n0thingandnobody

[n0thingandnobody]

when diana is in his arms, he doesn't seem to need the drugs. his hands shake, & he needs to hold them close to her body to steady them, but he does not rise from his seat to down a handful of pills or portion a line of coke on the bathroom counter. he does not move an inch, despite the way his body craves the poison. doesn't that say enough about how he feels about her? he tells himself that if diana were to ever just stay, he could've been okay.

his head shakes at her question, hands pulling her closer against his bare chest. lips press to the top of her head as brown eyes remain glued to whatever mindless bullshit plays on the tv. ❛ i only wish that you didn't need to leave. ❜ he doesn't hold it against her. not today. there is no need to argue about it again when they are okay for the time being.

@n0thingandnobody said: " i hate being alone . "

Diana feels his heart beating beneath her. This is not a thing to be taken for granted. So she never does. From the time of their birth, humans are in a state of decay. Diana witnesses how their skin turns to wrinkles, how their hair grays. How, more often than it is not, their hearts turn cold. She loves this heart of Mikey's just as it is. But it's not time that's killing him. No, Mikey is doing that all on his own.

At his confession, she tightens her arms around his waist. They're on the couch, and it's almost on the verge of being serene. If they were different than who they are, it would be. But he is Mikey and she is Diana, and he will continue to self-destruct and she will continue to leave, and nothing will get better. Do apologies matter anymore? ❛ Do you wish you loved someone who could give you more? ❜ she asks, voice small. She wants to give him marriage, wants to give him children, but can she even give him time?

[n0thingandnobody]

he watches her every move, not a word as she sits before him. eyes follow the curve of her legs up until he meets golden eyes, brows raising with her question. he does not have a good answer for her & it is a shame that instead of taking her here & now, he continues to set their entire relationship on fire. even so, he stands from his seat. hands find her legs & pull her to the edge of the table until their clothed hips connect. he finally gives her the kiss that she had so desired earlier, fingers tangling in her dark hair.

it is hurt & it is angry & it only lasts mere seconds before he's pulling away. head lowers just enough for him to whisper right in her ear. ❛ can bruce not get you off? ❜ his voice is full of knives & fire & shattered pieces of himself that diana has not glued back together. he releases her hair, lets her decide where they go from here: whether he bends her over this table or they spend the rest of the night in silence.

She waits for him to break apart another brick from their home. Until the foundation collapses and buries them both. Diana has forced the tools into his hands and now she awaits the destruction of it all. Doesn't make it hurt less when it finally happens. Yeah, when it finally happens, she's trembling from the after shocks, his accusations like a storm that she needs to seek cover from. Except Diana is not known for running away, nor for surrendering. Instead, the warrior woman rises from her seat and takes slow, steady steps towards him. To lessen the threat of her presence, she hikes herself onto the table until she's sitting there before him. Like she can remedy the emotional distance by erasing the physical one.

❛ Is that why you will not make love to me? You do not want to be inside someone who breaks her promises? ❜ She aches for him. Aches for his hands on her, for his mouth to follow the trails of his fingers. But he had denied her touch at every opportunity, had treated it like it was something to avoid rather than relish. She shakes her head. ❛ I told you who I am from the moment I met you. ❜ No promises were made. How, then, can they be broken?

[n0thingandnobody]

what does your heart look like?

a guiding, golden light

just because you cannot see your own heart doesn’t mean that others can’t. your heart is blinding, captivating, a fire so bright that others can’t bring themselves to look away. it illuminates the path they follow & cements you as a guiding star for their own wayward hearts. every experience you’ve lived through has built your lighthouse heart up just a little higher. you are inspirational, a light that doesn’t go out.

