naaaaaaaad

[naaaaaaaad]

Hiiiiiiiiiiiii... been awhile...

so yeap, recently my situation is kinda sad. Too many sad news came along that make feel gloomy. I never imagine that it'd happen to my close family... it's so traumatizing. Like i feel anxiety all the time..

I don't know how to express my feeling, maybe it's due to my PMS so I have mood swing. te point is I'm feeling so bad and blue :((

[naaaaaaaad]

And here it is again.

Keluarga yang sangat berantakan. Masing2 merasa benar, merasa yang paling berkorban, merasa paling direndahkan, dan ingin dimengerti. My parents with their superior complexity, yg memiliki paham bahwa orang tua selalu benar dan tidak boleh dibantah. Diskusi tidak diperbolehkan.

My mom feels like she is the only victim here, in this hell (house).

I am not stabil too, I have a lot in my minds. I feel like a failure while my parents expect me to be a good daughter everyday. I cant. I make mistake too.

What did I do wrong till even a mistake wont be tolerated??

They think I'm happy growing up in this family. No at all. I wish I can live alone.

I love them so much but I cant stay with them.. I'm always opressed. What againsts their opinion means I'm being a bad daughter and they feel betrayed.

Why???????????????????????????????????

Ya Allah, saya masih punya banyak dosa. Sholat msh bolong2. Takut mati juga, taku siksa kubur, tp tidak tahan dgn semua ini. Bahkan berpikir kalo bunuh diri itu tidak berdosa, mungkin sdh sy lakukan.

Ya Allah izinkan hamba bahagia di tempat lain. Dan jagalah kedua orang tua hamba.

[naaaaaaaad]

Had a terrible day in the first week of 2021.. Why tho???

Why everything so complicated & dramatic? I'm tired of bujuk-membujuk. Seriously.

Can I live in peace? I was about to make a resolution then my mom got sick, and then this drama comes up makes everything worse. I'm really tired :(( I can't think straight. All about resolution thing seems like a bullshit for me, bcs what happen is the otherwise.

[naaaaaaaad]

Why does it feel so unfair? It's just january 1st 😓😓😓😓😓

[naaaaaaaad]

Academic Writing Resources

General:

The Five-Paragraph Essay

Using Punctuation Marks

Deadly Sins Checklist

Formatting Your Paper

Writing About Literature

Basic Essay

Revision Checklist

Planning and Organization

Editing and Proofreading

Latin Terms

Essay Structure

Tips on Introducing Quotes

Academic Writing Tips

Introductions:

Introductory Paragraphs

Introductions

Writing an Introduction

Preparing to Write an Introduction

Introduction Strategies

The Introductory Paragraph

Writing Effective Introductions

In The Beginning

Introductions and Conclusions

The Introductory Paragraph

Writing Introductory Paragraphs

How to Write an Intro

Body Paragraphs:

Paragraph Development and Topic Sentences

Transitions

Transitions

Transitions

Four Components of an Effective Body Paragraph

Writing Paragraphs

Paragraph Development

Body Paragraphs

Body Paragraphs

Strong Body Paragraphs

Body Paragraphs

Writing Body Paragraphs

How to Write Body Paragraphs

Writing the Body

Writing Body Paragraphs

Body Paragraphs

Body Paragraphs that Defend a Thesis

How to Write Body Paragraphs

The Perfect Paragraph

Topic Sentences:

Topic Sentences

Writing Topic Sentences

Topic Sentences

Topic Sentences

The Topic Sentence

Paragraphs and Topic Sentences

The Topic Sentence

Topics, Main Ideas, and Topic Sentences

Writing a Good Topic Sentence

Good Topic Sentences

Conclusions:

Writing Effective Conclusions

Introductions and Conclusions

Conclusion Paragraphs

Conclusion Strategies

Conclusions

Tips for a Strong Conclusion

The Concluding Paragraph

Ending the Essay

Types of Conclusions

Writing a Strong Conclusion

How to Write a Conclusion

Writing Conclusions

Guide to Conclusions

Thesis Statements:

