mywingsandfaith

[mywingsandfaith]

Duplicating

I finally got the answer I have long been waiting for,.

Yes, the kid was his son, and yes that girl, the girl who we have always been fighting about, is the mother of his son.

The truth is, I still love him, I still love this person who continuously hurts me and consistently makes me feel like I dont matter. 

I hated him for lying to me for 2 years. For 2 years, he never admitted that the child is his. He apologized, but he does not want to make an effort at doing so, because he only wanted to do it the EASIEST way possible, because he knows I will still forgive him, the strongly feels, that not matter what, I will still forgive him. That is how pathetic he looks at me. That no matter what he does, I will wholeheartedly take him back, with open arms, as though nothing even happened.

For a number of times, I tried to talk to him. For a number of times, he asked me what I wanted him to do, so I can forgive him. And numerous times, I told him, you would need to earn my forgiveness and it will not be served in a silver platter. But he was deaf, he never listed, he kept on insisting that what he is doing is enough.

I am tired of talking to him, I am tired of this game. How can someone never even feel sorry for their sins? How can anybody be even able to go to sleep, knowing all that they did, and how they have hurt others?

But I guess, that is the reality of life, he will never understand how hurt I am, He will never be sorry for all that he did. He will never exert effort at earning my forgiveness, because he knows, I can easily give it, because I am just pathetic to him.

Its time to make him realize, that I will never be that girl before. It is time to make him understand that I will never forgive him. From now on, I will just disappear with no trace.

[mywingsandfaith]

Displacement

It started because I just wanted to start living my life, away from him. I wanted to live my life to the fullest and wanted to experience a lot of things. I found someone who wanted to share these little adventures with me and we started with it. She was like a friend to me and we were always hanging out and it was fun. Until lately, I noticed that she has a got a tendency to ignore me, as though I do not exist, it felt weird coz I always thought we will have our adventures together. Now it feels like, she did not want it anymore as much as I do, was it because I started becoming dependent already and she noticed it and did not want it? I know that at some point, the adventures we had was what was making me forget about my own problems, what was making move on from him. But now it feels like, I have become dependent on her, and the fact that I have noticed her trying to be with other people made me feel like, she wanted that distance. I am not sure of what she thinks, but I feel like, I wanted to give her space, I wanted to be a bit distant from her now, because I feel like she wanted to have freedom away from me.

I know that I am partly to be blamed, because I shouldn’t have depended on her. I am at a crossroad because I feel like I am becoming too attached. I feel like she does not want to be with me on my adventures anymore and it makes me feel sad and disappointed, but I would rather that I am the one to stay away than see her trying to avoid me like I am some kind of a burden.

I need to be strong and face this I need to still continue moving on from him even if I have to do it on my own, even if there is no one who can be with me and I can depend on. I need to continue moving on, even if I ad to do things on my own.

I cannot continue hanging out with her, when she does not care.

I thought, the adventures with her wont stop and got used to it, so used to it, that now, I feel like I will be alone again. But that is fine, I can do this by myself, on my own.

From now on, I dont want to try to always cling to her anymore and force her to be with me, from now one, things had to change.

I have to be independent and I will be.

[mywingsandfaith]

The Year that Was - 2016

The year that was, 2016. This was a breakthrough year for me. This year taught me a lot of things. I learned to be braver, stronger, more independent, adventurous and I learned to value myself more. This year changed me and made a bolder and brighter and happier version of myself. I came to realize that it is not all about having someone in your life to feel loved; its about feeling loved even if it has to be you who will love yourself. I have always believed that being happy meant that someone has to be there to love you when in fact I realized that no, it was never about having another person, it was about feeling loved, feeling really loved.

This year I have made adventures, from regular watching movies to frequenting different cinemas, to eating at different restaurants, to visiting new malls to staying at different hotels and even to hanging out with different people and sharing with them a portion of myself and opening myself up to other people. I truly loved them spending time with, after so many years, I finally see myself smiling happily with people I never thought would make me feel like I matter.

