nothingisalive

[nothingisalive]

I think the tighter you hold on to something, the more it slips away from you, like tightly clenching sand in a fist.

Forever is till I'm looking into your eyes or typing in caps on, screaming my heart out.

And I'll forgive myself for things my 5 year old self will forgive me for.

[nothingisalive]

Why doesn't he love me

[nothingisalive]

Why am I here? I don't mean the earth or this house, just, here.

Why am I here? Behind these walls made of paper and bed made of blood, warm soft blood. It sounds crazy. I sound crazy. I'm crazy.

I'm not insane. I wake up to see the dying flower on my desk. Its own beauty killed it. I'll be immortal.

[nothingisalive]

When I look into the mirror I see her eyes looking back at me with the intense gaze of a hunter, her breath tickles my neck as the memories linger around my shoulder like little chirping birds.

[nothingisalive]

I washed my sins with love

[nothingisalive]

It feels crazy living in a world were you are not alive

[nothingisalive]

I was so started, of everything, i think i started eating myself.

[nothingisalive]

I wish I could kill you and go back in time. And when someone asks me about you i just say 'oh i don't know who you are talking about'. I wish I didn't know you.

The highs are so high that I feel like I'm falling in a river and the lows are so low that I feel as if I'm drowning now.

Honestly it was "until death do us apart" but you were busy carving yourself with knifes and I was in a corner watching you. You'd never know how I wretched I felt, how my throat dried up and eyes welled up when i always was second to your addiction to self destruct.

You warned me but everyone skips warning, I love the thrill but i go blind in this light you give.

You were the boy who grabbed the knife and i the girl who watched you cut.

You ripped yourself apart and I cleaned up the blood.

[nothingisalive]

My mother came to wake me up but just saw an empty void

[nothingisalive]

And while I looked at death, he from afar looked at me like he could love me.

[nothingisalive]

I never liked endings. In movies I never watched the ending, it gave me hope on what could be, the good that would have happened. And so, if we were in a movie, there would be no ending, but again, an end is inevitable, because in the end someone goes and someone is left behind, someone begged for death and someone wished they could live. But love, it doesn’t have an end, it remains alive in memory and in books. If death came and forever took you away, I’d curse the moon and stars for having you, try to find you even if I know that you have now floated away from me, I might sit and smile and laugh with others but there would be a void, a void so dark and huge I fear it might engulf me.

When I say I love you, it feels small, love is sacrifice, love is pain, love is longing and love is memory. When I consider it I can’t think of a reason for us to be apart but if all stars collide, who are we. Im a child who got new toys when I’m with you, or a homeless who found a home, or deer who escaped a lion, or a starved who found something special.

If I ever had to choose between you and anything else, it would be you, a thousand and million times. You’re a knife I am willing to hold close to my heart. I don’t want an ending, I want us to be forever alive, to forever exist, to be present,- together.

[nothingisalive]

When did i become you mother? When did you stop looking at me like I'm your daughter and instead as a mirror that is broken?