namenotfound69

[namenotfound69]

I just turned 22. Wish I hadn't.

Am I the only one who mourns on their birthday?

22 and still lost.

Where did all my dreams go?

Happy birthday, self. There's not much to celebrate but you still get to taste beers.

Hey, you managed to keep yourself alive for this long. Shouldn't you at the very least be grateful for that?

[namenotfound69]

1am realization

As I am listening to Laufey's Love To Keep Me Warm (coz life's been really cold to me lately), who is also my favorite indie artist today, I suddenly came to a realization that I don't hate life but rather I hate myself.

I hate myself for knowing that life's not fair and yet I'm still doing nothing about it. I'm still hopeless. Directionless. To be honest, I don't know anymore. Like, why was I even born? My brain's boutta explode with all these disturbing thoughts. Matter of fact, I would very much appreciate it if this brain would explode already.

August, my birth month. Would I make a good fertilizer?

[namenotfound69]

I'm back after a few months. (like someone really cares)

So what happened?

First of all, I'm in a 3-month reading slump. BUT, I'm getting back on track now. I'm loving this book I'm reading right now, it's called Every Last Word. Can't wait to finish it and write my thoughts about it. Speaking of, I told myself I'm gonna be writing not reviews but what I felt, learned, and think about the book I've read. I'm gonna continue doing that right now. Though I've already forgotten some of the books I've read but I'm still gonna try my best to express my thoughts.

What else?

Super stressed out about this thesis that me and my groupmates are working on right now. Lot of revisions and brainstorming (without the brain). I hope that we can pull this through.

That's all for now. (I guess??)

ciao.

[namenotfound69]

1st and 2nd book 2022: Children of Blood and Bone and Children of Virtue and Vengeance by Tomi Adeyemi

This is not a book review. Just a guy expressing his thoughts about the books he'd had read.

Children of blood and bone was one of the last books my dad bought for me as a gift when I graduated from senior high school back in early 2019. So, I basically have this book in my care for about 3 years now.

This book is like a mix of Percy Jackson and Harry Potter (though I haven't read the hp yet but I'd had watched the movies) coz the story revolves around magic and there are gods/deities as well, but it's more brutal and bloodthirsty I'd say. I mean there are deaths in the books I've compared it with but the description was merely straightforward like "...and then a spear pierced through his chest, his heartbeat stopped." something like that. But in this book, the description of how the character was killed was savage and grotesque. I was literally grossed out by how vivid the narration was.

I have a love-hate relationship with the main character, Zelie. She can be a real bitch sometimes. I like the second female lead better, Amari. Zelie is really bitchy towards Amari coz she hates royalty—which is understandable coz it's Amari's father who forbids the use of magic. Inan the prince—who's apparently Zelie's lover and also Amari's brother, is a conflicted character. In simplest term: An a-hole. This boy can't think on his own, he deceived Zelie many times over after making promises about making the kingdom a better place but because he's loyal to the kingdom and too scared to stand up against his dad, he always ended up doing the worst thing. Tzain, Amari's lover and Zelie's brother, is the only character I couldn't hate in this book. This dude has patience longer than the Nile river. He stayed on Zelie's side no matter the circumstance and stayed composed all the time. He's the only one who can't wield magic tho.

It's a good book overall, took me a lil longer to finish it coz some of its chapters are boring. Nevertheless, it's still a good read. I'm rating it 3.5/5.

[namenotfound69]

reading slump no more(?)

Last year, I was in a reading slump. I only get to read 2 books. But this year, from January to April, I've had already read 9 books(!!!). Now ain't that something, huh! A bit slow but a progress is still a progress. I'm gonna post my thoughts and express my feelings about each of the books I've read. Idk why I only thought about it just now but I'm gonna do it starting tomorrow.

ciao!

[namenotfound69]

2022(?)

I'm not looking forward to it. These past few years, I'm always getting fucked in the ass.

"This is going to be my year"

Nah, fuck that. Just like last year, this year's going to own me for sure. Surely my ass wouldn't be able to handle one more pounding. The only thing I'm looking forward to is Spider-Man: No Way Home and the rest of the Marvel movies that's about to come (and ofc Star Wars movies and series).

Without my dad, I don't know what's gonna happen to me for the next 365 days. It sucks, I gotta figure this shitty life on my own now.

[namenotfound69]

FUCK 2021

I'm not celebrating nor welcoming the new year. There's not much to celebrate, I guess. A lot of shit has happened to me this 2021 and I don't know how to get back up.

[namenotfound69]

Life just sucker punched me.

Back then, I used to tire myself out by playing outside under the flaming rays of the sun. It was exhausting yet fun. There's always something to look forward to. After depleting all my energy by playing non-stop, I'd always have a long and deep sleep by the end of the day.

