nyxopenjournal

[nyxopenjournal]

I really wonder sometimes how long it would take people to forget me. And I find myself wanting to ask how I can be better so that maybe someone will find me worth being around one day. And I wonder what people do to be normal and make others feel like they're worth being around? I don't know how to get people to like me. In the past I've just been lucky I guess so now when I try and it goes nowhere I can't help but think that's why everyone does end up leaving. I know I'm not interesting or good at anything or have anything to offer so it's rare that I even try in the first place bc who wants to be around someone with nothing? And I know I have nothing. I see everyone around me and even online. Even if they don't have it all put together, they have ppl there to support them and help them through it and encourage them to keep going and just hang around in a non serious way to just be a friend. I just wonder why I'm not capable of having that? Why I'm not worthy enough to get it or keep it when I was able to have it. Why isn't anyone willing to bear my cross with me? I'm self loathing rn, I'm aware lol. It is what it is. And like I'm not unreasonable. I know it's no one's job to do or be anything for me. Logically I understand that and that's why I try to cope with it. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I break. I can't lie about that. But that's no one's problem. I have to deal. I try to just acknowledge and understand my place in someone's life and move accordingly. I can't expect anyone to do anything they don't want to do. That's unfair. They just end up overwhelmed and I'm hurt. Nobody wins. So I just make myself scarce and leave it be. It's better. I try hard not to do too much or say too much or ask for anything. Bc I know I'm a lot to deal with, especially if I get scared. So I just try not to get to that point. But getting there with no one means I can't build any connections. And it's hard to cope with every fiber of Your being telling you that you desperately need companionship when you know that no one wants you around. There's a huge disconnect. Like that part of me refuses to believe it's not possible despite me running through the years of evidence I have proving no one wants me around. It's just like well fuck. I can't have a single friend? Not one? Just *one*? then why not? I want to sit everyone down & ask them "what's so wrong with me that you left?" Just so I can know what I need to change. I know I'm not perfect but I can't change if I don't know my issue. Why doesn't anyone see me and want to stay and be there and help? I just wonder. Everyday.

[nyxopenjournal]

It must be so nice to have friends. People to goof with and have fun with and hang out. People who care about you and your wellbeing and your life updates and just how you're generally doing. My god I'd give anything to have it and feel like another human cares about me. I crave the comfort of knowing you have a "no matter what" person. Someone I can always call and count on to be there.

[nyxopenjournal]

I hate myself I should just die.

[nyxopenjournal]

I really want company. I want to do something and go somewhere and have a good time and laugh, but I can't because no one wants that with me. I don't have anyone interested in being around me. I fucking suck. I suck so bad like stop craving shit you know you won't get you fucking dumb bitch. Nobody fucking cares about you and that's their right so fucking get over it and move the fuck on. Stupid bitch.

[nyxopenjournal]

I wish I didn't feel so hated and useless. It's because I am but I don't want to feel it. Just wish anyone liked me as a person and wanted to be around me.

[nyxopenjournal]