[n0thingandnobody]

my face when mikey and diana break up again

[n0thingandnobody]

no, of course she's taken a page out of his book & refuses to just drop it. he shouldn't be surprised, yet his fork still stops playing with the cold food upon his plate. brown eyes rise just enough to peek at her & then he laughs. of course he does. what else is he expected to do? fork is placed back down so gently one would be confused as to whether it's michael berzatto behind it or not: not because he isn't angry, but because diana is not lee. it is the only fact that saves her from the wrath that boils over.

one breath turns to two turns to three before he nods, shoves dark curls out of his eyes & leans forward. elbows on the table & all [ his mother would be so disappointed in him ]. ❛ maybe i wouldn't need them if you ever just showed up, huh? ❜ but she doesn't, she never fucking does, because spending proper time with him is apparently hell on earth compared to risking her life for world-ending threats. ❛ maybe you should stop makin' promises you can't fuckin' keep, ever consider that? ❜

His rejection of her touch is a blade taunting beneath her skin. When he breaks way from her embrace, it's as though she loses a pillar of strength. Diana falters, has to grasp at the wall with trembling fingers. Yet, not even in her sorrow, in her grief, she is not a fool, Michael. You see, this is the problem with playing games with the same scene actors: you'll know how it ends. He scurries to the bathroom, and when Mikey does return, Diana is stabbing cold food with her fork. Merciless, because she knows without looking at him what he has done. She knows, she knows. And she wants to fucking SCREAM!!!!

❛ What is getting you through this dinner with me? Is it cocaine this time? ❜ she asks. The idea of the movie is buried. She stares at her food for a moment longer, before all the rage on her face demands she looks at Michael instead. Who does all this wrath belong to, Diana? Who??? Mikey is as terrible at pretending as Diana is to lying. She thinks she should be crying, but she doesn't cry. No tears come. Her fingers curl, a gesture that shows she's trying to calm down. Rage wins. ❛ Or oxy? Both?❜

[n0thingandnobody]

it doesn't go unnoticed that she doesn't answer the question. he wonders if that's better than hearing more of her lies & promises that she'll never keep. part of him thinks it is, because at least next time it'll only be his own fault when he's bitterly disappointed. & that heartbreak is one he's used to, one he's able to just drown in coke & oxy to forget about. everything works out, in the end. so he nods, shrugs away the kisses she leaves, frees himself from her grasp. hesitates a moment before he tells her to go ahead & eat, he'll be there in a second.

by the time he returns from the bathroom & sits across from her at the table, his pupils are blown out & he's numb enough to not care. he isn't hungry, but he moves the food around with his fork anyways. ❛ we can rent a movie or somethin', if you want to. ❜

She can't give an answer that's not laced in hurt. She's on fire from his pain, with his pain. Her mouth opens to offer him a reply, but before it even hits her ears, it sounds too akin to an excuse. Because it is an excuse. This is a mistake she has made time and time again, and one she will continue to make. There is no sense in making him promises that will be shattered at the next world disaster. She doesn't know what to do, Mikey. What should she do? Let the world burn? Give up her mantle as Wonder Woman? Gods, for you, she wants to throw it all away. But she made a promise to the world before she ever made a promise to you, Mikey.

❛ Hey. Let's eat. Please? I'm ravenous, ❜ she begs, voice soft and sweet, grasping at joy like it's a line for her life. For both their lives. Her arms are still locked around him, and after he denies her kiss, she presses her lips to his neck, gently. ❛ Dinner then a show? ❜ She kisses his shoulder, makes it clear that she can be the show if he so desires. And gods, she hopes he desires it...

[n0thingandnobody]

it is not the first time she has been late for dinner that he spent a good couple hours making. if it was, maybe he wouldn't hurt so bad. deep down, he knows that she is off saving the world & that takes priority over dinner together: but just once, he would like to be the priority. just once, he would like to feel like the most important thing in her life. just once, he would like these nights to not end with a drug binge & diana's empty apologies. but that's exactly what happens [ again ], & the powder disappeared up his nose & he is recoiling from diana's touch.

he does not press his lips to hers, head turning away at the attempt. it kills him, just as much as it does her. ❛ but you never make it. why is that? ❜ he knows the answer is that he simply isn't important enough.

@n0thingandnobody said: you’re always late , what am i supposed to think ?

