notenoughpeace

[notenoughpeace]

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.”

— Juliette Lewis

[notenoughpeace]

My dream was to be a trucker. I realize now that in order to do so, I would need to do more than learn the truck. I no longer want that. And that’s okay. I’m going to be okay. I will be fine. I promise you that.

[notenoughpeace]

I have a dream

To become a trucker. It has always been a dream of mine. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I've decided to make something of my life. As a trucker. Just an update really.

*******TRIGGER WARNING***************

I tried to un alive myself. Depression hit hard. So I've decided to seek therapy. Not betterhelp. Not online. I've tried that. And it doesn't work for me. I always walked away. So I just hope that seeking therapy with someone face to face will help. Wish me luck.

[notenoughpeace]

Ever since quitting my job all I want is to DO SOMETHING. Just found out today that my dad wants to go to Dubai. I’ve been laying here. Trying to figure out a way to tell him that I don’t want to go anywhere. But when I did he said that the best way to handle how I feel is to go away for a while. What do I want? Away from him. Just away from him. That’s all. I think i might be asking too much. Not sure.

[notenoughpeace]

I am so tired. My body hurts. I just want to sleep. So instead of trying to stay awake, I'm going to

Relax

Do yoga in bed

And

Fall asleep

[notenoughpeace]

My story as an epileptic*TW*

I remember the first seizure i had. It  was summer in Florida, where i lived at the time. I was a young teen. Just got invited to my first get together with a friend from one of my classes. The only one who spoke spanish. We were there. Waiting. Looking. For something. Anything. Any sign of life. Then, it happened. I didn’t know what it was, all i knew was that i was unable to see. Turns out, having your eyes roll to the back of your head will do that to you. I just heard a faint voice. It sounded like it was coming from far away. Turns out it was the voice of my father. yelling at the top of his lungs. He kept saying my name. I don’t know what happened the rest of the day. I do remember not being able to get in touch with the neurologist that i had, however. Also, i never understood a word he said. I remember being depressed. Very depressed. considering not taking my medication. Why take it, if it won’t work?”, i would ask myself. My father, the man that he is, the way that he speaks to me, even to this day, makes me uncomfortable, when he’s angry. I remember in middle school, 8th grade, having a seizure. To this day, the only reason i know i had one that day, was because i was told. I remember nothing about the day, or anything of the sort. Today, I am working on creating a job as a freelance writer, because writing my thoughts down, for me, doesnt work, my penmanship is horrible, so i type. I type all of my thoughts, dealing with epilepsy, and the likes, on my small corner of the internet. Most evenings, in my robe, simply relaxed and thinking. Today, i am at peace. Today, is a day to write

[notenoughpeace]

New Life

I walked away from a job i had for 9 years, almost 10. I just couldn’t do it anymore. So now, I am currently in this strange place where I dont know who i am anymore. I’ve decided i dont want to go back to working for anyone anymore. So i signed myself up to be a freelance writer on a website. I don’t remember the name of the site, but i do remember that feeling of “holy crap, my dream has become a reality.” i literally had a dream that I was on the computer looking up ways on Google to make money blogging. So when i woke up, that’s exactly what i did. I only filled out 1 form. But that’s better than dreaming about something and doing nothing about it. That;s my dream. To become a freelance writer for my blog. That’s it. That’s all i want. 

About the job, the reason i walked away was because i was literally tired of being used by them. I felt this way years ago, but never knew how to go about walking out. Turns out, not showing up and sleeping in is the way to go. So, they eventually stopped calling and texting me asking “when are you coming in?” to realize that i quit. the thing about it, is i never gave them a 2 week notice, never once spoke to anyone about how i was feeling. I just left. Walked out completely. Gave them one last shift and just said bye. Spoke with family about it. I asked one family member i spoke to what would happen if i went to work the next day. I got the 3 most shocking words i think i have ever heard anyone say in my entire life. You Better Not. This family member understood that it was time for me to move on and find a new way to make money, even if that way was not the way others would have gone about things. There was one other reason i walked away. I am an Epileptic. I was having trouble getting to sleep at night and even more trouble getting up in the morning. I knew that doing a whole 9 to 5 was not going to be something i could do. Not in my current state. Not in the state of stress that the job caused me, anxiety that i felt about my work, and the feeling of being in the book 1984; where the main character always felt like he was being watched. I havent been to my job since i quit. It has only been 2 weeks maybe, but i feel good. Writing was always my calling. Always, I don’t like the idea of NEEDING to do something to please other people. That’s basically what any and all jobs are. But being a freelance writer is different. It means that, even if this doesnt work out, even if this fails, I can say with confidence, i put myself out there, and gave it my all.

[notenoughpeace]

I don’t trust easily. So if I decide I truly trust you; wholeheartedly, you will never know. Ever.

[notenoughpeace]

I keep seeing these “you need someone quotes” they say things like “you need someone” and then describe the one they believe you need. “You need someone that loves your soul more than your body.” That is an actual quote on this app. From an actual user. I say love yourself first. That’s the key. If you do that in small doses every day, you will be okay.

[notenoughpeace]

Tonight will be remembered by me

As the night

I no longer feared

What my consequences might do

What my actions might mean to others

Tonight

I simply decided

To live

And not cry

Any longer

Or fear the unknown

Or despise the ones who are different from myself

In thought

Or action.

Tonight

I choose peace

Within myself

And hope to the stars above

That you all

Do the same.

<3

[notenoughpeace]

Waking up 3 hours after I’m supposed to take my medicine terrified me. But I know why. It’s because I’ve been using a heater to get to bed instead of just laying down. I realized today that heaters are not good for me because they make my sleep WAAAYY deeper than needed. I like warmth. So I decided to use my heater. Can’t do that anymore. If i keep waking up at 11 instead of 8 then that means I could miss a whole day. Possibly even more. So no more heater before bed. A robe? Sure. Heater. No thank you. I would rather take the chance of sleeping with socks on and maybe end up waking up around 8. Hopefully.

[notenoughpeace]

When I got yelled at by him, I was so stressed and scared and overwhelmed it caused me to have a seizure. I never thought it was possible. Not for me. Not really. I thought the only things that caused me seizures were no sleep and flashing lights. Guess stress can be added to the list now.

[notenoughpeace]

Smh

[notenoughpeace]

No longer will I go to bed hungry

No longer will I go to work hungry

My physical health matters

I feel myself deteriorating

Day

By

Day

I am frightened

[notenoughpeace]

Had a nightmare last night. It’s too much to go into too much detail about. But I woke up around 4 am. Took what seemed like forever to get back to sleep. No seizures yet. Thank goodness for that. I just gotta be careful about what I watch and think about. Gotta watch them thoughts. My mouth is the least of my problems now.

[notenoughpeace]

Headed to bed. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. Without problems I mean. I made a resumè today and applied for a job on indeed. Remote. But still. Better than what I’m doing now. Wish me luck 🤞🏼🤞🏼

[notenoughpeace]

Feeling a bit better today. Still alive. Hungry but don’t wanna eat. It snowed today. A lot. And I had to drive in it to get to work. I can tell my dad was nervous to have me drive. But we both know that if I don’t make it there, I don’t get paid. I understand why he was so avid about making it to work, even tho he was sick. You only understand things when they happen to you. I made it to work. And back. I took a nap. Now about to game for a bit. I love you guys. ❤️❤️