The Thesis Statement

Thesis Statements

Writing a Thesis Statement

Thesis Statement

Tips and Examples

Writing a Thesis

Writing the Thesis

How to Write Your Thesis

The Thesis

Thesis Statements

Guidelines for Writing a Thesis

Thesis Statements

Thesis

Thesis Statements

The Thesis

Create a Strong Thesis

How to Write a Thesis

Developing a Thesis

Guide to Writing Thesis Statements

Thesis Statements

Citing:

When to Cite

APA Documentation

MLA Documentation

Suggestions for Citing Sources

Research and Citation Resources

Citation Information

MLA Guidelines for Citing Poetry

MLA Style for Poetry

How to Format Your Paper

Argumentative Essays:

Argumentative Essays

Argument

Argumentative Essays

Persuasive or Argumentative Essays

Argumentative Essay

Argument/Argumentative

Argumentative Essays

How to Write a Good Argument

How to Write an Argumentative Essay

Writing Conclusions to Argumentative Essays

Argumentative Essay

Persuasive Essay Writing

Writing Concluding Paragraphs

Constructing the Argumentative Essay

Writing About Poetry:

Writing About Poetry

Writing About Poetry

Writing About Poetry Q & A

Poetry Explications

Writing About Poetry

Writing About Poems

Explicating a Poem

Writing About Poetry

Writing a Thesis Paper About a Poem

How to Start a Poetry Introduction

Poetry Essay Structure

Poetry Explication

Expository Essays:

Structure of a General Expository Essay

Expository Essay Examples

Sample Expository Essay

Expository Writing

Expository Essay Model

Elements of Expository Essays

Expository Writing Information

Expository Essays

Writing Expository Essays

How to Write an Expository Essay

Tips on Writing an Expository Essay

Expository Essays

Essay Map

Writing Expository Essays

How to Create a Strong Expository Essay

Expository Essay Writing

The Expository Essay

Research Papers:

How to Write a Research Paper in Literature

Writing a Research Paper

The Research Paper

How to Write a Research Paper

Five Paragraph Research Paper

Sample Research Paper

Writing a Research Paper

Tips for a Research Paper

How to Write a Research Paper

Writing a Scientific Research Paper

Writing Research Papers

Research and Writing

Research Papers that Rock

How to Write an Effective Research Paper

College Application Essays:

Application Essay Tips

Application Essays

Tips

10 Tips

Application Essays

How to Write a College Application Essay

Tips for an Effective Essay

Do’s and Don’t’s

College Application Essay

How to Write a College Application Essay

Narrative Essays:

Narrative and Descriptive

Narrative Essay Writing

The Personal Essay

Narrative Essays

Narrative Essays

Writing Narrative Essays

Narrative/Descriptive

Narrative Essay

Writing a Narrative Essay

Tips on Writing a Narrative Essay

[naaaaaaaad]

And it happened again..

I make the same mistakes. But I'm exhausted too.. when it comes to me, no excuse. I did wrong but then it extend as a realease of other people's mistake.

I dont know which one is right, or am I wrong?

I just wanna be free. My feelings are valid too. I feel down, sad and so depressed bout my life too, yet mine wont be understood.

What life is this? I feel so guilty.

[naaaaaaaad]

2 hari yang lalu merupakan hari yang saya tunggu-tunggu karena paketan berisi aksesoris untuk tablet saya sampai. Tidak sabar untuk segera ke pgm dan beli phone holder supaya bisa merekam dari posisi yang lebih baik. Ohiya, rencananya mau buat video unboxing ala-ala yang sering saya nonton di yutub. Sumpah excited sekaliiii..

Janjian dengan icha ke mall untuk main pump it up, lalu beli barang di mr.diy, kemudian pulang dengan hati yang senang.

Sampai di rumah, posisikan hp dengan phone holder agar dapat sudut yang baik untuk merekam. Mulailah unboxing dari tabletnya, kemudian case, dst. Excited sekaliii meskipun skill belum mumpuni dan hasil videonya...flop hahahaha

Lanjut unboxing album NCT 2020 resonance pt. 2 departure version. Anyway, ini album kpop pertama saya semenjak jadi kpop fans hahaha

Nah, sementara unboxing album, mama datang dan duduk di samping. And she said, " tadi ibu X menelpon, tanya kalau mau sama X. Kalau iya, sudah mau datang melamar.." The moment I heard that ibu name, my mood went down, like literally it was ruined.

