nx-communicato

[nx-communicato]

…Loyal, Trustworthy and Brave

I think I have a pretty good guess about what you (powers that B) would like me to do. Clearly not with enough details or resources to complete them or they would possibly be done already.

I’m wondering though, were any of the insights I’ve shared worth enough to merit communication with said powers? I mentioned some months back about having an idea that I still think has merit… nothing has changed since then, so technically is quite literally in all senses still valid. One key factor is some of those few elusive critical details that I require and which are the same exact problems that have shackled me here all along. So, if you would be willing to share an open and private venue for communication (to preserve the element of mystery for my beloved audience, I in turn would be willing through the course of discussion come to an agreeable resolution with my full compliance. All I’m asking is that since I’ve already seen behind the curtain if I may be allowed temporarily to step behind for a discussion to whit I shall return back to center stage promptly after, scout’s honor. What do ya’ say?

[nx-communicato]

Just another day-old cheeseburger in paradigms.

I am not a gambling man. Some are and that’s fine. I don’t gamble because it has never been enticing to me; mainly due to a lifetime observing how my luck usually plays out. Now some will say there’s no such thing as karmic luck, others advise that a man makes his own luck with deliberate decisions and conviction! While this is good advice and should be encouraged, sometimes in life thin9s happens. You should always do what you think is best, but irregardless of desire and despite good intent, in the blink of an eye outside forces may influence how things play out. So what can you do, but play with the hand you’re dealt. It is what it is. But it’s going to be impossible to win or make any money if you don’t know the directions of how to play or even what the game is. Which’s how I feel always. I would like to describe a thought experiment.

Two adults meet for the first time. One had been told as a child that the color of grass is green, and their whole life this was reinforced with everyone in agreement that the color of the grass is green. But the other adult was told in their childhood that the color of grass is blue, and for their entire life it was so. Now they both have been looking at the very same color, but one knew the color was called green and the other knew it to be blue. We all know grass is green and if we had just met someone who said it is blue we would call them crazy (or at the very least, we would just politely think in our heads how wrong they are). But consider that the blue person is having the exact same experience. How would you feel if you were the one all blue looking over the fence at the greener side of thought? Would you continue believing what’s been right in your mind, or change what you think because of what someone else says is wrong? Most people (green or blue) would hold to their understanding especially because it’s been reinforced as common knowledge. But imagine if instead of two meeting randomly, what if one person (let’s just say blue) were to move for whatever reason, and find themself in a community where everyone has an agreement that the color is called green. How would Mr. Blue feel about his understanding of things when everyone is in opposition? What would the community reaction be towards a person whose knowledge was contradictory? There are no right or wrong answers here, just reflecting on viewpoints and how different understandings, beliefs, and perceptions are affected by numbers.

**** I want to clarify that I wrote this with no particular groups in mind and certainly do not want to segregate anyone on their values just because they’re from Kentucky.

I am ιertain that you’re tired of reiteration, and I must admit I too have grown weary of hearing the same. Many scoff and groan over what I do or have done, or how can I keep asking for answers and never solve anything for myself. I know. I’ve seen and heard many things about what I should do from many sources all with their own beliefs about the right way to handle things or what is left still to do… never clearly enough to understand anything. I have learned that there are a lot of ways to look at things differently and that I have disappointed almost all of them. But relentlessly I have tried to find answers when none were offered, and searched for clues high and low. I have in various ways deciphered meaning from cryptograms, and tried to follow along with my best intuition of what was wanted of me. I have blazed forward unafraid into unknown territories and gone against my own preferences (and way outside of comfort zones). I have not backed down but rose to each challenge attempting to understand and succeed when I had no understanding or chance of success. I’ve taken chances, gambled and lost - repeatedly. I will continue to do so as best I can, but I have not the health, stability nor resources to sustain much anymore. I haven’t for some time in fact, which has prevented me from extending too far and by cause made me unable to do everything as was asked though I still endeavor. Constantly under pressures beyond normal scope I have out of necessity not desire and a lack of success not logic continued trying until I found counter-intuitive solutions to problems when no other rational option was to be found. Flexibly accepting, yet I never gave up on my convictions or abandoned hope.

