namivaguese

[namivaguese]

A proper introduction

Hi, my name is Nami. I'm a 21-year-old Indonesian who really likes to write, and I'm here to...well...write. I'm not that much of a fiction writer, but I'm big on diary entries and academic-ish essays, so expect those in my blog. I used to be more active here on Tumblr back when I was younger (come to think about it, it was a long long time ago), now I'm only getting back to using it and since I barely know anyone now, I hope I can meet someone here.

Since it's probably not wise to share personal information here on the internet, here's some irrelevant facts about myself:

According to personality tests, I'm an INTP and a Hufflepuff.

She/her pronouns please.

I used to be really into politics, and I ended up choosing political science as my major. I'm currently in my final year and now I'm sick of politics.

Deep down I'm still a regular stereotypical progressive polsci student; a staunch anti-capitalist wanting to decolonize academia, but right now I'm just fucking tired.

Like, tired tired, I wish to graduate real soon.

I can play the guitar and sing quite well.

But I can't do any sports. Like nothing.

If you can't tell by now, I really like making lists.

If my memory serves right, most people on Tumblr bond upon same interests, so here are some things I like

Music; I'm a self-proclaimed music nerd, so I listen to everything, but I'm particularly big on folk music. Here are some favorites that I can think of right now:

Essentials: The Beatles (fav album: Abbey Road); Queen (fav albums: ADATR and ANATO); The Beach Boys (fav album: Pet Sounds); Joan Baez, Bob Dylan.

Edgy New York apartment vibe musicians: Ben Folds (fav album: So There); Regina Spektor (fav albums: Far, Soviet Kitsch); Fiona Apple (fav album: Fetch the Bolt Cutters), Vampire Weekend, Japanese Breakfast.

Classical: Erik Satie, Claude Debussy.

Music that pretentious indie lesbians listen to: Mitski, Weyes Blood, Lucy Dacus, Dodie.

Slow dancing in South America vibes: Natalia Lafourcade; Devendra Banhart (fav album: Ma and Mala); João Gilberto

Pitchfork folk: Simon & Garfunkel (the folkish albums); Fleet Foxes (fav album: Helplessness Blues); Joanna Newsom (fav album: Have One on Me); Ichiko Aoba; Vashti Bunyan.

Ethnic folk: Masakatsu Takagi, Coreyah, Sid Meier's Civilization series soundtracks (a great intro to world music), gamelan songs.

Pop: Taylor Swift, Lorde.

K-Pop: Red Velvet; Mamamoo.

Others I really enjoy that doesn't fit in these categories: Bombay Bicycle Club, P. Ramlee, Wieteke van Dort, Luisa Sobral, Spiritualized.

Movies; While I do enjoy watching films, I don't watch that much movies there days. My top 4 Letterboxd picks include Submarine (2010), Y Tu Mamá También (2001), Breathless (1960), and Whisper of The Heart (1995). If anything, I enjoy feel good aesthetic quirky indie films, any film by Cuarón, any film by Godard, any film by Bong Joon-ho (he doesn't make the top 4, but I enjoy everything he does), and some Ghibli.

Books: I read very randomly so I can't even name any favorite author or genre right now, but I love books and would love to talk about them.

Right. That's all I guess. Feel free to leave a like/reblog so I can check out your blog and drop a hi in your inbox. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a great day!

[namivaguese]

weyes blood || titanic rising

[namivaguese]

On the Last 10 days of Ramadan

For those of you who do not know, Muslims around the world are now observing the month of Ramadan. You probably know it as the Muslim hungry month, in which we're supposed to fast a.k.a abstain from eating, drinking, and having sex during daylight for a whole month. Not only that, we're also supposed to improve our prayers and good deeds, which includes salah (no, not the footballer), reading the Qur'an, donating to charity, and being a good person.

If you're not a Muslim, you will probably think that fasting is hard. Especially the not drinking part. But since I live in a Muslim majority country, most of us actually find fasting really easy since we're used to it ever since we were little.

I too used to feel that fasting was a breeze for the most of my life. But it's getting harder now. I feel ashamed to admit this, but it's getting really hard now that I actually, rather recently, practice Islam (even though I do fast during Ramadan for my whole life, I never really practice the others...especially my daily prayers).

See, during the pandemic I developed a really healthy morning routine, to help me stay productive and actually function. The most integral part of my morning routine is—you guessed it—coffee. See, my morning routine turned me to a morning person, in which I work really well in the mornings. Now in Ramadan, I can't have a good night's 7-8 hours of sleep in the night, hence I can't even wake up, let alone function in the morning.

Yes, I have tried everything (except eating and drinking) to help me function in the morning. But all failed, so the only thing I can do is shift my schedule and work at night.

From a spiritual perspective, I feel really great and fulfilled fasting and doing all my prayers. But from a productive (read: doing my work and doing my thesis) standpoint, Ramadan has been, to put it bluntly, a disaster. At this point, a snail can probably work faster than me. Damn, I'm supposed to submit my bachelor's thesis by the end of June and I'm only in chapter two (out of five). I don't even know whether or not I can finish it, but I'm trying my best.

