onceafuckup

[onceafuckup]

[onceafuckup]

I wanna scratch your surface I wanna feel your groove I wanna be your needle I wanna lick your wound You wanna play with fire? Stick and poke tattoo? You wanna play, my new girl? I wanna play with you

[onceafuckup]

[onceafuckup]

Le petit voyeur.

[onceafuckup]

Tell me how desperate you are for me

[onceafuckup]

Time Flies When You’re Fucked Up

+I ignored the two assholes standing among my broken furniture and went to the bathroom to clean up. Most of the bleeding had stopped and now that I had a mirror I was able to pop my jaw back into place with a loud ass click. My eyes watered at the pain but it wasn’t anything a little Herra couldn’t dull. I slapped some gauze over the worst of the wounds, then carefully dug the damn bullet out of my shoulder before I covered that one as well. Few days and I’d be good as new. Not that it mattered, I was just going to go out and do it all over again. At least until I couldn’t, then I could join Blay. Which was why killing myself wasn’t an option, if I did that, I wouldn’t get to the fade where he was. However, dying by the hands of the enemy was absolutely a way to make that happen. I gave myself a mental high five for my thinking as I dried my face off, then lifted my gaze towards the mirror. My eyes were sunken in, as were my cheeks, my beard and hair unruly, I’d probably lost a good twenty to thirty pounds since that night. “Qhuinn, get your fucking ass out here, now!” I groaned and dropped the towel on the rack. I nearly forgot I wasn’t alone in my sanctuary for the day. There was no way to ignore them, I suppose. Not since they got themselves locked in with me for the day. Dammit. I gave one last swipe across my face and then walked back out to the front of the house, first taking a detour to the freezer to grab a fresh bottle of Herra for the pain. I didn’t even focus on the fact that was ALL that was in the freezer. Eating hadn’t been important to me. Still wasn’t. I cracked the bottle and took a long pull, groaning heartily at the cold burn down my throat. Then, and only then, did I turn to face my brothers.+ The fuck do you two want?

+JM’s fingers flew at record speed and I raised a brow as I watched. I didn’t have to follow along to know he was ripping me a new one. I took another long drink, or tried to, but then the bottle was ripped from my hands by a fuming Tohrment. “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think Blay…” I swung. Without even thinking or connecting what my body was doing. Tohr saw it coming and dodged, grabbing at my wrist and jamming my arm behind my back. I spat in his face with a low grow+ Don’t even fucking go there, Tohr. What Blay would or wouldn’t think is irrelevant because he’s dead, or did you forget that? Besides, you have no room to say shit to me about how I grieve, you were gone for how fucking long? No one knew where you were or if you were even a live, so spare me the damn lecture.

+I spun on JM whose fingers started flying again the moment I was looking at him. There were a lot of ‘fuck you’  and ‘he was my friend’ and ‘I miss him too’ with some ‘selfish motherfucker’ and other choice words mixed together in one continuous conscious stream. Tohr still had my arm wrench so I couldn’t do more than attempt to duck when JM came at me with a right I only saw at the last minute. He caught my chin enough that my teeth rattled and I tore my arm form Tohr’s hold and launched myself at my best friend. Between punches and kicks and everything else we threw at each other, words were exchanged, hateful ones, not so hateful ones and the anger seeped out of us both until we were laying on the ground bloody and panting for breath. I glanced over and Tohr was leaning against one of the pillars in the room, “You two idiots done?” I turned to JM who was looking at me, both of us fighting the urge to laugh at the fact we were being treated like the children we were acting like. I held up a finger to Tohr but kept my attention on JM+ I know you miss him too, but it’s not the same. Not even close. I just need some time. Please?

+JM stared at me for a moment, his fingers going much slower now that he was calmer, “I can’t lose you, too.” I sighed heavily, really wishing I could hide myself in the bottle right now. I didn’t want him to worry, which meant I was going to have to do something. I nodded slowly then lifted my gaze to Tohr+ Yeah, we’re done. Say what you need to say, Tohr. I know you’re probably itching for a fight too, but you’re just going to have to wait.

+Tohr sighed then walked over and kicked my ass, literally, until I finally moved from the floor, swiping my hand over my blood face before I offered it to JM. “We need to talk, Qhuinn. Well, I need to talk, JM already said what he needed, when I’m done, we can see where things are and if we’re gonna have to have more words or not.” I glanced around at the broken furniture and then sighed heavily as I knew we’d have to go into the one room that had remained unscathed by my outbursts so far. I told them to grab a couple beers, then walked down to the closed double doors off the hallway. My hands shook as I placed them on the handles. I’d not been in here since at least a few weeks before the accident. It was his sanctuary, one I seldom encroached on. After…after, I’d not been able to go in there. It would be overwhelmingly him unlike every other room which was mingled with our scents. A hand fell on my shoulder and I jumped, I couldn’t help it. “Have you not been in here at all in the past four months, Q?” I whipped my head back and blinked at Tohr+ Four months?

