nanicakesxx

[nanicakesxx]

001

It's been a long day. But that long day stemmed from many long days before it. That were apart of long weeks. And long years. And just a very long fucking time.

I don't know where I'm going to go with this, but I hope it gets me somewhere. I figured that if I don't know where I'm at and definitely have no clue the place I'm headed, the least I can do is try and make sense of where I know I was. Or at least what I can remember of it.

I think it's time to unpack it. You know, I'm trying to figure out a lot if shit. So. Much. Shit. I've had this idea to write about it for a while. It seems like the only thing I ever really knew how to do.

So basically I was told I was a good writer growing up. I felt that too. Like, I felt like I was a good writer just like they told me I was. My mom always begged me to do it. But I didn't want to. There were times I felt closer to it, even taking a chance at it. I did some poetry shit. It was kinda helpful. Fell out of it just as quick as I fell in. The most I've done in recent time was journal. I've journaled throughout my life, even though I tell myself I don't like to. But I don't know, I don't know what I like to do. I think thats why I'm here. I'm trying to figure it out. Maybe this will help. I like typing because sometimes I'm too lazy for a pen and paper. And something about having a secret tumblr blog feels so cunty. Enough rambling!!!! Damn!!!

Hey hey hey hey heyyyyyyy I am [redacted] and this is going to be a great story. As I stated, I don't know what the fuck I'm here for but atleast I have a story to tell. And when I say I don't know why I'm here, I know I don't feel that hopeless. Like hopeless in the way that I'm living for nothing. I really feel like I'm living for something. I just don't know what that something is but I really do want to find it.

Y'all, I'm gonna keep it so real and say why I'm typing this. Here's how my day went. I was sad as fuck going through a heartbreak that is gonna change my fucking life. Like I'm sitting here writing this like DAMN this shit hurt. Every time I think about it I feel this deep pit in my chest. Its deeeeeepppp. I'm trying to be real throughout the pain and keep it lighthearted to stop myself from feeling it but let me stop doing that. IM HURTING. Im in so much pain right now. This is the kind of pain that eats at you. That weighs on you. That makes your heart feel like it'll stop at any second. That gut-wrenching, soul-shattering feeling. But you'll hear why along the way. That's gonna be a huge part of the story that will probably be mentioned in each segment. It's a really important part. I made this account so I can feel safe somewhere.

I feel like God is with me, I just don't know how to reach God. I think I do. But I feel connected but lost at the same time. I can't really explain that feeling. Part of me wants to stop rushing the feeling of getting better. That's why I'm writing this I guess. Just trying to break things down and understand them better for myself.

Reality is starting to catch up to me. My life is starting to change in so many major ways. I know this to be inevitable, and I also know that I have a decision to make. I heard a pastor once say "you can be pitiful, or powerful". Anxiety be tearing up my fucking life. And I have a long of unfounded stress that makes me feel like shit is all over. It always lived with me. I'm trying to work through it. And stop believing that shit is pointless. Because at the same time I feel like I'm meant for so much out of this life. But now I'm 21. I'm getting ready to graduate. and so much shit is hitting the fan.

The least I can do is write about it.

[nanicakesxx]

Dear Diary

today was a good day. i ate shit i shouldnt have last night even tho my body told me not to, fell asleep on the couch, and woke up 6 minutes before class started. didnt do none of my routines type shit but when i came home i cleaned the house and took a bath and i ended up meditating edven though i didnt wan t to and it was great it helped me clear my mind and calm my anxiety and i wasw able to purify my energy which let me have a good rest of the day. i ended up meeting new people and went to the first meeting of a club i just joined. i met this girl who was a pinky girl just like me and she wsas so sweet. i sat with her and another girl that i know but never reallty talked to and we had a great lil talk actually. i was healing and it made me feel good because ive been craving new pretty friends with good energy good vibes. my club was filled with girls like that too so love that. i popped a yaddy and was locked in, i did hella work and im mad proud of myself and i also enjoyed it which surprised me. i even did extra credit bra. i want to stay ahead of the curve because this is gonna be m best semester yet even though it started off rough. the one thing that was eh was I got sad over him. started thinking about him alot and i was able to have a self check but i def had a few moments. but february is about me!!! loving me !!! i also am stating to accept the fact that i may be bisexual. im proud of being able to admit that because i never did. i think a big part is fear of what others might think, but id rather live a happy life above all, i just want to have a healthy love. I shouldnt have smoked w my roommates but i did , ended up talking to [ casually, i dont feel as angry towards her or the situation, which is amazing because i prayed for that. I want to spend more time living and less times being online. I also wanna spend mpre time understanding myself instead of tryna self improve all the time. I do wanna work on being kinder, more patient, take it easy, put myself first, and be less angry tho. Did my night routine im in my jammies boutta meditate and gts. I be so lazy tho. Today im proud of me for making new friends getting things done and sitting out w friends i wanna do more of that, and moving forward i wanna put my needs first more listen to myself and dont give into bad habits when I dont need to

the end love ya gn

xoxo love always nani