n3rdy-clusters

[n3rdy-clusters]

Vent.

I hate myself so much. I'm a fucking idiot who doesnt deserve love. I want to keep fighting for us but I dont know if thats what you want. I hate myself. I put all my love into you and now it's gone and im so fucking lost and hopeless. and it wasnt enough. i will never be enough. kill me

[n3rdy-clusters]

i should feel happy right now. i should be excited. i’m one pound away from my goal weight. a few years, a few months ago i would be bouncing up and down with glee. i feel alone.

it doesn’t feel right to celebrate. is it enabling my anorexia to celebrate weight loss? or is it simply human to be proud of overcoming that disease, and losing weight without it?

i don’t feel happy. i am grieving an 8 year old girl who was force fed protein shakes. i am grieving a 10 year old who didn’t understand the voices in her head. i am grieving a 14 year old girl who would starve herself for days at a time. i am grieving a 18 year old girl who hated herself with every fiber of her being.

i lost so much of my childhood to anorexia. its pervasiveness in every aspect of my life. and i’m not fully sure it’s gone just yet. i can feel it clawing away at me, somehow still unhappy with the way i look. disappointed with the number on the scale. but i think it’s time to say im better. it’s time to let myself live again.

[n3rdy-clusters]

we’re so lovers of valdero coded

[n3rdy-clusters]

it is so unique to go from entirely unsure of love to deeply madly in love. i could not love before. i could not love and therefore could not be loved.

oh but now. now love is napping on the couch. love is walking around parks. love is watching movies. love is driving an hour away just to ensure someone’s safety.

love is persistent. pervasive. permeating.

to be loved is to feel seen. to love is to see.

[n3rdy-clusters]

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world ( for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

-e. e. cummings, “i carry your heart with me”

[n3rdy-clusters]

How did I get so lucky?

FATE! and a lot of patience. and some more patience probably. but mostly fate

[n3rdy-clusters]

<3

[n3rdy-clusters]

ok but who has a boyfriend who has a dedicated tag for you on tumblr?? such a sweetheart

Who else’s girlfriend got them flowers, for the third time?

She never ceases to amaze me.

@n3rdy-clusters