The worst thing is that it's only getting worse because we're now entering the last ten days of Ramadan. In which we're expected to pray more and more during the night (I don't really know how to explain it myself, but here's why). I'm looking forward to--and actually enjoy praying at night, but I fully realize that improving my prayers will make me spend less time doing work and my thesis, which will further damage my already slow work pace.

See, the constant narrative I often hear from Muslims is that practicing Islam is...hard, because we have a set of rules and practices that we have to observe. Which requires a great amount of self discipline. And I have to agree. The second part of the narrative is that it'll get easier by time. Huh. For me it's not getting easier yet. It's like the opposite of trying to quit your addiction cold turkey. Which made me realize that I took my religion—and the comfort of living in a Muslim majority country—for granted.

So yeah. Ramadan. A month of blessings and spiritual awakening, but comes at a great cost. I'll probably get used to it in a few years, but right now I accept defeat.

[namivaguese]

Lessons from My Dad: On Modesty, Sacrifice, and Balance

I don't know about yours, but my dad is awesome. He has this way of consistently living with his personal values that taught me in so many ways that books and lectures could not.

Here's how the simple act of working taught me a lot about modesty, sacrifice, and balance. Before I go on, three important contexts:

1. My dad is a devout Muslim;

2. Who, ironically, works in a conventional bank;

3. For those who doesn't know, riba (the act of usury/taking interest) is considered universally by scholars as a major sin in Islam. Although it is still disputed whether or not conventional banking is riba, most agree that it is.

On Modesty

Growing up, I was always taught to live modestly. Although I am privileged enough to never have to worry about food, education, and medical expenses, I do not live in luxury. Sometimes I get do jealous of my friends and cousins--rich friends and cousins who would go on trips abroad on a yearly basis, always own the newest iPhone model, use branded goods, and have drivers to help them get around town. See, such luxuries are never available for me, so it's only natural for me to want them.

But most of the time I'm indifferent about it. I grew content of middle class live, because who need these kind of luxuries anyway? I certainly don't. Living is just living and it's not like we have a choice to live otherwise, since my dad doesn't have that kind of disposable income to spend in the first place...right?

Wrong.

I was 18 when I realized that our modest lifestyle is indeed a choice.

In my university, we have two kinds of tuition payment systems: the expensive BOP-P in which you just need to pay, and the more affordable BOP-B which requires you to fill out a shitton of administrative requirements. Students in the regular program like me can choose which kind of payment we prefer, so I chose the affordable BOP-B. One of the administrative requirement for BOP-B is the paycheck of anyone responsible for our tuition. So naturally, I had to ask for my dad's paycheck.

I really hope this doesn't come across as bragging (but I understand if it does), but it was the first time in my life I realized how much money he actually makes. The amount he makes in a month is the kind of money I couldn't imagine having.

And so I realized that my dad's (and by extension, his family's) lifestyle was indeed a choice. We could live in luxury like the rich and still have enough to save, but we live a relatively middle middle class live.

For which I am thankful...but back then, still kind of bitter about it. All I ever wanted is to travel, and I could have been a traveler!

On Sacrifice

Perhaps my dad noticed how bitter I was upon discovering how rich he actually is. Or perhaps he just had a certain whim, I don't know. But one day he decided to tell me this:

"I don't spend money on things we don't need because my job is riba. It's haram money."

Ah. So that's why. I understand.

See, Islam is a religion full of instructions and prohibitions. And among the instructions and prohibitions, there are some that major scholars universally agree upon, while some are disputed.

Hijab? Universally instructed.

Niqab? Disputed.

Alcohol? Universally prohibited.

Listening to music? Disputed.

See, I thought that riba is among the disputed. It wasn't until very recently when I discovered that riba is actually universally prohibited (if you want to know more about it, do your own research. I'm here to tell a story, not a fiqh lesson).

And thus I remember that back back then, there was a moment when my dad was very conflicted about working in a conventional bank. Fortunately, the bank that my dad works for had a sharia division (I'm not sure what the correct term is, but let's call it that), and my dad had asked the HR to be moved to the sharia division. Unfortunately, the HR can't do anything to help my dad.

And so my dad was left with two choices, remain or quit his work in the bank (damn, this reminds me of Brexit. Lat's call it the Bankxit). My mom insisted that he should stay.

So he stayed.

For someone as religious as my dad, this was a very atypical decision. Normally, he would choose his religion over anything. But this time, he chose his family.

But If that is not the most selfless sacrifice he had ever made in his entire life, I don't know what it is.

On Balance

My dad made the choice for his family, not himself. For him, it is very hard to stay in the bank. And as a non-religious person myself, I can only imagine how hard it actually is.

When I'm still awake at 2-3 am, most of the times my dad would still be awake to do tahajjud (night) prayers. Sometimes I overheard his prayers, and he would cry, begging for God to forgive his sins, one of which is taking haram money.