+Tohr gave a nod and JM’s hands were flying but I could only see them in my peripheral. I’d been in this fog for four months already? Tohr held up his hand to quiet JM, “It’s time, Qhuinn. We’re right here with you.” I turned back to the doors and took a slow steadying breath. The doors opened slowly and I felt my knees buckling when everything Blay damn near slapped me in the fucking face. JM’s arm slid around my back and he held me up while Tohr tried to calm me down, “We got you, Q. John, get him in the chair.” I was led to one of the overstuffed recliners in the room. I was grateful he didn’t lead me to the couch, that’s where Blay and I would sit for ‘family’ meetings when the kids were younger. It would be too much right now. The room was hard enough. I don’t know how long we sat there before Tohr started in with his lecture. They were worried. I was drinking too much. Fighting without backup. It was dangerous. The kids needed me. The Brotherhood needed me. It was all shit I knew and expected to hear. I kept my head up only enough to watch JM’s hands as he added his own thoughts, but otherwise kept my head down, shoulders slumping as each aded guilt was tossed on my shoulders. “Two weeks, Qhuinn. That’s all the longer Wrath is giving you. We can’t keep this up, hunting you down, patching you up. Hell, you probably don’t remember us having this conversation a two months ago, do you? Before you trashed the rest of the furniture out there. The time frame them was a few months, your time is running out. I get grief, I do, but you gotta remember to live too.” If I didn’t pull my act together, I’d be booted from the Brotherhood, the kids would be able to continue, but I’d no longer be able to protect them from inside. If I was booted dishonorably, they would get shit over it. A lot. And Lyric had a temper on her to rival mine. Rham was a little calmer but when it came to defending family neither would hesitate to shed blood. No. I couldn’t go out like that. I nodded slowly.+ Fine. I’ll report to the manse in two weeks for duty. Just don’t expect me to be happy about it.

[onceafuckup]

my personal favourite..

[onceafuckup]

How to Bring Someone Back from the Dead

Make sure that it wasn’t their time to die. If it was, do not try to bring them back.

If you’re sure they weren’t meant to die, start preparing for your journey. It will be a long one.

You will need two coats, a quarter, a white rose, a blanket, a flashlight, extra batteries, lots of food and water, and an object of importance to the deceased (a necklace, a beloved book, etc).

Wait until late spring. You’ll want it to be warm out when you return.

Put on some good hiking boots. You’ll be walking for a while.

Enter any forest. The denser the better. Walk until the sun goes down.

Look to your left when it becomes too dark to see.

You will see a white glow in the distance. Walk towards it.

Be careful where you step. Some woods like to trip you.

Remember your loved one’s name.

Say aloud how much you missed them and why you want them back.

The glow will disappear once you reach it. When it does, turn on your flashlight and sit down.

Place the flashlight next to you and go to sleep. Do not be afraid. If you’ve made it this far, then the forest in on your side. It will not let you be harmed.

When you awake, the sun will be up.

Turn off your flashlight and put it back in your bag.

You will be standing just outside of a fairy ring. Do not enter it.

Take out your food and water. Eat some, but leave the rest at your feet.

Step into the ring and place the quarter on the ground, tails up.

Tell your loved one you are coming for them. They will not hear you.

The quarter will sink into the ground. You may now enter the Underworld.

Put on one of the coats. It will be very cold.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are sinking into the ground. Do not open them until you smell smoke.

When you open your eyes, you will be underground. A tunnel will stretch out before you.

Replace the batteries in your flashlight. It will get dark very soon

Follow the tunnel. You will feel cold. This is normal.

You will soon come across a small house. Knock on the door.

A dark-haired woman will open it. There is something wrong with her eyes. Do not stare.

She will ask you for something pretty. Give her the rose

She will smile at you and invite you in for something to eat. Enter the house, but politely refuse any food.

Talk to her for a while. She likes the company.

She’ll tell you a secret. Pretend that it doesn’t bother you.

Eventually, she will give you an item. I do not know what it will be. It’s different for everyone.

Thank her for being so kind. She wasn’t always like this.

Say goodbye and exit the house. Continue down the tunnel

You will be walking for a long time. If you need to sleep, do so. When you wake up, continue walking.

You will find food in your bag. Do not eat any of it.

You will get to a river guarded by the woman you met before. Do not ask her how she got here so fast.

Say hello and show her the item she gave to you. She will take it and give you your flower back.

You are now allowed to cross the river. Get in the boat. Don’t think about how it wasn’t there before.

Let the boat take you to the other shore. The fog will make it hard to see. Trust me that it’s better that way

When you get off the boat, the fog will be too dense to see clearly.

You will start to come across wandering souls. They will not care that you are here. They are too miserable.

The silence will be unbearable. Hum a song to yourself.

You’ll be wandering around for a while. Don’t give up hope. You’ll find them soon.

When you do, softly say hello.

They will not remember you. Don’t take this personally. They don’t remember themselves either.

Don’t touch them, not yet.

Their eyes will seem far away. It’s alright. They are listening.

Talk to them for a while. Don’t give your name and do not tell them theirs. They don’t trust you yet.

They’ll soon realize you are alive. When they do, answer their questions about the world above.

Ask them if they are cold. The answer will be yes.

Offer them the coat you are wearing. It will already be warm. You have body heat, they do not.

When they take it. Put on your other coat.

At this point, they will ask if you know them. Say yes and tell them their name.

They will like having an identity again. Try not to cry when they smile.

Hand them their item of importance. It will help them trust you.

Tell them your name and ask them if they want to leave.

If they say yes, take their hand. They will feel like a corpse. Try not to let this faze you.

Do not let go of their hand.