And my answer was no. I'm not ready for marrige yet, so it's a no. Despite my mom's reaction, she said to be straight forward to them if I don't want to, tell him. I did tell that ibu when she told me a year ago. I said no.

Ketika mama suruh saya bilang langsung sama X kalau saya belum mau, saya sadar bahwa dia tidak pernah bertanya langsung sama saya. Hanya melalui tantenya. So why should I contact him about that while he never ask me personally? So I just need to answer through his aunty then. 🤔

Heran. Hubungan yang mau menjalani siapa, yang bertanya siapa dan yang ditanya siapa?.

Ini si X yng tidak gentle atau bagaimana? Though I hope he never ask so I don't have to feel any guilty.

Daaan satu hal yang saya benci adalah kenapa pertanyaan itu langsung dilayangkan kepada orang tua saya, but not ME? Saya merasa tidak dihargai, seperti orang yang hanya ikut & pasrah dengan keputusan orang lain. NOPE.

Ohya yang 1 tahun lalu itu, tantenya bahkan tidak bertanya apakah saya mau atau tidak tapi hanya memberitahukan bahwa ponakannya suka saya dan dia mau bilang sama aba. And I was like ?????? WHAT THE? Don't you have to ask me first?

Bau-bau patriarki dan tukang atur sudah tercium, omagaaadd I can't think any good about them 🙄

Actually his parents & other family are nice but It's just me who dont want yet.

Dan jugaaa, how come he likes me while we almost never meet, talk or know each other. How come?????????? He has no idea how wild I'm actually 😑 It feels suspicious.

[naaaaaaaad]

We need to stop interfering other's life and desicisions.

I'm the owner of my life not my parents. You should ask me first. And my answers Is the final.

[naaaaaaaad]

Another phase of quarantine~~

It sucks? Yes it does.

When will it end?

[naaaaaaaad]

Pada akhirnya, it'll be your own battle. Apapun yang kau pilih untuk dijalani, hanya akan ada dirimu yang berjuang.

So that's why you should be your own hero. You should save yourself cause no one else could.

I realize this thing lately.

Apapun yg orang tua saya "paksakan" atau pilihkan untuk saya yg menurut mereka baik dan benar, pada akhirnya adalah saya sendiri yang berjuang melalui hal itu. Pikiranku, tenagaku, waktuku dan mentalku. Mereka yang terkuras habis. Saya sadar betul selama kuliah + koas. Yang berjuang mati2an didalam sampe bikin trauma adalah saya. Yang merasakan sakit hati adalah saya.

Begitupun melakukan sesuatu yang memiliki resiko. Contoh yang dialami mama saya, karna rasa tidak enak maka beliau pergi ke acara pesta besar yang dimana byk orang tidak peduli protokol kesehatan. Setelah pulang beliau sakit, yg cukup berat sampe beliau merasa tidak sanggup. Disitu saya sadar, yg merasakan tersiksanya sakit adalah beliau, bukan orang lain yg beliau pikirkan perasaannya. Mereka hanya bisa ucapkan doa dan "cepat sembu". But the one who battling is her. Just her.

Yahh, harus mulai belajar memikirkan diri sendiri sebelum melakukan sesuatu hal. Karna at the end it's us with ourself. Rasa tidak enak, fuck it!. Be wise with yourself too.

Setelah iship, muncullah episode selanjutnya dalam hidup. Sialnya terlahir jadi anak bungsu yang selalu diatur! Menikah dan lanjut sekolah. 2 hal yang jadi beban pikiran akhir2 ini.