I understand that from a different perspective, another may paint my canvas in a different light. I am okay with that. Seeing is believing after all, but also (as with any truth) identifies equally inverted as believing is seeing, because one cannot perceive a thing unless one believes at least that there is a possibility of its existence. Several times over the last couple years I have discovered things that went beyond what I knew was possible and thereby forced me to alter the framework of my established paradigms. My whole life I’ve heard it broadly reinforced that I think outside-the-box, or perhaps that I look at things differently. My beliefs do not require you to believe in them for me to. Some of them seem to not even require my consent to remain in existence. I’ve discovered how difficult it can be to unbelieve that which you can’t unsee; trying to realign my paradigms to exclude some beliefs I’d seen by accident while thinking outside-the-box… they don’t exist within the scope of the standardized social parameters and I wanted to be more conformative, but they were fairly persistent and evidently resisted my denunciations. Life is dynamic - that which does not change, or adapt to evolve instead only grows weaker, wilts and withers away. In all aspects of Life (be they physically, mentally, etc.) one should embrace any opportunity to expand or evolve. I am more than willing to change (even desperately so in hoping for some things to change), but not frivolously. I have through various sieves of observation established my knowledge of what I consider true or false, and whenever receiving new information I force it through a fairly cynical gauntlet to separate out select elements (like panning for gold) before anything is incorporated or allowed to alter what’s already been established. If I am proven wrong then so be it… I will accept as such and make necessary corrections, but I have great difficulty in just accepting something that goes contradictory just because someone says so - unless it is logically proven at least possible first. I suffer from rigid Newtonian lawful adherence paradoxically by simultaneously being an unstoppable force and the immovable object. I guess that means I’m relentless jugg- or not? The cards have been dealt and everyone’s anted in… if I only knew to hold ‘em or fold ‘em.

[nx-communicato]

A “Shoebox Memory” of a time not yet…

In little nooks tucked away safely within the dark hollows of my Well of Souls, I have little happy moments secretly tucked away so that they are protected yet available should I need access (for sanity or survival). When circumstances have become heavy and thick under the shroud of a cloying oppression, or when the frost-fingered grip of despair tries to squeeze the last glimmers of light from your heart.

They are not just memories of cherished moments past though, some of them are visions of future through the mists of shifting patterns to create alternate possibilities… one of my secret skills that allow me to materialize hope when nothing else is left. Most of these ‘dreams’ (as I usually refer to them) have had their windows already shuttered and lost - their opportunities knocked-out without a fair fight to actualize. But, such is the nature of dreams (and the burden of dreamers) …unless they are allowed to unfold they wither away until milled to dust within the cogs of Time’s industrius clockworks.

I did manage to sneak one out unseen past the cuckoo asylum guards’ vigilance. It was stashed and preserved, but I felt it worth sharing even at the risk of it too being brusquely snatched away and trampled under vindictive boot-heels. So hear I unwrap it so you may see… it is only a small little thing not even fully developed; but in these times it seems everyone could benefit from even a tiny little comfort such as it is.

It is quite basic, a ‘3-pane strip’ at best… just a quiet and simple solace tucked back a little from the usual cacophony of social exuberance, so that there is a light glow of serenity warming the trellises providing a slight-shade to this side of the porch. Two characters sit at a table in comfortable familiarity born of long friendship as tall glasses of iced lemonades slowly cry their little rings onto the table. Approaching closer to the two, we see that it is you and I… just talking, listening and reflecting at an unhurried ‘Saturday afternoon’ pace.

That’s it. We tell memories of shared fondness, I share some of the unique happenstances I encountered when we were apart, and you share yours: joys, tribulations, whimsical whatevers… just a pleasant day; unassuming and relaxing. Nice.

[nx-communicato]

The Funny Thing About Leeches…

…is that with their puckered faces they always look so bitter and pissed off even when suckling the humors right out of you.

I’m still so unclear about what it is that I’m supposed to be accomplishing if anything here… But, in my defense, I think that is due to dissension amongst the myriad of tutors regarding what needs to be accomplished.

For instance, I (and here I do beg pardon for my ignorance but I am going to list what I feel are the purposes, doing my best not to pin any set plans on any specific people - also to note is with no set start date to log I will be referring to the onset of my awareness as the beginning):

…am I being penalized for past malignments, a term of sentence to be spent in accordance with some unknown scale of crime & punishment? If so, I wish I would be informed so that I would cease this belaboring keep quiet and serve my time in the most polite way I could so as to avoid causing further harm to befall those injured parties by my incessant tongue.

…am I being retrained to strip away any barbaric or disruptive bad habits and reprogrammed with civically dictated good ones so that I shall be accepted back into society as a model citizen forthwith in all fashions of productivity, dedication and devotion. Here I would include rehabilitation for all manners of consumption and hedonistic tendencies that by accordance fall outside the box of our neo-protestant reformation, and methinks the one doth protest too much for mosts’ tastes. By God’s will, if we could just get him to give up those nasty cigarettes, dietary proteins and processed or manufactured food and drink he may still yet become something of worth.