This year made me realize that I am stronger. I finally overcame the sadness in my heart, I finally realized that I am capable of making myself feel loved and special. I can now say that I have given myself the love I truly deserved. I have and will continue to love myself more that ever. I can now live my life to the fullest without feeling any inhibition and insecurity. I have finally felt secured with my own skin.

This year made me realize how to value my worth, I know understand what I am capable of and what I bring. I am more that I think I am. And I will continue to better at what I am doing and “Always aim to be better than myself yesterday!”

If there is one big word that I will describe for 2017, “Changes” and all this I have wholeheartedly accepted.

To 2016, thank you, thank you for making me what I am now. And to 2017, I am ready!

[mywingsandfaith]

Sensitivity

I have always noticed about my being really sensitive on almost all things. Eversince I was little, I have always been the type who easily cries on drama series or movies. Well, I grew up with my dad suppressing those feelings, he hated seeing watch drama coz I guess he knew it will make us cry. 

Now that I am full grown up, I notice I am still a cry baby. I still cry easily, when something touches my heart and it either makes me happy or sad, it brings tears to my eyes.

Now, why am I writing about this? Well, lately, I noticed that my being sensitive is getting too much. I cry for things that does not even matter as much, supposedly to me anymore. I have been trying to control my sensitivity coz at times even the simplest things, would make me cry. I feel like it is not normal anymore.

I am currently taking pills because of my hormonal imbalance and I am thinking, if this is what triggers me to be this sensitive, the answer, I dont know and I wouldnt to blame pills for my being unable to manage my emotions, it feels like I just dont want to take control.

I have been trying to read some books, blogs, articles about what I am going thru to help me with this journey that I am facing. And I know I can help myself. Probably, I just need to tone down on how I look at things.

If there is any of you guys out there who would want to give me tips on how to handle my over-sensitivity, feel free to say something or leave a comment. I will be glad to listen

[mywingsandfaith]

The Adventure

It has been quite sometime since I started doing things, like actually doing things. I have always stayed at home because I am being requested to or if not I would feel guilty. I am like a bird in a cage, but the truth is, I willingly entered and let myself be locked. Why? From the movie “Her”, Falling in love is like the socially acceptable form of being crazy. So there I am, pretending I was happy being locked up, pretending everything was fine and that it was normal. Well, I know better now, It was not.

Eversince we headed to splitsville, I started going back to my old self. The happy, smiling and outgoing, if that is what I am called before, me.Its like I wanted to give myself, what it missed. I watched movies almost every week, and tried to give myself some good treats every month, I am glad God gave me a friend, who went thru all these adventures with me. I started being part of the world again and I am not part of how the evolving world.

I think probably that is why it is called “moving on” because you continue with you continue moving even if sometimes, your heart would ache. Even if your scared, you still have to move, because you cant stay where you were, the world will not wait for you.

The hardest part will always be the first step, and I am glad I took that baby step even if my heart was aching and tears would fall. 

I am glad to say, I am not heading towards a different direction, a new adventure. This is me doing something that my future self will thank me for.

This is me finally moving on.

[mywingsandfaith]

Just a Dream

It has been more than 3 weeks since he got here, and up until now, I have not seen his face nor his shadow.

He has been trying to communicate with me only thru emails, texts and calls but nothing in person, all because he is afraid his mom would find out about me. You see, his mom, never liked me, and it has been like than for more than 6 years. He can never be with me, physically, no picture, no dates, no dinner, nothing, all in all the relationship seemed just like an illusion, it did not feel real.

Still, the stupid and delusional me, believed that, my birthday will be spared. I waited for him that day.. Dreaming and making up stories in my mind that he will just pop out of nowhere and surprise me. that clock tic-tocked its way throughout the day, but all I got were emails, and we talked. It was truly heartbreaking, because, yes, I know what you are about to say, he is not coming and it is just play in my head, the surprise, the chocolates, the gift.. They were all just a pathetic dream. It was one of the saddest moments, it was my birthday, and yet the only person I would have wanted to share the day with, cannot be with me, will not be with me and decided not to be with me, all because his mom told him not to. The choice he made was to let me down. The choice he has always been making everytime the decision is between me and his mom.