I want to be surrounded by people who can not only tell me they love &/or care about me but can also show it. And the thing is. I don't expect everyone to love me in the same way. But if you show me the way you express your love then take it away? That hurts like a mf. Because you've gotten me comfortable with your giving-love-language. So when things change without explanation I panic. And I think rightfully so. No one really does well with sudden change. Nothing is ever quite the same after, either. Now I have to shift my thinking about how to interact and interpret what you do or say to me. Now I'm on edge about how to approach things. Like I said earlier, I don't expect people to show love exactly the same but put in the effort if you really do care. If you are the type to send "this reminds me of you" memes & then check in every couple days, do that. If you'd rather text everyday to give daily updates, do that. If you'd rather call a few times a week to talk about everything & nothing, do that. If you'd rather check in every couple weeks but still be happily present & around when you're able, do that. I've experienced all these types of relationships. I've had people who I'd check in with every 3 months & people who couldn't go more than a few hours without talking. I will shift my efforts to match yours but it also requires communication. In any of those situations, I would always try to say when I wasn't in the right headspace to talk. Whether it was a serious conversation or not. I'd always try to let them know that I missed them & was thinking about them or send things that reminded me of them whenever I saw it. I don't think my efforts were wasted I appreciated and respected everyone's level of communication to preserving our friendships. I just don't like when something is consistent and then suddenly there's a heavy, noticeable shift but when it's acknowledged, it's said that nothings wrong? Bc I'm a whore for details. I notice things that ppl think I don't or shouldn't care about but I have to hyper focus on it bc ppl will try to make me seem like I'm bonkers for pointing out the things I see have changed. I just want to feel secure in the attachments I create. I cannot thrive in confusion. I hate being confused. Tell me what is and what isn't. Put the emotion to the side. I can't deal with that myself. All I need is honesty. The rest will fall where it may. And I know it sounds like an oxymoron to say I need honesty but also say I always believe I'm being lied to, but the catch-all to that is if someone consistently shows up for me, my mind is put at ease and those constant negative thoughts will dissipate. It will take time, but I'm willing to put in the work if they are too. I know I'm not easy to deal with. I don't make it easy, but it's because I'm scared. Kinda lame excuse. It's true though. I'm tired of people leaving. It makes me want to give up. But my heart still yearns for connection even though I try to numb it. Here's to hoping the universe will give me a hand. Cheers.

[nyxopenjournal]

Love should change and allow for flexibility. Love should never be stagnant. Love should see transitions and shape to accept them. This is how I love. It's confusing to be any other way. I will take any new information about you and reshape my thinking about how to love you. I hope it is noticeable that while my love is changing, it is still evident.

((Draft post))

[nyxopenjournal]

I've been really thinking heavily about how much I want to build community & found family for myself again. I had it abundantly a few years ago & my friendships still weren't "wide" then, but they were deep & I miss that. There were about 6 ppl I can remember I felt like understood me in their own ways. I have no idea how, but I really want to build that for myself again. It's hard bc they were 1. Ones I'd stumbled across over the years & 2. No longer in my life (at all or in a meaningful way). I'm just manifesting connection, community, family, & romantic/platonic love for myself. It would be amazing if I could just feel less alone.

((Draft post))

[nyxopenjournal]

I constantly believe I'm being used and I don't know how to combat that thought aside from just trying not to think about it. Just doesn't make sense. Doesn't make any sense to me.

I know it's because I have extreme difficulty believing anything anyone tells me. I always think I'm being lied to. My anxiety is at an all time high. I am in a constant state of underlying panic. It threatens to surface at any time throughout the day. Tonight is just one of those nights where I can't seem to get the thoughts to shut the fuck up. I knew it was gonna happen but it doesn't make it any easier to put up with. So many things recently have just built up to make trusting so difficult again. I feel like I took 20 steps forward and got fucking body slammed back to zero. And it only took 2 months to fuck up over a year's worth of work I had done. And trying to recover mentally while still in the midst of the things I'm trying to recover from physically/financially is so difficult. I feel like I'll never get out of this hole. So what's the point? I tried and ended up back where I started. I literally feel like I'm living a past year all over again except this time is difficulty level 10. Who put me in hard mode and why? I did not want it. Did I just "have it easy" for too long? Did I get too comfortable with my life? Even so why throw me back so deep into self hate and constant depression? There can't be a lesson here worth this. I don't know. I don't know shit apparently.

[nyxopenjournal]

God these thoughts are so loud tonight and not only that they are extremely flip-floppy. Now I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I was wanted by someone. This shit is so ass. It really sucks to have to live like this. I really just want to stop caring so I can stop thinking about it. It's stupid to think about. But I made this account to have a place for these thoughts to go at the very least. My brain is the worst and I want it to end me. Shut the system down. No reboots. Just wipe the hard drive clean and let it go. An empty vessel.

[nyxopenjournal]

I wish it was enough.