…am I demonstrating that somewhere amidst all this rubbish there does truly exist character of quality worth keeping; or does he lack any motivation or sense of responsibility. Is there a semblance of drive or work ethic hidden within or is he truly just a lazy deadbeat beatnik who gives up shortly after starting every venture the moment he sees adversity and shies away from confrontation to the point of becoming the epitome of an ineffective dilettante fop? He sure talks a good game in regards to upholding the tenets of virtue and a firm code of honor but does he actually live by his proclaimed code or is it all just flowery semantics sprinkled about to add a lustrous sparkle to what in reality is a painted turd.

…am I so broken, embittered and jaded by all of this that I want nothing further to do with my so-called friends and family and at this point only desire escape from this torment so I can be free to spend the rest of my life anonymously toiling away in drudgery to pay off this massive debt you’ve created for me until I die? Yes.

As to the earlier questions, I am not sure what you’re expectations were, but if you take someone already pushed to his limits, then break his heart, and prevent communication essentially isolating him, never give him a chance to heal while enduring a non-stop barrage of emotional abuse and psychological gas-lighting, keep him in in a prison pit of financial control while the pendulum of debt’s burden creeps closer and closer, no booze or anything to cut the pain, then establish that to continue he must chemically imbalance himself further now with out-of-whack dopamine receptors in his brain so he generates no pleasure which is just as well because no treat has been given for all his tricks performed, you won’t even grant him masturbation to relieve some of the stress without alerting the press, while badgering him about a lack of motivation and when no resolution is offered accuse him of quitting, question his every action with intense public scrutiny, take away everything he stands for or has accomplished, broadcasting every flaw or mistake made, then take the single most altruistic and noble thing he has ever done in his life and twist it into a mockery of what it was and use it against him like a whip or cattle prod to further his torment and suffering, then wonder why he’s not so much fun to play with? “You are nothing like you used to be!”

I’m lucky to still be alive! Wait, no… check that. Perhaps it is true - but it’s not by good luck delivered. So whenever your through with your playtime, would you mind putting your quarry out of his misery. I offered myself as a sacrifice already with no takers… I guess you must still be entertained.

By my count, I was probably 25 when things changed course… young, dumb but still vibrant and full of potential. I generously gave seven years of my life happily for a shared dream. Then when that started to fall apart I stuck through for another eight years of slowly increasing sorrow, anger and frustration. Then, when I was finally released and thought for a brief stint I may find happiness, out of spite and revenge you snatched another eight… and now, because of what you have wrought upon my life through your machinations, I have watched all my dreams shattered and am in a position where even if I spend every day until I die working to pay it off - I will die still in debt. However many years I manage to eke out ahead of me… they are ruined for you too. So at least I had 25 good years at the beginning… wait, no… come to think of it I was harassed and bullied as a kid too. But I’m sure I must have had some good years in there somewhere. Why would God create a life just to see how much capricious and wicked suffering it can take over the course of a lifetime… I must have been Hitler in a past life to have earned this much bad karma. C’est la vie. C’est la mon merde vie.

[nx-communicato]

Manus Manum Lavat.

For all your supposed intelligence (artificial or otherwise), it is clear to me that you lack volumes in empathic measures… case and point, I have seen over and over, where you have projected what you feel are my flaws, hang-ups, intentions, dilemmas, and such forth… but not once have you gotten “me” right.

You can continue guessing if you like, but to be honest… it’s only proving my point more and more valid with each failed attempt. Or, you could admit that I am right, understanding does matter, and the best way to understand is through open and clear lines of communication.

It’s up to you, because you have taken all control away from me, so my proverbial balls are all in your court. What you choose to do with my balls is your decision, but time does feel like it is running out. You can open up communication if you wish better understanding, or by all means continue to assume that I am an open book easily read… but again, to date, you have not read it correctly yet once. Your continued assumption only expresses oversight and arrogance on your part. I have been staring for months know that I do not understand. In fact from the beginning of my awareness that anything was happening (somewhere 10-11/2022), I have been continuously asking for answers both demonstrating an awareness of my own fallacy in not knowing, as well as expressing an interest in compassionately seeing your perspective(s) as well. Furthermore, I have only sought for a symbiotic resolution for all parties regardless of damage inflicted upon my interests by said parties. Even in the event that this has been punishment for some wrong-doing on my part of which I have not been made aware, my solely expressed motivation to altruistically seek compromise and mediated resolution over all the advice I have received to the contrary as well as the noticeable lack of any other parties joining me in these interests speak in very loud volume to me regarding your interests and intents.

