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zaxal replied to your post: zaxal replied to your post: ...

SO DO YOU, DEAR ONE. never forget that. btw followed your new blog :p

<3 <3 <3

i saw that, thank you, now you get the regular dosage of my bullshit again :P

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zaxal replied to your post: zaxal replied to your post: So...

ah, that’s fair. i’m doing ok. <3 getting better all the time

that makes me so so so happy, i’m so glad you’re getting better. you deserve the world. <3

and i didn’t forget, but i’m glad you do. ;P

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zaxal replied to your post: So as you might be able to tell I’m not on this...

glad to hear you’re still doing well my lad

well, i wouldn’t say ‘well’ but i’m still alive, kicking, and managed to twist life’s arm to get it to give me something good for once lol

i love you and hope you’re doing okay buddy

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So as you might be able to tell I’m not on this blog anymore 

Lots of stalkers at work, blah blah blah, that’s all over and done now so I could technically come back here

I probably won’t though

But if you wanna stay in contact I’m over at @prisons-of-our-own-creation so

Also I’m on T now so that’s a cool thing

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TW for brief, non-graphic suicide implications

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I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in a while now.

It's not normal to wake up and the first coherent thought in your head is "I don't want to get out of bed, I cannot handle another day, I wish I were dead". That is not normal. I know that's not normal. And yet the idea that people in the world can wake up actually happy and excited for their day is remarkably impossible to me.

I have no real reason to say this. It's not going to end with some resolution or a list of solutions because I'm not sure what solutions there are that I haven't tried.

But for a guy who constantly preaches to people to speak out about their problems and seek help, I am one hell of a hypocrite.

I'm not in danger at this moment. I'm trying to get better.

Wentworth Miller said this at a mental health conference:

"When I risk showing up as unlovable, that is how I show love. When I risk showing up as broken, that is how I’m made whole."

It's worth thinking about. Being vulnerable is something he is adamant toward. He thinks to be open and vulnerable about one's own suffering will in the end be a valuable change to life and the world. I can't say I disagree.

So I'm trying to get better. With this, with everything. And with that hypocrisy of not saying anything while urging others to do the same.

I'm not okay. I haven't been okay in a while now.

That's okay.

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So I haven’t been around on this blog for a while. You have my apologies for that. But things have been... rough. To say the least.

I know I posted about my suicide attempt in November. I got a bit better after that for a while. And then sometime around my Houston trip in January, I downspiraled again. I haven’t attempted anything again, not yet. But I’ve wanted to. To the point where I’ve nearly walked into traffic, nearly ODed again, nearly done a lot of things that might end things permanently.

I’ve downspiraled into the self harm again. When my mum confiscated/hid all sharp objects, I started scratching. I’ve managed to scratch at my skin enough that not only have coworkers noticed and asked about it, but I look somewhat like I have chicken pox. Small circular scabbed-over marks.

I don’t know what to do. Therapy isn’t working. Meds didn’t work. Nothing is working. I’m not sure anything is going to work. I’m not even sure what’s wrong. 

I’m not much of a friend these days. I know that.

I rarely talk to anyone. The few I do talk to have to hear me being negative and ranting more than we have normal conversations. People I know in person get snapped at, cursed at, or outright ignored.

I’m not around. I’m a mess of negativity when I am. Hell, look at this blog. I’m only around to be negative anymore. 

I don’t feel human anymore. Between my being trans and struggling with that - with the transphobic attacks, with the laws being set against me, with the fact that I may never find a significant other - in addition to struggling with just... this mental sickness that makes it so that I spend almost all my time wishing I was dead or just stuck in existential fear of the future and self-hatred...

This isn’t a life I want to live, but nothing is getting me out of it, and I don’t know what to do.

What I just wanted to say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m never around, I’m sorry I’m so negative and dark, I’m sorry that I lash out. This isn’t the person anyone signed up to be friends with and this isn’t the person I ever wanted to be.