[nyxopenjournal]

Life seems very unmanageable when you have no idea what you want or are supposed to do with yourself anymore. I feel like I already did all the things you're "supposed" to do. I went to school. I got the grades. I got my diploma and my degree. I've had a job in my field & experienced that by the time I was 22. Well what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I don't have a purpose. I don't understand what anything is or who I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do now. And I have no idea how to figure that out. If it were up to me I'd park my car somewhere and sit there until I rot. Or run it into some deep body of water. Or crash it into a building. I want to. Everyday I consider it. It wouldn't be hard. Because honestly what's even the point of me being alive? I don't have a reason to live or wake up. Nobody fucking cares if I'm around or breathing. I'm extremely replaceable. It doesn't matter. I wish it weren't that way. I wish I mattered. I wish I had a place somewhere and meant something to anyone and could find my person and live happily with them. But it's just not realistic for me. It's just not in the cards. I'm not worth that. I've been thinking about "bc you have a piss poor self view" since it was said to me lol. It's true. I fucking hate myself. Bc I'm worthless. There was a time where I actually did like myself and who I was as a person. It seems so far away now and it seems impossible to feel that again. I don't know what I did to get there. I don't know how to get it back. This is so frustrating. Feeling like this everyday. If I could just die in my sleep I think it'd do more good than harm. There wouldn't even need to be a funeral because I'm not important enough for anyone to pretend they'd miss me. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I'd have been gone in 3rd grade and wouldn't have had to experience any of this. I would've been gone instead of being such a burden on anyone I come in contact with. I wish I was dead. It seems so peaceful. Today has been a shit day I woke up feeling like a piece of shit. But that's what I am. It should be normal. I always think I'm starting to be okay until I don't have a distraction in front of me. Going days without work makes me remember what a fucking useless garbage nothing I am. At least then I have a few hours to distract myself from the thinking and then by the time it hits it's too late because I'm too tired to let them simmer much. But then there's the weekend and I remember that I have nothing. And no one wants to be around me and I'm just stumbling around because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or what I want to do. I want to give up so bad. I don't know what keeps me here. I think it's fear of the unknown more than anything because everything I've come to know here just hurts. I really do want to die. I just can't bring myself to do it myself. Not yet at least. Maybe one day. I hope. I can finally stop wasting space. I didn't mean to cause so much damage to anyone's life. I leave a mess wherever I go. I'm always the problem. Even my own family believes it and left me. Why would anyone else stay. It makes sense that they leave and find others better than me. There's always going to be someone better than me. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve good things. That's the only thing that makes sense. I don't really know what I did to cause this existence on myself but it had to be awful for me to be suffering this much. I can't do anything right. Please just take me out so everyone can get on with their lives. It's for the best. No one needs me. And I have to be okay with that. I just wish I had one thing to grasp on that was a glimmer of something worth living for. But this tunnel has no light at the end. It's just running blindly in the darkness until I eventually hit a brick wall and die. There's no way out of this. I don't have any worth. Good for nothing piece of shit waste of space. That's all I am. And no one should have to put up with that. It's fair they leave. Find someone worthy of their time and effort. I'm not worth it. I get it.

[nyxopenjournal]

It's almost 4am and I'm still awake which means Thought Brain has turned on and I feel sappy which makes me emotional. Alternatively titled: Can't Sleep