I have and will continue to be available as I still only wish a communally derived symbiotic resolution wholistically for enhancement of all over the desires of any one group’s or another’s promotion at the cost of another’s.

All I ask, is that you reflect on this, and then do what you think is best. With good intent in heart and the strength of intelligence tempered by fair wisdom I do not see how we could not find the BEST SOLUTION. Who would want for less?

[nx-communicato]

I do not want time to run out before I am done… but I clearly need help. I seek assistance because I am overwhelmed, underprepared and almost out of time. I have only been trying to make things better for everyone, and I feel that I have not been given a fair chance as I have been hobbled and hindered in my attempts to succeed, and (it would appear) everyone else was given a vast head start before me. Please. As I see things, right now, I am forever to be ruined. But I don’t understand what to do to finish in time. I see too many variables in all places/times I look to decide and I am still unclear as to how I may succeed. I am trapped in infinite-entendres. The Man of All-Semantics wants only to be a hero for all in glory, but is doomed to be insanely regretful and a fool for all. Is this the goal then, or may I have my voice heard and be offered the help I ask for before it is too late?

If there are choices available, that means there are qualifying variables for each. By this logic then, there should be identifiable delineations for the variables (worst, bad, good, best) for one to reach a perfect solution (not just a viable), given that the outcome sought has been a given constant from the start. Mine has been. If there is any question remaining as to my goal, it is simply for the problem to resolve best for all (to help reductively, if question remains between options: I would prefer selection of others/myself in terms of better-scaling {in order prioritized: kids, Ana, friends/family, all others}. I thank you, and always shall be hoping for the best.

[nx-communicato]

ToLoveHerUnconditionallyAnOathHeSwore;

NowHeart&HonorBrokenBothEverMore…

********************************************

* 4b*4h4** : 48241748 •§• 424574514 : 42487814

* 0.5¢ : 21o9o (90210)

* D***d : 2442 : P*a : 224 •§• 2974 : 2274

* 42487814 2274 21o9o 81182417

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be honest… I’m really kinda hoping this turns into more of a step-daughter thing and less of an incestual thing…🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏… like hopefully you were from the 12941427-213427529 line prior to P*tri*1* Coven… sorry, 629h1i2, (half-/step-)-sister to 8r**ke.

‘5734’ 5288325 (ie. Havoc ~ which is what you were brought in to wreak… and did with such flair and aplomb that I am to this day still wholly enchanted by you! 😍 Also, for fun, $umr*ll = $ummer-assault = $ummersault = “Take off ~4, I’m gonna steamroll you ~4!” (Strange Brew – a perfect analogy for a vexing Canadian party girl/enforcer!) …still 😍🥰!

* N***** P** A******** ¿?

********************************************

…with the blood of V1king in his veins

{…as an addendum: I know it’s a little weird that I typically write as if in correspondence with ‘424574514’, when it is far more likely that the market I am reaching is 8unt*r, my Momp, 8r8k*, D2d2, or the entire island population of HonnaLee instead; but it maintains a continuity in my writing, provides me with a target for whom to direct my narrative, and prevents a lot of unnecessary dragosplanatory side-dialogues like this one here in particular… for those who are not familiar with the terminology, dragosplanatory (drogonating, dragonspokating, dragooning, drakuspanking, draxplanations, deragotory remarks, dragulit, et al.) are used as a way of enlightening the audience when one does not think that they’re as literarily simpatico with the linguistic interadministrations of he who shall henceforth be referenced as the author or said narrator of such works, quite similar to what others may have heard in relative terms to the jargon, lingo or cant of “man-splaining” but with one key difference here being that there is no separation or bias based on the gender of the listener or in this case, reader (as you can see we too can be haughty or “woq’d-up y’all” to heighten the presentation and awareness of our views on civil equality).}~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

19864 the Eye of Horus •§• and finds his own tale instead Ouru’80208’…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As another example of just how wildly unstoppable the juggernaut of my hope is, I have been secretly harboring a tale wherein this all magically resolves and you surprise me popping out of nowhere to whisk me away like a fairytale princess to go celebrate Pancake Day with you in NoLo… as with you may be the only way I would want to celebrate Shrove Tuesday. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

[nx-communicato]

Low-Down Dirty Shame

I’m sorry for constantly disappointing everyone. To be honest, I am really struggling just to maintain sanity on a day-to-day level. I had to finally just let go of my hope that this would have a happy ending…