In the grand scheme of things, my dad is only one among million other devout Muslim who works in haram jobs. Despite non-practicing, I am, after all, still a Muslim who believes in the Islamic God. And thus I do ask the big question: Will God forgive all the devout prostitutes, bartenders, bankers?

I don't know the answer. No one knows the answer. But in the holy month of Ramadan, I sincerely hope that they will be forgiven.

By the end of the day, staying in the bank is a very hard thing to do for my dad. But as a devout Muslim, a great banker, and an amazing dad, he's able to balance all that.

For which I am proud for.

[namivaguese]

plant studies from bf’s parents garden 

[namivaguese]

Routines

Here’s what my typical day looks like: I wake up at whatever (I have an amazing body clock that automatically wakes up somewhere between 7-10); then drink a glass of water; then I take either a shower or just brush my teeth and wash my face, depending on how dirty I feel that morning; then I do my skincare; then I eat breakfast and take my morning caffeine of choice—most days it’s matcha or black coffee; then I clean my desk, put on a nice album, and get to work. Very recently, I try to squeeze in exercising right before showers, but as someone who's a complete stranger to physical activities, it still takes a while to get used to.

If you go to the military academy or just someone who is very organized and disciplined in general, morning routines like these are probably a breeze. But if you know me, you know I'm a very disorganized and overall chaotic person. For the most of my life, I just rawdog the fuck out my days and pray for the best. Routines are something I've only been able to try out because of the pandemic, and even then it takes me months to get used to. No, my routine's not a million dollar routine or anything, but it's quick and it helps to kick off my day. And that's what my life these days have been about: getting back on track. Fortunately, as a middle class young adult living in the comfort of my parents' home, this is a rather easy thing to do.

Other than getting back on track so I can do more work and therefore have more value in this capitalist society, at its core, routines has helped me in a deeper way: giving something I finally have control over.

I've learned the bitter truth over the past few years: no matter how hard we try, there's always something we have absolutely no control over. And if you're someone who cares so much about outcomes, not getting the results you expected despite already trying your best can crush you. Work and achievements-wise, I've been there too much to the point I became desensitized. But daily life-wise, not having control over something makes me feel...powerless.

Let's talk about loneliness, something us young adults know all too well.

See, I'm on my final semester of college (if I can finish my thesis by June...now this bitch is something I do have control over) right now, and I only have one class to take: my thesis, which isn't a class per se. As much as I love not having to attend classes and write weekly reviews and make group presentations, not attending classes makes me feel excruciatingly lonely. Back then, there's this certain camaraderie—a feeling that we always have each others' back no matter what—between me and the people from my batch in pursuing this degree. Now I don't even know how my friends are doing unless I text them, and I feel inclined to text them because I know they're busy with work and their own thing. And when I do text them, it would take them approximately 2 hours-2 days to respond. Oh, don't even get me started on how hard it is to have a meetup with friends...our schedules hardly ever match. The cherry on top is that it's not even our fault! It's how work in the capitalism system not only alienates us from our work, it also alienates us from the people around us...fafifu wasweswos.

See, even this shit is hard for me, an Introvert™. Damn, I can't imagine how hard this is for extroverts and social butterflies.

Which is why routines helps to not only enjoy, but appreciate my own company. I might not have control over how lonely I feel that day, or whether or not my friend can respond to my sudden 3 am sadness, but at least I have control over what time I choose to wake up that day. Or what kind of caffeinated beverage I choose to take that day. Or how much time I'll spend working on my thesis that day. Or what kind of album I'll listen that morning before lunch.

Now, how do I feel right now, you ask? I regret drinking coffee because I'm on my second day of period right now (for those non-uterus having people wondering, caffeine worsens period cramps), but I enjoy writing this while belting the entire News of The World album by Queen from my heart. At the very least, I don't feel alone.

Bottom line is, do what you need to cope with loneliness. I choose my morning routine.

[namivaguese]

A thousand pages of notes, thoughts, phone numbers, ideas, shopping lists, dates, dreams

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My most recent Bulbasaur vs my first when I was 6 years old xD

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“young adult dystopian novels are so unrealistic lmao like they always have some random teenage girl rising up to inspire the world to make change.”

a hero emerges 

[namivaguese]

honestly it is SO goddamn funny whenever some straight man calls me a whore or a bitch or something like girl you think that shit hurts my feelings? my closest friend once told me i dressed like an accounting major going through her 2nd divorce while trying to get her oldest stepchild to call her once a month. THATS a real insult. try harder.

[namivaguese]

listen i love greta thunberg i really do like what an icon BUT i think it’s absolutely ridiculous that she, a literal child, is being made to be the face of stopping climate change. and she obviously thinks its ridiculous too. i’ve seen so many adults in power talking about how inspirational she is and everything, and then pretty much just stop there. it is EMBARRASSING that the 4.5 billion people over the age of 30 on earth right now are looking to one teenager to fix the problems they created. it’s not inspirational, it’s pathetic. Greta has to be so extremely aggravated with the amount of attention and lack of actual action from policymakers, because I sure am. 

[namivaguese]

Attending university is like, just feeling robbed like literally mugged and robbed and stabbed