nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

If you see this... Can you spare some time to meet me?

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

I am sorry I do not hate you I do not hate anyone seriously...if you ever still come back here... i saw your tweet no idea what sorta mission you set out or if its even related but...i dont hate you...but if getting me to hate you was your mission well then just pretend i hate you...we never gonna see each other irl so it doesnt really matter. 

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

this is a souvenir for you

surprise...yes if you’re still reading right here...this is for you and it will be my last entry.

these few days, ive been pondering a lot of what you said to me on fb after i approached you foolishly for your stupid “opinion”...it seemed almost like you ‘know’ me...i remember i said here i felt happy that i no longer working...and you said i should be doing something i like...something like that...actually there’re a few other instances but no point i elaborate when we both know it now...and of course i know exactly how you know about this place here...actually a long long long long time ago i dont even remember when...i wanted to set out a bait to see if my instinct was right that you’re tailing my tweets...so i half-wittedly wrote this url but with a .com i remember it very clearly...and i thought well after all i was wrong there seemed to be no sign of anything but damn gurl you are brutal! there were times that i thought yea maybe it wasnt me thinking too much and i felt it deep in my guts but i guess i was too afraid to admit it.

anyways i just wanna let you know...from the moment i realise...i hate and disrespect you a lot really A LOT! not because you read my tweets or read my ‘diary’ here but because you did and still pretended that you didnt...and made me feel like stalking you was fucking screwed up and wrong when you did just the same...and you’re a faker pretender and manipulator...i think your ex-friend was right about you! you’re just trying hard to be a nice person on social media with nice quotes and all that trying to make yourself look like you care about many issues but really you dont you just care about how people see you...and most importantly i exaggerated that i said when you blocked me i was devastated....the thing is the last time i had a crush i got rejected and blocked on fb as well...but that was truly devastating for me i remember driving out late night that i almost got me killed and then worse came along...

just so you know you never got the privilege to break my heart you’re just too late to that party...but you definitely got the privilege from me to say the worst thing to someone...something i should never ever say to anyone especially girls who might have experienced it...maybe i still dont really hate you that why i gotta say this because i really really really hate myself that i liked you and so i hope you stop reading by now...and yea im fucking childish i got no big heart and i still have not learnt how to handle things maturely...and here it starts...

after much consideration i’ve decided hate isn’t the way

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i really hate myself for liking her and worse is i like her for reasons i dont even know her...and shes not even the nicest or prettiest.

to the point i really wanted to end myself today...it makes no sense...i hate myself that i like her i really do i really want to kill myself for it...i really do i mean it...i dont see myself living a good life as long as the thoughts of who she is still lingers in my head...she said she has someone stalking her she must be doing the right thing...no shes wrong im the one doing the wrong thing...she didnt do anything to deserve my fondness for her it was my fault...and i really really hate myself that i cant help myself for that and i dont hate her i dont...because i really really like her...and now i cant see myself moving forward in life because i realised ive lied to myself...

ive always pretended that i will go on living my life the best i could but truth is at the back of my head in the deep subconscious...theres me who hopes highly that one day she will be mine...and thats the biggest lie i told myself without even knowing what i thought or felt...and every time i face the truth i cant move forward and the thing theres no help for that its tough...but how i wish i could tell her that no...seeing a therapist isnt the solution if anything that shows up in the rulebook the more serious the problem is the less rules can contain a problem...thats why people created it in the first place to pretend its solved.

anyways,  i feel hurt and sad that she blocked me on everything and yet i still cant face the reality of it...but i can forgive ive already forgiven....which is weird why do i have to? i just want her now i want to talk to her now...i dont know god i feel like im going crazy 

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

i know it might never happen...but if she ever just if this time thats it im gonna try asking her if i can see her....i know ive never even dare to even think bout doing this but dont think i can wait....i know this is stupid im being stupid when the answers so clear....and making a promise to myself when the chances of me even attempting to do it is next to nothing...and i know im being a coward for only trying to take this step now when its literally impossible...but the truth is i dont even deserve to talk to her...what more

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I'm crazy I'm a psycho totally psycho mentally ill....and it's fucking clear right now that the only dream i have is to meet her...yep her name is b tacocat I'm not gonna write the full name what if someone google her name and my post or blog shows up lol never know better be safe I'm sweaty and smelly....was at the site this time furreal I was like doing farm work tho it's only like check the micro tips but damnn there're soooo manyyyyt plantsss and to bend down and pull out the microtip from the poly bag and omg it's soooohot too bye bye to my fair skin T_____T then came home had lunch went to mid valley againnnn took my cheque and the fucking tahnee looked at me like she's some witch plus her no makeup wrinkle face just makes it so on it!! Then walked around jusco aeon big looking for bedbug spray and like I think more than an hour then realise acehardware should have it and damn I was right sooooo ducking exhausted cleared my things out of the room and now Idk I hope the spray works or something....mr Anwar called me earlier today and he wants to see me tomorrow so I said I'll meet him up tomorrow in klcc so yeaa hopefully yea he will need my help and then can some money for the XTRA help I did for him....I hope things work out well for me like everything including the website almost there but damnnn I'm tired!!! And I feel idk I really don't know why but I seriously wish to meet her soon....god pls grant me my wish I'm not even hoping to have anything more than just see her that's all I want