Secara pribadi, saya tidak punya masalah dgn persoalan menikah. Tidak terburu-buru, bahkan belum kepikiran. But what I'm anticipating is my family 😌 I wish they'll STOP interfering my personal life. I'm doing fine! Alhamdulillah.. So please stop :(

Selanjutnya masalah lanjut sekolah, terutama spesialis. Di pikiran orang tuaku adalah pasti lanjut spesialis. But unfortunately, me still having and keeping those traumas in my coass life which make me sooo unprepared and uneasy just by thinking to enter ppds life. Apakah bisa? I believe in myself i can insya Allah. But to re-experience all those anxiety, panic, unfairness is I'm not ready yet. Like I just get rid of those, then I have to feel it again? :" like.. i can I feel being alive? Like living myself to the fullest?

7 tahun kuliah + koas yang mati2an itu, jaraaaaaang skli bisa liburan. Karna knp? Tidak diizinkan :). Padahal kepala sudah mau pecah.

Bukan keluar kota, hanya dalam sulteng tp tetap tidak boleh. Semua serba dikekang. Padahal jiwanya mau bebas. Bayangkan I've been hold my wants until now :( kalo diingat2 mau menangis..seriously. my parents are too afraid till they almost won't let me do anything. Padahal anaknya sudah mau gila.

[naaaaaaaad]

1st of september.

Seharusnya adalah hari pertama untuk memulai rutinitas yg sudah direncanakan, tapi apa daya banyak yang gagal karna harus urus mama yang sakit daan, malas juga sih hahahah lebih pilih main hape 😅

Semoga selanjutnya bisa terlaksanakan 🙆‍♀

Btw, mama tambah lemas :( so I decided untuk pasang infus supaya bisa masuk obat injeksi. Akhirnya cari2 lah apotik yang jual peralatan infus dan obat2 injeksi yang dibutuhkan. Surprisingly, it was so expensive -_-, memang bpjs itu mah murah bgt dna sangaat meringankan hahahah

Mama kyknya seumur2 blm pernah diinfus (?), and she always avoided it whenever she felt sick. Hari ini mama pasrah, mungkin karna sudah tidak tahan lagi. Dan sayapun memberanikan diri untuk infus wkwkwk padahal dalam diri penuh keraguan, "bisa tidak e?" "bgmn kalo gagal?" and so on. Tapi sok yakin depan mama 😂

Sering pasang infus? Alhamdulillah sering, tapi sudah jarang semenjak iship hahaha

Setelah terpasang infus, masuk obat pamungkas (f*rbi*n), alhamdulillah mama sudah tidak terlalu lemas. Tapi perutnya masih sakiit? Masuk lah ket*r*l*c. Alhamdulillah berefek.

Semoga mama cepat sembuuuhh, sungguh sangat sedih & khawatir :(, daan jadi susah keluaar hahahaha I LOVE YOU MOM 🥰😘

[naaaaaaaad]

When my mood are good, my dreams are like parachute that starts to expand. I feel somehow optimistic about my dreams.

One day, I'll live in Korea. Living as nice as I've imagined.

[naaaaaaaad]

Studying isn’t always pretty, and it doesn’t have to be. In the end it’s all about learning new things, growing as a person and increasing your view of the world. It’s about employing effective methods which work for you, so you can learn as much as you can and what you want. For me, it often means not making any notes and rather using anki. For others, it can be endless practice sheets. Whatever works and works efficiently, employ it so you can grow as much as possible.

[naaaaaaaad]

As nobody's perfect, so are my parents. They're only an ordinary human. They had a thousand times tougher childhood than I had. They were very poor with a lot of siblings. Thanks to Allah they had a chance to finish their study until senior high school, so it's possible for my dad to reach what he has now.

Maybe they never learn about how to have a good parenting let alone learn about child psychology. They might not have an acses or they never had a concern about that.

So, they used to argue a lot in front of me and my sister. Till I'm using to it :). The problems were my dad is a breadwinner for his siblings which are mostly a parasite and dislike my mother, and my dad was having a affair, not only once :), yet It may still happen until now.

As I grow up, I started to understand everything. And, I hate them.

[naaaaaaaad]

Alhamdulillah, senang dan sangat bersyukur untuk merekaaa 😍😍

[naaaaaaaad]

I've been interested in desk decoration (?) or anything related to stationary stuffs. I really like to see how people manage their desk, all the stuffs they put on it, just how they decorate it.