Walk back to the river. You will find it. The Keepers don’t like the Living in the Underworld.

The woman you met earlier will be there. Give her the rose again. She will give you back the item from her house.

Get in the boat.

When you reach the shore, exit the boat.

Your loved one will have some trouble keeping up. They are exhausted. The dead cannot eat or sleep, no matter how much they want to.

Keep walking. Try not to notice how hungry you are.

Do not eat the food in your bag.

While you walk, talk to your loved one. They don’t know it, but they’ve missed you.

They will trip and fall at some point. They are very tired.

They will start to cry. Don’t let this break your heart. Instead, tell them they will be able to rest soon.

For now, pick them up and carry them in your arms. Don’t worry, they will be very light.

Try not to notice that they aren’t breathing. It will only make you feel sick.

Keep talking. They will be too tired to respond, but they are listening.

When you see the woman’s house, tell your loved one that you’re almost there.

Keep walking and don’t turn around.

You’ll feel something watching you.

Don’t turn around. Please.

You’ll notice you’ve stopped talking. Start humming that song again. It will help stave off the fear.

Stop walking and place your loved one on the ground. Pull out the blanket and wrap them in it. Pick them up again and keep going. You’re almost there.

You’ll see a light up ahead. Feel the relief flooding through you and run towards it.

When you step out of the fairy ring, immediately place your loved one on the ground.

Encourage them to breathe. They will have forgotten how to.

When they start to breathe again, retrieve the food that you left on the ground earlier.

They’ll want to fall asleep. Make sure they eat and drink before they do so.

They will be very cold. Do whatever you can to keep them warm.

Thank whatever gods you believe in for letting you bring them back.

Go to sleep. Nothing will harm you here.

When you wake, do not disturb your loved one. They haven’t slept in so long. Wait until they wake up on their own.

Take them home. They will not remember you at first, but they will regain their memories soon.

Don’t tell them how they died. It’s best if they don’t know.

Spend time with them. Most people don’t get a second chance.

More guides

How to be a stranger

If your reflection is missing

If you are a researcher or adventurer and want to share a guide, join our subreddit! 

[onceafuckup]

Well fuck....

+I slammed my front door shut with a loud crash and bounded down the stairs two at a time. I didn’t even bother looking back to see if the door actually stayed closed or bounced back open as it had several other times lately. What did it matter if someone came in and stole everything. The house was fucking trashed, had been since the night after the Fade ceremony last …I squinted my eyes and tried to think of how long ago it was. A month, maybe two? I lost track. That night I came home after sitting at the crash sight with my stolen Herra, I’d been piss drunk and pissed off. I shredded all of Blay’s clothing, tossed everything into a heap, not caring if things shattered and glass was sent flying. It was all material bullshit that did nothing. He was gone so it didn’t fucking matter anymore. Most of my shit ended up in that same pile because it had been gifts, things he thought I’d like, and I had, but it wouldn’t bring him back, nothing would. So fuck it. I’d probably torch the place soon. Into the ashes and all of that shit. But for now, I had places to be.

I double checked that I had my wallet and two brand new bottles of Herra shoved into the pockets of my jacket and I dematerialized from my little white picket hellhole where I spent 25 years with the man I loved and went to the only place I could feel close to him right now. The grass was starting to regrow, obscuring the charred marking from that awful night but still, if I focused hard enough, I could see everything as if it were that night. I could still see the mangled wreckage of the car. I could still smell him and his blood as if it were permanently ingrained in the dirt now. I folded my legs and dropped to my ass below the tree that bore the scars of where his car had wrapped around it and tipped the bottle back.  It didn’t take long for the conversation to start. Or what would be construed as a conversation if there were another person around anyway. It was the same as every night, I loved him, I hated him, I was so fucking pissed off at him for leaving me like he did.

Didn’t he know I needed him? That I could NOT survive without him? The empty bottle of Herra was thrown until it crashed against something hard and shattered into a million tiny shards. I should feel bad, but I didn’t. All I had in me was anger, loneliness, and disappointment. The anger was growing, fiercely though. I’d been pulled off patrol until I was ‘ready’…or until Mary gave me the okay, which wasn’t going to happen if I didn’t talk to her. I’d been avoiding that shit like the damn plague. I didn’t need a fucking head doctor, I knew what was wrong and what was wrong was that my hellren left me. I stayed out of communication with everyone since that last blow up. My phone hadn’t been charged since the night of the Fade ceremony, I was only at the house from sun up to sun down and then left as soon as humanly possible. There’d been notes left, but I simply crumbled them up and tossed them into one of the many piles of crap building up. I didn’t trust myself with seeing any of them. I couldn’t deal with the happy little faces of the families that were all over the Manse. Dealing with the trainees would result in someone being put in the hospital, at my hands. Only for the fact I was pissed at all of them. I hated they got to be happy. Hated the trainees had a whole life ahead of them when I could remember the excitement Blay and I held at being in that same fucking position. Hell, even Tohr had centuries with his mate before she was taken, then he got a second chance with the whole Scribe’s blessing bullshit. I was the cast out, the discarded, the one who took advantage of that happiness when I should have been preparing for this moment. This was the life I deserved, the curse my parents had instilled in my brain since the moment I opened my eyes. Fuck them. Fuck them all.

