omgthecrowsnest

[omgthecrowsnest]

Idiot chayu

Funnily enough, I hadn't realised I had stopped free writing but wow I am an idiot. Of course I'm over Shanya now, isn't it bloody obvious? It's pretty obvious why also. I mean I was getting excited about seeing her at nixons and all that and her means Thirandi of course yeah it could still be rebound but it's been ages and I think it's already past the rebound time idk maybe cause I just idk been feeling this way or rather start g to fancy since the moment I spoke to her and like yeah there's the 2016 thing also lololol but like other than that if it was rveound that stuff should be over by now I think I do really like he but like I can't do any thin caus eof exams and all and I know she can't also so yeah that's good actually if I tell her then tis like practice for me to stay without a romance so I can be in love with myself and ha e a full lfie without a relation ship as well yeah that's good. But the thing is I'd still like something but no it doesn't matter you can be genuine and honest and love someone without wanting anything back yeah that's true maybe I'll tell her soon then maybe after exams that seems better actually no only if she says she does well or something can't be a dick now no, but yeah maybe the writing poems and all should've given it away such an IDIOT I am lol fuck Shanya I like this girl now and yeah she's better for sure :)

[omgthecrowsnest]

Dustbin

buy new dustbin

violin

bow

clean bow

bags

clothes

super cool style

yardley

earphones

good earphones

ac

coffee

coffee mug

weights

shower

shampoo

conditioner to some level

extension cords

laptop

a full day of studying

smartness

textbook

econ background

[omgthecrowsnest]

Free write

I feel like I am better than i was a few minites ago. shany has been at her prefects day thing and ive been slightly jelous of the pool games and the night party stuff but that shouldnt because 1. shes been to parties before 2. shes flashed people (accidentally) at parties before and 3. MOST IMPORTANTLY SHE IS NOT SOMEONE I NEED TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT OMG. SO yeah, i need to be less obbseessed with her. At the least if I was thinking of THriandi that would be slightly more resasonable, becasue I AM trying to kinda flirt with her at least. One thing that Ive realised from this exercise is that I need to learn how to deal with jealosy and girls friting and having a good time. That would involve getting them to flirt etc and actvely working to see and desenstise myself to that. another thing is to talk to my parents by the end of november. Im going to set a plan to be confident. Starting on monday, the last five minutes of the cab ride, then do it earlier etc so that I have no excuse. Everytime i get an excuse, i write it down and rebut it. By the middle of november i hsould be screaming to talk to my parents cause im so confident. I’ll also try my best to meet up with friends, make new friends, etc, and start archery in november as well. Yeah, if im confident by november, i can even use archery to help myself grow. Great great great.

[omgthecrowsnest]

Freewrite about dreams and feelings

What's annoying is yesterday, I saw Shanya had liked this post about how he liked her but how does a new girl love you the same way I did for 3 years and all that kinda thing, it was very sweet. My first reaction was mona huththakda. Cause is it about me. But I immediately started changing it to think ti's about him, she loves his quirks so much now, and she's so happy and hence I need to be happy too. But I haven't fully been able to get over it yet, still think that she is falling out with him and that she wants to get back and like yesterday, for the first time in ages, I felt like I wanted to get back with her? Maybe all the friends watching helped that feeling but yeah, just saw us as s destined and gonna come back each other and now it's less, but like Thirandi is in school and won't be free to date or anything till next August so that's out anyway so like argh anyway but I shouldn't think of Shanya, I ended up stalking her and liking a picture also and I'm so confused to what I feel and I just wish I could find another person but yeah, I talk to more people now, so that's good. I have friends or at least people to talk to, so I shouldn't be sad or unhappy. I should try not to think of Shanya if I can't be happy for her, which is what this entire split thing is about but I don't fucking know. Once I go back to talking, will I just fall back for her? And she loves avishka, with all her heart, I cannot afford to think anything else. I need to show off my life. Even tonight. Yeah. Fake late night thing. God. I miss her. But I shouldn't. She's a friend only. And I want to get back to being friends. I genuinely did, but now I know its different again. Maybe if I put out the love it'll work better. Yeah, and be grateful and all.

