nuturangel

[nuturangel]

05:19 // 3.7.24

I am far too tired to cry tonight.

My soul weeps for its missing half.

I hear you whisper “you will be okay, I promise to be back soon” . My organs ache, feels like the end of the line and the world is going to end once you step over the front door sill.

I might be.

I can be okay.

The emotional outweighs the logical fallacy. Once you lose someone, the trust has been broken and there is no going back. I cannot fathom that you will be back even when you return every time.

Watching the vintage glistening in the cyan water as I coast the many little avenues in this kayak, I ponder of how forever is held within its opaque chiseled body. A diamond in the rough some say and I agree; we are.

[nuturangel]

To be in love with me is equally a privilege and a malediction.

I fear there will always be too many who still love me or the idea of me but not Bec I love them too.

I take full pride in my talent: as well as the life my future holds due to choosing only one person and spending the rest of our lives together.

[nuturangel]

There for every one but who’s there for me?

[nuturangel]

I drank and I drank too much, I’m hopes that I can blame the alcohol for my mistakes and to give myself a reason to talk to you again but I held myself back. I didn’t call you, I didn’t text you, I went home and I went to bed and I feel like shit now and my organs are yelling at me Bec why the fuck did I hurt myself for you. You’re following girls all over and god knows what else and Youre still the same boy that doesn’t know how to love me 10/18/22 3:43am

[nuturangel]

Grief; I’ve kissed her hot lips and let her melt me into shapes I didn’t know existed and even though she still burns me ever time I remind myself that without her in me I wouldn’t withstand the coal under my broken feet. 10/17/22

[nuturangel]

It’s 6:44am and I hold off on hanging up; you’re fast asleep and your breathing is a calm repetition of all the wonderful things you said to me earlier that night. Not a melody but perhaps a feeling, a feeling of warmth and dark chocolate. 10/15/22

[nuturangel]

As the smoke filled your green eyes and the back of my throat started closing up again I remembered how much I really cared and how I never can again. 10/13/22

[nuturangel]

To go back and forth between the soft whisper of a blade and the Solemn voice of your most honest lies is to find relief in the pain it causes me. The paper towel makes my hair stand and my skin turn ridged and course and still, I let it. 10/13/22

[nuturangel]

Missing your warm touch and your strong grip, I miss your scent and how you were supposed to make me feel.

I miss how much I missed you before and I wish I never came to see you.

I wish you cared instead of just distracting yourself with pointless fishing or drinking.

I wish you loved me more than you’re capable of. 9/16/22

[nuturangel]

The number zero it taunts me (again)

Zero years.

Zero months.

Zero weeks.

Zero days.

Zero hours.

Zero minutes

Zero seconds.

And then the clock starts ticking and there goes 1,2,3,4,5 seconds …… 20 minutes…

3 hours, zero days, zero weeks, zero months, zero years.

Working on day one.

Addictions come in many forms and some are a lot harder to break, they come with piercing green eyes and a mischievous wide smile, they come with brown fluffy hair and big warm strong hands, they come with their own traumas and a broken heart that still beats just not for you. 9/16/22

[nuturangel]

I fantasize about walking away so often but I can never go through with it. As soon as he wakes up I’m no longer angry I simply pity the idiot I decided to fall in love with, I pity myself for always choosing the broken toys and try to fix and repair them like a toy maker. I’m not the toy maker and this isn’t the nutcracker darling, I ruin him more by trying to help him it seems and I still don’t get half of what I need. It’s all to easy to walk away when he’s miles away but as soon as he touches me or look into my eyes I melt and forget that It’s all a disguise, a mask, a facade to get me to stay as he keeps dragging my dull half dead body through the muddy gravel. 8.12.22 02:14

[nuturangel]

I thought I would have more time for you to love me but life can be cruel and take people away without any warming or explanation and let you play the fool for years wiping away your own tears and brushing your own knuckles and learning to love yourself day by day as you grow more and more sombre, yet each day you wake up again and one wonderful morning when everything seems off you rise and realize that it wasn’t all bad after all and in all a lesson can be learned of “a father and daughter who never got a second chance” 8.10.22

[nuturangel]

[nuturangel]

What if I end it all and don’t look back this one time. What if I give him the thing he’s been waiting for me to never do. To leave. To forget him what if i start being a whore again Bec I’ll never find an obsession as good as him. And men don’t compare to the idiocy and crazy he brought into my life making it all the more chaotic to simply breathe. What do I do? Where do I go? Who do I talk to?

[nuturangel]

Emotional bilge/bilge pump.

Just like a boat needs draining… my emotions stock up, piling up and filling my brain with chemicals and the longer I hold it the worse my body gets and eventually I drown in my own feelings. I must release my tears and drain my bilge to let my vessel float and function. 6/17/22

[nuturangel]

The craters on the moon like the crater near your iris unfold into a million slivers, in my eyes nothing can go wrong and you can never hurt me but you do hurt me. Again and again.

[nuturangel]

My heart churns buttery, bloody meat in the cavity that lie my kindness. It’s not empty but filled with worms and larva of those who’s hearts I’ve broken and those words I spoke too soon. I wish for the worms or become caterpillars and morph into beautiful butterflies to soar amongst the heavens souls.