Rationally, it didn’t make sense for me to direct my anger at anyone, I knew I was the one ultimately responsible. But since I couldn’t beat myself up, I’d have to find someone who could, and who’d let me get a few licks in as well. Yeah, that sounded like one hell of a plan to me. I cracked open the second bottle and took a deep pull before screwing the top back on and tucking into my inner jacket pocket then I sent my molecules downtown where I knew a fight would be waiting for me.

It didn’t take me long to find the trouble there. I’d finished off my second bottle, getting closer to the clubs when I smelled it. That sickly sweet scent of the enemy. I wobbled a bit as I reached for my daggers and slunk around the corner tracking them. I wasn’t quiet and they weren’t really trying to get away. It was kind of pretty much the recipe for a perfect storm.  Two against one and all of us with our own version of a death wish it seemed. Nothing was quick, nothing was easy, on my end that was because I saw four rather than two and swung wildly with each sweep of my blade. We toyed, we teased. In the end, they were a distant memory and I stumbled from the ally covered in blood, mine and theres. My right arm hung lamely at my side due to the pain and numbness from the fresh gunshot through the upper arm, my jaw was halfcocked and refused to click back into place just yet. I needed more liquor to deal with that one. For the moment though, that was the only pain I felt. It wasn’t bone deep, it didn’t threaten to consume me, it was different than the pain of the past month or so. It was something I needed. I also needed more. I tucked their wallets in my pockets and turned down another back alley before I was seen by nosey ass humans and continued my hunt. I smelled them before I heard them and growled soft as a bullet whizzed past my ear. I spun, sending the space spinning with me as the last traces of the alcohol lingered around, but then I saw them. Two newbies, barely turned. They grinned like they won the lottery as they took in my battered body, whispering and nudging each other about taking down a big one. Yeah, that’s right boys, bring it the fuck on. I glanced up towards the sky and uttered a quiet thank you to Blay for sending me such fun prey tonight and then it was game fucking on.

One of them shot again, but I swear they must have gone to storm trooper training school with the rate of their accuracy. It swung so damn wide I was fairly certain it pinged off the wall ten feet to my left. I kept my pace as I stalked towards them and the bad shot must have seen the batshit crazy clearly written on my face because he stepped back suddenly looking not quite as confident as he had moments before. His buddy tried again, bringing his gun up and aiming it towards me. I grabbed the barrel and pushed his arm away almost at the same time as he pulled the trigger. The barrel burned red hot in my grip as I pulled it from his grip, bringing my other arm up, or trying at least before remembering I couldn’t get the damn thing to work. Instead I used my gun grip to pull him close before head butting him in the face. He dropped back with a loud groan and storm trooper jumped me from behind. I shoved the gun in my pocket then reached over my shoulder, grabbing the lesser by the throat as I pried him off of me, gasping for air as I did. His back hit the pavement and I drove my boot into his ribs with all the weight I possessed. It felt good. Really fucking good. I drew my foot back and kicked again before dropping to my knees and pounding him with my good fist. I laughed at the way his nose cocked off to the side and liquid poured from it each time my fist and elbow connected. He stopped fighting after a few minutes and that’s when I noticed his buddy slowly scooting away. That wasn’t going to work. I turned towards him, pushing off the asshole on the ground, and jumped on him. My fist connected with his face and I barely noticed the knife he held as it drove between my ribs. Fangs bared, I let out a rumbling growl as I used that fresh pain and new wave of anger fuel me.

His face was unrecognizable as much of anything when I slowly pushed off him, my anger sated for now. I grabbed my dagger and popped each one in the chest, then gathered up their wallets for later. Dawn was approaching, I could feel that tingle in my spine. It was tempting to stay here and let it claim me, but I didn’t, I couldn’t. I wanted to go down fighting, at least give my kids the illusion I didn’t just give up. It was a lot better than them knowing their dad was a fucking coward. I pushed to my full height and grimaced as I pulled the knife from my side. Staunching the flow of blood with my bad hand as I tucked the knife into a pocket as well. I didn’t want to leave anything for the humans to find, I had that much sense left in me at least. And after one final walk through, I took that slow deep breath and sent my molecules home, damn near collapsing on the porch when I made it. There was a fresh note on the door and I read it as the sun started peeking over the horizon. The Brotherhood would have to try harder if they thought an official summons was getting my ass to the manse any time soon. I sighed and then crumbled it up and tossed it with the others as I made my way inside. I turned towards the cabinet with the liquor in it and stopped dead in my tracks. My eyes lifting as a low growl spilled from my lips, fangs extending as I braced for the coming fight+ What the fuck are you two doing here? Get out of my…

+My words were cut off by the sound of the shutters closing for the day, trapping the three of us here. Well fuck me.+ 

[onceafuckup]

The soul usually knows what it needs to do to heal itself. The challenge is to quieten the mind.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[onceafuckup]

To the Fade

+I scrubbed my hand over my face and then stared at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe I had to do this today. Hell, any day. This was not how life was supposed to go. We were to have centuries together. A full lifetime, not one cut short by one stupid ass mistake. It should have been me. I should be the one they are sending off into the fade. I couldn’t even look at myself without wanting to be ill. I drew my hand back and punched the mirror, not even feeling it as the glass shards dug into my skin. The mirror splintered, falling down in tiny pieces on to the marble basin. Only enough fragments held on to reflect my mismatched eyes back to me. The curse had come true after all. I should have known better than to expect happiness for long. Hell, it lasted longer than it probably should have. We’d had over twenty seven years together as mates, and a decade or more before that as friends. We had the twins, we had a life. All the things I was never supposed to have. Not if the honor guard had had their way. If my parents had had their way. If they had, perhaps Blay would still be alive, mated to Sax or someone far better. Living his best life possible. I eyed the shards of glass in the sink. One found it’s way between my fingers, hovering my vein…