[omgthecrowsnest]

Freewrite drean

So I had a dream yday, I think it's because avishka put up that u luck post about the ancient mariner that got my stupid soul conscious riles up but i dreamt that Shanya kissed me 2 times and said she wanted to get back with me and all. I remember being confused in the dream as well cause not exactly something I needed or wanted. But that unfortunate means that now I'm thinking about her again and that's annoying I've been thinking of how I should have convinced her to donate to daddys and all but yeah it's all unnecessary. I haven't wanted to date her for some time but now I fear I might want to. It's super annoying g. It should go away later. I wish Thira and I could talk more, she's super busy and she didn't respond to my cuteness. I wish I didn't feel bad, cause it should be tied to her joy not her joy being tied to mine. That should work yeah. When I get home, I'm gonna do some more gratitude. Maybe some comparisons to Shanya and Thirandi now too. Okay bye

[omgthecrowsnest]

Petta

Shanya is out in petta and that made mea jealous and that's bad cause I should be happy for her since there's anyway no way for the 2 of us to go there together now, it'll be super awkward, and so I shouldn't be sad. I should be happy that she gets to be so happy and have that great experience to enrich her life, look at the smile on her face :) yay chayu, now go and work hard for munation

[omgthecrowsnest]

Tulip Girl

Love, have you heard how a tulip is? From away you'd see and think it plain. But close, you'll realise what you'd miss. For a tulip has a deep and intense reign, Of joy and wit and coloured bliss, Within its little petals lain.

[omgthecrowsnest]

Post revitalisation

So far, things are going ood. I feel like I’m on a good rut. I need to do this more. I think I love my life

[omgthecrowsnest]

Grateful about Shanya

having amazing memories

for good freinds afterwards

for not actually making out in front of me

for trying to talk

for agreeing to video call

for the birthday wish

for teaching me imperfection

for making me realise myself

for my self growth during

for my self growth after

for my full understading of gratitude

for my ability to experience getting over jealousy

for offering help

for working hard and teaching me to smile

for showing how she can smile

for triggering self improvement

for the tattoos

for the mural

for the inspiration

for the motivation

[omgthecrowsnest]

Grateful (all i can in 2 minutes)

For this laptop

For the ac

for the fun lighting

for the bed

for the house

for the roof over my head

for not dealing with meru

for not being pregnant

for not being raped

for not having a period

for having a good coffee mug

for having the garter belts

for having a good phone

for having good perfume

for having a violin to practice

for having so many awards

for having had an amazing first relationshi[

for having amazing memories at mun

for having all the star wars cups

for having drawn the mural

for thinking of more murals

for being able to be witty

for interent access

for good clothes

for money to buy more clothes

for being smart

for having bandages for my arms

[omgthecrowsnest]

Attempt at free writing (5 minutes)

One thing that I really want to do with liofe is be happy. with my exams i want to go places and have amazing expeirences so that i can be happy for me, this might also be through helping other people. but for now, i need to be happy, and shanya isnt helping. orrather the way im dealing with shanya isnt helping. im gonna wait until the month is over before contacting her again, i need that time to work on myself. but in the meantime, i need to figure out whthe thought of avishka gets my blood boiling. thinking of him as a rebound isnt helping. that makes him a bad decision on her part, and a downgrade and all. i should want him to be a long term relationship for her. but well get to that later. in my life, i have good friwends that i talk to. thirandi, bless her cute soul, is one of them. senal sometimes. boji and thidas sometimes. but im also talking to shalinie and romalya somewhat, as well as asel. maybe ligi is also someone to talk more to. and yeah, i think i will talk to randy somewhat, but be clear that its purely about her and her happiness. what e;se can i do who else do i have there’s some work with the munation people, who i will also work closer on. maybe even meet up with jayath for a coffee or something. debating people. try and meet with ravindu here and there. i am sleepy right now lol, but yeah, shanya isn’t the most important thing, but it would be nice to have anpther friendship in my life, and i want that. i need to think of avishka as a long term relationship and ask senal and thirandi and asel not to let me bitch about him. or figure something out to get that message across to them. and i have to be happy for her and cultivate that. but first, for myself. be grateful for myself and then let that same gratitude spillover everywhere. that is the best way to live life and i HAVE to do so.

[omgthecrowsnest]

I have been down a bad spiral and I haven’t been grateful so I decided I want to change that. I’m going to do 2 things with this new attempt at life.

1. I’m going to actively try and be grateful every single day, and try and extend that joy to Shanya so that we can be friends again

2. I’m going to freewrite more, maybe daily at first but then reduce the frequency, but do it anyway. Make a habit to unload my mind out and help it to guide my joy in life. 

First, however, I will watch more videos

[omgthecrowsnest]

Life seems good. Started talking to thirandi again and lots of interesting info's.