Somehow, Diana always returns when dinner has just grown cold. It matters so little how sincere her apologies are when this happens time and time again. The truth is that Steve had been a solider, and the truth is that all her allies are warriors, and the truth is that Mikey is none of those things. He fights a different variety of demons than the ones who fall from the skies. And Diana loves him for this. She loves that he does not understand her burdens. There is nothing in the world she would change about him. Or, at least, she would have said this, before seeing the look that clouds his face in this moment. It's going to haunt her for a very, very long time.

Maybe it's in her imagination, but when she locks her arms around him, he feels stiff beneath her. ❛ That I'm always racing home to be with you, baby. ❜ She tries to kiss him, but suspects that he shall deny her.

[n0thingandnobody]

michael is not very helpful when he is also far from sober. in truth, he hardly even realizes the full state that holly is in. he only looks at her long enough to tuck a finger under her chin, looking at those pretty eyes. tongue clicks & instead of holding her, or reassuring her that she's okay, or literally fucking anything else: he grabs the baggie from the pocket of his jeans & dumps some out on the coffee table [ again ] . . .

it's quickly divided into neat, mostly even lines, because he's been doing this shit for much too long. & then his fingers tuck blonde strands behind her ear. ❛ there you go, sweetheart. ❜ as if it's such a kind gesture, providing her with more of the very thing that's killing them.

open: to anyone

                Nostrils    flair    as    a    large    breath    is    taken    in,    chest    rising,    falling,    a    calmness    washing    over    her    for    a    moment.    Eyes    seem    distant,    as    if    she's    zoned    out.    Is    it    a    coping    mechanism,    when    she's    reliving    her    past    trauma,    or    is    it    the    copious    amounts    of    mind    altering    substances    and    alcohol    she's    imbibed    in    ??    No,    even    when    sober,    she    still    is    like    this.    Even    when    sober,    she    has    bouts    of    'who    am    I    really    ??'

                She    sits,    fingers    clasped    together    and    pressed    to    her    lips    as    leg    shakes    in    an    anxiety    fueled    pace.    Is    she    on    edge    ??    Most    likely.    Is    it    obvious    she's    fucked    up    ??    Probably.    Poor    girl    has    the    shakes,    pupils    blown    fucking    wide.    Maybe    she    just    needs    more.

[n0thingandnobody]

lips against his skin are a reminder of everything he nearly lost. the high it brings does not compare to that of the coke, nor the heroin, but it is purer ⸻ it is not a poison that seeps through his veins until he passes out, but rather a hope that settles in the pit of his stomach until he's almost afraid of the feeling. fingers that clutch at her are that of a man that begs for forgiveness, for everything he'd put her through. the apology is not enough, never will be, but god the man can only hope to someday be worthy of the love she's given him. he spends too long thinking about her question. more lies build on the tip of his tongue but they do not get spoken, brown eyes peering into gold for an eternity.

brows are furrowed, breath caught in his throat until he finally finds an answer that is not a falsification. ❛ you. ❜ it is the only answer he has, whether it was enough to satiate her or not. ali would not like that answer, would tell him that he needs to be sober for himself, but this was not about what michael wants: it was only ever an effort to no longer hurt diana. teeth bite into the flesh of his cheek before he continues. ❛ i care more about you than i do about myself. i can't hurt you anymore. i can't. ❜

Down on their knees, like they're praying to the gods who have forsaken them. To the gods who think of them as merely dolls to play with. Except dolls are without heart, and that seems to be all that exists within Diana. It is Mikey's fingerprints that are all over that beating organ, too. So when he takes his hands to strike across his own face, Diana's tears bolden, until her vision blurs from their company. She is quick to take his wrists between her fingers when he is down on her level, to kiss all over his hands, his face where he had struck himself. Diana Prince always was better at giving worship than receiving it. And this, too, is why the gods have damned her: she loves to worship this mortal man more than ever loved kneeling before them.