I told him how sad he made me feel, but I felt like it was nothing to me, I cannot even feel he was sorry anymore, it is as though he has been used to seeing or actually hearing me cry. The dreams in my head starting playing again, how he would show up to our doorstep with a bouquet of flowers, how he would say sorry and how I would make me feel happy. But it is time to wake up, it is never going to happen, he will never be with me, he will never go to me, he will never fight for me, I will always be the person he will sacrifice. 

Everything in my head will never happen..

This relationship is not real, he is just a dream..

[mywingsandfaith]

The Coach

Now, here I am trying to be a good coach.

I tried to talk to her, on a coaching session, about the relationship. She would say yes, she would say, she understands, but funny how her actions not consistent. Should I consistently coach her like everyday? I noticed that for the past two weeks it has always played a role in our discussions, should I just stop talking about it instead? And let her just continue with where she is going? It really is a hard road for me and the team because instead of putting focus in what our responsibilities are, the relationship is taking its own toll too.

I would like to think this is an opportunity for me to work on my leadership skills more. A whole lot more.

[mywingsandfaith]

The BIG Role

Stepping into this big role is one of the hardest thing I ever had to deal with so far. Dealing with people of different types on personality is really something.

The first personality was someone who is the I-know-this type of person, at least that is how he started. He was the the one with me, when this opportunity was opened. We started working with the same rank and role until this movement was given. It was not so hard, because we already built some sort of a relationship together, and we were really open towards each other. It was a smooth relationship. He had no problems opening up to me, s I am to him. He knows me as a person and professionally, that is why,  I would say, I did well on my first stint.

Here comes the next personality, she is the quiet type but when you ask her something, she would give her heart out. Which was what I liked about our relationship. Because of her openness towards me, I was able to help her out because I know what her needs are and I know where she is coming from. She came from a group where she was not really treasured, but I am happy that, despite that, she never really had grudges over them, I guess that is what made our relationship smooth-sailing.

The next personality was a little bit more like the first, except for the fact that, he was not as strong as the first, he was the type who gets easily affected by other people’s opinions, he does not open up to me as much in terms of what he is feeling inside the office. Although, during tight situations, he would say something. I tried to mold him and hone his skills, but there are times when he would insist on doing things on his own, I would let him be, he needed to have his own mark in the office and not just really a copycat of me. On the latter part of his stint, there were changes in him which I cannot control because it was the time he was given different priorities and that is when his performance deteriorated. I tried to still help him but he got into this, I would like to call them “ clouded group” because their thinking has always been clouded for a lot of reasons. I then felt like he was really sticking with this group and he was happy with them, and he was getting influenced by them too. The days went by and I know he is already so into this new group, there were a lot of changes in him and even if I try to pull him in, there were resistance on is end already. I would like to think the relationship was just average.

Welcome the new personality. She is the shy and passive type of personality. She has got the most unique personality amongst all. I would like to call our relationship like stretching-a-rubber-band. Why? Because at the first few weeks, I tried to pull her in and make her feel welcomed, everyday, I would initiate the talk, I would ask if she wanted to eat, I would ask her if she wanted to do this and that. I would always initiate. Until eventually, I noticed that she wouldn’t really want to engage herself, that our relationship was really built on this rubber band scheme, If I stretch it, it will extend, but the moment I release it, she goes back. Then came several incidents of her wanting to do things on her own, away from me or us. I let it go, thinking, maybe at times, she would want that space, in turn, I tried to do things on my own too, separated from her or us too. But everytime I would attempt to do the same thing she does, which is being on my own, its like she is waiting for me to engage her, and sometimes I feel like, is this not supposed to be a two way traffic? Or this really the job of a leader to always initiate? Forever? So, there it goes, either I pull or she gets away, or if not we get civil, more of let-us-talk-on-a-need-to-know-basis. The relationship feels like a push and pull relationship and I would be like to be honest that I am feeling quite tired of it. There are several things going on inside my head, 1. Could it be that the relationship is just new, I mean its a few days away from 4 months, 2. Could it be that she is not comfortable with the type of leadership I have for her 3. Could it be that she just happens to be too stuck with the previous group she was with.. The next couple of things I have in mind, I hope is not the answer.. 4. Could it be that she just cannot blend well this team 5. Could it be that her personality just cannot seem to work well with mine.. The last 2 things I had in mind, I hate to say this, I hope is not the answer because if that would be the case, this team may suffer and the possibility of re-grouping is crossing my mind. I want to continue engaging her, but is it wrong that I am feeling tired? Is it wrong that I would ask her to initiate too? I really am getting tired. The push and pull is getting to me and admittedly, I dont want this kind of relationship to continue. I want a more open, a more shared type of relationship. 

