notconclusions-blog

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember my favorite bagel (until I was a teenager) was a blueberry bagel. 

I remember looking at strangers and trying to identify what kind of animal they resembled the most. 

I remember we sat in pairs on the ride to and from science camp. My group of friends was very strategic. We all paired up and took over the back of the bus. Sean was my pair coming home. I had the biggest crush on him. When we passed through San Francisco, he marveled at the weather--saying he had never passed through the city on a sunny day.

I remember Christine wore sperrys. Jessica did too. 

I remember Helen and I getting drunk off a bottle of white wine (Sutter House) and reading Rapture, Blister, Burn out loud. 

I remember blowing up colorful balloons to fill Michelle’s office with as a prank. 

I remember Toni and Mike’s longhaired Chihuahua, Chico. 

I remember going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies to my neighbors. 

I remember Demi and I seeing the fourth Harry Potter movie in theaters and then spending the night at a boutique hotel in Los Gatos because my mom felt like treating us. It was a lovely evening. 

I remember reading everyone’s resume, curious to see what plays people were getting cast in and what’s being produced where. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember thinking Wes’ polo was a little too tight. 

I remember Marina coming out of her bathroom completely naked. 

I remember ice cream socials my elementary school used to hold at Greystone park. 

I remember Dylan’s hair curled up at his collar. 

I remember splitting a donut with Theo. 

I remember an early morning meeting when I worked at the yogurt shop. Jeffrey was drilling us on customer service practices. He reminded me much more of a stern dad or coach than a boss. 

I remember Gigi gave me a ride home one night from Taming of the Shrew. It was a long drive. I’m not even sure where we came from. 

I remember Em telling me that Trevor called him saying he wanted to kill himself. At thirteen years old, Emmett talked him off the edge. 

I remember a navy blue blazer my mom bought at Nordstrom as part of my costume for High School Musical. I loved it so much that I wore it long after the show had closed. 

I remember Aunt Holly babysitting El and I. I loved it because it meant we got to eat junk food--usually KFC. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember Mom saying there were ticks in the pine trees. 

I remember listening to A Chorus Line soundtrack on repeat. 

I remember sitting cross-legged in Demi’s singing class at UCLA and nearly crying while watching her perform. She’s grown so much. 

I remember blisters whenever I wore converse on hot days without socks. 

I remember binging Making a Murderer. Maybe halfway through Victoria joined me. She got hooked and made me promise to wait for her before finishing. I did wait...grudgingly. 

I remember Out of the Box. 

I remember Elliot asking me to hide his jacket for him because it reeked of weed. 

I remember signing Emmett’s cast. 

I remember peppermint bark Mom would buy from Williams Sonoma during the holidays. 

I remember massaging Andre’s kale in the kitchen right after he told me he only wanted to date me casually. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember when the hot style for boys was the faux hawk. 

I remember the pink ladder at Magpie. 

I remember Matt was at my table in Spanish. 

I remember Charlotte said she saw her father’s penis when she was little. 

I remember always getting a carton of Oregon chai from the grocery store. 

I remember Tori’s sister, Rachel, would sing sometimes. It made me wonder if maybe Rachel was jealous of Tori’s success as a musician. Maybe she wanted that life for herself too but was too nervous of failure. Anyway. She had an okay voice. Pleasant but too pop-y for my taste. 

I remember my throat hurt at the Lucius concert I went to with Heather in the summer. The sangria was iced, so that helped, but afterwards it all hit me: I was getting sick. 

I remember Dipika’s fun fact on the first day of rehearsal was that she is the smallest person in most people’s lives. She is very small in stature. Probably under five feet. 

I remember bringing Kelly’s cat to show and tell. 

I remember having a horrible nightmare while sleeping at my grandparents’ house one time. I dreamt I was being kidnapped. Thrust roughly into someone’s car at night. Gagged. Never to be heard from again. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember Patrick had a long forehead. 

I remember having phone calls with Auti in front of Piano Row freshmen year. 

I remember being partial to the gummy candies after a night of trick or treating. 

I remember feeling certain Katherine had me for secret Santa, but she didn’t--Nasstaja did. 

I remember El and I always getting our school lunches from Posh Bagel. 

I remember teasing Mitchell at Toscanini’s because of the ice cream flavor he chose. 

I remember Mitchell sharing his cheddar bunnies with me when we were both drunk. 