Life is difficult and sometimes it's extremely hard to manage. I'm going through one of those. But I think I'm starting to get a tiny bit more hopeful about making it through. I don't think I'll necessarily be happy or get what I think, in this moment, I want but maybe I'll find a way to be content with what "is" instead of wishful thinking about what "isn't." I'm really trying to accept things as they are and not push further bc that always leads to me hurting. My depression fog that I've spent the last 5-6 months in is finally beginning to clear & I noticed that today. It's funny bc the thing that made me realize it is bc I guess I had been subconsciously paying attention to the way the grass grows and I'd never noticed it before. (The grass grows weird). And today I commented on it lol. I've been too preoccupied with my sadness to pay attention to anything like that. Grass growing. I'm still sad. I can't lie, most times I ignore it or it feels hollow & far away to a point where I can avoid thinking about it. But it is there. I can't do much about it at this point in time for several reasons but I'm chugging along. I'm trying to accept that others' happiness doesn't have to include me. And accept that that's okay. I might not be a lifelong person. I don't know anything about the future and not knowing how things will turn out is the bane of my existence bc my brain plays "what ifs" like they're game show topics for a prize. The prize is usually I end up depressed bc of my own train of thought. Trying to learn how to balance distance with care. What's the right amount of energy to give to a topic? How to be less "all or nothing" about everything. There has to be a balance or I'm gonna just make myself suffer for the rest of my existence and quite frankly, I've suffered enough. I'm tired of it. There are things I wish for that I've convinced myself are impossible. It's too late. Missed opportunities and such. That's been playing on repeat in my head. There are a lot of things that I'm told or I see that don't make sense to me and how I perceive the world, but I've also become the person who is so scared to ask questions. I didn't used to be like this. I'd question everyone and everything until it made sense to me. Now nothing makes sense and I'm always confused and I'm scared to ask. What sense does it make? It doesn't. But. It's where I am right now. I didn't used to be afraid about how big my thoughts were or how much I had to say or how many tangents I went on about a topic, but now I'm scared to say more than a couple words in fear of being annoying or convincing myself whoever I'm talking to doesn't care. So now it's just simple, dulled down thoughts. Which is unfair to myself honestly bc it's not like I've suddenly begun to have less complex thoughts and questions and feelings. I've just suddenly become overly terrified of sharing them so they roll around in my head until I have a breakdown. Outlets are nice. It would be nice to have a person to talk to but it's my own fault that I'm here right now. No one else's. I have to accept that. Maybe the part of my brain telling me I'm just not good for people and will inevitably fail at any platonic or romantic relationship is right and I should give up trying to pursue either. But I also still crave it so what do I do with that? It's not like I get it either way. I'm too scared to talk to people. It's been this way my whole life. I wish I didn't crave it. I didn't used to. But the older I get the more I do. Idk what to do with that. It's just where I am right now. I doubt it'll change. It's not like anyone is looking my way. I'm just floating around on a rock till I die. Epic.

[nyxopenjournal]

I don't quite know what this chapter of my life would be called. Something like

"Lonely but Realizing They aren't Actually Okay with Dying Alone but Having No Idea How to Stop Being Alone"

It's funny. I've been so sad for months and months because I'm lonely and I spend so much time by myself. It's so strange to be lonely and actually feel the loneliness. I thought I'd felt loneliness before when I was younger. But this loneliness is so pertinent and incessant that I feel it crushing me from the inside out. It's more hollow these days than anything, but it still hurts sometimes. I had the thought that I'm tired of "pretending" that I don't have any love to give. But that's not true. I'm tired of pretending I don't *want* that. I've always wanted it. I just pushed the idea of it away for so long that I internalized that it could never happen for me. For many reasons. I think I'm just too much to deal with. I have so much love I want to give. I want to be loved in a way that makes me feel seen. I want to be adored and cherished. I want my person. I don't know how to sit with my wants while simultaneously fighting through daily loneliness. It seems counteractive. Thinking about love you want to give while having no opportunity to give it. Being too scared to share your feelings or knowing it's too late to act on ones you had. Missed opportunities and such. I want to know love that loves me back. I want to feel it freely and loudly. I want to be able to show off and brag proudly about my love. Look at them! And look at me! And look at us! The thing making me sad is the fact that I have no one. And I don't know how to alleviate that sadness because there's no one to help with it. I can't share it. Humans crave companionship, but what do you do if everyone leaves? How do you cope with thinking you're not good enough to stay for? Having nothing except your own thoughts at the end of the day? It gets tiresome. I'm tired. I want community. I want companionship. I want love. I try to find it in the little places I have access to but it doesn't work. My anxiety is really that bad. I'm hibernating on an account with no following because I think my thoughts are too much and annoy those who follow me. It's that bad. I don't know how to get rid of it. But at least I can type it out here.