Clasping each other now, to not do so is to fall apart completely. Questions swirl in her mind, like a tornado bent on destruction. Her teeth dig into her tongue to keep from asking about Nick. There is more pressing concerns, she reminds herself. ❛ And what.... what stops you now from turning to drugs again? ❜ comes about her TRUE question. What keeps him from returning to the thing that will bury him?

[n0thingandnobody]

that had been the glaring question since she came home to a coffee table covered in drugs & track marks along his arm, hadn't it? & truthfully, he didn't have an answer for her. not one that would sate her, anyways, because the answer was simply that he wanted the pain to be over. that's all it had ever been: downing a bottle of pills, snorting so much coke it's a wonder how there's not a hole in his nostril, pumping his veins full of heroin all in an effort to numb himself to everything that made life so fucking unbearable. turns out that none of it worked, & all he has to show for it are scars all over his arm & a broken woman in front of him.

a goddess is on her knees for him & the only thing he can think about is how badly he misses the drugs. that was half the problem, wasn't it? you can't drown your demons when the bastards have learned how to swim & sink their claws in until you bleed. a tear rolls down his cheek as a hand smacks once, twice at his head before he's on his knees with her. hands grasp at her cheeks like she is his lifeline [ she is ] ❛ i just wanted the pain to stop. ❜ honesty, honesty, honesty. ali would be proud of him.

❛ It matters to me, Mikey. ❜ It's like finding your voice underneath the rubble of a house that just collapsed on you. How Diana scrapes together all her will to vocalize those words. The mantra in her head refuses to end: you are killing him, Diana; you're killing the one you love the most. Suddenly, Diana can see Mikey's blood staining her hands, a quick vision that feels like a memory and what she fears is a premonition. He always will be as capable of leaving her for death, as she is capable of leaving him to go save the world. Something's got to give.

He is standing, and it's like the spirit of desperation possesses her, how she falls to her knees before him, goddess turned beggar. She doesn't touch him, doesn't kiss him, just stays on her knees and looks at him with eyes soaked in sorrow. ❛ Why coke? Why Nick? Baby, you know you cannot trust him. Yeah? ❜ Because she has been taken back to a time where Mikey lost his life, tears spill from her eyes, soaking the rest of her face. ❛ Why would you... just, why? ❜ She feels like she needs to understand, so she can prevent it from happening again. She feels like if she doesn't understand that she will, one day, bury her heart along with Mikey's body.

[n0thingandnobody]

Mahmoud Darwish

[n0thingandnobody]

there's a pained reminder that comes along with her words: he may not care what happens to himself, but he couldn't bear to see diana go down with him. that's all this had been & all that it ever would be. the constant push & pull & setting fires that never truly went out all in an effort to make her walk away from before his death inevitably caused damage that would never be repaired. it hasn't worked, & maybe he's too tired now to continue burning his life down. maybe it's time that he finally lets diana win, & put an end to his efforts to kill himself [ the mere prospect of it terrifies him ]

he's beginning to crash now ⸻ energy from the coke waning, eyelids heavy as fingers loosen their grip on diana. he hums for a moment, eyes blinking slowly while he nods. it's a fine proposition in the moment, choosing diana over the drugs that are just out of his reach. he listens to her heartbeat like it's the very thing that makes him agreeable, for the time being. he breathes in a deep inhale before he pulls away, just enough to look up at her with glazed eyes as that don't really see her. broken man is only glued together for as long as she holds his fragile body in her arms.

fingers run over her cheek, proving that she is here, she is real, she hasn't left. & he nods again, slow & unsteady but unmistakable through the sludge. ❛ okay. ❜ single word before he settles back into her embrace, relishing in the warmth that she provides. ❛ i choose you. ❜ it may as well be a marriage proposal, with the way he means it: he'd choose her over & over, in every lifetime, even if it meant giving up the drugs that numbed the pain.

