onedirection-555

[onedirection-555]

i realized that if I actually did it no one would find me or even know for a while. no one comes in my room or even talks to me for days at a time, so would it really matter if i was here or not

[onedirection-555]

get out of my face with the whole “it will get better” bullshit. genuinely sick of hearing it

[onedirection-555]

grief

two years ago, you left our house in plans of coming back after work. you hugged mom and gave her a kiss and hug while i stood there empty. it was just a hug in that moment and it didnt really matter because you would be back later right? i didnt think about that hug the whole night till we got the call. the hug then became the only thing i thought about. i wished i would be able to go back and warn you for what was going to happen. i wish i could tell you or wouldve been able to at least say goodbye to you. that hug became more than just a hug, it became the last time you wouldve held me. the last time i wouldve felt your rough skin comforting mine. the last time i wouldve smelled the smell of cigarettes in your clothes. and most importantly the last time i wouldve felt at home and at peace. i would give anything in the world to go back. i would pay any amounts of money, give everything i have away, or cut off everything and everyone in my life just to see you for five more minutes. 13 year old me didnt know what was coming her way and 15 almost 16 year old me can still only think about our goodbyes and the hug that i would kill to give you. 

[onedirection-555]

im done

i have put it in my calendar the day im going to finally do it and end it all. december 31st im going to give myself a couple months to give almost all my things away say goodbye to everyone and spend the last of my important days with people i love. i cant wait. 

[onedirection-555]

i hate myself sometimes

i feel like im empty. i feel like ever since my dad died im not existing not really living. since my dad died i found my boyfriend. he makes me feel not so empty. he helps me feel truly happy and makes me laugh on the darkest days. although he makes me happy i cant seem to live up to his expectations. i cant be the person he wants and i cant be his type. that hurts especially when he sends me these tiktoks asking if i could be like them but thats not me. maybe im just overthinking it but it still hurts.

[onedirection-555]

i want to get better

i always thought that i would want to stay in this mindset of being upset and depressed all the time because thats just how my toxic bi polar brain works but i want to get better this time. i want to take time for myself and do self care and turn my phone off to stop checking if he responded yet. i want to love myself and love my body again. i want to do things for me and not for other people just because i care too much. i want to focus on my schooling and my happiness and just worry about me for once. 

[onedirection-555]

toxic friends

cant wait to go hang out with my “bestfriends” tonight and act like they didn't just hang out together and not invite me :). not only that when I asked what they were doing they told me they were going to a practice for volleyball but actually they were swimming together! what great friends I have!

[onedirection-555]

wishing i had better friends

Every time my friends are upset i give them advice that makes them feel better. Every time im upset its like they don't care. All they say is “i know” or “its ok”. THAT DOESNT HELP. At this point I'm begging for help literally screaming but it seems like no one truly cares about me :/ . Its fine though I guess I don't really need friends.