until I don’t care anymore, and we can just be friends like we were a year and a half ago. 

Holy shit. It’s been a month since I confessed to you. One month ago we admitted our love for each other and agreed to continue dating. I don’t need to go into what happened, or how much the sequence of events hurt me. You know how much that must have hurt me. It wasn’t personal. You have a requirement for your partners now that I cannot fill. I can’t physically be there except on rare occasions. I’m just happy I was able to spend time with you while we loved each other, even if you didn’t show it as much as you did before (for a multitude of reasons).

That’s okay. I want to be able to support you and your new boyfriend and your new life because that’s what YOU want, and having that, you will feel good.

I just want to say... god damn I love you so much. Not just romantically, but as a person. As a human. You’re an absolutely wonderful great person. I’m really glad I met you, I’m so glad you were my first because you are the best person I’ve ever met. You deserve to finally have the perfect boyfriend who isn’t long distance. And by perfect I don’t mean “perfect” but I mean come on lets be honest! He’s pretty damn good! Shit I might have to steal him :eyes:

Anyway. It sucks I can’t be that guy. It feels fucking bad. I so wish I was because being with you was honestly the BEST time of my life. And one of the reasons I broke up with you turned out to be a non-issue (although you couldn’t have known that at the time). If I never broke up with you, would things between us be this good still? Would you still love me? 

I would probably be a worse person. Losing you gave me so much perspective, and I wish I didn’t need to lose you to get it. But hey, at least I grew because of this. I matured. 

T, we’re gonna have a great friendship. I truly hope you see me as one of your closest friends, because you will always be mine!

Right now, I love you.

I want to be able to hang out with you without any tension or heavy feelings on my heart or anything. To be friends again like we used to be. I value you too much to hang onto these feelings.

Let’s support each other, as best friends. :Dc

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

I'm Telling You Everything

...AYRFI?

22/12/18... midnight

I will be telling you everything in 40 hours exactly. I have notes on everything I want to say. It's in 9 parts. I honestly have no fucking idea how to say it, or how you'll take it. Will I do what you did? Flat out tell you I'm in love with you? I think I'll do it in reference to you doing it to me. I don't know if it will distress you. For the first time, I'm hoping you don't love me, so this doesn't cause undue stress to you. If you don't love me, it won't matter whether or not I love you.

Should I open with the fact that I love you? I have it in the middle but I should open with it honestly. I am so so scared of you hating me, or wanting to take extra distance than I'm going to do. I would understand though. It's gonna be okay. I don't want bad things to happen :(

I think I'll open with the question if you still love me. If it's no I will feel more safe.

I'm scared of telling you. AIRFI?

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

How I Planned To Tell You I Love You

21/12/18... 4am

Hey

I remember my plan to tell you I loved you. By the time we got together on January 7th, I had it planned out for when my feelings finally kicked in.

I was going to play guitar, the song Fly Me To the Moon.

I was going to sing it, and I was going to get to the chorus. "Fly me to the moon and let me danxe among the stars. Let me see what spring is like on... Jupiter and Mars! In other words, please by true..." and then I would say your name, but with the tone of asking a question, and a slight pause. Before finally saying. I love you. You would have been so happy. It would have been an amazing moment. I'm sorry I never gave you that.

I love you so much, and I miss you just as much as I love you. I'm bursting at the seams with my feelings for you, but everything about our situation would just bring pain to you.

I feel so full of emotion, with no way to let it iut. Not this fucking blog, not talking to the one person I could tell everything. Youre always on my mind, this is always in my head. There's only one thing that will help. Your rejection.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

Future Pain

21/12/18... 2am

I keep thinking how I might never be able to say anything to you without it being completely selfish. I'll never be able to happily tell you how I feel. It hurts to think of Valentine's Day. Our anniversary. New years. Any special day we spent together. It's like Illalways feel pain from those, ever increasing until the day comes, and being unable to di anything. It's so hard to pretend. I'm so tired of pretending that I dont love you. I hate it.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

Talk With a Friend

20/12/18

I talked to the only person I can imagine telling the entire story. 100% of my feelings to. Absolutely everything. Her first response was “ah yikes”. Yeah, yikes indeed. 