The door rattled and the glass fell into the sink from my fingers before I spun on my heels. The door rattled again and for a moment, one second of hope in this hell that was now my life, I thought it was Blay telling me to move my ass. He’d had to chase me out of the bathroom to get ready more times than I could count over the last twenty seven plus years. “Qhuinn, son, it’s time.”

The voice that came through wasn’t Blay’s but it was just as familiar to me as his. Rocke was waiting. I couldn’t let them down too. I had to make it through this and then…well, that would be an entirely different story, wouldn’t it. I washed my hands in the sink, then wrapped them in towels to stem the bleeding+ Be right there. Just need to finish up.

+I heard him hesitate, as though he knew, but then he sighed, “I know this is hard, but we’re here for you, Qhuinn. Not just because it’s what he would have wanted, but you’re like a son to us too.” I choked on the sob that threatened and waited until I heard the footsteps fade away before I unwrapped my hands, thankful the bleeding was only superficial, then splashed water over my face once more. I dried off and hung the bloody towel carefully on the rack, then grabbed the white robe from the hook. I tugged it over my shoulders, pulling the hood up over my head and then left the bathroom. Rocke and Lyric were sitting in the wingback chairs opposite the bed. Rocke looked stoic as usually but Lyric, she was a mess. Not that I blamed her. Her eyes were puffed and red rimmed and she had given up any pretense of wearing make up for this day. She gave me a watery smile and dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief, “Everyone is already downstairs, but we wanted to wait for you. Are you certain you don’t mind us keeping his ashes?” I shook my head, my words stilted as I tried to get them out+ You should have them, it’s what he would want.

+That was the crux of it all, what he would want. I had to continue to put one foot in front of the other because that’s what he would want. I had to do the ceremony here because that’s what he would want. I had to pretend I was fucking stronger than I felt, because that’s what he would want. It didn’t matter that I wanted to crawl out into the sun to join him. It didn’t matter that I wanted to run away and hide. It didn’t matter that I wanted to tell everyone to take their platitudes and sympathy and shove it right up their fucking asses. It didn’t matter that I wanted my fucking hellren by my side where he belonged. What I wanted didn’t matter a damn bit anymore. Lyric pushed from the chair and came over to me, wrapping her arms around my midsection as she let out another tearful sob against my chest, “He loved you, Qhuinn, more than anything. Thank you for loving him in return.”

My arms wrapped around her for a moment, then Rocke joined in, squeezing us both. There were no more words. There didn’t need to be. Not at this moment. If I held on a little longer than solely necessary, I could hardly be blamed. A discrete knock came to the door and we broke apart, each of us dabbing our eyes. Fritz called out, asking if we needed anything. We declined and told him we were on our way. That was the cue. There was no turning back. Not now. Rocke and Lyric led the way, their white clothing nearly blinding me through my watery eyes. Everything was so bright and not all at the same time. They didn’t have to dress as they did, but they wanted to honor Blay the way the rest of the Brotherhood would. Everyone else would be wearing white and each Brother would be in a hooded robe. So similar to our mating ceremony yet so different at the same time.

Candles flickered as we made our way down the grand staircase and I nearly tripped over myself when I saw the crowd that awaited. Every Brother, every shellan, each young and their mates, trainees, glymera…the large hall was packed with those who loved and came to honor my hellren. The doggen must have been shuttling people in for hours. Because this obviously wasn’t going to be hard enough to deal with. The crowd parted like the sea for Lyric and Rocke, allowing them to take the chairs towards the front of the room near their grandchildren. JM stood up front with Wrath, the Brothers standing in a semicircle around them, heads bowed. There was nothing left in me to shatter at the sight before me, or so I thought. Off to the right was a pedestal displaying a blown up photo of Blay, then next to it one of our little family of four, the opposite side of the aisle was another photo, this time including Layla and Xcor in our family, and then finally one with Rocke and Lyric in it as well. Each one Blay was smiling like he’d won the fucking jackpot. I wondered if he knew his future if he would have run the other way. It was too late now though, for us both.

Time slowed as I made it those last few steps towards the front of the crowd. My robe fell to the ground and I dropped to my knees before my King and my best friend. My head bowed immediately and I placed my hands outstretched before me. The room was silent, which was surprising for the amount of people filling the space. Wrath didn’t even have to tell everyone to shut the fuck up before he started. I’m sure that disappointed him. I knew he liked to command. A hysterical laugh threatened to bubble up at the thought and I barely managed to tamper it down before he spoke. He spouted on about Blay’s accolades, how he was a stand up male of worth, one who would help anyone and everyone should they need it, how he helped raise two amazing trainees…on and on he went. His voice faded out in my head as I replayed my own memories and thoughts. I didn’t want to or need to hear someone else prattle on about my hellren or about how we never know what’s coming or how he will be blessed in the fade or any of that other bullshit. I knew it all by heart. Anyone who knew Blay knew he deserved the platitudes and that his blessings, if the fade truly existed as we believed, would be bountiful. It was selfish of me to even think of denying him that too. No, we had to deal. Wrath finished and then called for each Brother to step up to the alter. Each bother had their arms sliced by the ceremonial dagger and they bled into the large silver bowl of salt that waited there. Their blood symbolizing that we all hurt and all bleed with each loss. When each had bled, JM had poured the water into the bowl and gave it a good mix.

