nullifieddelusion

[nullifieddelusion]

Who I Used to Be

You can change the way you dress

You can cut and dye your hair a million different ways

You can wear more or less makeup

You can go by a different name

But you’ll never escape who you were

You’ll never erase the person you used to be

The “old you” will always be behind you, like a shadow

They will always haunt you

[nullifieddelusion]

Mirror

All I see are imperfections

No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I stare

Whether I stand at a distance, or whether I stand up close, the reflection in the mirror never changes

“It’s not my reflection,” I try to tell myself

“That can’t be me,” I sob to the person staring back at me

It copies my movements, it copies my mannerisms

The way I walk, the way I talk, the way I feel

But it can’t be me

I could never be such a hideous monster

Could I?

I was beautiful

They adored me and cherished me

They couldn’t have lied, could they?

How could anyone love such an ugly vessel of a person?

How could anyone love “me?”

As much as I want to turn away, as much as I want to avert my gaze, as much as I want to ignore the person on the other side, I can’t

I want to deny it, but I know the truth

The mirror would never lie to me

That “me,” that’s my true self

That’s my reflection

[nullifieddelusion]

Alcohol

Anger filled the room

It was bright. Almost too bright

The room was different then I remember it now

A couch on both sides of the room, no coffee table

Open, almost too open

It reeked of alcohol, of something besides the usual sweet smells of my mother’s cooking and candles

It was loud

So, very loud

Too loud. Too loud for a young child

I was three, I was scared

Why was my father yelling at my mother like this?

It was like he hated her

I can’t remember what he said, but I remember how he sat next to me, the anger radiating from his body

I had never known what this behavior was before, but in this moment, it was like I had known all along

Alcoholism

I sought my mother’s comfort

My mother, who sat across from us, on the other couch

I cried, and I tried to escape

I got up, and I tried to with with my mother

I cried her name

He grabbed my arm, he pulled me

He almost pulled my arm out of the socket

My arm still hurts when it rains

A painful reminder of his mistreatment of my mother, of me

I hate alcohol. I hate alcoholics.

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I wrote this for one of my classes. The assignment was to write about our earliest memory. I wrote it in paper— I thought it looked more emotional than just reading it typed.

[nullifieddelusion]

Theme (for AP Seminar)

Nostalgia’s narratives

Memory’s performance

Mother’s house

[nullifieddelusion]

Angry Footsteps

You may not recognize who’s upstairs by the sound of their footsteps

But I do

I always know

I have to know

If the steps are light and slow, I know that I should turn off my CD player and listen

I know it’s my mom, probably on her way to call me up for dinner

She has footsteps that sound gentle and caring

I’m not afraid of my mom, I love my mom

But if the footsteps are fast and loud, I get scared

I don’t like those angry footsteps

If I can hear his stomping, I run to turn off my lights, get in bed and pretend to be asleep

He can’t tell if I’m asleep or not

I’m usually safe if he thinks I’m asleep

But if I’m not careful, he knows

If I move too much, he can tell

So when I’m afraid I can’t sit still, I hide

I go to the yard lay down in front of the door so he can’t see me

I hide in the closet so he can’t find me

I lock myself in the bathroom so he can’t get to me

I cover my ears and tell myself it’ll be alright

He won’t be angry for much longer

But he always is

He’s always angry

He scares me

I’m scared of his angry footsteps

The sound of his heavy shoes banging against the floor of the kitchen makes me afraid

I’m terribly fearful of my father

[nullifieddelusion]

I’m a Person, Too

I’m a person, too, you know

You can speak to me like you speak to everyone else

I’ll understand what you’re saying

Even if I don’t, I’ll listen to you

I’m not stupid, so don’t treat me like I am

I’m a person, too

I have thoughts and feelings

My existence extends far beyond my appearance

I have hobbies, I have likes, I have friends

I have chores, I have dislikes, I have enemies

I have the same things that you do, don’t forget that

I’m just like you; I’m a person, too

I have strengths, and I have struggles

I’m a human who makes mistakes, and who can speak up for myself

If you can do it, I can too

Please, just this once, listen to me

I’m a person, too

[nullifieddelusion]

Siren Sweetly Singing Songs

Whisper sweet nothings in my ear while you hold me close

Envelop me in your love, kissing me with your soft lips

I want to be cared for by you, I want to feel like I’m yours

In this moment, our souls are intertwined as one

But don’t get too used to it; you aren’t special

None of them are, and they all know it

You’ll close your eyes and cover your ears, pretending that you don’t know what goes on when you aren’t around

I know that you only yearn for me, and I know the others do the same

No one can leave though; you’re all doomed to a fate of loving someone who doesn’t love you back

Why would I look for someone to genuinely love if I already get so much satisfaction from pretending to love others?