If you don’t hear from me again, I’m sorry for that too. But like I said. This isn’t a life I want to live. And I’m trying my best, I promise. But I don’t want to anymore. I really, really don’t. And I’m sorry. That’s about all I can say. That and thank you for sticking around as long as you have. None of you have to.

And yet.

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Scruffy, Coma, Pain, and Norton.

tag urself 

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unspoken fears

Aries: "I'm so rough and crazy, will anybody ever handle me and still love me?"

Taurus: "I have everything I want but I can't find why I still feel empty."

Gemini: "I'm going through so many thoughts to find the right one and I'm scared of getting tired of trying."

Cancer: "My emotions go up and down and all over the place and I'm scared of drowning in them."

Leo: "If people don't tell me I'm worth it, am I still worth it?"

Virgo: "There are so many details and reasons why I don't deserve praise even though I work so hard for it."

Libra: "I wonder if the love I find on the outside will calm the inner storm on the inside."

Scorpio: "Just because I am in tune with the darkness doesn't mean people will come in and stay in the darkness with me... and that scares me."

Sagittarius: "I know that I can run from my problems during the day, but I can't hide from them at night."

Capricorn: "I fear that my work, sweat, and tears are never going to be enough."

Aquarius: "I can get people to work happily together, yet I still feel like an outsider."

Pisces: "The world is beautiful and cruel, and I'm scared of what I'll exactly pay when I choose to put on the rose-colored lenses."

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Yeah... I'm sorta excited but also upset at their timing. Check my last post...

Timothy Omundson has landed a guest-starring role on Lucifer, EW has learned exclusively.

The Psych and Galavant alum will play God Johnson, a patient in a psychiatric hospital, who is charming, enigmatic, and oh yeah, he thinks he’s the one and only God Almighty.

But, as Lucifer (Tom Ellis) tries to prove him a phony, he comes to find that “God Johnson” seems to know things that only Lucifer’s true Father would know. Could he really be the Big Guy Upstairs?

We’ll find out when Omundson appears in one episode slated for spring.

After two more original episodes, the Fox drama will go on hiatus until May 1. Lucifer airs Mondays at 9 p.m. ET on Fox.

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tim had to cancel his presence at houscon.

he was the reason i was going and the reason i spent $1000 on the trip instead of my transition and now he won’t be there

i dont wanna go now, i dont, but i spent the money and it’s nonrefundable so. i’m going. gonna get my buddy an autograph, maybe get a tattoo.

but it’s funny how a thing i’ve been counting down to for a year is suddenly a source of dread and tears

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i want a bf //: send me bf applications

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i’m the teacher people think is selling crack to the kids during lunch.

is your look an english teacher, theatre teacher, or art teacher look

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a story of my hospital visit a few months ago - triggers within

It’s occurred to me that I never did give the full story of why I ended up in hospital a while back. So I’m going to go into that now and here. It was a suicide attempt so TRIGGER WARNING for this entire thing. I’d put it under a cut, but Tumblr isn’t letting me, so.

Considering I was having a mental breakdown, I can’t remember what sent me off the deep end. Something did. Probably someone at work, or PTSD flashbacks. I don’t remember.

The fact I was in a psychotic break and don’t remember is probably why I didn’t even try to post goodbye notes this time. I just went into the bathroom and grabbed a bunch of painkillers and whatever else I could find and just downed a tonne of them.

I ended up back in my room. I must have passed out standing up because I knocked a tonne of stuff off my bookshelf, which woke my brother up. He found me, woke up our parents, and then called 911.

I woke up the next day in the hospital. Everything was a bit of a blur then. I know I had my stomach pumped, and that my brother posted about what had happened on Facebook: my laptop was open on my desk when I attempted what I did, so he found it pretty easily.

I came back home after the hospital said I was well. They wanted me to go to psych ward for a while, but I refused. Apparently, it’s allowed to do that. They couldn’t force me to stay, anyhow.