I also told her about something that my ex said that really really bothered me. But I feel kinda bad for mentioning it but its the only thing my friend said to confront my ex about but like how? It was something that really hurt me but she didn’t mean to. I think if it happens again I’ll say something but it’s probably one of the most hurtful things someone has said to me. :(

My friend gave me lots of reassurance about how I won’t be replaced in memories. She is right. I won’t. It’s a bad state of mind to be in. Honestly I think the reason I started replacing myself in memories was because of what my ex said to me. I don’t blame her, what she said was not malicious. I hope things work out. Today was better than yesterday at least, not that that’s saying much.

I feel moments of lucidity. But there is always a weight on my heart. Always. I don’t think that can ever go. Does anyone ever really stop loving their first love? She means so much to me, I don’t think I can. But don’t all people in love think that?

If she asks me how I’m doing, I’ll mention the conversation. I might not mention that she hurt me a lot. I wish she knew, I wish I could tell her. I don’t know, I might mention it. :(

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

Facade

20/12/18

How am I going to keep up this facade? I feel so sick keeping all my feelings inside, pretending everything is okay. I remember how you felt when you were in love with me, the night you told me. You couldn’t keep it in. It was hurting you to keep it in. You told me and you felt so much better about it. I wish I could do that. I want to be able to do that. Anything that puts me in a position to do that would be a bad event for you. I’m sorry I’m selfish for these desires.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

I’m unabashedly in love with you. And I can’t tell you.

20/12/18

I would give so much to be able to have told you under the right circumstances. To save what could have been. I squandered your love. It hurts so much I can’t explain in words. It can’t be explained in song or picture. You loved me. The first and only person to ever love me. I loved you back, but too late. Not only that, I don’t know when, or if, I’ll ever be able to tell you I love you.

If you break up with him, I would be able to tell you. But it would seem like I’m taking advantage of the moment to get you back. I can’t tell you while you’re dating someone, or it might seem like I’m undermining your relationship.

You will, more than likely, never love me romantically again. It really hurts to think about. I read through some of our old texts and I could feel myself falling even more deeply in love with you, with what I had. 

I’m so alone, I feel so alone because there’s nobody I can tell these deep thoughts to. I had you to tell absolutely everything that ever came into my mind and I squandered you. You deserve better. I deserve this. I want to fight for you back, tooth and nail. But that’s so selfish. It doesn’t take into account your desires, your needs. 

If you were single I would have told you I was in love with you, that I have been for nearly a year. I would want to come see you, and spend time together. I wish I was able to in the summer. I want to go back and make things better... but for me. It would be worse for you. Is that true love? It’s selfishness. But these are my thoughts. I don’t care! I want to be the one who you love.

I have 3 songs that make me think of us. But I can’t tell you what those are either, because they’re about being in love. Not a breakup.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

Memories

20/12/18

I remember picking you up from the greyhound station. The first time we met while dating. I remember embracing you tightly, affectionately holding hands, and touching another person for the first time.

My dad got the food you had yesterday. I haven’t eaten in over 36 hours. I can’t. If you were here I would be able to, but my pain missing you is too great to see anything as palatable. I hope I’m not a killjoy this weekend.

So many memories and triggers that are tangentially related to you. All succeed in conducting their business swiftly.

Reminding me of what I had.

What I gave up.

What I didn’t deserve.

But I deserve this pain.

It was my choice.

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

I Can’t Get Away From You

20/12/18... about an hour later

Everywhere I turn, there’s something that reminds me of you. I shared a LOT of what I loved with you (and you, me). At the time I regretted not sharing certain things like guitar, but right now it’s a good escape because it has no real connection with you.

I can’t play OW, because even when Im feeling good about it there’s always something that reminds me of you. Akin to a familiar scent when you walk randomly through the streets of a big city you frequented years past!

stuff like a dva with gold guns, or even a user’s name. I saw a name referencing a show we watched together. Reminded me of you.

watching yt vids, of content creators we both used to watch. ok, watch something else. Then it had a reference to something pivotal to one of my favourite memories of you. I can’t get away!