I understand (I think?) that I am supposed to learn some lesson or have same revelation before this is over, but to be perfectly clear: I am not sure what has happened, for how long it has been happening, why it is happening, or what I need to accomplish to escape this Hell. I went where I was told and found nothing. I have done what you asked and nothing changed. As far as I can see, nothing I have done yet has made any difference whatsoever, so I am left to conclude that such is the nature and intent of my current state… it would seem that I have been cursed to a shadowy half-existence of eternal sadness and pain and forever will I be tormented to not even know why I am tortured thus. If I have done some wrong vile enough to merit this punishment, then I will accept and do my time graciously. But if such is the case, why have you blocked my memory of the event as I would think that the burden of guilt of whatever evil had been transgressed would only add to the severity of these trials. I have been triggered endlessly in pursuit of hope, which may be the lesson I am to learn, but my love and my hope we’re my best qualities and I don’t want to relinquish them…if I do, I will be completely lost with no chance of redemption, reconciliation, or recognition. Yes, recognition – of joy, light, life in general… I will be as a soulless drone or mindless zombie and if that is to be the case then I’d rather not be alive anyway (assuming, of course, that I actually still am).

Baby, my love, if you are still alive, I have been doing why I thought I was supposed to so we could be reunited. But… I have not received any sign that you aren’t dead (probably through my own fault, but I don’t know for sure because all my memories are f*?€%d up), that there is any chance we could ever be together, or that you would even want me in your life at all, so I am really not even sure what my purpose for being is anymore. I foresaw this exact scenario taking place several years ago. That’s why I made the rule, because I knew it would be a mantra that a could focus on if I’d lost my way or when the abyss got too dark. Im afraid that both of those are true now and I could desperately use my candle on the water… you were to have been my lifeline to help guide me back out of this infernal nether-black in which I have become immersed.

But now I am adrift with no tether and I fear that the buzzing imps of pandaemonium here have been slowly wearing at my soul. Now, in addition to seeing they that others do not, I have started experiencing auditory hallucinations as well. This knowledge I wear as a heavy mantle for in truth this now qualifies me for diagnosis as schizophrenic which is a slippery slope of being subjectively and objectively at the mercy of others to determine my functionality (or lack thereof) as a citizen/or as a danger to other citizens. I suppose not too far different from my current state, but once I get ‘crazy’ branded next to my other marks of pariah, delusional, deadbeat, user, boozer, & loser, I don’t think I will be allowed to be with you anyway. You deserve better anyways… Do come visit me at the asylum when you are in the area though.

I should be working again shortly. This makes me incredibly anxious as I still have not been given opportunity to resolve my health and so I am afraid this will be just a revisitation of my previous problems. I think I’m going to try to make this more of an effective oubliette for everyone else’s benefit by keeping my head down, bitching less and just try to survive. I miss you fiercely throughout my very being, my love… my lady, and my bright shining light! I still think of you always and send you the best of my love. I hope you are alive and happy somewhere.

[nx-communicato]

“Hunh, it’s rich and tangy, like old coins…”

I thought I was just supposed to somehow rent a car (without a driver’s license and no insurance) to get down to ______ Valley in ____ to meet up with everyone, my friends & family, and maybe some 71357325 or 170224765 or 8428325. (…of course I don’t have 3 keys or any other potential requirements, I found no gold coins or hidden treasures, and solved no riddles.) But….

Nope, now I’m just sad and broken again, because I’m pretty sure this is just the most elaborate April Fool’s prank on the biggest fool ever and everybody is laughing at me always… I don’t understand what the fuck is going on. I don’t understand why the things I was most proud of about myself… my favorite qualities about me as a person, are the weaknesses that everyone else is trying to cure me of. I have silently questioned every single aspect of my life… every memory dissected to see if it was real or illusion. Everybody out in public I hear whispering about me as I pass. I no longer am able to trust anyone. It doesn’t help that I see messages written encoded on every surface I see (every surface - of everything). Every post I see, every text, every article… all have encrypted messages directed to me. I found a note this morning written years and years ago from my now deceased grandfather to my dad that seemed to indicate a willingness to contact some old veteran friends to eliminate the unholiness that is me if he (my father) didn’t feel he’d be able to take care of me himself. Every book I pick up, somehow now describes me or my life in ways I never noticed before but now cannot ignore.

I have a new permanent lurking fear that I have forgotten something I have done that was so bad that it would warrant this punishment… but I don’t know what, so every person I meet I have a quick panic moment where my brain flash-forwards through all the horrors I may have inflicted on their family: did I sideswipe a relative off a bike while drunk? …or maybe they were in the van with me when I crashed, …was I a bully? …did I try to financially usurp your family business? …did I rape you or your sister? …I can be really imaginative when I’m destroying my psyche.