Having a proper desk has been on my wishlist, and I finally have one now :').. so happy. Just the thinking of decorating my desk already make me feel happy and so excited 🥺😊

[naaaaaaaad]

"kalimat terjahat yang pernah orang lontarkan ke kamu, dan sampai sekarang kamu tidak bisa lupa?" - @/aMrazing via twitter.

Hmm.. Saya akui saya orangnya cukup pendendam. Kadang cuek bebek, tapi kadang dipendam bahkan skenarionya diulang2 dlm kepala.

Kalo soal kalimat2 jahat pasti semua orang pernah alami, tergantung tiap individu bagaimana bereaksi. Sebagian anggap santai, tapi ada juga yang sensitif. Yang penting jgn saling merendahkan, krn tiap orang punya cerita yang berbeda.

Beberapa kalimat jahat (menurut saya) bisa terngiang2 dlm beberapa hari terutama bagi manusia overthinking dan people-pleaser seperti saya.

Kalimat2 jahat yang paling epic yg tidak pernah terlupakan, antara lain:

1. Di pendidikan dokter sudah menjadi hal umum kalo kita sering mendapat kata2 kasar, kalimat2 yang pedis, dsb. Jadi ktanya harus kuat mental menelan semua itu. Yap.

Saya pribadi juga sdh sering dimarah didpn umum ato dpn pasien, ato saat sendiri. Semuanya ditelan saja, dan sok kuat padahal lutut sudah lemas, hati sudah berkeping2 wkwkwkwk tapi pernah ada pengalaman..

Lagi dalam suatu stase, stlh menemani dokter visite di ranap, saya lupa bahwa beliau harus ditunjukkan pasien yg di vip, sy kira beliau sudah tau tp ternyata tidak (beliau menggantikan dokter yg sering visit krn lg izin), bodoh mmg. Jd beliau lgsg menuju ke arah poli, (sdh setengh jalan) kemudian sy tersadar, sprtinya beliau tdk tau klo ada pasien vip jadi sy ingatkan. (beliau sdh berumur, jd mengalami sdkit kesulitan utk berjalan) waahh, kagetnya sy beliau marah2, krn tdk diberi tau dari awal. Segala macam kata2 yg berarti bodoh diarahkan kpd sya sepanjang jalan. Mulai dari jalan menuju ke tiap kelas vip (ada 2 kelas) sampai ke poli dan tidak lupa beliau curhat ke tiap perawat ruangan, untungnya mereka tidak kompor hehehe.

"Bodo', goblok, tolo'.." dan rangkaian kata pembanding dgn mhs univ. lain. Ada juga "mukamu tampang polos tp..." (lupa lanjutannya wkwkwk) diulang2 smpe sesak juga didengar. Bahkan beliau mengancam mau lapor sm supervisor (OMG! (°ﾛ°٥) bisa mendekam sy di stase itu). Silahkan dimarah2 smpe puas, tp jgn dilapor (╥﹏╥) hahahahah dasar koas remahan rengginang yang tdk berdaya.

Saya akui memang sgt salah, knp bisa smpai lupa. Cuma yahh, menurut sy beliau terlalu berlebihan dlm mengata2i saya. Saya cukup terpukul dan malu, untung teman se-stase itu tmn dekat sy, jd mereka cukup mengerti.

Sampai skrg tiap ketemu beliau, hanya senyuman munafik yg sy tampakkan, tp ingatan sy tdk pernah lupa dengan momen tersebut. Ada beberapa hal yang membuat kata2 beliau terasa jauh lebih menyakitkan, ada kenyataan2 yg beliau tdk ketahui, yg bisa mematahkan segala omongan kasarnya. Tapi yahh lagi2 hanya remahan rengginang.

Hahahahahahahaha ingin mentertawai diri kenapa bisa selemah dan sebodoh ini..

2. Pernah lagi menjalani salah satu stase yg horor, kemudian terjadi perang didalamnya. Krn hal yg dilakukan oleh senior yg sudah selesai ujian stase dan keluar dri stase. Mereka sbnrnya hanya mengungkapkan unek2, tapi yaah yg jadi sasaran kita para junior yg msh dlm stase hahahaha lucu rasanya. Kemudian ada salah satu oknum, dia bicara sm sy soal masalah tersebut. Menyampaikan ketersinggungannya, sambil menjelek2kan kami koas, terkhususnya dari univ. sy. Yg intinya, kami hanya modal uang tp otak tidak ada. Kemudian dia bandingkan dgn univ.2 di pulau jawa.

