nuakea

[nuakea]

ᴅɪɢɪᴛᴀʟ ɢɪʀʟs ♡ ♡ ♡

[nuakea]

08-24-17

This is very selfish of me. I think of you. Often enough to be perpetually uncomfortable. Hearing Mi Gente on the irritatingly catchy top40 radio station set this blatant spill-out into motion. (I only listen to that shit if I can't stand to hear any of the uncountable songs you showed me - because you've already crossed my mind one too many times that day, and I don't want to cry about it). Your photos are still on my wall, and on my side table is the one of Julieta, Martha and us. The starwars collectable movie theatre cup is still on my dresser, and the last Topo Chico bottle is on my desk. Whenever I finally make it home, I'm staring blankly at my laptop fighting the nausea. I'm not quite ready to get rid of any of the sentimental shit. Fuck, if I'm being honest, everything about everything is of sentimental value if it has to do with you. Every few days I check to see what we were doing this time last year. Today we were at the school in Guadalajara. I had never seen something as breathtaking as the view of the green mountain range there. I watched you look over the balcony and found peace in just that. I hope you get to attend so you can enjoy it in between classes and someone else can watch you look over that balcony and that you both find the peace that I did. I learned how much I truly appreciated you this time last year. I hope you're okay. I think about you. Often. I'm still battling with not having the contact. I didn't look for anything in May or June. I did in July, though. August, too. I found your twitter, couldn't understand the Spanish, got frustrated, and cried. I Google translated a few of the tweets the next time. Now I check up on your instagram. It's beautiful. I hope you're okay. I am only sending you good vibes. I believe in you. I want to watch you grow. I hope our paths cross again. I am so sorry they ever had to separate. There is no one else I feel for as strongly as I do you. I miss you. Please don't stop, you're doing great.

[nuakea]

finding permission within myself 

to be sexy and listen to reggaeton

[nuakea]

[nuakea]

06/20/16 - 06/24/16

The first night never really got dark. Clear skies. It was nearly a full moon.         8 hours

Curled up in the front seat at 6 am. I have countless nightmares. One whole hour of them. The car got hot really hot. That's what woke me up - not the nightmares. The sun shone all day on Tuesday. The worst is knowing. "I would have turned back, you know?" Driving west right into the blazing sunset.         12 hours

I tried to find one good thing for every bad thing at every pit-stop. Like young girls working late night gas bars just when we thought there was no hope. Everyone could tell. There was no sympathy for dark sunglasses at 2am         5 hours

At LakeView Motel there was no lake. I found solace in a voice - louder than the booming train. ... I would have turned back, too.         6 hours

I saw the universe at work. Swerving uncontrollably, we both grabbed the wheel. Don't let me down. The monopoly McDonald's has over the Trans-Canada is strong. 50km over the speed limit, we were strong too. There was nothing. Nothing but the sun, puffy white cumulus clouds, yellow-green grass, and road. Everything looked more interesting from far away. Like most things.         11 hours

I sunk deep into myself and left the car. I felt everything. Mindlessly driving west into a lightning storm. It started to pour torrential rains. Think nice things. - the truck driver behind us with the bright lights - the sunset in Mexico - the peaceful sleeper in the passenger seat. And just as I was exploding, city lights.         6 hours

[nuakea]

[nuakea]

Looking at memes puts me into the next great depression. Slouched into myself for nearly an hour. I used to watch you play LoL. Driving around in circles almost feels therapeutic. Home-renovation construction zones litter the neighbourhood. I want to lay down in the piles of rubble and camouflage myself as dirt ripped out of the Earth and turned over.