I lifted my head then, just slightly to watch as JM then grabbed the ceremonial brand from the fire. He looked as though he were carrying that extra weight on his shoulders and that last sliver of my heart hit the bottom of my stomach. He walked behind me and settled a hand on my shoulder while Wrath did the honors of speaking for him. The blind and the mute…yeah, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Wrath tipped his head towards where I was, his voice clear and deep, “What is the name of your dead?” I signed and whispered out Blay’s name. I barely remembered not to flinch when the branding iron bore into that first letter on my back. Wrath asked again, his voice slightly louder “What is the name of your dead?” My voice cracked as I spoke out his name once more. The brand hit my skin, the flesh sizzled and I still managed to remain steady. Each letter was followed by Wrath asking once more, “What is the name of your dead?” Blay’s name left my lips a little easier, and a little louder, with each turn until I was screaming his name with every ounce of energy I had in me. My tears fell now as the branding iron struck my back, covering up his name. I heard the sniffles behind me, barely background noise but there nonetheless. It came time for the final lettering I felt JM shift behind me as a new body..no, two new bodies approached. This time it wasn’t Wrath who spoke, but the joined voices of my children, “What is the name of your dead?” Each one had settled a single hand on each shoulder when I bellowed out his name, shaking to the very foundation of my being. The candles flickered and together my children pressed the brand into the K on my edge of my shoulder, searing the skin. JM, or someone, took the branding iron and both kids gave my shoulder a squeeze, whispering their love before they went back to their chairs.

JM came back with the silver bowl and a cloth. He poured the bloody salt water over my back, sealing off the wounds and forever tarnishing my skin. It burned so much deeper than the surface. I felt it throughout my entire body. The wound was sealed and my memories were forever locked in me. JM took the cloth and wiped down my back before he folded it up and handed it to Wrath. Wrath placed it in a small wooden box that held a small vial of Blay’s ashes, then stepped in front of me. I lowered my head and held out my hands towards him, “Blaylock was not a brother in arms, but our Brother none the less, we all feel his loss deeply.” He handed me the box and settled his hand on my head for the briefest of moments before stepping away. He then turned and gave another nearly identical box to Lyric and Rocke before addressing the crowd once more, “There will be food in the dining hall for anyone who wishes to remain and share stories of Blaylock, otherwise, the doggen can return you to your vehicles.”

Wrath was leading people out, giving me this moment to myself. Or mostly to myself. I felt the presence of others but I didn’t turn to look at who remained. I held the small box in my hands, all I would have left of him and as I closed the lid, I felt that snap in my brain that closed everything else off. That cold hollowness had returned and that’s what I had left to cling to. I felt my robe drape over me and whispered a thank you to my daughter before telling her to join her grandparents and that I would be there soon. I wouldn’t be, but she didn’t need to know that. The rest of those remaining cleared out over time and only then did I push to my feet. I heard the voices and the muted laughter and turned the other way. I stopped briefly in the game room to grab a few bottles from the bar, and then after dropping off the box in my room and changing into leathers and a tee, I slipped out into the night, bottles in hand+

[onceafuckup]

Nightmare

+After the emotional toil of the day, visiting the crash scene, telling the kids and then making plans for the ceremony, I was fucking drained, yet I was still wired. JM had agreed to be the one to carve up my back, something I’d asked him when I found him waiting as he’d promised. We did a slow walk around the grounds to help soothe my nerves and he was almost offended that I thought he might say no. I had to explain it was only because I wanted to try to keep it from touching him more than it had already. But as he said, who else would I want other than the guy who’s been by my side for decades. After that, we walked in silence almost until almost dawn, then he made sure I got my back and tucked away for the night. Blay and I had kept a room at the manse, but we also had our own place, I just wasn’t ready to face that one yet. Our room here would be hard enough. And as tired as I was, it took me forever to finally open that damn door. Once I did, I was assaulted with his scent. Dunhills, that fucking cologne he wore, his scent that came through regardless. I was glad the doggen hadn’t been in to clean yet. They were likely told to give me time. I wasn’t sure that was good or bad. I kicked off my boots, then peeled off my two day old tee and tossed it in the hamper, followed by my leathers and socks. I didn’t want anything separating me from his scent. I crawled under the covers, clutched his pillow tight, and inhaled deeply. I don’t know how long it took before the darkness finally claimed me.

“I can’t believe you pulled this off! You are usually the absolute worst person when it comes to keeping secrets.” I smiled at my hellren, his cheeks almost as the same color as his hair. I wished for the millionth time I could see that color proper. “How did you manage?”

I shrugged a shoulder, my grin stupid wide at his excitement. It had taken six months of careful planning and loads of bribing to keep mouths shit in order to pull this off. “I knew you wanted to come here, figured our twentieth anniversary was a damn good reason to make it happen.”