Everywhere I turn. Something reminds me of you. I get an empty feeling in my stomach, my face, especially my ears, feel hot. My heart starts to race. It’s part of why I can’t eat. In the last 50 hours I’ve had about 2 ounces of peanut butter fudge, a small plate of noodles, and 2 slices of toast with 2 eggs. Everything feels so unappetizing. 

Can I post my wishes and desires here? Should I filter what I put here? Should I be honest? Nobody I care about will ever read these so I will 100% post what I feel.

I wish I could eat beside you. Like in so many memories I have. I wish I could buy you that smores cookie again and see the look on your face as you took your first bite. I wish I cherished that moment more as it happened, cherished so much as it happened. I have so much regret for what I could have done to make it last longer.

I see you everywhere. I love being in love with you, but it hurts. I wish it didn’t have to. It’s just how things were meant to be. 

[mytoughthoughs-blog]

“I Love You”

20/12/18

I wish I had the knowledge, experience, and strength to say these three words to you when we were still dating. I remember realizing that I was actually in love with you soon after we separated. I thought at the time that perhaps it was just me missing you, but how many times was I going to kid myself? How much was I willing to NOT love you?

I feel really horrible saying this. I wish I never broke up with you. At least, right now! It’s selfish because objectively you are much better off because of the unique circumstances you’re in. I still wish I never gave you up, because for the past five months I have thought so much about our memories together. At the time, I thought we would have so much time to make more. I wish I did more, like when we saw Coco in November I wish I wrapped my arm around you. I wish I initiated physical contact more. I wish I made you feel valued, or put effort into learning about you, your family, your friends. 

The worst part is the feeling when imagining every precious memory I have with you and replacing myself with someone else. From the small things like heart emojis sent, to the bigger things like touching heads, laying down together. 

I have a lot of regrets. I ended it because I thought it was the right choice. I believe it WAS the right choice! If I never ended it, would it have ended? Would it spoil? Would I have realized what the feeling of love was?

I wish there was someone I could talk to. I wish I had a way to vent this feeling. Which is why I made this.

I hope your new relationship works out because it’s so healthy and good for you to have someone there who can be physically close all the time. But, god damn, can I please be selfish once? I wish I thought that to myself before I ended it. That I could be selfish just this once and keep being with you. But like I said before, maybe it’s better this way. You said it was probably the right decision at the time, and your intuition is excellent. I do not doubt you.

Another thing. I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday. When I realized, literally 6 weeks later, I sobbed harder than I had in years. Every September 24th, October 5th, and January 7th will be hard days for me as long as I still love you. You know what all those days are, I’m sure. I’ve felt confident in the fact that I’ve loved you for months. When you were in a moment of weakness and asked me to take you back you have (probably) an idea how much I wanted to say yes, of course I will. But I knew it wasn’t something you’d say normally. 

Another thing that hurts me is thinking how close those memories are from March. It feels like yesterday, like it was so close I could go back and save everything. But I can’t go back. I can taste it, but I can’t have it. I miss you so much, I never thought I’d have feelings this strong for another person.

This is my first break-up blog. It sounds fucking freaky honestly. Kind of stalkerish. I hope I can get over this soon. I need to realize there is honestly probably no way you’d ever consider dating me again, and some part of me doesnt want to lose these feelings in case you ever ask again. But thats not healthy. So I’m going to do the selfless thing again, because like last time, it’s the RIGHT thing. I’m going to kill these feelings so we can have a friendship I can cherish. 

I’m so sorry I was too stupid to be able to say I love you. I will always miss hearing you say it to me. If I could have given that back to you, it would make this easier. But instead the tables have turned. I realized I loved you too late. I’ve loved you since at least February. I just never knew it. But now someone else gets to say “I love you” to you, and it’s something you deserve, and something I want to be emotionally fine with. I will always try to be your #1 supporter :D

I wish I could look back at all Ive typed and see something good. I don’t. I see a fucking weirdo who cant get over something and I feel like a creep. I wish I could say I love you without jeopardizing anything. :( hurts not to be able to say it. Sorry I made you go through something similar.