[omgthecrowsnest]

FREE WRITE AGAIN

Okay so basically Shanya put up a status saying best bang since the big one and idk why but I'm associating that with avishka cause it seems to me like she's looking for some connection in her life that she lost, and yknow rebound like thing so she might actually go further than "slow" in order to try and find it. But this resides on the assumption that she's in a rebound and that's super selfish of me lol. I need to continue the love. But let's see why I think so. I think she wanted love and support of sorts, coupled with entertainment which is why she keeps messaging me, but that could be as a friend though, but yeah, maybe she's not getting it fro. Avishka but she would've expected to get some cause she fell for him soon after Croatia? I'm also upset that she's already having or rather handing the telling people aspect of this far better than she did with me at the beginning but that's cause of how young she was. Either way, I need to make myself independent from her and try my best not to look at her chat. And love myself and work hard.

[omgthecrowsnest]

Little ball of tape you’re white,

You stand so slyly in my sight.

You wrapped yourself around my finger,

And gave me a wet and rashy linger.

[omgthecrowsnest]

Freewrite after finding out

It iss with a heavy heart that i am writing lololol that is SO emo, no i shouldnt have a heavy heart either way. this is about shany telling me she lieks avishka and theyre going out now. lol so my first response was wow so cool, but duh. and i was super happy. i do think that avishka has all the good qualities that she saw in me, but is in additio to that, in her own circles, isnt afraid to show her hoff and wont be a pussy basically. and yeah so thats great. found it a bit weird when she said shed had him over and would tell parents etc cause like, hmmmmm why not us but thats pointless. im happy for her i genuinely am. i do think hes good and he;;ll keep her happy. i guess this current emotional state is more of a wistful thing? I’m sure i’ll get over it quicl. also now im thinkign lol is this a rebound and why am i only lonely and stuff etc but hey, im growing so m uch more a s  aperson, and so is she, and that is all great, were both getting amazing things out of this so yay! but for fucks sake i wish it didnt happen okay there is emotion here so lets get it oyutu FUCKING SAKE SHANY WHY AVISHKA, WHAT DIDNT I DO FOR YOU OK okay this is feeling forced so it doesnt seemt o ring as accurate. i think im not angry, but rather just wistful hat shed do tht for hima nd not for me kinda? but yeah, i cant stop loving myself and being happy for her, extending that outwards and also to  reach her. i dont think ill have a lot of contact with her now because the dynamics are obviously hanged, she ahs a postiion of power, so ill let her be the one that contacts me  in general and when we DO contact ill give her a great time but yeah. i wish i alsohad someone and i feel lkike i need a rebound as well. but lets see. lets see. in the meantime, im going to try and focus on my work a lot and focus on my studies and make myslef one of the best and smartest people who ever lived and gotreally far in life. yeah, im happy. im happy. dammit i get the happeist and the most relieved when i think of her breaking up or falling for me again, but now i think its more of an ego thing tahn a relationship romance thing. omg yeah its EXACTLY what it is, im so glad, i feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. eah, lets violin, workout tomorrow, and work hard tonight and make my life super super great. I love myself. I love myself. and i only love shanya as a friend.

[omgthecrowsnest]

Freewrite after dream

Okay let's see what that dream emant. I can't really remember it anymore fully but it was basically me at some event with friends, and sharkie also ende டுப் being there with kal and someone else that I didn't know and she hadn't told me and she was hitting it for well with lal l. When I woke up I felt a little... Wistful? Jealous? That she was having fun with a friend? No it wasn't jealousy it was more like a little sad at the fact that she was hanging out when she didn't tell me she was gonna. But even that was quite a minimal feeling and I'm glad. One thing is that it's a dream so it faded, but dreams have affected me more in the past, so I am attributing it to my self love and I love it so much I feel so good about myself, even yday I said hi to someone unprompted லி and that was great I love how I'm growing now. Today gym was great, it was har dbut i finished everything with very little sharkie inspiration. So that was amazing and I didn't really think of her a lot today there, instead saw today as a good day to get work done. As I came home, I listened to Celine Don's heart will go on and while that as super cute and I remembered Shanya, I didn't like, miss her? Or like, I didn't want her back or anything, it was just appreciative of our time together and that was exactly what it was, dupe beautiful and I love where 8 am now, it's so great. Oh yeah Shanya is at school and barely talked yday and don't want to taln a lot today either so yay I'm proudd