Everyone knows they can never truly be with me, they that I’ll leave them if they get too attached

I want nothing more then the feeling of being loved, I hate to be in love

All of you are the same, I know that I’ll be broken if I get too close

It’s happened once before, and I won’t let it happen again

Please, don’t point out my hypocrisy, I’m just trying to stay safe

I’m like a siren singing her sweet songs out to sailors

I’ll draw you in, and hurt you so you can’t leave me

I was once a sailor, and my lover was a siren

Never again will I be the sailor, I’ll never be hurt again

[nullifieddelusion]

Your Impulsivity is Not My Intrusiveness

You say that were similar because of our thoughts; they’re intrusive, difficult to tune out, and end up getting us both into trouble

It’s comforting to not be alone, so I open up to you about the thoughts that have been plaguing me

Yet as the words come out of my mouth, your face contorts in disgust

I ask why you’re so uneasy, unsure of what I said wrong, but it starts to make sense when you begin to speak

You tell me that your “intrusive” thoughts tell you to dye your hair blue, and that the thoughts could never tell you to hurt someone

In this moment, I realize my err in thinking I could confide my struggles in you

Your impulsivity is not my intrusiveness, you and I are not the same

You can control your terrible decisions, you can chose to not think those thoughts you dub as “intrusive”

But my intrusive thoughts haunt me

I can’t escape them, and they make me feel like a terrible person

I don’t want to hurt anyone, I don’t want to hurt myself, I truly wish I didn’t have those thoughts, and I wish I could explain that to you

So I sigh and tell you it was a bad joke, and ask that we forget I said what I said

I’d never wish my intrusive thoughts on anyone, but in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wish you spent a day in my shoes, trying to understand my struggles

[nullifieddelusion]

A Shower in the Dark

It’s gotten bad enough for me to realize that maybe I do need help

Since I was a little girl, I never liked how my body looked

All my friends looked deathly thin in comparison to me, so I thought maybe I was just fat

It wasn’t bad at first

It started off as taking an extra lap around the neighborhood before I came home from school to burn a few extra calories

When that didn’t work, I asked my parents if I could go to the gym

They were happy, they liked seeing that I wanted to take more initiative over my health, so they let me go

I lost a fair amount of weight, and built up some pretty decent muscle, too

But soon, it wasn’t enough anymore

I’ve seen fitness influencers cut bad things out of their diets, so I did the same thing

No more sugary foods, no more salty foods, no more fatty foods, nothing that wasn’t a textbook definition of “healthy”

It started to work again, I lost more weight

But I wanted more

I started to count my calories intensely

I ate but a fraction of the recommended daily amount of calories for a girl of my age and size

I spent every free moment at the gym, or walking around my neighborhood, or doing something to burn calories

I was starting to get deathly thin, way worse than the girls I had envied

And yet it still wasn’t enough

I knew that I had issues with my body, but I didn’t think they were bad enough for me to complain about

Until I tried to shower, and I almost threw up at the sight of my body in the mirror

Until every shower from that point on was one taken in the dark, with nothing but a candle on the side of my sink to dimly illuminate the room so I wouldn’t trip

I wish that I could show my younger self what she has become, so she’d learn to love herself sooner

That little girl would cry if she knew that she’d grow up to only be able to take a shower in the dark

I wish things could have been different

[nullifieddelusion]

At Least it Looks Cool?

When I was little, all my friends had their ears pierced

I asked my mom why mine weren’t pierced, and she said that she wanted it to be my decision, not hers

But when I told her I wanted my ears pierced, she said I was too young

She said I should decide later down the line, when I was older and more confident in myself

She didn’t want me to put holes in my ears if I wasn’t sure that it was what I truly wanted, because even if I took the earrings out, they’d leave scars

My mom didn’t want that scar to remind me that I wasn’t true to myself

Nonetheless, I asked every year, and my mom said no every time

By the time I was fourteen, some of my friends had even gotten their ears pierced a second or a third time

It wasn’t fair to me

This was what I wanted, or at least that’s what I thought

So when I turned sixteen, and my mom had told me yet again that it was too soon to decide, I screamed at her

I told her that I knew what I wanted, and she couldn’t dictate my actions any longer, and I left

I ran out of the house, and to the house of a girl whose opinions mattered too much to me

She listened to my cried, and handed me a piercing needle

She told me “do it.” She told me to pierce my ears, and take control of my life

I did it, and I hated it. I realized now why my mother hadn’t let me pierce my ears

It was painful, difficult to line up evenly on both ears, and the starter jewelry looked so ugly

I wish I listened. I wish I wanted till I knew what I wanted, and not what my friends wanted

At least it looks cool?