How much tragedy does Diana have within herself to take? Oh, for you Mikey, it's endless. She'll take all your sadness, all your sorrow, and yes, your tragedy, too. She can carry it! She will carry it! As long as you live to see another day, as long as you're still breathing in her arms. There is so little she won't do for you, so little she wouldn't sacrifice. Her heart, her soul, her body... take it! It's yours! She pulls him tighter to her chest, and the only way they would be any closer if she discovers a way to sink inside of his skin and live there. The only way she could love him more is if he multiplied. And when he speaks, when he makes his confession that feels so final, she bursts at the seams, her tears fall onto his face and she thinks this tragedy will consume them both. Maybe then they'll know peace in the aftermath.

❛ I go wherever you go, Mikey. ❜ She says it before realizing how much she means the words. The lasso is discarded on the floor, but she doesn't need its influence to know what the truth is. If he dies, so will she. There will be nothing left of Diana. Nothing left to give; nothing left to take. She was a ghost before she loved him, and so, she will return to that state afterwards, too. Bringing him closer, she wants to bruise them both. Until their skin is alight from the weight of each other, until there's no hope of every forgetting how they loved each other. How they hurt each other, too.

How much can he understand? In this state of his, where he is fading so swiftly, can he taste her desperation? Her need? What about her love? Can he feel it? Or does it feel as false, as phony as everything else in his life that brought him to this edge? She kisses atop his head, her tears falling into his hair. Perhaps he's not here quite in this moment: caught between life and death in this high that he has sought after. She means everything she says, though, anyways. ❛ What if we said fuck all of this and choose each other instead? ❜

[n0thingandnobody]

he doesn't fight against the embrace. instead, his body collapses itself into her ⸻ shoulders shake with silent sobs that wrack his entire body. it's a familiar sight, one that had played out a half dozen times before in michael's efforts to get clean. never successful, because god did the pain have a way of sneaking back up on him until he was scrambling to numb his mind all over again. & that was always the fucking problem since the beginning, wasn't it? the desire to not feel a damn thing overrode reason, & now everyone he cares about has been hurt in the process.

her words don't even register to him: once his brain is clear of the fog, he'll tell her that he could never hate her, he'll apologize for everything he's done. but he's never free of the fog, not anymore. he's tired, physically & mentally. there's no strength behind fingers that grip at any part of her body they can reach. face is buried into her & maybe he's finally given himself over to her completely ⸻ body, mind, heart, & soul in a way he'd never allowed before. there was no longer a need to hide away the demons that ate away at his very will to live. she'd seen it all, knew it all, & it was a kind of intimacy he never would've anticipated.

by the time he speaks, his body no longer shakes. cheeks are still wet, but there are no fresh tears that fall. his voice is quiet, steady, as if his mind was already made up before diana ever even walked through the door. ❛ but i don't want life. ❜ the confession lingers, like a set of daggers straight through sensitive flesh. it was words he'd never said out loud before, but they were genuine. even when everything else he'd said was full of drug-fueled exaggeration, this one wasn't.

It was a moment of warm sun — flowers bloomed in the shape of smiles on her face, when she fell in love with him. But what do you do when your golden love is burned down to scarlet? When to touch your love is for your flesh to be seared? All those ugly words she spoke die on her mouth, and now she has to carry their corpses. She looks again at the mess on the table, a tribute to how much Mikey just wants to die. Her whole body shakes from the knowledge of what poison is racing through his veins. How she is so close to losing him. There is shame, too, for how her reaction to his bender was made of flames, how she joined him in burning down whatever did remain of the love they once shared.

And then, her eyes follow the trail that leads to his small, delicate body on the couch, and she feels vomit in her throat, for how so very far away he is from her. It is in a frenzy that she removes her jacket and tosses the lasso onto the floor, treating it like it's nothing. Compared to him, it is nothing. She climbs onto the couch and takes Mikey into her arms, and maybe she's being selfish, holding him when he seems so determined to HATE her, but she thinks perhaps he needs her embrace as much as she needs his. She thinks that maybe, together, they can become something better than the daggers they have thrown at each other's hearts. His tears provoke her sobs, until the whole apartment shakes from how hard she is crying, her body shaking as she holds him to her chest.

