nicknackpattyjack

[nicknackpattyjack]

I missed you sm Beau :o( we kept bringing you up

I hope you’re doing well!! Love you sooo much

(Wrote this in the bathroom at work……. Theres 120 people here tonight AND a private dining event… 🫩 boy its Tuesday. What the heck is everyone doing)

hate missing school, even if i’m sick as fuck. FOMO GONNA KILL ME

[nicknackpattyjack]

It hurts when the house is empty and silent, and it has been for a long time. The neighborhood is just as dead—kids don’t run on the playground, the hills are too steep for people to walk so often. Sometimes I think about putting on a pair of boots and walking through the valley, near the cattle, and tread several miles to maybe to get to the interstae, if I haven’t been shot dead for trespassing. What would I do when I got there though? Find my way to some other place, I guess.

It hurts when the house has people sighing and footsteps echoing though. Hardly a word is uttered in those moments, and to expect some kind of conversation is idiotic. Sometimes I think about getting in the car and going to the store or to work because at least someone has to engage with me, whether they like it or not. Whether they like me or not. Whether they want me or not.

It hurts to be in that house when someone is mad, and the walls are breathing, the foundation shakes. Any soft spoken word bargains the eruption of a monstrous mouth and a furrowed brow—I’d rather be hit again than face something so dreaded, simply for coming down the stairs.

It hurts when I have to go back to that house. The silence reverberates in my ears and everything is expected to go back to normal. To ignore everything you said, and have done, and never apologized for. Your honest, inconsiderate mouth rambling a whole lot of nothings, to an incompetent child. And you wonder why I’m closed off. As disinterested as you were when I need you the most.

Broken walls of privacy. Secrets stuffed deeper. Trust is not a common thing in this household, and nativity is punished, and I am the dumbest one of three. The act of confidence stretched to be a false veil, but at least it offered ne protection, before you cut it up, and now everything else beautiful rips it up too. How do I rely on someone else when I’ve never been able to in the first place, and when no one wants to rely on me much either.

Something about fiddling with a broken key fob. Desperately, I would like to go home, but unfortunately I don’t think that’s possible, and I fear I am rejected from everywhere as much as I am from my house. Stuck in a permanent state of silence, wrought to create a quiet, boring, stupid mind, which it has accomplished.

I dont know.. I just want to be somewhere lively and lovely, where I’m wanted and enjoyed, and held, and talked to. And talked to. Talked to. And stuff

[nicknackpattyjack]

I tell myself “Im not going to beg for it ☝️”

And then I beg for it, because otherwise it’ll never happen..

[nicknackpattyjack]

Still, like a stone, like a hill, like home

Still, what I find, is you were always on my mind

Could I feel happy for you

When I hear you talk with her like we used to?

Could I set everything free

When I watch you holding her the way you once held me?

Change, like the sky, like the leaves, like a butterfly

Death, like a door to a place we've never been before

Would you live forever and never die

While everything around passes?

Would you smile forever and never cry?

Girl unwrite that now.

[nicknackpattyjack]

Me when I remember

[nicknackpattyjack]

Who wanna hang out with me and jam? 😛

Hmu if you wanna haaaanngg oouuuttt, and jam !

[nicknackpattyjack]

Resisting the urge to be close. Resisting the desire to hold. Resisting the longing to be asked. Resisting the wish to be told. Resisting thinking about it, or else I’d start drowning in the urges and desire and longing and wishes..mAnd uggghhhh yk yk

[nicknackpattyjack]

EVERYTHING LASTS FOREVER AND THEN ITS ALL OVER EVERYTHING LASTS FOREVER AND THEN ITS OVER

[nicknackpattyjack]

Been sitting around thinking.. Coming to the terrifying realization about how dementia and Alzheimers is going to be on a huuuugggeee rise simply for the fact no one thinks anymore. There’s so much partial attention put into everything because of the way we have adapted to consume media after media from out phones and streaming services, that we have hardly the energy or even capability to put full attention into hard things—especially mentally challenging things, like fucking math. Most people use gps for everything, and so throw cognitive maps out the window—we aren’t even willing to remember landmarks anymore to get around. Instead, we just bf skinner that shit and listen to lefts and rights commanded to us. If we dont put in the effort to remember something like that, then who can say we can put effort into remembering stuff throughout the day? It’s not regular forgetfulness anymore, it’s actually brain rotting disattention? The adaption of doomscrolling, where you don’t even remember the last 40 videos you just watched, has made it to where you’re not going to remember the last 4 school assignments you did—if you even did them. If you weren’t bored out of your mind while doing them. Gotta relearn how to make fulfilling tasks hit those dopamine receptors again. If we can just do that, then maybe everybody, you are no exception, can sit outside and be content without having a single thought of wishing you were on your phone. Yes, we will always crave stimulus, but the restoration to technology activates the same part of the brain as drugs, and that is insane. I feel like the only reason I have started to escape this addiction is because Im at work all the time or Im at school where my phone is locked up, and I can finally preform rewarding tasks and think about beloved and daydream and put in the mental effort to actually try and do mentally challenging things, like what Einstein told everyone to do. I don’t want to forget everything so quickly, but we’re on the fast track of doing so. The phone begs you to take photos because even that app prioritizes your use and addiction by making slideshows of important events!! Majority of people put others birthdays in their calendars as to not forget, rather than just memorizing it like people had to do. Same with phone numbers. Can’t do simple math or quick long division or easy multiplication without the calculator. Can’t remember to check the clock so you set a timer instead. The simplest tasks are automized for convenience. We are so unwilling to do hard things. I am tired of people complaining about what is simple and bothersome and difficult, because Im tired of myself complaining about that stuff. Guhhh need challenging and uncomfortable things because Im sick of this and you know!!!! I dont know where Im going with this or what Im trying to say but Im just sick of thisssss uuugggghhhh

[nicknackpattyjack]

Sitting around with too much hope in my heart again 🫩 just put me down good fucking god

[nicknackpattyjack]

Only would’ve been a real good day if we talked or something

Hit it AND talked about mpreg at work?

Maybe this isnt all that bad..

[nicknackpattyjack]

Hit it AND talked about mpreg at work?

Maybe this isnt all that bad..

[nicknackpattyjack]

Heh anyone mind constantly telling me something thats true every now and then, or like all the time, and it’s something which is never gonna chaaannnggeee so theres finally something consistent and I dont have to lose my freagging mind all the time over everythang because everything is changing all the time everywhere and I cant keep up and nothing and nowhere feels safe 🫩

[nicknackpattyjack]

Think I might request next Saturday and Sunday off.. If anyone want me

[nicknackpattyjack]

Whoever wants to go to the Big Thief concert with me in November better start getting on my good side riiiiiggghhhhtttt nooooowwwww

[nicknackpattyjack]

Need to spoon a boy…

[nicknackpattyjack]

Ma questions so stupid and insecure so I dont ask them and then lwk end up staying stupid and insecure and even mooorrreee unassured