needzoju

[needzoju]

im on my phoneeeee

i was using a laptop but I'm on my Android phone bc I can't use the laptop anymore 😞 the other day I almost bought an nct album and laxatives 😭😭😭 but it's funny cuz those were the only things I was gonna get but then I put both back and got hairspray bc I walked up hill to school and it was hot in the morning got hotter during the day and had to walk home ugggghhshajamsks can't be mad tho because I did 6k steps alone then went to the mall and prob did 2.5 miles but my phone was in the car but I got hairspray bc my hair messed up SOOOOO BADDDF EWW there were these 2 girls i was paired up with and I wanna be friends w them or follow them on insta but idc i feel like it would be weird this is sooo ugly. like I wanted to have a nice blog for myself but I share too much, run on sentence after run on sentence anddd idk my brother is in the hospital bc he has super duper low iron and is so skinny and pale ....I really hope he gets better so it's my turn. also a skinny girl says she ate five bowls of cereal everyone laughs i say that and suddenly I'm not even treated like I am real. I wish I was real or had a BMI of 16 ... maybe idk I wish to weigh 100 pounds but I'm scared of loose skin also intro coming 2029 😁😁😁😆😆😓

[needzoju]

tumblr diary entry 1 ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

i created a tumblr account for thinspo but still continue to eat/binge. i feel really bad for being the way i am and want to write it down somewhere. i decided to do it here. im gonna write an intro so that maybe in the future when i become a better version of myself i can look back and laugh and be proud of myself.

im currently 14 (9th grade) 5'7 and 112kg

i have depression and anxiety. not sure if i have an ed or insomnia or anything else but i do know theres something wrong with my brain chemistry.

ive been feeling very down lately and s**cidal also very guilty abt how much ive been eating. i would casually use laxatives if i saw the number go up on the scale or if i binged. ive tried throwing up but have only been successful once in the shower. ive realized that these past 4 years i havent gotten better mentally or physically and that really makes me feel ashamed to live. i really wish i could just become sayori.

i genuinely hate myself and even when i try to think positively i end up hating myself a little bit more. not sure what else to write because like therapy my mind is blank. is that normal ....i will have THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE EVERRRRYRRTTRTTTT then go to therapy and im just like "ehhh its been bad but idk...?!' like ...im not quite sure how to word it but i guess i just want to be ....idk i have orientation tomorrow and im so scared bc i think with an ed comes worsened anxiety. every where i go i dont want to eat and if i do when im done i just think "damn this is what people on my 600 pound life do- feel bad eating in public." i also just stare at peoples body and wish i looked as thin as them. and i fel like everyone can tell ive gained weight but cant tell that 50% i starve restrict and exercise a lot and the other 50% i overeat binge and only get 4k steps in. idkkk im gonna go to sleep bc i need to be there from 9am to 1pm but ive been waking up at 9 sorry for typing so much. also sent $9 from my grandmas cashapp to mine and she found out oopps sorry i just cant go to school without music. thats also the only time ive used her money for something and someone got her card info so she thought i was the one who did that too whatever ill just keep wanting to kms.

(to me this really isnt a intro ill try to do a proper one next time bc i feel like it)