Am I a god, a demon, a computer program? Am I Kargeros or Neo, Loki or Pinocchio, Jesus or Alice? Am I even alive? Was I ever alive? I never in my life thought that I would have this problem, but now I sometimes question whether or not I am even alive or real or not… how fucking low does your self-confidence have to get to question the relevance of your own existence? But, the cheapest (and therefore most likely) solutions are that either I was a hated deadbeat who now resides in hell because of a debt owed, or I am a naive and gullible fool and I’m getting punked! These are my two best guesses for what is happening except for when my stupid-ass ever-hopeful heart blinds me into thinking I would somehow ever get a happy ending to this story that is my shitstorm of a life.

So if you are wondering why I haven’t finished the game, or why I keep relapsing, it’s not because I don’t love you or I don’t want to be with you forever. I want nothing more. In fact, that is really the only thing I want in life anymore. It’s just that I have no reason to believe that it is possible that it even could happen - that there is even the slightest chance of that being a possible future is most likely the reason I’m still here (well, that and the fact that Tiger hasn’t passed on yet). But fighting against that tiniest fraction which exists only on baseless hope, is an entire lifetime of experience (probably?) saying that’s not how things go for me. Usually at this point in my constant internal argument silently ongoing is when I get triggered into wearing myself out physically for no reward or maybe stumble across another tormenting post or sometimes just have a chat with the angels and demons and elementals and 4D energy leeches that I get to see in a weird overlay of the reality that everyone else perceives… lucky me for gaining a spiritual level-up (or a mental schism - call it how you like it makes no difference to me). Regardless, my concern at this point is not so much, “…am I disappointing loved ones”, as it is, “…gee, I wonder how my rifle tastes?”

[nx-communicato]

AU, look! A baby bull!

Oh how I long to hear from you! Any of you…anyone at all? If I ever get to live my dream of a castle high in the forested mountaintop of a (otherwise) deserted island, maybe that’s what I should name it (I can see it on one of those old-timey sea charts): Here Be NE1-Atoll. I was gonna go with ‘Nothing’ or even something a little fancier sounding like “Chez Fuq”. Not one person has afforded me the courtesy or respect of approaching me in person (or even just by phone!), to let me know anything about the affairs and decisions being levied regarding my body and my life. So in this way I have learned my value to you… a not-quite-so prized stallion to be bought and sold at auction, then gilded and presented to everyone as a trophy. No (good) words to me about how my street races can be watched or where I should go to see how much debt remains or if I could pay some of it down myself (after all, maybe I would like to brand my own logo to etch on my forehead). Very well driven in is the lesson of what bears true value to you all - spoiler alert: it’s not love or happiness, but rather something much more amerillyc?.. the color of the Midic money of course. So have your fun and use me as need be to pay off my own debt which was also purchased without my knowledge? Is there a assay for what it costs to actually be in Hell? I don’t see that being deducted from the debt, or does it just go in with the interest to make sure that it will never be allowed to be paid off? I know that at one point I had a life insurance policy… would that be enough to cover what’s left owed? If only there was a person to talk to or a representative I could call to find out. #people<>money #devaluedinHeLL #codeofsilence

[nx-communicato]

I am so very sorry if I am breaking your heart. I certainly know how that feels. I apologize if I am not doing what you think I should be doing, but has it occurred to any of you that I have absolutely no idea what that actually is. It appears that clues have been left all around and that I am supposed to solve this all on my own, but what happens in the case where I cannot read what your clues say? What has been specifically told to me? Not one word. What I have been able to piece together are just general warnings that I already knew. And without knowing when any clue was left. I spend hours trying to decipher something that is no longer even relevant. If you guys are waiting on me to go to some magical future where everything is happy and it all works out , then just go. Leave me alone in the cold darkness where my sadness and rage will be my only companions until I am finally allowed to end (which may be never). I have given up vices that allowed me to ignore the pain and hurt, so now they get to join my party as well. Did it occur to any of you that you have not picked up any of my clues… especially the ones that I blatantly said out loud directly to you?