Hmm... sedih sekali dan sakit hati. Dengan mudahnya dia blg itu sama saya tanpa beban. Ingin sekali sy balas kata2nya, sy beberkan fakta2 yg bisa mematahkan argumennya yg tdk berdasar. Ingiiiinn sekali, tp sialnya sy cm diam. Sy diam saking jengkelnya. Oknum tsb mmg salah satu yg ceplas-ceplos dan berani. Yg terpikirkan oleh sy saat itu, ingin lapor salah satu teman sy yg org tuanya petinggi di RS, mau liat apakah dia msh berani ato tidak. Apakah dia berani sm sy karna bukan siapa2? Hmm sial!

Semoga hidupnya lancar2 saja dan tidak sombong (￣へ￣)

3. Kali ini mengenai insecurity sy sejak kecil. Secara fisik sy memang tidak mirip dengan kk sy. Kk sy mmg sangat cantik, putih, perfectlah scra fisik. Sedangkan sy kurus, hitam dan berbeda.

Sejak kecil org2 sering berkata, "beda dorang e?..", "ihh kenapa lain deng dpe kk?".. Semakin besar, sy mulai mengerti apa maksud mereka. Bahwa sebagai adik kandung, sy sma skli tidak mirip dgn kk sya, atau dlm artian sy tdk secantik kk sya. Lebih jelek cuy wkwkwkwk

Pernah sy lg baring2 di sofa, tiba2 tante sy dtg trus elus kepala sy sambil blg, " alhamdulillah, so gaga sdki ngana ee.." (sdh tampak cantik sdkit katanya).. Sy kaget dan hanya diam.

Scra kepribadian juga ckup berbeda, sy tdk bgtu dekat dgn keluarga dan cukup tertutup. Hnya tmn2 dekat yg mengenal aslinya sy. Klo sama orang baru hanya diam dan senyum2 sj. Ternyata hal tsb mencolok di mata keluarga sy, kk sy terkenal sbgai org yg menyenangkan, asik pokoknya. Sdgkan sy cuma diam2. Kemudian merekapun terheran2 smp berucap, "beda yah, nda sm kyk ka sabria. Orgnya rame/asik..", sy hanya senyum, dan sadar bahwa "i dont belong here".

ohiyaa pernah juga ke mall sma2 dgn tmn2nya kk di manado, trus kita lagi duduk2 tggu pesanan. Barusan kenalan dgn mereka hari itu. Sy lg main tab, tiba2 tmnnya kk blg, " sabria so ambil smua ngana pe gagah ee.." (kkku cantiik bgt smpe sy sdh tdk kebagian cantiknya alias jelek) sambil tatap sy. Sy kaget terdiam kyk "huhh??" kemudian senyum tipis terpaksa, lanjut main tab, dan trnyta kk sy juga kaget dengar kata2nya tmnnya itu hahahahaha dasar tdk ada otak, bru kenal lgsg menghina (¬_¬)

I'm growing up realizing that I'm different from my sister, like I dont deserve to be her sister. I should be pretty too and fun just like her.

Sedih, sangat sedih. Bahkan sy trauma klo harus memperkenalkan diri sebgai adik dri kk sya. Semua org tidak percaya, SEMUA. Bahkan mrka menunjukkan ekspresi terheran2 yg buat sy sakit hati. Memangnya sy tidak pantas terlahir jd adiknya? Hnya krn sy tdk secantik dia?