I remember standing in the hallway outside of the bathroom in my apartment, staring into Mitchell’s blue eyes. I was nervous. I thought he was going to kiss me. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I didn’t want everyone in our community to hate me. 

I remember when Dad was away on business trips, El, Mom and I would all sleep together in their king size bed. 

I remember believing that dream catchers could truly prevent nightmares. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember my first cell phone was from Costco. It was entirely touch screen. Just a little black brick. 

I remember singing “Almost Lover” to Heather on the Charles River. 

I remember Will had a cushion on his sofa filled with pine needles. It kept its scent too. I held it to my nose, still unsure what level of physical contact I wanted with him. 

I remember not being chosen as an ITS leader and feeling numb. I couldn’t quite believe it. 

I remember picking out a lot of morning star products at the grocery store when I was a vegetarian. 

I remember Emmett’s family used to have a little terrier named Lucky. He got old though and died. 

I remember the last time Em, Demi, Auti, Jessica, Amanda and I hung out together was at Pinkberry. 

I remember getting to Paper Source one early evening completely soaked from the rain. Holly had me wear a spare pair of her shoes in the back closet. I stood in front of the space heater to dry off. 

I remember Jared and I picking up things to make breakfast with. I wore a flannel, tee-shirt and yoga pants. We held hands. I felt like I was someone’s girlfriend. 

I remember sticky hands that you could throw out at the wall or ceiling and they’d attach. After a while they’d get gross though--picking up lint, hair, old skin, the sticky spill nobody bothered to clean up. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember Elliot trying to get a wiffle ball league started. 

I remember eating a million otter pops in the summer. 

I remember going to bed in my grade school uniform one night. 

I remember in the Iris Ct house, there were cranks one had to fit into a peg at the window and wind around to the left in order to open the window.

I remember taking a bus home from New York with the sun rising and Wesley asleep and cuddled into my lap. 

I remember picking strawberries with Ms. Chandler and Elliot. 

I remember peach sangria sorbet from Treatbot. 

I remember crouching down to put on Blu’s collar and getting a big wet lick right on the cheek. 

I remember Jeffrey and I stuck in traffic trying to get to Piedmont. 

I remember my final paper in my Female playwrights seminar was on the use of memory in the female aesthetic. I used Paula Vogel, Suzan-Lori Parks and Anne Washburn. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember Andre picking me up from the Nut House wearing the weirdest pants...kinda like parachute pants? I don’t even know. I just remember that they were white with a black pattern and they billowed out. 

I remember my ankles and heels bleeding after running the mile. I’d kick myself without realizing it. 

I remember a comfort blanket I had, lovingly called “Stinky.”

I remember thinking Will was in front of me in line at Bed Bath and Beyond. It made me sick with anxiety. 

I remember Mrs. O had long white hair that she’d pin up in a tight bun, but when released would unfurl past her knees. 

I remember Berkeley used to doodle on her breaks at the creamery. 

I remember Mom and I coming home with Buddy, who was very small and very quiet as a puppy. 

I remember riding Top Gun at Great America over and over and over again. 

I remember being on my period at Disneyland. 

I remember meeting TA after performing in Crazy for You. I was still wearing a mustache and cowboy costume...

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember really wanting a bean bag chair. Mom thought they were tacky. It was never going to happen. 

I remember groovy girls. 

I remember Demi telling me that Alexa C only wore thongs. 

I remember Victor and I getting high in my dorm in Colonial. We kept my blinds down, and opened the window a crack to blow the smoke out. 

I remember having to sit on my suitcase in order to get it to close. 

I remember Auti and I performing a scene from Doubt in Mr. Garbo’s class. We got an A+. She was Sister James. I was Sister Aloysius. 

I remember wondering why no one was calling Ruby out for wearing Lululemon yoga pants to work. 

I remember Wes and I were going to try and get tickets to the Arctic Monkeys concert, but it was sold out. Instead we wandered a record store and then ran around Harvard. 

I remember taking lyrical at Atlas Dance Studio in the summer. I would take it twice a week. I also took jazz and ballet, but lyrical was my favorite. 

I remember watching The Killing late late late into the night while I was in France. I was there a month and remained jet-lagged. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember Julia didn’t want the sauce on her pizza, so she would remove the cheese, scrape off the sauce with a fork and then put the cheese back onto the naked slice. 