❛ All I want is you. Mikey, I just want you. It's just you. ❜ That moment of warm sun is long gone, and maybe she's not the one for him. Maybe she is the one who has broken him like he's her favorite toy to play with, and not the other way around. Maybe he deserves someone better than a warrior with enough horrors in her head to fill a museum of nightmares. That's okay. But she just wants him to survive for long enough to meet that someone who is better for him. Who can patch up the tapestry she shred. Fuck, she just needs him to live. ❛ But baby, I can't be the one to save you... you've got to choose to live. If you need someone to hate, hate me. But choose life. ❜

[n0thingandnobody]

hey nickolas maybe u should STOP SELLING DRUGS TO MICHAEL

maybe if he wasn't a coke addict i wouldn't have to hmm ?? HMM ??

[n0thingandnobody]

the tears spill. hands running over his face while he falls back onto the couch with elbows on his knees. curls aren't even pushed back out of his face: instead they fall in an untrimmed heap over his forehead as his entire body shakes. he wishes that the idea of her with another man [ with bruce, specifically ] was a new one to him, but it's not. & even when it's diana herself conjuring the image, it doesn't make it any easier to stomach. there's too much hurt in one mortal body to even begin to make it go away.

diana's handling shattered glass that cuts her with every grasp & she's bleeding out, but michael can't heal her when he can't even heal himself [ no, these drugs didn't heal inside him the way he thought they would when he first picked them up ]

he wonders if his heart simply never started beating again after persephone's involvement. if this is her way of getting one final laugh in at both his & diana's expense. he was the same in so many ways, yet even more a shell of himself with a newfound need to suffer even worse than he had before. he'd made a point before his death to never fuck with heroin. now he doesn't know how to live without it, & that fact alone scares him back into thinking death is once again the only outcome on the table.

he can no longer breathe, & he can no longer look up at diana with that thousand yard stare that was so graciously given to him by the drugs coursing through him. he isn't high enough to be numb. lips part then close again without a word. swallows around nothing as tears continue to fall & his gaze falls back to the mess on his coffee table in realization that the hurt would go away if he just used more of it. ❛ . . . if that's what you want . . . then fuckin' go. ❜

They're splintering, and it's clear he doesn't understand her. He has never understood how her heart bleeds with love for every being, every creature, on this planet and beyond. How she is not saving STRANGERS, but rather, pieces of her heart that she needs to be whole. She won't fault him for not seeing the beauty of Mankind like she does. Cannot fault Michael for not understanding that she does not know who she would be without being the person who fights for those who cannot fight for themselves. What she can fault him for, however, is the way he weaponizes who she is against her. How he sharpens her love for everyone, for others, into a knife which he stabs her with, again and again.

Then, it happens. He says words that cannot be taken back. He makes accusations that she cannot easily forgive. She is frozen, and her heart almost certainly stops. It doesn't beat, because for so long, it's beat for him, but in this moment, she doesn't feel love for him. She feels nothing. Like all the emotions, all the feelings, all the love, have been drained from her system. Who is she if she is not love? More than truth, Diana Prince loves love. But it's so clear to her, now, that Michael hates her. Despises her. Blames her. Her legs shake, knees threatening to buckle, as she stands there, unable to move, unable to breathe.

❛ Is that what you want me to do, Michael? Should I run to Bruce's arm, tell him how much you've broken my heart? Should I let him FUCK me? Would that make things better? ❜ There's so much spite to be found in Diana's words, in her tone of voice. She lets the thought linger between them, lets the visual of her being taken by another man corrupt them both. She hates it. Hates the idea of being anyone but Michael's, but the truth is so vivid even without the lasso leading her to it. Michael does not want her as a lover. She's crying now, the tears like little daggers on her skin. ❛ Maybe then, after he's finished inside me, you'd have an actual reason to HATE me as much as you so desperately need to. Maybe then I could actually be the fucking villain in your story. ❜

[n0thingandnobody]

#putting bec on my dni BYE

2024 is just the year Chicago ruined mine and Diana’s life, thanks a lot @n0thingandnobody

[n0thingandnobody]

my face when mikey and diana break up again