Now, I'm exhausted even when I'm doing nothing. I'm always drained and spent even by just looking up to my room's ceiling. This is where I'm supposed to rest yet I always don't get enough sleep. Where I get to relax now is outside, under the cloudy sky while the breeze whispers through my ears. How I wish I could go back.

Life sucks.

Or maybe I'm the one who truly sucks.

[namenotfound69]

It's a cold night after a rough day.

Once again, I failed.

I failed to pass the exam that I've been getting my ass ready for the entire semester.

I woke up not confident but rather calm. We had a certification exam and it's the only exam I'm head on serious about. I'm not a hundred percent sure that I'm gonna pass, I know it will be very challenging, but I know that I can do it because I'm so focused about it for the last couple of days. I've been doing practice tests, reading our previous lessons and researching on the internet for extra knowledge. But it wasn't enough. I still failed. I didn't have enough time, I wasn't able to finish the exam. I struggled so much in each question, I only got half of the perfect score and you need more than half to be able to pass.

I was supposed to take the exam with my friends. But I chose to take it alone because I don't want them telling me the answer. I don't wanna be unfair to the people who pulled an all-nighter just to get ready for the exam. It's disrespectful. I, too, wanna try my best and be deserving of that certification.

But I failed. I guess I wasn't deserving at all.

[namenotfound69]

reading slump.

Earlier this year, I told myself that I'm going to read at least 20 books before the year ends.

Don't ask me what happened.

[namenotfound69]

seventeen/eleven/twenty-one

It's been one year since we first talked.

That day I thought, "Yes! Finally, everything's going my way now!" Well, that's what I thought. It's been one year since we first talked and 19 weeks since the last time we did. I never imagined that we'd end up like this. But I'm always gonna be grateful for her even if we're not going to have another conversation in this lifetime.

"even the best people are temporary."

Doesn't matter how much we wanted them to stay. They'll always come and go. The only thing that's permanent are memories. That's the only thing we can hold on to. It can be painful sometimes when we're just reminiscing about the good memories while knowing they'll stay as memories forever, but what can we do right? It's the only thing we have that's left of them.

She said we'd still be friends and that we can still talk. But I wasn't really born yesterday, you know. I knew that's not what's gonna happen. I knew that in any of those days that we're talking after breaking up could also be our last. But I still hoped (yes, my dumbass still hoped) that maybe what she's saying is true. Maybe our friendship will still live. Maybe she'll hit me up one day and ask me about how I'm doing. Maybe. Maybe not.

The least I can I wish for is that it wouldn't be thrown into trash. The laugh we shared, the stories, the snoring hours, the letters we exchanged, and really the memories. I'm a forgetful person but there are things, events, and people that I can't just seem to forget. I'm also afraid to be forgotten.

"Did I left this person with good memories?"

"Did I made this person feel special?"

"Was I ever helpful to this person?"

"Was I just a phase for this person?"

There're always these type of questions in my head. And no matter how many times I get an answer for it, it'll come back and linger for more coz my brain will never be satisfied.

"it is what it is"

It just really sucks, you know. It sucks knowing you made special moments with a certain person and one day you'll wake up as strangers again. But life will continue to go on for her and so should mine.

Now, we're just a part of each other's memory.

[namenotfound69]

idk anymore.

I feel emotionally tired and mentally drained these past few days.

I'm being overwhelmed by my own thoughts and I'm having mood swings more frequent than ever. It's like I have a period (had me a dick check, he's still there luckily).

I'm breathing yet I feel really dead inside.

x_x

[namenotfound69]

"driving is fun"

sure. it is fun.

especially when you have some pretty solid playlist playing in the background.

but not until you got ticketed on two different violations and got hit by another car while waiting to get juiced up in the gas station.

All in one day.

:>

[namenotfound69]

am I really learning anything?

they said, "college isn't for everyone".

yea.

totally agree.

but if I stop college now, it's like turning down the one-time offer to get on a scene with lana rhoades.

won't ever get another chance in life.

EVER.

[namenotfound69]

how can u miss someone u haven't even met?

are u dumb?

yes.

[namenotfound69]

I already saw it coming,

so I thought it wouldn't affect me.

But I still got myself hurt,

as I was hoping for a different outcome.

[namenotfound69]

isn't she lovely?

the way she walk

the way she breathe music when she talk

she's like the dream car that I can't afford

all I can do was to stare while in awe

oh she's so perfect

like she has no flaws

oh she's so dreamy

she's making me yawn

she got me daydreaming

with her eyes that's gleaming

can't hold back this feeling

when will I be yours?