nebuulaa

[nebuulaa]

Today is a slow, chilled, not leaving the house kind of day. I'm going to do some chores, maybe finish my assignment, watch some more Cloudward,Ho! And then fingers crossed it's an early night ready to be back to work in the morning

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Long may Wealwell continue to be in this show Brennan is cracking me up

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The first episode of Cloudward Ho is absolutely fucking hilarious I'm fucking living for this steam punk aesthetic

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I've decided to rewatch 28 days later before the nee movie comes out and I forgot that not only does the movie start in my home county but also why it started in the first place. These mother fuckers become zombies immediately. The only thing stopping me from being freaked out is that this now looks so dated

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I've just got round to watching the new Netflix show about Astroworld. The fact that Travis Scott is one of the headliners at Reading and Leeds this year breaks my god damn heart. He shouldn't ever be allowed to headline a festival. Something like 80 000 people show up to the main stage and I don't think anyone should trust him to keep the crowds safe. I went to that festival in 2014 and there were some acts that stopped shows and made sure everyone was safe before continuing the day. Its not hard. Its the bare fucking minimum

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Everyone at work has been supportive as hell. Dinah and Chad have my back 100%. The poetry people were happy for me and immediately adapted. Everyone did, except Jack and Jos. I knew he was going to be hard, I knew he was going to be dismissive and immediately write off our last year of friendship because he refuses to use my name and pronouns. His mum has made it clear that if I am to set foot in her home she will not be changing how she addresses me.

Let me make something abundantly clear.

I will not tolerate my dead name or incorrect pronouns being used deliberately. If you slip up and correct yourself that is fine, my friends have known me one way a long time and they're going to autopilot sometimes, I appreciate that. But anyone refusing to acknowledge that I use they/them pronouns and go by Eden can absolutely and 100% fuck all the way off. I do not owe you pleasantries if you can't show me basic human decency. I won't stand for it. I do not care how long we have known one another, I will not hesitate to cut you completely from my life without a second thought. I've just blocked Jack from being able to contact me and I feel nothing. Once upon a time I would have tried to change myself to keep people around but I have a spine now. If you can't show me the bare minimum, there is no space for you in my life. I don't miss my 'friend' because evidently he wasn't much of one. I dont feel any guilt because why the fuck should I? I haven't done anything wrong.

I am finally at a point in my life where I feel safe and happy and it's like a weight has been lifted after so many years of not feeling like I could share who I truly am. I do not owe anyone anything. I do not owe you patience and forgiveness if you can't refer to me by a different name.

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A new name has been chosen. We've settled on Eden!!! I just need a middle name and then it's a case of starting the Deed Poll

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13.06.25

The absolute happiest of birthdays to my dysfunctional adopted big brother. You're the best guy I know, and I love you endlessly. Looking forward to celebrating with you ❤️

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I had absolutely nothing to worry about my god they're the fucking best

Addition- Sabrina also replied and it melted my heart

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Donna, Mikki, Lisa and Sarah already know I'm non binary but I just messaged Remi, Sabrina, Maggie, Hannah and Bryony to tell them and I am above and beyond terrified to hear from them

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Our oldest kid knows I'm non binary. She figured it out last night then immediately turned to my colleague and said 'you have to be nice, I know you're Romanian and this is new to you but just be nice.' She then proceeded to put on videos explaining what it meant to be gender non conforming to help her understand. I could have cried. T has been so quick to adapt and I'm endlessly proud of her

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Came out to Dinah and everything was fine she's currently on her way to pick up a book of baby names to help me choose a new one. She's so precious

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I don't know how to stop being angry. It's like all of my pain and sadness and frustration and confusion have just manifested into pure rage. I can't talk to my team, I have to try and pretend to be okay in front of the kids but I am losing my fucking mind. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a lifetime.

I'm going for lunch with Dinah tomorrow and i dont even think that will help. If I flip out at her everything is fucking over.

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My head is not screwed on straight. I worked so hard to hide it from the kids but they aren't stupid. I worked so hard to hide it from Micky and Donna. They're also not stupid. Everyone saw how off I was, Micky commented on it several times. She kept saying to Donna 'Em isn't right today, I dont know what it is but something just isn't quite right.' When Donna pulled me to one side I mumbled some bs about my mum and feeling lonely. It's not that I lied, it's just that I didn't tell her the one overarching, dark cloud of a thought that is the real crux of my behaviour.

I've battled with who I am for years. I came out as bi around thirteen years ago now but it never felt like enough. I thought maybe I'm gay but I know that's not it. The older I got the more I pushed the thoughts away, thoughts I've had since I was maybe eight or nine. Thoughts I didn't know how to articulate because I had no understanding of what they meant.

My sexuality was a hard one because my family didn't get it, and neither did a lot of my friends. I was struggling with my faith and this new found understanding of a piece of myself. It was something that took me YEARS to finally fully accept.

In my mid twenties the other thoughts resurfaced; the thoughts I'd never accepted. I'd finally settled down and built a home and I just wanted my life to be easy. God, I really wanted it to be easy. They would pop up once in a while and I'd swallow them down and plaster on my smile and go about my merry day.

Then, when I was twenty eight, my relationship ended and everything about my life changed completely. That was two years ago and i was handling so much upheaval already that I wasn't sure where to start fixing things. I removed the awful people that formed my inner circle. I found a new home, a new family, a new career and spent so much time trying desperately to heal.

That all brings us to now. I'm thirty years old and I have a place of my own again, a job that I adore and some very special friends. I've carved a little life out of the horrors that surrounded me for so long. I've started to deal with the beginnings of my trauma and I'm taking (baby) steps to figure out what I want and who I want to be.

I've realised there's something massive I still have to overcome and that's my gender identity. I've spent so many years burying it and refusing to acknowledge it that I dont yet know exactly who I am and I have so much work still to do, but for now I want to take the first steps.

Hi, I'm Em, I'm thirty years old and I'm non-binary.

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Spent most of my work day in the lounge watching the Final Destination films with our oldest and let me tell you, best day I've had in ages. I love that kid man she's awesome

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I need to leave for work in 15 minutes and I feel like crap. I'm still sat in bed not even close to being ready to go anywhere on time. The last thing I want to do today is my job I just want to bed rot again

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you're not quite an emergency, is the thing. you're just having a bad spell. so what if you can't ever really catch your breath. can't ever really feel at ease. a buzzing, terrible feeling.

but emergencies are loud, and passionate, and hit the floor. you are not a lion or a hurricane, you just live in a pretty okay apartment and your back hurts. you wake up and drag yourself out of bed and banish what if i was dead thoughts like cobwebs. you pick out your clothes and try to stay active. you apply for jobs on the internet.

the anxiety is a wave, and the depression is a spiral. the other stuff keeps things "colorful." you mitigate your symptoms and take your meds when you have them and you try to hang out with friends. you go home and your head is full of riverwater. no matter how much you sleep, you still stay tired. you journal and practice gratitude and build from the bottom upwards. and still, the haunting.

you're not a 911 call or a shriek. you're just staring up at the ceiling and feeling the house settle into your bones. you feel you are playacting as a wolf when you're only a sheep. not quite dry and not quite drowning.

over and over, you slog through the creek.