I remember Crema always being packed. I’d only ever take reading materials there. They don’t have wifi. 

I remember Mrs. Hubbard was always turning 27 on her birthdays.

I remember accidentally buying an umbrella meant for children at Black Ink. 

I remember the escalators in the London subway (the tube) used to give me severe anxiety. 

I remember the waitress at Mini Gourmet telling me she liked my Birkenstocks. 

I remember making fudge with my mother. We’d get all the ingredients from Safeway. I’d sneak a scoop of Jetpuff from the jar when she wasn’t looking. 

I remember my legs always falling asleep during assemblies in grade school because my peers and I were forced to sit cross legged in rows in the auditorium for at least 2 hours (depending on the occasion). 

I remember spanking Wes before I left his hotel room. I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him goodbye.

I remember Mr. Buell using a made up place, Kick-baby-landia, to illustrate a point in his ethics class. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember a goat with horns rammed my fingers into the fence at a petting zoo. No bleeding. Nothing broken. But two of my fingers were red and swollen. 

I remember I went on a date with a man in his thirties. A grad student at Harvard. He said that Harvard will take a good student and make them a terrible person. They’ll take terrible people and make them even worse. 

I remember eating sushi with wet hair on Newbury street with Heather. We’d just had a swim at the Colannade rooftop pool. 

I remember buying all my nail polish from American Apparel. 

I remember reading Are You There God It’s Me, Margaret. It was the first coming of age book I read about being a young woman. 

I remember “Boy Meets World.” My favorite character was Topanga. 

I remember putting my poems up on the fridge in the Green St. apartment. 

I remember going into the bathroom in the Brookline St. apartment and finding that someone hadn’t flushed the toilet. 

I remember Tori’s boyfriend always left the toilet seat up in our apartment. I remember complaining to Alex about it. He didn’t understand what the big deal was. I can put it down, right? I explained to him that after we fuck, I need to pee. If Joey hasn’t put the seat down, and it’s late at night and I’m TIRED I could sit right in the toilet water on accident which would REALLY SUCK. That shut him up. 

I remember passing notes on scraps of binder paper. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember my mom blasting Celine Dion in the house, in the car, essentially wherever there were speakers. 

I remember thinking Mr. Dowd and Jillian had kinda a flirty relationship. 

I remember seeing a Sanguine show in Benson. An image I remember is watching Joey hop onto Greg’s back and chase another actor around the stage. 

I remember Shanti kissing me in front of my dorm on Piano Row. He was a bad kisser. Sloppy. I ghosted him. 

I remember smoking a joint with Dada in his garden. He asked me what made Alex and I compatible. I said that we have a good balance--he’s a very logical, organized person. I’m a little more artistic and imaginative. We laugh a lot. He smiled and told me it was a good answer. 

I remember Buddi has a bony butt when he sits in your lap. 

I remember one time I was walking with Dad, and I saw Reed coming out of Jamba Juice with a friend of his. We were on the opposite side of the street, so I didn’t say hi. 

I remember a rumor that Chad carries condoms in his wallet. I didn’t know what a condom was, so I didn’t understand why this was a big deal. 

I remember ordering a pint of strawberry ice cream from Toscanini’s for the house. My favorite. 

I remember playing “mother may I” in the front yard with Elliot and Kelly. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember slamming my bedroom door. 

I remember Wesley taking his shirt off and noticing that he’d gained weight. His stomach stuck out a little bit, not in a way that was unattractive, but in a way that it seemed he’d stopped taking his work outs seriously and/or was consuming more alcohol. 

I remember my favorite flavor from Baskin Robin’s was watermelon. There were even black candy seeds in every scoop. 

I remember watching The Danish Girl on my flight back to Boston. 

I remember watching Twelve Years a Slave on my flight back to California. 

I remember expecting my Hogwarts letter when I turned twelve. 

I remember Maddie’s white noise machine. 

I remember Elliot and I had a game cube. We’d play Mario cart and animal crossing for hours. 

I remember there was a hive of bees in the chimney of the Nevada house and my mom had to call someone to smoke them out, then safely remove the hive. 

I remember TA sitting in the row of seats behind me, whispering notes in my ear during tech runs. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember telling Rajiv that I was upset he got rid of the man with the birds in his later drafts of Archduke. He told me he had to, but maybe the man would be in another play...

I remember Ms. Snelson wore glasses and had her brown hair in a long bob that brushed her shoulders. 

