noteverybodygetstogotospace

[noteverybodygetstogotospace]

5/28

It's been a while. currently at my last shift at the cinema... very sad! this place has been so special to me and I don't want to leave it behind, I feel like I haven't done all I wanted to yet. that's how I'm feeling about college in general I guess. like I haven't done everything I meant to, like my to-do list is only halfway checked off. it makes me feel like I'm not meant to be leaving yet, but I took all my classes and exams and wrote my thesis and walked across the stage, so I suppose I have to. the whole week of graduation was much more stressful then I'd hoped, which I guess is what happens when I do things involving my family. I just felt so disconnected from my Self energy which was so frustrating, because all I wanted was to breathe and feel safe in my body and feel proud of myself and I wasn't really able to do any of those things. but now it's over so no use dwelling on it I suppose. I'm just really sad to be leaving the idea of college behind, all the endless possibilities and connection to learning and curiosity and never knowing who I might meet (even if I never really met anyone lol). I don't want to be a cog in the big greasy machine :(

though I'm also afraid I won't get the chance to be a cog at all! It's scary how quickly things shifted, I felt so purposeful and now I'm not so sure of anything. I know this is all part of a very universal experience and askpolly wrote a bit about it that made me feel a bit better. really really hoping I get one of those jobs in the city but I know I'll figure it out regardless.

the trip with M is so soon! and back to the beach with K, H, and V before that. It's been so rainy and dreary lately it's hard for me to feel too excited about any of this but I know it will pass, has always passed. it's just hard in the moment sometimes. I'm scared to go home.

[noteverybodygetstogotospace]

2/20

realized you can see my face in this photo. i look like a little ghost (trying not to think about ghosts because I'm closing alone tonight lol). i love working here. i really never thought i would have that feeling about any job ever.

i haven't been sleeping so well lately. last night it was just me in the house and i woke up fully around 3am, which hasn't happened for a while. i was having some dream where i was in L's room and had accidently let these massive stinging insects into my room through a hole in the screen on the window. i had caught one or two and drowned them i think. also dreamed i was running from something. i have to go open the theater door so no more reflection for now.

[noteverybodygetstogotospace]

2/3. it snowed a lot last month

forgot I had this and remembered while procrastinating writing a cover letter. it's been a while. i'm almost 23! so crazy, i don't know why i still feel a bit surprised every year. trying to plan, getting scared, trying again. i feel like i never know what the next year will bring, but now more then ever i just have no clue. but i'm planning and looking and not letting myself get too down about it all.

finally in the reprocessing part of therapy, it's been fucking crazy. i kind of though i was immune to somatic connection but here i am sobbing and tapping my shoulders. it's scary to unlock this part of me. last night i was thinking of little me, in my button up shirt and plaid dress like i always picture myself. i imagined seeing her in the parking lot outside school, going up to her and taking her hand in mine. we sat on the wooden wall, with the mulch and trees and brick behind us. i never know what to say to her.

a few nights ago i dreamt i was with someone, a guy from climbing i don't really know, or some representation of him. we were doing a sort of scavenger hunt but it was scary in some way, but i kept touching him and felt so connected. at one point we were sitting down and i put my head against his shoulder and felt safe. i hate dreams like that, knowing that feeling exists but it's not for me somehow. ironically went out in annapolis a few nights ago and he was there and got absolutely blackout drunk, eliminated any lingering dream feelings thank god. i'm so fucking lonely but then i tell myself i'm not and i know i'm not but i am a bit. i just want someone's shoulder to rest my head on.

[noteverybodygetstogotospace]

5/7

sitting in the chapel garden. it's a little too humid to be totally nice out, but I'm determined to enjoy it. protests today and I've been feeling so conflicted, it's frustrating to not have anyone to talk to who understands what I'm feeling. I feel like no matter what I choose to do I'm betraying someone. myself or my family or the people who have died pointless brutal deaths. if i believe something but don't act on it do i really believe it at all? but then i wonder what the point of joining in would be, since divestment or anything similar seems so unlikely. then i think of my friends, who i love and admire, and know that they would do what I for some reason cannot. i think of that poem, "you are who i love, you struggling to see...you struggling to love or find a question"

i want to be a brave face in a crowd. i try to remind myself my indecision is not irredeemable, even as i struggle to believe that.

[noteverybodygetstogotospace]

5/4 +5/5

~my first post! I'm going to give blogging a try because journaling hurts my hand and I like being able to incorporate pictures. everyone says tumblr is dead so this seems like the perfect venue.~

went to the beach this weekend with k, h, and v. originally was planning to stay in cp but so glad that I left, even if it was rainy. went to a art fair and the boardwalk and me & k stole bracelets which I feel a little bad about. walked on the cold sand and waded into the cold sea. i always feel like I'm playing a game with the ocean where the waves will brake just before reaching my feet, and I'm lured further and further out until a wave breaks right on me and soaks my pants.

later we smoked and watched burlesque and midsommar (powerful combination). I went to sleep afraid I was going to have nightmares but instead I dreamt that I was out at different public places and at all of them was suddenly overwhelmed with grief and started crying. instead of being ashamed i felt sort of liberated. woke up unrested the next morning and read braiding sweetgrass. went to the beach later with k while h & v shopped. i sat up near the dunes like i always used to in the summer when i was little, when I'd come out of the water dripping and cold and push through the sand up to the scorching soft heat. i always think of mom when i sit up there. sat for a while and looked at the ocean and let myself cry. ever since therapy last week I've been thinking a lot about grieving, trying to figure out exactly what i'm grieving and how to let myself do it. grief implies loss, but how can i loose something i never had?

regardless of the semantics, i know there is a lot of sadness in me. this is a hard conclusion to come to. it's hard to make room for a chest full of sadness in a life of highways and green trees and faces. but i tried on the beach, i let myself cry and i don't think it felt good, but it didn't feel bad. i think i have many more tears to shed before i can reach any kind of feeling of catharsis. later we were all sitting on a blanket on the sand and i had my disposable camera. i saw a woman walking towards us with her small daughter and went and asked her to take a picture of us. I looked at the little girl in her long coat and felt the sadness i always feel. so maybe grief is both an old stranger and a new friend.

[noteverybodygetstogotospace]

...

[| : 3 )