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We looked inside some of the posts by nynightmare and here's what we found interesting.
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I think i wanted to be wanted. I didnt care about being loved. I wanted to feel someone just want me to validate my existence and tell me i was someones. I had no regard for my emotions my soul my sense of self. I wanted to exist as someones object, to validate my existence. I didnt care how old they were what relationships they had whether they were involved, single, out.
When they touched me. When they used me when they spat smacked me refused to listen to my no's, i felt real. I went through so much of my life denying who i was refusing to build deep connections. That just feeling wanted was all i needed.
But im no longer mist. Im solid i know who i am and realize that even if i dont find external love i have found my internal love.
I no longer shrink go mute and police my mennerisms i am who i am and i think it took almost a decade to realize that.
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Lately i feel as though 2022 will be a year of metamorphosis for me, im changing and i feel it. I feel myself calming down and focusing on the future. Seeking love and friendship whereas before i thought these two thing to be frivolous. Who needs new frinds when i already have old ones who needs love if i dont love myself. Im entering this year realizing i am deserving of love. I am deserving of growth and moat importantly i am deserving of success. Lately ive been gravitating toward this quote from memorial
"“That loving a person means letting them change when they need to. And letting them go when they need to. And that doesn’t make them any less of a home. Just maybe not one for you. Or only for a season or two. But that doesn’t diminish the love. It just changes forms.”
while i will always miss and love my past friends its time to accept a new life where they will no longer play a part. I am claiming growth and self worth this year and nothing will stop me
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"I was learning that sometimes you had to let go of the people you loved.
Because if you didn’t, you’d live all your days in sadness. You’d fill your heart with the past. And there wouldn’t be enough room left for the present. And for the future. Letting go—it was difficult. And it was necessary. Necessary—there’s a word."
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I forgive him, i still love him. But i don't respect him and I feel as though thats a horrible way to think about a father. I see him in my dreams and theres an anger that overtakes me. I get violent in my dreams and everytime i try to hit him, inflict pain on him it doesnt affect him. Its as though whenever my fist touches him it becomes limp. I feel qs though theres a duality that lives inside me the side of anger thqt demands retribution for all the pain hes inflected on us and theres me, the kid that still calls him papi even though im 23 theres the side that wonders if hes ok if he's sad or if hes found happiness. Its that side that stops me from hurting him in real life and in my dreams. I wonder if ill ever be able to forget about him, ocean vuong put it beautifully i think; When can i say your name and have it mean only your name and not what you left behind. When can i say papi and have it only mean father and not the dream thats abandoned me?
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That loving a person means letting them change when they need to. And letting them go when they need to. And that doesn’t make them any less of a home. Just maybe not one for you. Or only for a season or two. But that doesn’t diminish the love. It just changes forms
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We saw each other again and i realized that we arent compatible. Not in an amourous way. We vibe as friends and i think i was hust so attracted because ive never known that type of vjbe and im glad we met again i feel cleared and im happy
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It happened slowly and painfully but im done. I stopped thinking about you and im indifferent towards you now. Uou missed out i wouldve been the best thing you ever had.
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I mever understood or felt the words love me choose me be with me more than i feel them now as i sot on this bar know ik ng that your feelings toqard me are filled with antipathy and my feelings for you still burn in my soul and wait for a message from you or a single view
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