Teman2 sayapun menunjukkan reaksi yg sama, kdg mereka bawa bermain/ making joke bahwa sy sgt berbeda dgn kk sy, kk sy sgt cantik sdgkan sy.. sambil tertawa Hahahahahah.. Sy juga ikut tertawa krn tdk mau dianggap kyk anak2 yg cepat tersinggung. But I cant lie, that It hurts me, a lot. Bcs even my friends are moking me. Mungkin org2 menganggap bahwa itu hnya bahan bercanda belaka krn sdh dekat. Tp itu adalah salah satu hal yg sngt sensitif dlm hidup sy. Sy takut dikatai lebay, jadi sy hnya tersenyum, tp sejujurnya sgt sedih. Bahkan mrk yg tidak mengenal kk sy dgn baikpun bisa berkata demikian. Dunia mmg tdk adil hahahahha yg cantik/ganteng selalu menang hahahah sial.

Kk saya kebetulan kerja di salah satu RS tempat sy belajar. Nah punya tmn2 baru dari univ. tetangga..

Then they asked me about my relationship with my sister. When I heard their question, I am like hhfffffttt it happens again. They so shock knowing that she is my real sister. Their expression tho hahahahah like I'm completely an ugly duckling who's having a barbie as my sister hahahahahahhaha shiittt!

Jujur sangat trauma dgn pertanyaan mengenai hubunganku dgn kk ku. Krn org2 tdk percaya. I understand. I'm completely aware how I look like and how my sister looks like. I'm 100% agree how pretty is my sister and how different we are. Tho it doesn't mean I don't worth to be her sister. And y'all be like I dont deserve it.

Maybe only my parents and one of my friend who said that I look like my sister in this world hahahahaha

When some of my friends start to compare me and my sister, I look at them and saying " you ain't better than me tho, you're not that pretty to mock me ugly.." (dalam hati tentunya hhahhahahahahah)

Dewasa ini saya mengerti tentang body shamming. Bahwa kita tidak berhak utk menjudge fisik seseorang as we're not perfecT either. Daan fisik bukan satu2nya hal yg dinilai dari seseorang, tp attitude tetap nomor satu.

Ohiyaa, sy juga sedih tiap kali diejek/ dibanding2kan krn sy berpikir apakah perbuatan baik sy mmg tdk bernilai sehingga hanya berdasarkan fisik sy makanya sy direndahkan. Bahkan tmn2 sypun. Sedih sekali.

Mungkin hal ini sensitif hanya pada beberapa orang yg memiliki pengalaman yg tidak enak. Bgai beberapa hanya santai dna menganggap bahan bercanda.

Sy pernah lgsg membalas perkataan teman sya sewaktu dia membandingkan sy dgn kk sya.

Waktu itu sy menceritakan bgmn bedanya perlakuan sepupu saya thp sy dgn kk sy. Dia lgsg nyambung, "oh iyo beda skli mmg kau dgn kkmu bla bla bla" sy lupa kata2 akhirnya. Sbnrnya sy sdh mengira2 klo sy bahas perbandingan sy dgn kk sy, tmn2 sy lgsg mengiyakan dna sdkit mengejek, dan yap terjadi. Emosi sy lgsg meluap, kmudian sy blg "sy tdk suka dibanding2kan dgn kkku, coba kalo kau yg dibanding2kan dgn sodaramu" lalu teman sy menjawab "ih sy tdk pernah dibandingkan.." kemudian hening... 2 org tmn sy yg menyaksikan juga hening. Ini pertama kalinya sy bersuara saat sy dibandingkan hahahahaha sy hening rasa tdk enak, tp biarlah smoga mrk berhenti membanding2kan hahahahaha

Tapi kami sudah berbaikan, sy jga sgt menyesal sudah bicara begitu sekaligus malu ≥﹏≤

Btw saat ketik ini lagi menstruasi hari pertama, jadi emosinya kacau hahahaha

Ohya hal ini juga yg membuat sy jd insecure dgn diri sy sendiri. Sy selalu merasa tidak cukup baik, either physically or my behavior. Bcs I always feel inferior than other person. Tidak pantas untuk mendapatkan beberapa hal bcs I don't think I belong to them.

Sy juga kurang suka berkumpul sm keluarga, krn malas being judged especially how I look.

I'm aware that I'm different, I dont fit in society's standard. I'm not that pretty, I don't dress as nice as them, I'm not a fun person, and I somehow behave differently. I'm just different. So I'm better out from them and just go to my friends who accept me for the way I am. Or just by myself.