needypoetoverload

[needypoetoverload]

i am an angel, my skin is porcelain

i must wipe off any dust across my body

when i see an imperfection

i can barely handle myself

my claws, my teeth, my tools

i claw, i scrape, i whine

i need to get the imperfections off

[needypoetoverload]

i put on my prettiest dress

i carry a bouquet of weeds

only one bullet, a complete chan

if the world wants me gone i invite it

i go out and i walk to the farthest pond

if i do not return they will search

i will be beautiful when they find me

i will be beautiful at last

[needypoetoverload]

"1 dream, 132 days: a call for help" - By Me

this is actually not really a poem at all. more of a short story i guess, or just writings. definetely a vent though.

tw emetophobia, disordered eating, loss of a loved one, derealization, hospitalization + suicide/selfharm uhh maybe religious metaphors idk if thats a trigger

for some context "shh" or this (or both) means an unclear fact, ex. a location being hidden in a dream, there but very blurry ,, like radio static!

hello, i am writing this from somewhere you cannot reach. i don't remember my name, i don't remember my home outside of here. i am writing to you from a dream. if you know how to pull me out, please help. find help. save me.

i don't know exactly how i got here, i recall i must have fallen asleep in the middle of the night on a phone call, as the dream began my talk was interrupted by a new call, i quickly put the man i spoke to nightly on hold. "hello?" my voice trembled out, i wasn't scared at all. but my body was already shaking, like some sixth sense had alerted me that something was wrong. ... there was silence on the other end for about thirty seconds .. "he's dead. a rope. ambulances." my heart stopped beating, i argued that it was a lie. "shhhh's mom must be lying. why would he do that??" i ran outside and fell onto my trampoline, i grabbed at my chest and i ripped a piece of my own heart out. i watched as it fell it to the ground, it dug itself into the dirt, it searched for shhhh.. him

i woke up quickly. but it seemed i was still in the dream. as shhh.. was still gone, and the man on the phone laid in bed beside me.. he.. he was there. i swear he was, but now come to think of it i can't remember seeing him.. i can't remember his voice on the phone.. but he was there. he was- is. real. his hair is shhh and he has a ssssssshhhh.. voice, he does. he has a voice. and a face. he is real. he is real. and he is alive.. shhhh should also have been alive.. infact he should have been beside me and the strange .. real man.

within what felt like seconds, shhhhhhh had dissapeared. all i can remember is his scent, and i can't describe it well. it smelt alive. he is alive. that is important. being alive is important. but now he was gone too.. surely alive somewhere but he too had left me. from this point on came a endless circle of life, there are no evident details between the last 132 days other than my hospital trip, i'll revisit that.. and yes, i've been counting the days. my days have consisted of five stages, wake, sshhhh, vomit another scrap of my heart, and sleep. . .. though when i wake, i never wake from my dream. i can not eat here, the thought makes everything staticy, food does not touch my hands.. it phases through.. and anyways shhhh isn't here anymore. he's the only one who made me feel pretty, so maybe i don't need food anymore. it's not like he can care anymore, maybe he never did, i'll never know..

> a side note, the hospital trip. this cycle was different. too many steps. wake shhh cut. cut. stab. bleed. tear every scrap of my heart out, right out of my wrists. die. end up in a car. then find myself in a hospital bed. i spoke to multiple women.. doctors, nurses.. attendants.. dad? they let me go eventually. and the cycle proceeded as normal once again <

now, i've been getting this dream confused for reality alot. i find myself thinking things like that. that he really is dead and he never cared. but i know he'll be back once i wake up! i know this is a dream because shhhh shh shh would never. ever. do this to me. that boy rubbed his fingers over my scars, he lifted me into hugs, and one night he told me we would never die unless we died together. i swear he did. i cant remember his voice.. i cant remember .. i can't. but he said it. he said it in the real world. the real world. he said it and he meant it. that's why this is a dream.

it's just a dream because he would never lie to me. if he lied then he could have lied about everything. if he lied i am ugly, i am stupid, i am unlovable, and i deserve the worst. but.. he didn't. he couldn't. he wouldn't lie to me. please wake me up. please. show me he told me the truth. get me out. this reminds me, it seems i forgot to tell you the fifth part of my cycle: i pray. i've been looking through new gods in this dream to find someone to wake me up. maybe you will be my god. maybe you will save me. please save me. i feel utmost desperation to whomever reads this. you are my god now, and you have to wake me up. you have to fix this. please. i have to depend on you, reader, until i'm back to the real world. shdhdhhh's world.