[nuakea]

[nuakea]

One Thing Or Two About The Art Of Being Ok

Close your eyes. Try to quiet your thoughts. Be in touch with the nothingness. Do not mistake desire for love. Desire leaves home in a frantic search for one gratification after another. Love is at home with itself. Never forget that if there weren’t any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. When you accept your nothingness you become everything. When you accept your everythingness you become nothing. Don’t forget to look at the parts of yourself that you would rather ignore. Are you moving towards your experiences or away from them? Try to move towards them. Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every misfortune, every moment of joy, every breath. Embrace your ten thousand horrible demons and your ten thousand beautiful demons. Be tender with your self. One form of strength is ones ability to weave loose threads of past selves into their present. Think human dreamcatcher. Walk around as if you have forgotten your identity. Build your self from information that you collect from others. Rediscover your self. If you are short on your ability to believe, just remember that the smallest waters bind to make the sea.

Are you forever reliving your best memories? Your worst? Are you too preoccupied with your dreams or fears about the future to be here now? Be who you are and love one another. Chase even the most laughable, hopeless desires with the same sense of conviction and priority as any life defining pursuit. Walk around knowing everyone around you needs love to stay alive. Don’t be envious of others, be glad that their qualities exist. Your aura is constantly absorbing colors from the people and things around you. Don’t worry, all the people you loved and could have loved will forever live inside your heart. If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. You will only conserve what you understand, understand what you love and love what you are taught. Do not give your attention away to people or things that make you feel drained. The basis for your identity is precarious because thought and emotion are by their very nature ephemeral and fleeting. You can fail at what you don’t want to do, so why not take a chance and try at the thing that you love? You can only be loved by loving. What would you be doing if you were fearless? What you fear is usually what you need to experience in order to learn and grow. There are a million experiences just waiting for you just outside of the place you are right now.

[words by Ashley Opheim, image by Penebranca]

[nuakea]

tomorrowwwww.

I took a comics class this semester and decided to focus my project on making a comic about depression, as I went through a heavy depressive episode for a few months during the winter. This is the cover, which is risograph black + teal. I’m going to be expanding the zine to include more comics and will have it at TCAF.

[nuakea]

conversations with the universe

[nuakea]

margin

***

if only it were as simple as that a line on the page in a book as in life in choosing a position to the left or right identity is formed dispelling this myth of the outsider looking in

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an edge and the area immediately adjacent to it; a border --

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the question being is this silence self imposed he preferred to sit in the corners of a room away from the center away from where the words would gather

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the blank space bordering the written or printed area on a page

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she would no longer place the accents without knowing the context she insisted on translations regardless of the merits with new found meaning she insisted on questioning how  one define other between a mother and a son

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a limit in a condition or process, beyond or below which something is no longer possible or acceptable

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freedom of excess allowing for space she imagined the other naked helpless she desired the other in that precise moment she desired to enter to redefine this notion of the line as it relates to the body

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an amount allowed beyond what is needed

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he said I love you with the awkwardness of a child       language discovered for the very first time     having imprisoned these words for so long they spilt from his lips like water from a ladle

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a measure, quantity, or degree of difference

***

she called today demanding that I return what is rightfully hers     her language her stories the sum of her life her sense of self in the eyes of the other     to my surprise she was rather sympathetic     I  told her I was broke    to which she replied    that    she says    is the story of my life

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the difference between the market value of collateral and the face value of a loan

***

to control the spread of mint in her garden she would have to plant them in milk cartons before planting them in the ground she would bury the faces of missing children deep in soil  such  was the practice when containing beauty

[nuakea]

It has been said that art is a tryst, for in the joy of it maker and beholder meet.

Kojiro Tomita

[nuakea]

DAY 1

And I can't fall asleep Without a little help It takes awhile To settle down My ship of hopes Wait til the past leaks out It takes an ocean not to break

[nuakea]

Masochistic Behaviour

Today I'm feeling more dependent than I usually do. Like I've just been scraping by for the last 8 years. Too much pot. I've got a lot to work on. My 5 year plan is changing daily. I try not to think much further than that. Everything is temporary- Impermanent. Broken.

[nuakea]

mulder. <3

[nuakea]

amazing. things2remember