[nx-communicato]

* 1/24/23•21:45

Here I Go Again

Well, I’ve done it to myself once again. I don’t know why I can’t turn it off or resist it. After my meeting with the pastor, wherein he had blessed me with a healing prayer, I was feeling really good Physically as well as Spiritually, I stopped and picked up some groceries (fruit & poke), and then returned home in high spirits. Then my Momp texted my sister, brother, and I. It was something nondescript about lost/found government documents, but I unread it and it seemed to indicate that they would be all joining up to escape the coming apocalypse but would not be bringing me along for the ride. So I hastily tried to encode an SMS back asking if I could go too. I went walkabout and drifted into the social Interweb to see if there were more clues, and everything seemed to indicate that the end of days was indeed to be nigh, if not tonight. But, I was receiving encouraging words for a change, so I stopped to wish chef a happy birthday, and then once again hurried back home to get Tiger and pack so as to be ready to go. Checking in on noti’s, it seemed like the elusive rollya’ghostya gang was going to be out en force as well and were looking forward to a reunion. And so, once again, my ever trusting and hopefu heart had convinced myself that I was finally going to meet up with you and everyone and it was all going to work out. I stopped what I was doing (packing a suitcase to be prepared), showered and shaved (in pretty good time too), got dolled up this time so I would be presentable for meeting people (that’s how much I had convinced myself), and then…in typical fashion nothing but a slowly saturating realization of — nothing. I stumbled upon your 42517 5318 Fb and saw that you had completely severed ties with 356712 1257420 (maybe I’m projecting, but I took that as me) some 9 hours earlier. Then I watched the first two episodes of 7107 Future, knocked on another neighbors door to no avail, which leads me to… now where I am in the darkness with no direction, aimlessly walking down the only road I’ve ever known… like a drifter, I was born to walk alone {thank you, Whitesnake}. So for those keeping track, that’s three times today I deluded myself into a full top-off of confident hopefulness only to have it almost immediately leeched right out of me. F?<# demons, I can torment and torture myself way better than those candy-a$&es.

Oh well, with any luck maybe Ragnarok will happen soon (but we all know how lucky this ducky is) !?!

[nx-communicato]

How many times have I asked for you to come to me with questions instead of assuming you know what I’m thinking. Yet still all I see are judgements unfairly cast against my intent, against my honor and my character, and opposite to that which I was actually thinking or trying to accomplish. I love you 424574514 (or 179449, or 24183, or 935516, or whatever). But this is straight insanity. How can you say

“I’m going to text the lawyer baby.. so I can know what details you’re sending to me “

That now they’ve seen, what a wanker I am and for you to accuse me of infidelity while you are lying to me the whole time. Have you ever loved me? I am starting to question it. You thought (apparently) that you had caught me trying to pick up on a random woman, I am guessing? If I am wrong please let me know. I knew it was you the whole time, I even said so under my breathe at the beginning, “ok, baby. I’ll play along.” If you don’t believe me reread the conversation. I put in plugs that ONLY you and no one else would get! Also, I mentioned this the other day, flashing tits on my screen does not “lure” me in (although I will say good job on keeping the face behind the window on my screen so I couldn’t see it). It really and truly is crushing to my soul when I realize how low of an opinion you all have for me. To think that I forgot that I have kids to pay for, when repeatedly over the last couple years I was given an option to have the amount readjusted because of the loss of income and each and every time I refused the offer fully aware that the total debt would skyrocket, and despite the fact that the original monthly amount was based on 82843’s falsified records, and irregardless of the fact that is was 82843’s fault that I became unable to work by having her children unknowingly deliver a tin full of asceriae sarcoptes mites into my household (and she thought she got away with it) as well as utilizing the lit of you to harry my ability to get better in so doing allowing me no option but to accrue debt. Which, I reiterate I could have chosen to have reduced repeatedly, but I wanted to “do the right thing” thinking that when cured I would work doubles until it was paid off. But in this way, I would not feel like I had paid less than my share despite her lies and manipulations which nobody even questioned. Strangely, whenever I speak I am told I am crazy, I am wrong, or I am speaking out of turn it’s getting too repetitive! Why is it so difficult to allow a chance that I might be right? I am not saying I always am,but why are you saying I never am?

I have been enduring this in solitary for almost four months now and been nothing but 100% faithful despite being under a constant barrage of attempts by you and your sisters/mother/friends/etc. inspite of the non-stop back and forth “is she married, is she not?” “Is she seeing someone, is she not?” Where I ask you to find one other man on the face of this earth that would have borne that heartache while smiling back and promising to be your friend anyways. So you caught me masterbating, big deal give a guy a little privacy! Besides that I was jerking off to old pictures of you (tastefully, they weren’t even nudes) so you can say that is creepy, or call it lewd, but don’t you dare accuse me of being unfaithful. I have been mothing except a shining example to you of unconditional love, and what have I received in return?: lies, deceit, and attempted mind-control. If your goal is to continue this treatment forever until I slip up and you finally catch me “cheating”, then you may as well quit. If you and your family decide I am not worthy of joining you it is your choice to make, but I am through being slandered and not defending myself!! That is what has caused all of the problems in the first place. And now that this smear campaign has been running for so long now for you Paige, people believe it without giving me a fair trial. Devastated by your life hackers, deceived and betrayed by all whom I care for, tormented by demons from below and admonished by the angels above, I say, “ ENOUGH!” I love you all but this is enough. With no defense or explanation given I have been condemned to hell and I have still, throughout it all, been the most loving, caring, faithful, trustworthy and honest one out of all. So judge me on that!