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I cannotttt believe she blocked me on fb againnnn or was I just tryna lie to myself cause I thought she's gonna make sure I read her message then block me again but part of me was optimistic but I guess being all bright isn't the right thing to do after all.....I FEELLL SOOO DEVASTATED!!!! I came home from Shalinn place around 1:30 then check then was like nothing there and I was like wtfff I thought fb doesn't allow users to block someone twice in a week!!!! Tho I knew someday this has to stop so maybe now is the time like for real....I just rmb today that I sent her message on fb after knowing she stalked my twitter and blocked me and saw what I tweeted damnnnn it's soooooooo damnnnnnn awkward if I'd have rmb that I mean I wouldn't even send her any message on fb!!!! As usual I'm never on time but maybe this time cause something happened that's why I couldn't finish up the site on time but basically after like idk 2 days been trying to figure out how to jqeury to highlight empty form box and damnnn finally found some code from idk what site tweaked it and it worked I was like damnitttt I almosttttt gave up but damnnnn I was like nope I'm gonna find it as usual stubborn af! But deep in me there's still this weird feelings of intrigue or what idk that makes me realllluyyyy wanna just see her for once butttt idk maybe not in this life I guess and I just gotta deal with it no more thinking bout this girl please it's never gonna happen !

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Wtf she posted a status "is looking for love in all the wrong places" :O and said that she writes poetry sometimes hmmmmmm....but reallyyyyy she doesn't seem like someone who writes poems but maybe someone ppl write poems about.....actually I'm pretty sure her so called engagement is fake but then again like who knows righttttt it could be real....and maybe the status means it got broke off or something....I mean like if what she tweeted was real then um yea so obvious....she gotta be realistic man no one can just get engage just like that so easily ppl who're really in love always think that their marriage is gonna last forever and forever isn't something can be considered to say yes to so damn easily! But then again of course who knows if they're really in love but then again seems very unlikely too lol....then recently she posted a selfie on instagram it was so like idk is she like okay?????????? Damnit i KENNOT believe I'm pouring out thoughts about her.....I think if she knows she might kill me.....but then again I don't think it's a bad idea to get killed also lol like really literally getting killed like furreal!!!! Like cannot breathe and no heartbeat that dead lol I feel anxious actually this was what I wanted to write but then I went and stalk her haizzzz I wonder what the future really holds for me....I feel so sad so purposeless because thinking about doing the things I wanna do even if I can do but how the hell do I even convince ppl for that sighhhhhhhhhhh I feel like this life seriously it's not worth living....what the hell am I living for?????????????

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i watched a movie today at the cinema lol...just because i wanted to eat popcorn...and i realise ppl really only go to the cinema for 2 reasons...1 to date or 2 as hang out activity with friends but i think mostly still number 1 to date....and i of course fall in the non-existent category which is just to have an excuse to eat popcorn....watched king arthur simply because the name and poster look like it can be a blockbuster...but the thing was i actually googled it at the counter before buying the tix....funny how my internet was workign so fast suddenly and all the searches showed it was a flopped basically the reviews were bad...and yet a min looking at it i went straight to buy it....tryna to convince myself it cant be that bad right....well it was horrible not to mentioned they made us watched ads for fucking 20mins!!! yea definitely dont rmb when was the last time i went to a cinema got tortured like this....and the movie thought it was gonna at least be exciting but damn its farrrrrr from it....but at least therere a few funny lines here and there....but then the visual effects were good like realluy good but the storyline mygadddd!