Or at least that’s what I tell myself every night, looking at the scars on my ears and wishing I hadn’t succumbed to everyone else’s opinions

[nullifieddelusion]

Punish Yourself

I was never a rebellious child

But when I started hanging out around my friends all the time, I started doing things I wasn’t supposed to

At first, it was walking into the next town over

It didn’t hurt anyone. I lived on the outskirts of my city anyway, so it wasn’t far

As long as I was with them, I was fine

Then I started going further into the city

I would start taking the bus because it got too far to walk to

No big deal, I know my way around the city

But then I began to go places I wasn’t supposed to

Dangerous places, illegal places, no place fit for a teenager

Not places best fit for me

It was fine. My mom didn’t have to know

Until she did.

Until my brother ratted me out, and told her where I was

I was scared. I knew I was never going to be allowed out again

I bit my lips till they were raw, and I clawed at my skin till it broke open and bled

I hurt myself so bad as I walked home, knowing I was going to be reprimanded when I got back

It was a long, long walk. I had taken the train earlier, but I forced myself to walk home

I wanted my feet to hurt. I wanted it to hurt when I walked

I needed to feel pain, because I knew what I did was wrong

I was never a rebellious child, and I hated being bad

When I got home and my mother took one look at me,

my skin still scratched open, my lips chewed into nothingness, my feet starting to blister and bleed, and my hair ripped out, all proof of my insanity

I was going mad, all because I was scared of what she’d do to me

But she just laughed in my face

She cackled at me as she said “I think you’ve punished yourself already,” and she slammed the door in my face

I walked around the neighborhood until my body gave out, because I didn’t think the pain I had inflicted upon myself was enough

As I walked further, starting to scratch through my flesh and at the bone, wearing my feet down into nothingness, and biting the little remains of my lips, I repeated the same words over and over

Punish yourself

Punish yourself

Punish yourself

I wish I punished myself more

I wish I didn’t act like a bad child

[nullifieddelusion]

The Little Girl with the Drums

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to dedicate my life to music. For my third birthday, my parents bought me a drum set, and by the time my fourth birthday rolled around, I had gotten pretty good at playing the drums. When I turned ten, my dad thought it was time I learned how to play the guitar, just as he had many years ago. He made many empty promises about spending time after work and on weekends to teach me how to play. Ultimately, I ended up teaching myself, but I wasn’t mad about it. It was just a small fork in the road, and having to teach myself didn’t mean I couldn’t be successful. I was still going to be the best musician out there someday. Around the time of my eighth grade graduation–I must have been about fourteen by then– my parents bought me a keyboard. I always thought pianists were pretty cool, but our house wasn’t big enough for a piano. The keyboard was nice, though; it was a really nice and expensive model. My parents thought that since I had been so great at playing the drums and the guitar, I would learn to be just as great with the piano, and they didn’t want me to be limited to the functions of a cheaper keyboard. It sounded like a heavy burden– I didn’t want my parents to be let down if I didn’t become an adept pianist, and I didn’t want them to think the keyboard had gone to waste– but I tried anyway. I sat for hours every day in front of the keyboard, playing my heart out. I had become better than I ever thought I would be. Throughout high school, I took a lot of music classes. All my electives were related to music, I was in the school band, I took intro to music courses whenever I had time, and at home, I spent hours playing all my instruments. I felt like I needed to prove myself to someone, to anyone, in high school. I learned to play so many more instruments, and eventually, my room was buried in instruments and musical equipment. I was so absorbed in becoming the best, I lost sight of myself. I lost sight of that little girl who wanted to be a musician because she loved music. All that was left was the shell of someone with a passion for music, and what emerged from it was someone who was only happy if she was better than everyone else. After high school, I broke completely. I had planned to go to college and major in music, and try to build a name for myself somehow, but I was too burnt out. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I knew my parents would be upset with my decision, and I wasn’t brave enough to handle their reactions. The night after my high school graduation, I left with nothing but my guitar, and the money I had saved from playing small gigs at parties and any bar that would allow me to play, despite being a minor. I didn’t know what I was going to do. No one knew what had happened to me. I just disappeared, never to be seen again. Until I met them…

[nullifieddelusion]

Not my typical post, but today, I got fish. Two of them are koi, which I’ve named Dex (orange accents) and Daina (completely silver) after the Vocaloids. I thought it would be nice to make a portrait of them with my oil pastels.