Leadership problems. Sigh.

[mywingsandfaith]

[mywingsandfaith]

Dependency

I guess I am on the next phase of the moving on process. This weird relationship setup that I had was starting to feel like just a figment of my imagination. I never really experienced going out on dates, like watching movies together, eating together outside or at home. His family was always in the way of things. Or I guess the real answer is that he never really fought for me.

I guess your next question is, why choose the title Dependency, because I believed that what I had for him and for the relationship was dependency. My decisions were dependent on what he would feel, my life was dependent on how he would want it to be, so long as he is happy, I guess my happiness depends on him being happy. I never really thought of myself, just him. I felt like as long l love him, even if he does return the feeling, I was fine, even if he does not treat me well I am fine. Such a one way relationship.

The next reason was, I wanted strongly to break free from the dependency chains he placed on my hands, to the point that, I am now starting to feel a certain dependency and needy feeling towards other people, people who I shouldn’t feel dependent to. I feel like I shouldn’t because it makes me feel weak and I’m trying to fight it. I am starting to plan my activities and wanted these other people to be part  of it and I don’t want that,I cannot, yet again, be dependent.

Probably it is because of the fact that I felt like I missed all the good parts of my life, that is why, I feel like I am only trying to start living my life now. I would like to think that this is just a phase, and that I will eventually get over it. And that this is just a passing feeling, and before I know it, its gone. I have already freed myself from one chain, I cannot tie myself again into another person.

If there is one thing, life taught me, is that I shouldn’t analyze myself and my life, when my mood is low because the only thing I would see are the sad parts and I don’t want that. Probably I can think about this again tomorrow.

[mywingsandfaith]

The truth about Moving On

Moving on, hardest thing anyone would have to do. But the truth is when you start counting, and there are more days you are crying than you are laughing, I believe its time. Love is not supposed to make you feel sad all the time, its suppose to make you feel alive and loved, its supposed to make you feel treasured and cared for. Sometimes when its time, the really only choice you have is to walk away and never look back, forget. Forgetting is hard, specially the happy moments. I remember my aunt told me once, in life, sometimes you need to stop reminiscing the good times in the past if it will only make you feel sad in the present. I guess she is right, maybe looking back at the happy times is just making us feel sad in the present. Maybe looking back are just for those who are strong enough. So if you arent, do not. There really is no choice, when its time to let go, start walking.

[mywingsandfaith]

Independence

Today marks the first day of my independence. For the longest time I have locked myself in chains I have built for myself but now I have decided to break the chains. It took my tons of courage to finally decide to move on. This is gonna be th hardest decisions I have to do so far. Six years of hope, dreams, promises, I have to throw them all away. I have to tell myself, enough, this is enough. Just like what the song says: "There's a life out there for me."

[mywingsandfaith]

“Be careful who you trust and tell your problems to. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend.” — Unknown Author

[mywingsandfaith]

Be strong and believe that this is just a phase. We will get through this.

[mywingsandfaith]

Sometimes it would not hurt to keep ur distance that way you would know who cares enough to look for u.

[mywingsandfaith]

Ignorance can be a bliss. Pretending to be okay is never wrong. Dont let other people control your happiness.

[mywingsandfaith]

Choose to happy, you are the master of urself.