[needypoetoverload]

little poem time

i crave a family that is not mine

i crave a house for the winter

i crave a warm hug

i crave a mug of something fresh

but not of mine, only yours

i crave to suckle off your joy

i want a family, just not my own

i want a family, i want to be yours

-- this one doesnt have a title its just about how ive been feeling recently. im jealous of family i dont want to be around because i wish i could have that with my bestfriend. he feels like family and it makes me upset that i cant be his sibling or some shit --

[needypoetoverload]

"the bluest heaven" -By Me

i want to fly you into the sky

i want to swim you through the stars

i want to dig you deep into the soils

i want to breath your air alone

i want you to see your perfection from my eyes

i want you to bleed my pain from my scars

i want you to hold yourself in my arms

i want you to know yourself as you know me

i want to swim with you in the deepest waters

so we can then drown in eachothers sorrow

and then, maybe at long last we close our eyes

may god allow me to nestle deep in your bones, down in the deep blue heavens

[needypoetoverload]

" My Babys Breath " -By Me

i've never felt closer to anyone than my babys breath

not in a romantic way, not in a platonic way

rather in some other worldly third sense that only he and i can describe

the only place i truly belong is with him, in his roots

he is the roof over my head, protecting me from any creature that travels near

i am the food on his plate, disgusting and rotten but all that can keep him alive

he is the water on my head when it rains, falling off my head and reminding my body that it is alive

we are one, he is part of my soul, we can not exist without the other

[needypoetoverload]

"The Door" - By Me

tw mentions of eating issues, implied grief/death . this is a long one folks.

I was searching for you today, I searched everywhere

I found lots of doors, but you were nowhere.

I found a door in my attic, I walked through

I enter a building, the smell is familair children flood into the halls, I hear a snicker.

A judgemental snicker, a child laughing at another for not knowing his favorite metal band.

Then the quiet understanding that they'd have to start listening, as they look around at all the musical posters on the walls.

It was starting to get uncomfortable here, so I turn to leave, tripping through the door as I look around, into a new building.

This was a coffee shop, the same little boy stood at the front desk getting a coke, he wasn't so little, maybe two years older.

He turned, and I could see him pull his phone out to take a selfie for the same child he spoke to about metal, "You'd love this place."

The discomfort was heavier now, my breathing quickened as I tried to watch more of the conversation but the door pulled me back through.

I fell into an audience, I sat by the boy, considerably older. He'd grown into his look, he was a pretty young man.

I let my eyes drift to where he stared, up at a stage watching the singers- No. One singer. The same person he spoke to about metal.

The singing was harsh and raspy, it turned into a loud ringing, banging, screaming.. suddenly it was all black and when I woke up I was somewhere new

The same boy, I watched from afar as the person sat in his lap. Their friends threw their bowling balls down an aisle as the others laughed and and scarfed down their food.

The boys hands brushed through their freshly cut hair, he insisted the shorter one eat some food, signaling to their own father as he assured the cost would be covered by him.

The pizza must have made them sick, as I watched them run to the restroom.

He quickly followed suit, their eyes met and he reached to hold them, to keep them up on their feet, to embrace them, I saw the distance close before everything was dark.

I woke up again.

I watched the two now, sat together at a concert, but slowly a girl tugged the short one away from the boy, their boy, the only one that had ever cared, i felt it. I felt the need. I felt the love, the adoration, the desperation.

I heard the remarks, I felt the guilt "Stalker" I watched as they reached out to hold him but was swiftly spun away, ripped away, and they let it happen.

It wasn't that big of a deal ofcourse. I knew the next time I opened a door or passed out I'd see them, older this time. In another place, another group, another time, this wouldn't be the last time.

I was too busy thinking that I didn't realize I was somewhere new. The shorter one now sat in the grass with a new boy. And well I guess now, they were the tall one.

Where had the beautiful boy gone I had been watching? The tall boy with a life-long love for that band.. what was that band.

And I heard it, the band. It played as the now taller half shook and trembled, stuttering and sniffling over a candle, surrounded by people. Strangers. Even the short boy was a stranger now. I could feel it. They didn't truly know anyone as much as they knew that boy, that man, that blessing.

Where had he gone? What could cause the tall child to pout and bite at their own skin like a puppy craving its owner, unsure of where it's gone?

Who were these strange people, and why did they cry over these candles?

Why was he gone? When will he be back? Who was he in the first place? How will I ever find him? Who am I. Who was I looking for, if not him?

[needypoetoverload]

"50/100" - By Me.

I've always been in the middle.

Of arguments.

Of relationships.

Of life

I've never fit in right.

And i'm still in the middle.

Not fully anything.

Not enough to be anywhere.

Too skinny to hate my body.

Yet too fat to be considered pretty.

And much too stupid to achieve anything.

Yet smart to complain about it.

Too unique to fit in.

Yet too normal to stand out.

And always too quiet to seem happy.

Yet loud enough to be annoying.

The only fullness i've reached is bad.

I'm 100% a bad person.

A bad child. A bad friend. A bad person.

100% ugly, 50% inside and 50% out.

[needypoetoverload]

> ───〃INTRODUCING. . . `JUNO` .ᐟ 💌

`BASICS` gender is complex.., no he/him ... Riddler + Kangel Kinnie

◜ likes: dogs, kemenomimi culture, books, jae-won roh, yandere media

⋮ dislikes: that one evil ginger twink

◟ hobbies: writing, reading, watching people i love.

◜ DNI / / proshippers , people i know irl unless we're close , booktok.. , bigots , nazis

[needypoetoverload]

"She (His Saviour)" - By Me.

Does he know what I feel inside?

My tender heart, a volatile tide.

Jealousy blooms like a wildflower,

In every glance, in every hour.

She takes him to church.

Through his mind I search.

As she takes him away from me.

They sit under the big oak trees, without me.

They play on the frozen lake, without me.

They rejoice and celebrate, without me.

He is fine, without me.

They are fine, without me.