I remember standing in a dressing room with Demi, I was trying on a bikini. We looked at my reflection. My body was covered in psoriasis. Demi looked very concerned, she asked what happened. I told her I had no idea. It was the worst break out I’d ever had. 

I remember watching two dragonflies mate. 

I remember writing the first portion of Don’t Like the Song, But I’ll Dance to it Anyway in Petsi Pies (the one near Harvard Sq.)

I remember towards the end of Harry’s life, Mom would put him in diapers or old pairs of Dad’s underwear. 

I remember realizing that my parents lie to me sometimes.

I remember realizing that my friends talk about me when I’m not around. I realized this specifically because I knew that I talked about them...my thinking was that it must work in reverse. 

I remember seeing “Mean Girls” in the movie theater with Emma and Taylor. It was a half day. We were supposed to be in school. We were too young to realize it was satire. 

I remember Amanda making jokes that she was “basically black” because she spent her entire summer in the pool so she’d gotten pretty tan. Looking back though...that’s a pretty offensive thing to say. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember El and I zipping up the street on razor scooters. His had blue wheels, mine had red. 

I remember folding flannels, occasionally bringing one close to my nose to smell. 

I remember turning around so Amanda could pee in the creek. 

I remember the shades in the Whitney coming down. A woman was bereft, screaming, “No, no, NO” and trying to stop them with her hands. She wanted to get a picture. The sunset was truly beautiful. It was also blinding. Two of the museum workers walked over to her--I didn’t stay to see the confrontation. I moved to another room. 

I remember holding Jared’s hand, strolling to the train station, wondering why I wasn’t happy. I convinced myself it was fatigue. 

I remember giving my big toe a salt bath because it had an ingrown toenail. It oozed with pus--a good sign! But it was still swollen. Still hurt really bad. 

I remember the first Tennis song I ever heard “Deep in the Woods.” Richard put it on a mix CD he made for me when I went away to college. 

I remember Julia had a trampoline in her back yard. 

I remember getting a callback for Ado Annie in Oklahoma. When I wasn’t cast as Ado Annie, I dropped the show. I don’t even like Oklahoma. 

I remember cuddling Will under the seats in the Hoover Theatre. That’s all we did, but I think everyone assumed we did more. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember pulling a Pinter play from the TheatreWorks library to read. It sat on my desk for months unopened before I realized I should return it. 

I remember Wes and I had this game--the object was to steal a kiss from the other person. I was bad at it. I’d get frustrated and grab his face so he couldn’t keep moving away from me. 

I remember wondering if Meghan had a crush on me. If maybe I had a crush on her. We had so many inside jokes, and occasionally there’d be this tension between us that I could never quite explain. 

I remember joining the Girl Scouts late and feeling bad. The troop that I joined had already gone on their big camping trip so the girls all had their best friends. I was the new girl. I was also very quiet. 

I remember buying readers from Anthropologie. 

I remember trying on glasses at Warby Parker. 

I remember trying on my dad’s glasses. He took them away quickly--afraid I would break them. 

I remember the uber driver who drove me home from Jonathan’s was playing instrumental piano music. It sounded like it might have been from a movie soundtrack, but I don’t know. I couldn’t put my finger on it. 

I remember pulling weeds out of the earth with my bare hands, tossing them in a pile behind me. 

I remember Shippy’s bright orange scarf. 

[notconclusions-blog]

I remember waking up at five in the morning to finish a Tina Howe play before work and my Female Playwrights seminar. 

I remember Mom yelling at me for painting my nails in the bathroom.

I remember The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. I read them all. 

I remember biting the plantation shutters in the house I grew up in. When I got older, my parents joked that it was an easy way to keep track of my height...one would just locate the bite marks. 

I remember Mr. Houle’s salt and pepper hair, his brown eyes, and when he’s stressed--the grey stubble along his jaw. 

I remember a climbing structure in the shape of a dinosaur. 

I remember Andre and I making out on a bright orange bench in downtown Palo Alto. He reminded me to keep it PG 13, because we’re still in public. 

I remember taking cabs very early from Logan Airport to Cambridge. I’d watch the sun rise over the Charles, and rays of light would fall on me in the backseat. I’d sigh, happy to be home. 

I remember June bugs in Emmett’s back yard. 

I remember Adrienne’s mom was my elementary school French teacher. I also remember them having two golden retrievers.