His fingers curled in the bottom of my tee and he tugged me even as he stepped closer. His lips tipped up in a grin and he leaned in to crush his lips to mine, “You sneaky bastard. I love it. Love you.”

“Love you too, nallum mine.” The kiss lingered in the foyer of the rental house I’d found for us, but I was in no hurry. We had one week of this place all to ourselves. We enjoyed the beach at nights, then enjoyed each other much of the days.

By sheer coincidence, our anniversary fell on some festival or something because as we sat under the stars feeding each other from the basket the restaurant had provided for us, fireworks burst in the sky overhead. We clinked our plastic champagne flutes and met each others gaze. You’d have though we were still newlyweds. I don’t know who leaned in first, but our lips met in a crush of teeth and tongues. My fingers thread through his hair and I was pushing him back on the blanket we brought from the rental. His hands slid under my shirt and that ignited the fire within that only his touch could. My cock was rock hard behind the thin beach shorts I had on which made it a pleasurable torture as I ground down agains him, feeling his own reaction. The scent of spice rose among the overwhelming garlic of the greek dishes we had and his fangs scrapped my tongue as his grin grew wicked. That hand slid down and reached into my shorts, squeezing my ass once before drifting around my hip. I let out a low growl and jerked my hips when his fingers closed around my cock. I uncurled my hand from the blanket and tried to slide it between us when we heard faint laughter coming closer. Fuck…humans. We both went wide eyed at each other and busted out into laughter as I rolled from him. I didn’t bother trying to rearrange my erection, but I did start hauling ass to pack everything up. Which would have gone faster had we not been stopping to steal kisses and dissolving into laughter once more. I slung everything over my shoulder and gathered my hellren back in my arms. The kisses grew feverish the closer we managed to the front door of the rental and the clothes started flying. By the time we made it inside, all I had to do was step out of my shorts as I dropped everything at the door. Blay’s laughter stoped when I stared at him with pure unadulterated hunger. He started backing away towards the bedroom, his fingers curling around his cock which he pumped slowly, taunting me. I let him get about five steps before I gave chase. I scooped him up and threw him down on the mattress then slapped an arm over his chest to pin him in place while my other hand grabbed his cock. “Mine.”

He grinned around his fangs, breathing heavily, “Yours, always yours, Qhuinn, until the Fade.”

“Damn right, always and forever yours, love of mine.” I leaned down and dropped kisses down his throat, then traced that line down his chest, never slowing my strokes along his length. Not even when my lips hovered and teased before I took him deep. There was no better sight than to watch him try to hold on to his control even when he wanted nothing more than to fuck my mouth. He had so much restraint, until he didn’t. And pushing him over was something that I lived for. I pulled my mouth off long enough to get my fingers spit soaked then took him deep once more. My fingers began to tease, readying him for the fucking of a lifetime. I hit that soft spongey spot and that was the end. He clutched my head, hips pistoning off the bed. I growled low and watched that growl ripple up his body. Curses fell from his lips, even more when I pulled off that cock with a deep loud slurp. I stood and after pulling my four fingers free, I grabbed his thighs, pushing them to his chest, “Hold on, love.”

He grinned a lustfilled grin and hooked his arms around his legs, pulling them wide so I could line myself up. I pressed forward, both of us groaning low as his heat enveloped me. “Scribe this never gets old.” He shook his head and angled his hips to get me to move, and who was I to deny him? Our bodies danced together, hard, hot, and fast. Scrapes from the bed moving across the floor mingled with our heavy breaths and growls, sweat dripped and skin slapped. So close…I lowered my head, striking his neck with a deep growl as my orgasm approached. I loved his taste when he was coming undone. Smokey and ….bitter? The tang burned my mouth.

I ripped my fangs free and flew backwards. Blay’s dead eyes stared up at me, his skin ashen and flaking already, “You killed me, fucker. I hope you’re happy.”

The scream that filled the air was haunted, hallowed, gutwrenching. Shaking…”Master Qhuinn…Master Qhuinn, wake the fuck up.” I writhed and pulled away from the hand on me, eyes flying open and staring down at…I blinked and scrubbed a hand over my face..+ Shit…I am so sorry, Fritz. Please tell me I didn’t wake up anyone else.

+The elderly doggen shook his head, “I was walking up to check on you when I heard you. Why don’t you come down and I’ll prepare you something to calm your nerves.” I nodded, not knowing what else to do+ Gimme a minute to get dressed and I’ll be right there.

+Anywhere was better than where I was. Fritz walked out and barely closed the door, so I knew he was standing there waiting. I untangled myself from the covers and pulled on a pair of track pants I wore for training and a battered tee I’d had since who the hell knows how long. Sleep wasn’t necessary, not if that’s what I would deal with. Nope, I just had to learn to live without. I stepped into a pair of slides and met Fritz in the hallway, following him to the kitchen and just going through the motions.+

[onceafuckup]

It was a privilege to love you, and it was a privilege to let you go. Both helped shape me into the person I have become.

