omegalaugh

[omegalaugh]

actually no, i’m not finished. why the fuck is it an issue when i’m the one being off? i haven’t been off. my hormones are all over the place right now. i’m not the one having a good time, i’m not the one meeting new people. nothing has felt right for the last month. today marks the end of may, i wanted to call you on your birthday and sing you happy birthday. i wanted to be there with you for christ’s sake. the only reason i came off as bitchy is because you set me off. where’s the compassion? i’m not going to try and fix everything you fucked up. i have been doing that each and every time we’d argue. you always had to be right and i would always back down. i’m over it. my conclusion as to why this is truly the end, you met someone and this was your out, you got bored again, or both! you have never been very empathetic. other people‘s emotions only matter to you if you can get something out of it.

[omegalaugh]

i felt so horrible for how i had treated - but at least i was honest. i told him i didn’t think we would work out, i warned him time and time again. yet i still feel guilty. i didn’t have to tell him what i felt, i could’ve been like everyone else and just brushed it over and continued feeding into what we were. things need to end where they end. there is no need to keep going just because it’s going to stop you from feeling bad. - is a prime example of this. “i didn’t tell you because i didn’t wanna ruin your mood” well you not telling me ruined my mood. she said he texted her trying to hook up! LOL!!!! she then waited two months to tell me. what is the point. it’s like i can’t have anything for myself and im so fucking tired of it. i just want to be able to have my person. i don’t want to feel like everyone is a threat to my happiness. why does it keep happening? why would you tell me something that’s going to bring me all the back to square one? what is the point of doing that? i don’t like being paranoid but jesus christ. i remember in december 2022, i created a note and started keeping track of things i felt were off. i felt like he was cheating on me and i think i was right. the more i think about it the worse it gets. i was never invited to move in even though he knew how things were at home. we barely texted ever. the only times we called were him breaking up with me and me calling because i missed him and i needed reassurance. it wasn’t real. he didn’t care about me like i cared about him. i was scared i was annoying him, yet he showed me how much he and - talked. constant. constantly. he wanted her to move in. then wanted - to move in, after the first night they shared. i changed so much about myself. i will never be the - i was before i had met him. i can never be the - i was before him. from the first time we had met i felt like something was different. i checked, he is one of my twin flames. we were supposed to meet but i don’t think it should’ve ever been romantic. we weren’t made for each other. he said “it’s like you were made for me” and maybe i was, but he wasn’t made for me. realizing that has been the hardest thing. i can’t call it a love story, and that makes all my time and energy worthless. i can’t ever be me again. the girl i was is dead. she died and there’s no way to come back from the dead. i can’t ever go back.

january 13th 2024

i can’t seem to get this off my mind. i cant seem to get him off my mind. i was just doing so good, i hadn’t been sad about it. now i’m feeling worthless. how am i supposed to ever get over it if everything is a constant reminder of me not being good enough. i feel like i'm placing my anger somewhere it doesn’t need to be but at the same time i feel like everything i'm upset about is fully reasonable. i have felt like this since november 2022. from the moment i felt like i wasn’t good enough it’s just continued with more examples and proof. i have always been an option. i have never been the answer. i felt like i was while i was with him. i felt like i finally had a purpose, like someone truly cared about me. looking back now, it’s clear he didn’t. i was always just an option to him, the safe choice. “oh - you’re my dream girl i love you so much” yet i was never shown that other than displays of wealth. i want to be happy more than anything in the world. i want to move on with my life, i want to love again. i hate being alone so much. if you really loved me, and thought of me as your dream girl, you would have shown it. i’m being dismissive of the times he did however with everything in the past, i can see through it. i wasn’t that special, i was just devoted. he could get away with just about anything with me. i didn’t want to lose him. i didn’t know what i would be without him, and i don’t. i haven’t been happy in a long time. like genuinely happy. there’s such a difference of being in love and loving. i love my family. i want to be in love. i want to be comforted while i cry. i want to be told it’s gonna be okay and believe it. i think it bothers me so much because i haven’t been able to be the only one for anyone. there’s always someone else. - literally had a girlfriend the entire time we were dating. - got a girlfriend after telling me we could never be serious, and continued to tell me how special i was to him then. how much he wished she was like me. what is it about me? i try so fucking hard to be the perfect girl, and that’s still not enough. there’s always going to be someone better. - literally texted - “i wish you were here instead” while i was over after holding me telling me how beautiful i am, pulling me in for a kiss before i left. - texting that guy we had both matched with. the last guy i genuinely saw hope with on a dating app, stopped talking to me and chose her over me. i don’t know what the point of it was. she never met him, literally ghosted him. i don’t think my anger is displaced. i would never do that to anyone. especially not someone that has been there for me for everything. it’s cruel. i complain so much, about how hard it is for me. does she not realize? or is she just doing it on purpose? just like he did. why does god send me the worst people? what did i do to cause this? i crave a man’s comfort so much. i just want to feel like i’m important. im so tired of everything in my life. i want to leave it all behind and be with my forever person. i want to speed past all this and just be there. i hate most of my friends and i just don’t want to be in this area anymore. i want to leave. i want to go far far away and never look back. i’ll communicate with family but i will make new friends. i will make friends with people who aren’t taking our friendship as a game. i will be happy someday. i’ll be in love again someday. i’ll have a husband i love with my entire heart and he’d love me with his entire heart. he wouldn’t just love the idea of me. he’d actually love me for me. i’d be such an amazing wife. i don’t think ill ever understand what it is. i wish someone would just fucking tell me. i need to know what it is. i need to know what makes me worse. what is so bad about me that makes it justified?