i went at first to submit the resignation letter and thought i could get my cheque today but nope....they said friday so yea wtf....and angie realised i didnt write the date of the letter...and so guess what yea i printed it and nope i aint gonna put the date....just to screw them up if theres anything wrong with it...gonna ask someone to bring the cheque to me outside and i will pass the letter and just leave like that!! and ive started writing bout the article i wanna share on wob...but now im gonna focus on just 2 angle 1st mostly on how the company hire and exploit staffs as probationer and keeping us as probationers without valid reasons and depriving us of the commissions we worked for and never gave us a official written assessment report....im not sure if companies actually do that but logically speaking shouldnt that be only fair for us???? because what if after month and months later new invalid hearsay surface about our work performance??? from the way i see it this is so fucking wrong....i rmb even when working at toywatch they hired as part timer knowing id stay only for 3 months but i did less than that yet i got SOOO much of commission well good thing they were a hit back then. and now i wonder why sunni being their best sales person would just leave the company and shes close with tahnee prolly she knew the company was having some troubles who knows....and i wonder what if someone gets bully at workplace how can they do with it??? because company always backup their own staffs....like shirley she said just because she always argue with angie ok i understand shes a senior admin staff but still makes no sense one is in sales another in admin you cant just simply deny ppl liek that!!!! and i think the lesson here can also be working in a small company may not be good....too much political can get into the way and they can easily gang up and not go through things with the right protocol...im sooooo tired with this but i gotta hold up till i get my cheque and share the story no way i can just let it go so easily what if other ppl face the same problem again because theres no fucking maximum probation length i still cant fucking believe this!!! 

i feel so sick just thinking bout this entire thing....good news is i called mr anwar today told him i no longer working there...and told him next time i could help him with things like how i helped him...and he said i can call him when im around bukit bintang and we can discuss...sooo now im like hmmm when should i actually go and see him??? if i do it this week surely liek damn pushy maybe next week because im afraid if i drag it long we might forget bout it...haizzzz my head cannot think properly....and im not done with the site!! 

last night i got a message from her on fb so she unblock me lol...and said she blocked me cause im bitter after she gave me some advice...but seriously im just toooo tired to even tryna explain myself...because shes obviously kinda wrong about me....i do hear ppl out if theyre undertsanding and have the willignness to hear ppl out first...like shahbell and angie i know theyre....but omg i cant believe shes the type who makes assumptions out of ppl....she doesnt even know someone well enough to say all that....i mean i know i stalked her and all that and it gave her a very bad impression of who i am...but still haizzzzz seriously next time shalinn youre required to think fasterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

Great now she also blocked me on fb already I'm such an smartass.....but now I realised after asking shirley actually they NEVER wanted to confirm anymore staffs they're just giving excuses to keep us on probation like wtffffff I finally see it....I wanted to tell her how a company can actually take advantage of staffs like us to help them do work but it's too late when I wanted to send the message she's already blocked me....damn now I can't even stalk her on fb anymore tho I know I shoudnt be still.... But thank god I have the support of Shalinn they all....she asked me to share my experience on wob or the likes of such platforms....I mean damnnnnnnn I should've thought of this....no need to ask her.....so fucked up and I couldn't find the proper words so I said I wanted to 'humiliate' them but really I meant I wanted ppl the public to at least hear the truths from my side because for sure the company is not gonna side an employee whose not really their employee and side theirs no matter what....damnit now they even removed me from the group chat and I have no idea if they will even pay for the days I worked!!!!!! I cannot believe I was sooooooooooooooooooooo dumb to approach her on matters like this stupidest thing ever now great she blocked me!!!! Everything is so fucked up can I just disappear from the surface of earth now :((((((

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kinda sad but also kinda scared of her and just wanna run away from this reality of my stupity

but i think i learnt that if youre fierce then ppl will just stop bothering you.....and so tomorrow i gonna fucking fucked them up!!!! ITS PAY BACK TIME!!!! im gonna make you cry your pants....and feel like a piece of worthless shit!! and i cannot believ that anwar still not back yet like seriously??? he wants to just lose that 100k is it??? no matter what im not gonna give up on him theres many things that should let go but this NEVER!!!! 

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getting anything from her is seriously the biggest nightmare ever!!! stupid fb!!!!!! piece ofshitttttt learn to desing ur stupid interface better!!!!

i fuckng hate myselg now....but im not too bother with it anymore for noow...

cause tomorrow i gonna fucking shoot these ppl im gonna call them liar and greedy for now.....!!! 

I cannot fucking beelieve i press on it  boboy was just asking me to create an email template for fb policy....i wonder if he can make a policy where nobody or only i cannot connect with anyone on fb....is there something like this??? 

damnnnn really if i can either kill myself and reborn into a new life or idk man this life is so screwed up!!!!! 