Beau Taplin (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[onceafuckup]

Breaking the News

+When I got back to the manse, I could feel that heaviness descending on me once more. Whether it was knowing my children were waiting or just knowing what was to come, I wasn’t sure. JM slapped my back to get my attention and when I tipped my head towards him, his fingers were moving at half the normal speed, likely so I could focus in my bleary eyed state, “Want me to come with?” My first thoughts were,  ‘Fuck yes!’ ‘Please don’t leave me.’ ‘Yes, please help.’ ‘I can’t face this alone.’ But, it wasn’t his responsibility. He didn’t need that extra burden on his soul. Plus, my kids needed to hear it from me. I had to be strong for them. I shook my head slowly+ No, I need to do this alone.

+He must have heard that grit in my throat because he double checked that I was really okay or not. I nodded slowly and his fingers flew again, “Find me when you need me. I’ll be here.” I flashed the faintest of grins, the lump forming in my throat rendering me speechless. Instead, my own fingers moved to respond, “I will…find you and need you.” Then I followed it up with the sign we made up to show our affection for each other. Only the three…two of us now, knew it and used it. John returned the gesture and tapped it over his heart than mine. He didn’t walk away though. He stood silently by my side until I was finally able move my feet across the floor. I felt his eyes on me and something told me he was getting ready to catch me should I fall. That’s what we always did for one another, and I knew he’d be catching me again soon. Based on the hovering Shellans and doggen around, I was quickly able to find where my little family was waiting. I wondered what the kids were thinking, if they wondered why they were summoned and why their mahmen was here as well. Instinct told me Layla wouldn’t have said anything but the whole thing likely raised at least a little bit of an eyebrow. Scribe, I did not want to do this. I glanced back over my shoulder and saw JM watching me intently, still standing in that same spot. He gave me the slightest of nods and I let out a shaky breath before I turned back to the door. My hand hovered for a moment and I took another slow breath. It wasn’t going to get easier. I had to do this. My fingers closed around the handle and I pushed the door open. My breath catching in my throat when I saw Lyric and Rham sitting on the couches with Layla. Maybe I could slip out before they saw me, before I turned their world upside down. The thought was brief, but it made me stop for a moment, temptation coursing through me. It was too late though, Layla lifted her head, her eyes filled with sadness when her gaze landed on mine. The conversation stopped as my children turned to see what had their mahmen’s attention. I closed the door behind me, desperately trying to control my emotions before I continued across the room and slumping down in one of the overstuffed recliners. I couldn’t meet their faces. Instead, my head fell into my hands, elbows resting on my knees. My voice shook…each stuttered breath coming faster+ I…I … Blay…

+I tried again, forcing myself to breath slowly, but it was useless. I kept my head down, no way was I lifting my gaze now. I knew I needed to be strong for them  but I didn’t know how. Footsteps drew closer and a soft hand landed on my shoulder. I reached up and slid my hand over Layla’s, giving it a soft squeeze. We had our differences over the years but when it mattered we always had each others backs. Her and Blay were as close as anyone giving how much time they spent together raising the kids. The silence built and I could almost feel the weight of it crushing me down. “What’s going on, Pops, what about Blay?” Lyric’s voice wavered slightly as she spoke. I should have known my daughter would be the one to break the ice. She was far too much like me some days. Rham was more analytical. Lyric wanted the information so she could process everything. I think she knew if Iw as this worked up, it was something serious and she wasn’t going to like it. I hated doing this to them. Hated that I had to. Fuck you, Blay. Why did you have to go and die like that? Alone, trapped…fucking hell. My breath came out in short bursts and I decided to just rip the bandage off. It was that or allow the silence to swallow me whole.+ Blay was killed in a car accident. He was…we’d fought and he was angry. I don’t know all how it happened, but he wrecked a few miles from here and by the time anyone found him…

+I choked on the words, each one more difficult than the last. Rham’s silence finally broke, “That’s bullshit. Blay’s not dead. He was the most careful driver there was. What the fuck is wrong with you?” That snapped me from my haze and I lifted my head towards my son+ You think I’m making this up? For what, Rham, you tell me what do I have to gain?

+Lyric glared at her brother then crossed the room in a blink to throw herself into my arms. I’d barely registered her approach before my arms closed around her. Her sobs were soft against my shoulder. The room was filled with anger and sadness and everything in between. Layla went over to comfort Rham who was still glaring daggers at me as though he knew it was my fault.. and it was. I couldn’t blame my kid for that. He knew Blay, he knew me. It was inevitable that if there was a fuck up to be had, it was mine. I rubbed Lyric’s back, holding her close as she sobbed, trying to answer the hiccuped out questions regarding the when’s the why’s and the how’s and then came the difficult task. Once the tears had slowed, it was time to plan the ceremony. We weren’t going to hesitate. Two nights time, that would allow everyone to arrive, then we would give Blay the send off he deserved. I would not let what nearly happened to Wellsie happen to him. I owed him that and so much more.+

[onceafuckup]

When you’re depressed, you grasp on to anything that can get you through the day. That’s what depression is, not sadness or tears. It’s the overwhelming sense of numbness and the desire for anything that can help you make it from one day to the next.

www.coolnsmart.com (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[onceafuckup]

The only way I can describe the feeling of the way you left, is like throwing a ball for a dog, just for it to return to nobody there.

i’ll see you later, he said | Instagram  (via letters-from-alex)

[onceafuckup]

There is no reset button in life. You can’t take anything back, and you can’t undo anything. All of your actions have consequences, and the things you say and do today will have a lasting impact on the rest of your life. You have to understand that, and you have to be aware of it while making both small and big decisions throughout your day.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)