It was a few days before I had the energy to go back to interacting with people again, though I did let them know I was okay. I scared a lot of people, and I felt fucking terrible about it. 

Which is one of the reasons I didn’t stop feeling suicidal. I didn’t try anything again, but I definitely wasn’t feeling like I deserved to live, nor was I feeling like I wanted to.

It’s been an uphill struggle since then. Life doesn’t seem to want to give me a break, or any sign of being worth living, and my mind is trapped in an endless loop of grief from the past, frustration of the present, and terror of the future.

I’ve lost so many friends; ones who were once so close to me that it feels strange knowing that they either have no idea what happened or just don’t care. I think that’s what hurts the most.

I don’t see life getting any better. Not now, not ever. I still spend most nights entertaining thoughts of death. My mum still wants to send me away to a psychiatric hospital. The hospital bills haven’t all been paid off.

Do I want to be alive right now? Mostly, no. 

Am I gonna do something foolish again? I honestly have no idea.

What matters though is that I am alive right now, and I’m trying. It’s exhausting, and ripping every shred of energy from my body.

But I’m trying. And I’m sorry that’s all I can offer.

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I was tagged by the amazing @montanabohemian.

nickname: Too many. Gabriel, Rory, Cain, Angel...

star sign:  Leo

height: We don’t speak of this. Ever.

time right now:  12:40 AM PST.

favourite music artist(s): Too many. Celtic Thunder, Set It Off, Owl City, Alexi Murdoch, John Barrowman, soundtracks, Skillet, Nickelback, Boyinaband...

song stuck in your head: I’ll Cover You from RENT.

last movie watched: The Gravedancers, with Dominic Purcell.

last TV show watched: Either Legends of Tomorrow or Doctor Who, I can’t remember.

what are you wearing right now: UK flag boardshorts, a Doctor Strange t-shirt, and my Always Keep Fighting hoodie.

when did you create your blog: Early 2016, to escape Lassiet haters who were sending me death threats on my last blog, lol.

what kind of stuff do you post: Mostly fandom stuff, though lately it’s me just being a whiny bastard.

do you have any other blogs:  45 roleplay blogs, 10 personal blogs, and 4 fanblogs.

do you get asks regularly: Nope.

why did you chose your URL:  It’s a line from a Frank Turner song called “Richard Divine” that I relate to a lot.

hogwarts house: Equal parts Slytherin and Hufflepuff.

pokemon team: I hate pokemon. Or rather, the hype about it, lol.

favourite colour: Green and gold.

average hours of sleep: 3.  

lucky number: 1969. Timothy Omundson’s birth year.

favourite characters: Do you want to be here all night.

how many blankets do you sleep with: Three.

dream job: Actor and filmmaker.

following: I’m following 467 blogs. 135 are following me.

Tagging a few people I’d like to get to know better or give a chance to share.

@asexualsteverogers, @zaxal, @shawnhenryspencer, @bouncingbones, @grigiocuore, @muiromem. I fucking love and miss you nerds, jesus christ. Do this or don’t, either way. 

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teenager uses memes to cope with his mental illness & concerns everyone around him (vine by ian alexander )

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parallels between the original 5/new 5 most of these are just vague theories at this point and im gna develop this later

obviously, homer/french- sports, strong connection shown thru the reflection scene (maybe french’s usage of coke makes him more susceptible to like.. casual interdimensional travel idk!!) rachel/buck singing, the thing w/ the red backpack, rachel says that “there was a lot of hate in that town” gay subtext? (i wish) and buck is misgendered on a daily basis steve/scott- scott rats out OA to hap, steve kinda rats out OA to his parents. theyre both just stonie dudes who get a redemption arc jesse/rennata- jesses mom commited suicide and i guess is stuck alone w his sister and rennata feels trapped on the island

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can we talk about how the name homer literally means ‘hostage’ i thought they picked the name bc of the iliad, but no brit & zal are even better than i thought