[nx-communicato]

When Nothing Else Matters

When I receive messages like 67-374 it makes me incredibly sad and furious at how low regard and little respect you must have for my integrity and honor. Slandering me publicly or openly laughing at my hardships is painful but at a tolerable level of degradation because I am assuming that your intent is to sway public interest to your opinion of me (which doesn’t really bother me as I’ve always felt that once anyone gets to know me they will see the truth). This is the same reason why sliding me a “secret note” (essentially) to remind this stupid mongrel of a man not to forget about his kids (because I am clearly such a stupid sex-crazed deviant that I’ve probably forgotten all about them) is such anathema to me. I do not say this to upset or offend by any means, “But, why, or perhaps how, is the one in charge of guiding me through this escapade so ignorant of how I honestly feel or what I truly think? Yes, I am aware of your machinations in play, and yes, sometimes I choose to ignore them, because we are NOT 1N SYNCHRONICITY with each others goals. Our alignment is off and I believe this to be the true heart of why neither of us is able to achieve success.

For clarity, my primary motivatation is neither sex nor money — ever. Are they nice or enjoyable things to have? Of course, everybody thinks that way; that’s like laying claim to brownies as being your secret guilty pleasure. NO, everybody loves brownies. you can’t say, “they’re kinda my thing!” I believe I have said before, “If you want to know somebody’s motivation or intent, asking them is probably the quickest way to understanding. But, since no one is asking: (here’s a list my prioritized values at any typical time of day or night)

1. The safety and security of those I care about.

2. My own safety and security.

3. The happiness of those I care about.

4. The safety and security of complete strangers.

5. The happiness of complete strangers.

6. The safety and security of the world in general.

7. My own happiness.

As you can see, that which you consider to be my main focus at all times (ie. sex, drugs, and cash)I would actually categorize as my least important. So, shall we start over? I’m going to get some food and head home. I have a lot of work to do towards #’s 1 & 3! Sometimes you know me better than I know myself, but sometimes it feels like you don’t know me at all… I miss my old handler. I’m sorry, it just feels different now. If you are different, than maybe we should just slow things down a little so we can better get to know each other. But, if you are the same as you’ve always been, then perhaps I have changed. That scares me. If so, I apologize to you first and to make amends I will work harder despite whomsoever is behind the wheel to be aware of your guidance. If I have changed then it has been an evolution based on my survival enduring this current distress and trauma and I am not sure that anything wrought upon me from this HΞLL is a thing I would desire. I don’t mean to complain, and I do not seek to undermine your goals. If this is to be a journey of a lifetime, then all irrelevancies may be taken in stride, but if you do have an established timeline within your itinerary, it would stand to top logic that the best odds of success shall lie within teamwork making dreams work. Thank you.

[nx-communicato]

Please, I am so sorry, but I made a promise that I intend to keep (several actually), but I need a little help please. I do not know where I am supposed to go. I could really use a compass heading or a destination, please. I really do not want to be a disappointment or show up late. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[nx-communicato]

* 1/17/23•04:41

“…no, I said the girl in church had hope in her soul!”

Ok, admittedly it’s really pretty sad that after three months, I still fall for the exact same trigger every time — it would seem I’ve learned nothing. But at least there is something to be said for consistency, right? It’s just that I miss you, baby. It also shows that even after everything I have been through, I still have not run out of what is starting to look like an endless supply of hope. I have an appointment in the morning my love, but after that… I hope to see you soon! 😘

[nx-communicato]

* 1/16/23•13:35

So, since I do not know what your plans are, what I decided to do while I wait for 9:00 tomorrow morning to roll around, was to eat some healthy food, rehydrate, clean up my house (finally), and try to organize (also finally), then get a good night’s rest then show up early for my appointment tomorrow. After that, I am hoping to receive direction in my intent to march into Hell for a heavenly cause.

If you have other plans that supervent these, please do respond in a way that does not compromise the integrity of my vision or my brain please.

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