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oakleyadams-blog · 6 years ago

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“I’m a motherfu*king GEM...”

“I didn’t want to date you cause I wanted to prove to my best friend that not all skinny girls are bitches… But you’re a bigger girl. You’re not what society thinks of as ‘beautiful.’”

That’s what the last guy in my life told me. Less than seven months ago.

That was the first time anyone other than my parents told me I’m a “big girl”. I don't even think I'm that big… Radical honesty? Im 5’2” and Im 195lbs. Yeah Im “overweight” compared to what I “should be” but I have a small waist at least. Even if I didn't why is that so bad? I’m healthy. I gained 60lbs in the last 2 years due to medication I started taking to help with severe panic attacks. So yeah it SUCKS. I haven't always been chubby. But Ive always thought I was. I remember when I weighed 120lbs I felt HUGE. Ive always been unhappy with myself- But the funny part is? I’m on a journey to FINALLY loving myself…and I’m at my heaviest. My self image has been an issue to be since day one. My very first memory of dealing with insecurities of my body I was 5 YEARS OLD. Five. WHAT. I was at my best friends house and we were swimming. I got out of the pool to do a cannon ball and I remember feeling SO self conscious of my thighs. Feeling so fat in my little orange and pink bathing suit. I never had any childhood trauma related to my body so I really don't know where it stems from. Its been a stronghold forever. But its funny how now that I am actually “overweight” is the time I’m collecting most self worth and confidence. I hate the word overweight. I didn't know why (other than feeling gross about myself) why I hated that word so much. Until I listened to a podcast. The lady said she preferred to be called fat rather than overweight. Saying someone is overweight is really saying there is a better and more correct weight for them. That you're not beautiful where you are now. You're OVER the weight that is “beautiful to society”. *Eye roll* Anyways… I’m realizing now that what that guy meant to say is “Im so fu*king insecure in myself that I have to be with someone smaller than me to make me feel more like a big man”. The part I hated most about when he said Im not beautiful to the world, was my reply. In my insecure and previously abused mind I said “Eh I guess I wouldn't want to date a big fat guy, so I get that…” ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?! What is wrong with me???! Where was my self worth?! Even worse… I continued to see him and poor my heart to him. I should've just kicked him in his tiny tic-tac balls. That was something I’ve been wanting to get out of my system. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! To me that maybe means this somehow resonates to you? Well if so…you are STUNNING. You are not “overweight”. He/she doesn't deserve you if thats the reason they won't commit. You deserve the BEST. He didn't deserve me and I eventually understood that. I am a motherfu*king GEM. And so are YOU. Just be healthy and the best you that you can be. Looks are literally skin deep. I feel like I am lightyears away from believing that, but at least I know I’m on the right track. Keep at it friends.

Much love,

Oakley

#inspiration #inspiring quotes #blog #blogger

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oakleyadams-blog · 6 years ago

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Oakley Adams- The Reason Behind My Name

Hello all!

Well-I’m sitting here on my couch at 4pm on a Wednesday drinking a glass of Seagrams Sweet Tea Vodka (it’s incredible) while semi watching New Girl in the background. This show for me is like The Office. I could watch it over and over- Anyways I was thinking as my first post I should explain a little bit about me, and the meaning behind my “name”. So long story short, I within the last 2 years FINALLY got out of an abusive relationship with (let’s call him) “Chevy”… (Blog post to come) and after that awful 3 years of life, I became pretty rebellious. I have never been a rebellious person. Ever. I grew up in church and have been a Christian since I can remember. And not “church life” as an over bearing, bible beating type of way. I have a relationship with The Lord aside from “religion” and it’s the most important part of my life. I believe He allowed me to go through some things, like that relationship, to learn…So after leaving my *literal* psychotic boyfriend, I started to drink a lot. Getting drunk. Downloading promiscuous apps on my phone, and getting my nipples pierced etc. As you read my blogs you’ll start to realize I am a very open book- There’s probably nothing I won't write about haha. So there’s my disclaimer! Alright- The reason behind my name. When I was “rebelling” I wanted to do things I could never do before. My ex was SO constricting and insecure and literally crazy… Without getting too much into that (saving for my next blog) some of the apps I downloaded were chat rooms. Video sex chatrooms. I hated myself and had NO self worth. For some reason having video sex felt safe to me. These people would say “wow you're so fu*king hot” or they even used the word beautiful a few times. And gaining weight after the breakup, those compliments (even if shallow) made me start to feel pretty. And it felt safe because STDs/STIs and pregnancy? No thank you! I never wanted to use my real name because I’ve been told I’m “famous in our small town” because I’m a professional musician. The last thing I wanted was to video sex with someone who knew me. Talk about awkward. So I decided to use a made up name. The first name I thought of was one I used after I broke up with “Chevy” and used it to make an Instagram account to stalk him when I found out he started dating an old friend of mine. And yes I introduced them. I’ve always loved the name Oakley (because of Annie Oakley), and the last name Adams just seemed to fit. I used “Oakley Adams” as a default to be someone else. I used it to make an Instagram account to depress myself by watching my ex, and as a fake name for video sex. Ugh. If I had a daughter I wanted to name her Oakley. Now I feel like I tarnished the name. Well if I can, I’m here to RENEW the name and bring it a fresh start. I want this blog to inspire people, make them laugh, cry, feel related to, etc. I want “my name” to be cleansed. The meaning of the name Oakley- “Symbolism of the Mighty Oak. The Oak tree is one of the most loved trees in the world, and with good reason. It's a symbol of strength, morale, resistance and knowledge. ... The oak is considered a storehouse of wisdom embodied in it’s towering strength.” There you have it. The Oak had to learn resistance, wisdom, strength and more by enduring ALL seasons in life. Just like me.

~Oakley Adams.

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