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

glad that at least theres someone who supports me and not say that im being rude or overreacting

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

this motherfucker son of a bitch who the fuck are you to think you can fire me??!!! im gonna let everyone knows just how incompetent and entitled and fucking biased to a black bitch widow who only knows how to show her crocodile tears and be fucking demanding bitch!!! im gonna screw them up....you asked me out i will fucking make it difficult to lift your head up!! so fucking unprofessional!! to be siding thsi black old widow....such faker!! 

tbh im kinda happy that i feel like finally this is the time i get out of the shit place....but then also theres another part of me....that wants to fight this battle and make it go down bad....im gonna fucking humiliate the stupidass boss for hiring a bachelor degree holder in architecture whos so fucking entitled and thinks hes so BIG just cause you drive a bmw x and prolly has your own apartment in bangsar yea sure....but you also fucking dumb spent so many dead hours autocadding and ended up doing excel printing price tags yea right your parentts must be damn proud of you....not to forget tryna fool everyone youre straight????? HAHAHHHAA fucking jokessss.....youre the most gay person in the entire company even more gayyyy compared to all the other gays....like seriously if they dont tell i wouldnt even know theyre but you pls look in the mirror first my gosh.....the way you walk butt cheeks goin up and down...the way your fucking hands move....the worst the way you talk and share a starbucks drink with your guy ‘friend’ like pleaseeee you think ppl all dumb is it????? but im gonna be professional....if tahnee calls me in tomorrow im gonna shoot him down with the way he deals with matters with this black old widow like hes so fucking bias....and how he disappears to the gym during working hours...lets see how professional you can be mr straight dude! cant believe ppl can be such fucking despo with sales.

its funny how ppl think im all quiet and think they can just step over me if theyre just louder or be demanding....but hey you can never judge a book by its cover...i know reasons and if youre being unreasonable...and tryna climb up the political ladder tryna be all boss to me hahh funny...you black bitch you bark like a dog but you cant bite like a chameleon...it is now my mission to bring you down to make you feel like youre even dumber and damn try to talk stories im gonna mess with your life....im gonna treat like this is a game....well i guess finally my lifes getting interesting and spicy and juicy and dont make me wanna see some vivid crimson flowing over ur body....today i pray to god that you dont try to up your game cause trust me you will lose the game terribly.....but then again my prayers to god never come true hah! man i need to start planning...

damnit i googled and chameleon bites are not toxic nor poisonous BUT good news its at least painful HAHAH

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

My iPhone5 is in critical condition.....I NEED AN IPHONE RED!!! ASAP!!! :((( how I wish I'd have extra rm2500 now

[nonononononyesyesyesyes-blog]

I think I should really disappear from twitter cause it's so clear that sometimes she reads it...and the thing is she only posts about her stupid fake engagement on twitter tryna be convincing when she keep saying engaged af...gurl that's where you slipped...I'm not sure maybe she's afraid that one day I will really come and kidnap her...but if I could I would kidnap someone with high value man....and get lots of ransom money....if I ever have the guts to even do it lol....last night she posted a pic with her friend showing her stupid fake ass ring....on twitter only of course....first of all its so clear that she's wasn't in the right mood covered her face under a cap...zoomed in can see she's isn't really smiling...I mean like based on the pic her friend looks more like engaged than her lololol....and she even hashtag her ring is harry winston I mean like come on....seriously does she need to really go to this extend to lie....but I also feel sorry for her that because of me she has to lie....now I just need to finish up the site find a web host something...delete the acc get a new one till then nothing happens that's why fucking get it done already!!!!!!! Damnit like seriously this prison break is killing me!!!! It's soooo fucking addicting!!!! I wonder if iflix is gonna release season 5 leh....please do!!! I don't even have the mood the watch riverdale finale :(((

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Actually some time ago quite long I saw this guy he wished her happy birthday on twitter on the 12th of may...so I'm sure her birthday has gotta be somewhere around that date but I can't be so sure if it's 12th....and now it's already past 12am at night so it's 13th today...I don't know why but um I don't know I actually hoped that I could have a chance to greet her happy birthday...and I also wonder how old is she now...if I'm not mistaken she should be one year older than me...so it's 24! Actually I um don't expect the dream to come true anymore it's a foolish one ofc...and unrealistic unreal....tho I've been keeping myself busy with series and building the site for now....and tryna come up with things after....well tho it's really dumb shit cause I still think about this person like what she's doing...even while I was busy all day long...I find myself so hopeless I think I need some medication!! Anyways I know it's really impossible for me to get to see her...but now I'm anxious about mr Anwar like when the hell hes coming to pay the rest...and he told me not to worry bout how he will repay me...damnit from the moment I asked him I was even wayyy more assured that this is a man I gotta keep....this is fucking real deal! He's a business man and a good one like a loyal one...I gained his trust and I have to stay close to him....god you gotta give him to me...he's my only window of opportunity for moreeee opportunities!!! I feel soooo bloody lucky to have met this guy so god please I hope all the plans I'd like to deal with him can come through....I got nothing nothing....so please at least give me this just please....all that stupid dreams like I don't it I take those words back....if the devil wanna take something away from me let that be the dream of love....and please add into my life the rest of things I want...because at least I know the pathways to get it....I may have much confidence but now I got that much of confidence and faith in me to get things done...I'm ready for even illegal deals...I just want something solid to look forward to in life