The gravel in my aquarium is pink and black because it matches my pink walls and Monster High decor.

I’m quite worried about Daina. The attendant at the pet store dropped her on the floor, and while she was doing alright when I brought her home, she’s started to display symptoms of Swim Bladder Disease. I hope she’ll be alright. My mother said that she can get me another fish, but that isn’t the point. It may have only been under a day, but she’s my fish, and she truly means a lot to me. We could never replace our dog if he passed, so likewise, I would never be able to replace Daina. But I’d like to keep my head held high. Perhaps I’ll write a short poem about Daina…

I think I’d like to make my blog about art in general, not just writing.

[nullifieddelusion]

Or Was I Just 12?

“Was I a bad person, or was I just 12?”

You were a bad person.

You got so used to getting attention for every little achievement, that you started to freak out when you got older and stopped getting as much attention as you achieved less things.

You strained yourself to achieve more again, and when that didn’t work, you acted like a total asshole to your friends.

You cut people off, and blamed everything on them when they did something to upset you.

Did you even give them a chance? Did you ever stop to consider that they could do better?

You were hurt by others, and that’s okay. You had it instilled in you that you had to push away anyone who showed any signs of possibly hurting you, and that’s alright.

But what you didn’t understand was that you couldn’t push everyone away. That’s why you ended up with no friends. That’s why no one liked you.

You fucked up so bad, but you didn’t want to accept it. Ever.

You were a horrible person, and you were 12.

Everything had to be done your way. Everyone had to cater to you. Everyone had to feel bad for you, and adore you, and if they didn’t comply with your every want, they were worthless to you.

You were manipulative.

You knew how to twist people and make them think their actions were of their own free will. You knew how to get people to fall right into your trap.

You knew that what you were doing was wrong, and you did it anyway because you liked attention.

You knew how to get every boy and girl alike to fall in love with you. You knew how to toy with their hearts and get them to show you undying love and affection, and you’d abandon them at the last minute when they got too close.

You feared abandonment, but in turn, you abandoned others. You feared betrayal, but you betrayed others.

You were a sickening 12 year old, and I hate you for that.

You sicken me.

You are utterly disgusting. You still are. You think you’ve changed? You still hurt people.

You still manipulate people into loving you to do your bidding. You still cut off everyone who doesn’t perfectly align with your views. You still crave undivided attention from everyone.

You want pity? You’ve gotten enough. It’s undeserved. You don’t get to be pitied anymore.

Why don’t you try to be more sympathetic to the people you hurt? The people you’ve damaged? The people you forced into things for your own gain?

You are a horrible person. You always were a horrible person. You were a horrible person and 12.

[nullifieddelusion]

I Wish You Cared

I wish you understood me a little more,

I wish you could see things through my eyes for once,

And I wish you would try to spend a day in my shoes

You always say that you want to hear everything,

You claim to want to know about my days,

Laughs to sobs, better to worse, beauty to pain,

But you’ve never truly said it,

For it is our actions that tell the truth, and not our words

You tell me that my pain is worth speaking up about,

But you paint over it with whines of your own pain

You tell me my day is worth hearing about,

But you pay me no mind when I want to talk

I’ve never felt truly valued by you, but you’ve always felt valued by me

I wish that I didn’t have to feel that way about you

[nullifieddelusion]

Snowflakes

As I step off the bus, the cold wind hits my face

I put my hands in my pockets, trying to warm them

Laughing with my friend as she throws snowballs at street signs, I’m overjoyed

I can’t hold back my smile as we walk down the road

Everything, for once, feels like it’s going to be okay

I look up into the sky, and I see the clouds in the air

The icy figures fall from the sky on me,

And I blink away the snowflakes from my eyelashes

I never want this feeling to end

[nullifieddelusion]

Embracement of the Unknown

I shook as I stared it in the eyes

It scared me, so, so much

Why was I here? Why was I doing this?

Did I really have what it takes to do it?

It was so much scarier to see it in person than to face it in my dreams

I didn't know that I'd actually be so cowardly

But I took a deep breath, and walked towards it anyway

I held my doll a little closer, and I stared it in the eyes again

I could see into its soul this time, and when I looked closer, I saw it

It was just as afraid as I was

Maybe I wasn't the only one who was scared

Maybe we're all afraid of each other

I set my doll down, and I walked towards it a little braver than I was

That thing, I realized that I needed to embrace it with open arms

That entity of the unknown, I understood

What I was afraid of wasn't the thing itself,

I was afraid of the person I'd be after I embraced it