[omegalaugh]

january 13th 2024

i can’t seem to get this off my mind. i cant seem to get him off my mind. i was just doing so good, i hadn’t been sad about it. now i’m feeling worthless. how am i supposed to ever get over it if everything is a constant reminder of me not being good enough. i feel like i'm placing my anger somewhere it doesn’t need to be but at the same time i feel like everything i'm upset about is fully reasonable. i have felt like this since november 2022. from the moment i felt like i wasn’t good enough it’s just continued with more examples and proof. i have always been an option. i have never been the answer. i felt like i was while i was with him. i felt like i finally had a purpose, like someone truly cared about me. looking back now, it’s clear he didn’t. i was always just an option to him, the safe choice. “oh - you’re my dream girl i love you so much” yet i was never shown that other than displays of wealth. i want to be happy more than anything in the world. i want to move on with my life, i want to love again. i hate being alone so much. if you really loved me, and thought of me as your dream girl, you would have shown it. i’m being dismissive of the times he did however with everything in the past, i can see through it. i wasn’t that special, i was just devoted. he could get away with just about anything with me. i didn’t want to lose him. i didn’t know what i would be without him, and i don’t. i haven’t been happy in a long time. like genuinely happy. there’s such a difference of being in love and loving. i love my family. i want to be in love. i want to be comforted while i cry. i want to be told it’s gonna be okay and believe it. i think it bothers me so much because i haven’t been able to be the only one for anyone. there’s always someone else. - literally had a girlfriend the entire time we were dating. - got a girlfriend after telling me we could never be serious, and continued to tell me how special i was to him then. how much he wished she was like me. what is it about me? i try so fucking hard to be the perfect girl, and that’s still not enough. there’s always going to be someone better. - literally texted - “i wish you were here instead” while i was over after holding me telling me how beautiful i am, pulling me in for a kiss before i left. - texting that guy we had both matched with. the last guy i genuinely saw hope with on a dating app, stopped talking to me and chose her over me. i don’t know what the point of it was. she never met him, literally ghosted him. i don’t think my anger is displaced. i would never do that to anyone. especially not someone that has been there for me for everything. it’s cruel. i complain so much, about how hard it is for me. does she not realize? or is she just doing it on purpose? just like he did. why does god send me the worst people? what did i do to cause this? i crave a man’s comfort so much. i just want to feel like i’m important. im so tired of everything in my life. i want to leave it all behind and be with my forever person. i want to speed past all this and just be there. i hate most of my friends and i just don’t want to be in this area anymore. i want to leave. i want to go far far away and never look back. i’ll communicate with family but i will make new friends. i will make friends with people who aren’t taking our friendship as a game. i will be happy someday. i’ll be in love again someday. i’ll have a husband i love with my entire heart and he’d love me with his entire heart. he wouldn’t just love the idea of me. he’d actually love me for me. i’d be such an amazing wife. i don’t think ill ever understand what it is. i wish someone would just fucking tell me. i need to know what it is. i need to know what makes me worse. what is so bad about me that makes it justified?

[omegalaugh]

i was so enamored by you, i would’ve dropped everything in order to satisfy you. i would’ve done anything i had the means to do for you. yet that still wasn’t enough. obviously i’m not going to be able to match your effort but i tried. you can say i didn’t try all you want but i was devoted. you were the most important person to me and i put whatever you said over anything else. i wish you had brought me home that night, i wish you hadn’t suggested taking anything, i wish you hadn’t gotten into my head. i wish i was able to see through you then.

[omegalaugh]

Y’all im stoned af

[omegalaugh]

thank you for being my rock. i cherish every moment we had together even the bad ones. i think you know me more than anyone else too, i wish we had stayed platonic. i think that would’ve been the best option. we were so good as friends and it still makes me so upset that i don’t have that anymore. you weren’t holding me back. i had already pushed the idea of us out of the majority of my mind. i knew it wouldn’t be good for me, or you. we aren’t made to be together. i tried to hold on to it for as long as i could but how could i picture a future with someone that doesn’t love me like i love them?

[omegalaugh]

Having PTSD sucks ass because not only does nobody believe you in the first place, the few people that do will straight up just not care if they decide that your trigger(s) aren’t “correct”

[omegalaugh]

i loved the way he made me feel special. i loved feeling better than everyone and he made me feel that. he was handsome. he had charisma. he had will power. he was everything i could’ve ever wanted. he was everything just about any woman wanted. it was so difficult. i always knew there were better women out there. i wasn’t the best and i never would be, it was just a matter of time until he found that out. i wasn’t built to last that sort of dynamic. i wasn’t made to compete.

[omegalaugh]

i just think it’s so sick that he gets to win. i hate that i’m the one stuck. i hate that i can’t move on. i hate that he gets to move on and be happy.

i should be the one moving on. i’m young. i have my whole life ahead of me yet i feel like it’s worth nothing without him here to share it with. i wish i had been the one to end things. i wish he hadn’t made me feel like i meant anything to him. i wish he didn’t still try. i shouldn’t be crying over a grown ass man. he should be crying over me. i wonder if he’s crying over me. i wonder if i was enough for him. i wonder if he actually thinks of me.