This is a place I post those things I want to share, but they're also the things I don't want the people I care about to see from me. It's like a secret diary, but with more angst and shame, if that's possible. Really it's just a bunch of nonsense, this is the place I put it.
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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A concept has cemented itself in my mind recently.
"What are you carrying"
You have a cup of coffee, your friend bumps you and you spill the coffee.
Why did you spill the coffee? First answer that comes to mind is that your friend bumped you. But that isn't it. You spilled the coffee because that is what is in your cup. It's what you're carrying. If it had been water, you would have spilled water. Beer, tea, pebbles, whatever.
Life is going to bump you. You are going to spill what you are carrying. Will you be carrying resentment, anger, fear? Compassion, understanding, kindness?
When this concept was presented to me it was attributed as a Buddhist teaching. I don't doubt it, but I didn't follow up either.
But it's a good reminder to be mindful of what it is you're holding onto. Because you are going to spill it.
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The distance between us doesn't exist in the hundreds of miles I traveled when I moved away. It exists in the years of silence I placed so carefully at our feet so as not to disturb any peace either of us could find in our absence from each other's lives.
I hope you find happiness in your life so that as I continue to fade away you won't notice when I'm gone. I wish such stability to your life that years go by before you hear of my passing.
-a letter to any and all of my friends
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April 10th, 2023
Over the years my memory is getting worse and worse. I'm 31 today and my life feels like a blur when I try to recall it. I work nights, so I get poor sleep. I'm fairly certain I have GERTS(?) and that also contributes to poor sleep. I work 7 10 hour night shifts in a row and sometimes can't sleep during the day because of severe acid reflux.
I hope these are the only factors that are causing me to have a bad memory. But I don't think I'm that lucky.
This Birthday was depressing. I feel like most of them are these years, but that's probably poor object permanence.
I want to start journaling in an attempt to remember my life. To do that I have to talk about my days as they happen.
My family all sent me birthday texts. My parents are going to visit this weekend and take me and my partner Mars to the Aquarium. We just got legally married on April Fool's and I haven't told them yet.
I got a birthday text from Marty and Krystin too. Krystin also asked for my address, I assume to send a gift. Why she still thinks of me after all these years...? I think it's love, friendship, y'know the good things in life that you should cultivate.
Carol sent a birthday message too, heavy on the appreciation of having me in her family. Sentiments that I believe are genuine but also dripping with manipulation. Both can be true, a paradox in a world filled with nuances and paradoxes; making the paradoxes commonplace. Almost as if because of their commoness they should no longer be considered paradoxes.
I'm going to work now. Like my many journaling attempts I expect this one to not get much traction, but I hope I'm wrong and I keep up with it. I also hope Tumblr exists long enough for me to read these at a later date.
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