nova-ritz

[nova-ritz]

I'm terrified of what my home is becoming America is so destructive and horrible I don't feel Safe or protected

I'd like to talk about some horrible experiences I've had with fertility

I've been with my partner since we were about 16 and 17 and the very first time I miscarried I had to do it alone and ut was hard and painful and I didn't know what was going on but I couldn't go to my parents about it and I called my partner and we were ok

Then when we moved in together we kept trying to have a baby because we both genuinely want to love and care for our child and raise a wonderful person thts going to help bring light and love to those around them

So thts what we did we kept trying and I'd get pregnant then have a miscarriage and cry be in pain and feel depressed for a few months in total I've had 6 miscarriages at no fault of anyone's

Thinking tht extremely hard and painful time if it were to happen again I could not only get investigated BUT THROWN IN TO JAIL for what having a body tht can't hold a baby I don't understand how thts ok having a miscarriage is horrible and one of the hardest things we have had to go through so I can't understand criminalizing it on basis of what u don't know the person or worse u don't know the circumstances and some people can't have kids or don't want them and there's nothing wrong with tht if ur going to ban abortion make sterilization getting ur tunes tied or getting vasectomys more accessible and stop telling woman they can't get anything done because they are too young don't have any kids aren't married non of those are acceptable reasons

Now my last experience I want to write about is my son my sweet angel baby

I carried to 36 weeks to the day and gave birth to him we were told even before my water had broken he was not alive in the womb anymore they gave us a few minutes to hold eachother and cry and call our families it was hard on everyone this was the only pregnancy I'd had tht made it past 12 weeks and I got to feel my baby boy grow and kick inside me so the pain I felt was not only heart breaking but gut wrenching because they also chose this time to tell me because of how far I was they may have to do an autopsy on him and the thought of my precious baby being cut open and examined like a lab rat and not my sweet baby was so painful and I couldn't process anything I felt like I was in so much pain I was beginning to feel numb to everything around me

On top of it all I had what the doctor told me was a "traumatic labor" and I lost alot of fluids I had to get 4 blood transfusions I'm a diabetic and was pre eclamptic after birth not to mention I ended up having a severe spinal headache due to the epidural having to be put in 3 times and at the end of it all I only got to be with my baby boy for 12 hours honestly I was afraid to hold him he looked so fragile and small and I was so devoid of fluid tht right after I gave birth my face was crying but my eyes had nothing coming out and I just desperately sat their with my partner and we were both just hoping he would cry and then even more happend

After 12 hours I was moved to ICU so they had to take our baby to the funeral home and they had to ask my husband and our family to leave because covid precautions were being taken at the hospital so I went down there all by myself and I finally was about to regain fluids and cried alone in my hospital bed while the TV was on so I could not be heard and I kept praying tht some how some way everything would be ok

I was released to from the hostipal after a few days and then was right back in less than 24 hours later and transferred to a different one hours away and I had been trying to see if the funeral home would let us hold our baby more before we had to transfer to tht hospital and they were trying so hard to make it happen but I got transferred before they could then they were trying to get the new hospital to approve of us to get to hold him at the new hospital and the hospital said no and we were devastated and worried we wouldn't get to just hold him again before they were supposed to creamate him and after 2 weeks I was finally released from the hospital and the funeral home was so awesome about it we got to hold him for I don't even know how many hours and the funeral director was so so amazing she gave us a bear tht was our sons weight at birth and tht helped my partner and I out so much during our time healing we were in so much pain and it really helped make both of us feel better and then we jjst started to heal I started taking insulin (I have needle anxiety and still do so thts not any fun) I started taking prescription pills along with my normal vitamins and I started to just feel a bit better getting fresh air spending time with my partner and our families

But I'll admit even now months later I still don't feel like I'm at my fullest I still feel sad about all of it I cried while writing this post I can still feel all the pain when I think about my son

Ur not just strapping woman with pregnancy ur strapping them with years of pain and years of heart ache and years of their body being changed

I was 19 when I had my son I'm 20 now and my body will never be the same and for me that's OK because I MADE THE CHOICE but this is a choice this shouldn't be forced upon anyone who doesn't want to do this it's hard alot can happen u could be treated like a criminal for ur child not surviving even before Roe V Wade was overturned

As someone who has been through it already I'm scared for what will happen to my little ones in the future and if the same things happen tht I won't have a choice to say I don't want my baby Sliced up just for them to tell me what I already knew tht I didnt kill my child

Pregnancy is painful and kinda just sucks all the pain and the swelling and the having to pee and the cramps tht happen when ur uterus is expanding

For people who want to be parents like my partner and I it's worth it but for those who don't it can be hell and the worst part is when ppl like my partner and I dont get to have a baby at the end tht was wanted and the people who didn't want the baby and were forced in to this do get one at the end

U cant expect people to be ok with it and u can't expect people to want the babies they are forced to have