oniebarrientos

[oniebarrientos]

Maybe the RPm that I wanted won’t be mine this year.

Five days until I take the board exam and I somehow wish I wouldn’t take it this year. 

These days, I keep imagining myself on my way to the testing center and running off to another place and just cry with myself. I want to go to a place where no one would bother me. I would turn off my phone and have two days for myself not talking to the people I know. Some people would be wondering why am I giving up so early before the exam could even start?

Well, it’s kind of my fault actually. I wasted 2 or 3 months. Those months felt like I was back in 2017 again, the worst year of my life. I felt hopeless and I attempted suicide 2 times. My boyfriend and I almost broke up twice and all the emotional breakdown that I had was constant every day. Each waking day, I felt empty, like there’s a black void on my chest. I don’t know if I want to carry on living anymore. I felt like I was going crazy. I considered going to a therapist but then I don’t have the time to do that because I have an exam to prepare.

Now, I’m trying to catch up on all the topics that I needed to learn but as the day of the board exam gets nearer, I find myself feeling exhausted and defeated. I‘ve uttered the words “I give up, I don’t want to take the board exam anymore” so many times to my mom and my boyfriend but then I get back to reviewing anyway. But these days, I feel exhausted. I’m tired. And some part of me is giving up.

My mom and my boyfriend kept uplifting me and telling me that I can do this. They kept believing in me every time I didn’t believe in myself. And I honestly felt bad for myself. I felt so shitty that these people are trying their best to make me see what a great person I am and how I have the potential to be better on the things that I love. I slapped myself to get my shit together and sober up from my misery. I tried to blame myself for dreaming too high and end up being like a piece of shit.

I thought to myself, maybe the RPm I wanted won’t be mine this year. I wish I didn’t take the board exam so soon. But there’s no turning back now. Now, I tell myself to do what you can in this board exam because I know this is not my best. It’s just that, life happened. And sometimes in life, not everything is linear. Not everything we planned is set in stone.

And with that, congratulations to the upcoming BLEPP 2019 passers. One day, I will too.

[oniebarrientos]

Get my shit together because I need to.

It’s been a while since I’ve written to myself. I’ve been procrastinating for a while now and I don’t like being stagnant. I don’t want to be a statue, not moving from the spot where I let myself believe is my endpoint and the last thing there is to do is die. I haven’t been studying that much for my board exams and I know I deserve a slap of reality to kind of push me where I want to be but recently I felt like I have no direction on how to get there. There’s a compass to where I need to go but the problem is me not taking the road, not taking the first step. I’ve been feeling awful about myself lately and I want to see a therapist or a psychologist because I am suffering and I do need help. Unfortunately, the help that I need is inaccessible and I can’t afford it, which makes me very sad about it. But the unfortunate reality that I’m living in is one of the reasons why I strive to be what I want to be. In a world where stigma in mental health exist, my country needs mental health professionals to serve the masses and as an aspiring psychometrician, I need to get my shit together even though I’m struggling every day. I need to get my shit together for the people that I will help in the future. I need to get my shit together for myself because no one’s going to do it for me. I hope when someone reads this, just know that you’re not alone struggling with yourself and let’s try to get our shit together.

[oniebarrientos]

I’m not okay, and I’m still trying not to be.

My first day on in the review center has started last Monday and the feeling of being in a sea of psychology majors preparing for the board exam seems comforting yet alien for me. I have this comfort feeling that I’m not alone on this journey and I’m not the only one who’s going to suffer burying their between the pages of our psychology books late at night, but at the same time, it feels so new to me so I don’t know how to feel. We took diagnostic exams on the four major subjects which will be the cover our board exam and on the first subject, I was already tired of answering. But I’m glad I did get took the diagnostic exam because I now know what I’m lacking and what I need to learn.

I thought on my first day I was going to be motivated to study on this for the board exam but I just felt... empty. Yesterday, I couldn’t sleep and I was crying as the demotivating thoughts come clouding my mind again. They are crawling back up from the mental grave where I buried them. My body felt so tired and I can’t help but cry again. I hate this feeling. I hate it when I’m too emotional. I easily give in to my thoughts and feel the anger, disappointment, and sadness for myself.

For the last few days, I have been unproductive and tired. I know that I should try harder than this. I should be studying for the boards because I know that this is important for me and this is my dream so I should be making a huge effort for this. I feel so tired and sad and sometimes I couldn’t describe what I’m feeling but I know that it is not a good feeling. Luckily, my boyfriend is there for me. He has been the only person who is there for me even when I’m in a sad place. There are times where he is able to get me out of that sad and lonely place with his embrace and kisses that I love getting from him. The way he holds my hands as his brown irises stare at me as he mutters comforting words that will make me okay afterward. But there are times where I’m in too deep that I can’t get myself or my boyfriend to pull me out of this sad feeling. I fucking hate it so much.

Every morning, I always tell myself to try. At least try. For myself. Every morning is a new beginning and I want to get better. I want to help myself be better and start taking care of my mental health. I want to go to a therapist or psychologist but it’s such a shame that mental health services are expensive. I don’t have a job right now and I choose not to reach my dream. Maybe this is a sacrifice that I have to make for my dream? 

I always look at my pictures before and after when my mental health got worse. It was 2017 when my mental health really got worse. The environment was toxic and I’ve had so many suicide attempts that year. In 2018, I was happy because my boyfriend and I were official. I didn’t expect that this year, the cruel thoughts that I pushed at the back of my brain is slowing coming back again. I look at my pictures when I was genuinely happy and I thought to myself ‘mukha naman akong tanga.’ And you know what? Happiness does make you look foolish sometimes that it’s worth working for again.

This time I won’t give in. Not when I’m months away from my dream of becoming an RPm. The first step on changing is to admit that I’m not okay and that’s okay. After that, let’s try not to be for the long term. I don’t want to sabotage myself like that. I know there’s still hope for me.

Before I go to sleep, I’ll tell myself to overthink the shit out of this, feel sad and lonely and after I’m tired of doing that, I’ll remind myself that these shitty thoughts and feelings will fleet anyway. I’ll be okay.

And when I way up, I’ll try again.

[oniebarrientos]

Hard days on my self

It's been a year since I last saw myself. The part of me I never wish to see again. He came back with explosives and a dagger on his hands, ready to destroy me again. He's trying to get back again after I tried to banish him off my mind. I thought I did. These past few days have been difficult for me. I kept asking myself, why should I be sad? My mom just got home, I graduated from college this year, I have friends, and I have a loving relationship with my boyfriend. Why am I not okay? Why am I feel empty and numb? Why am I lonely? I keep plastering a smile while I look myself in the mirror, hoping that what I look on the outside will influence what I feel inside. I'm trying to convince myself to smile and maybe I'll believe I wanted to smile because I was genuinely happy. Most days I'm fine until I wasn't. I've been down lately. There are times where I want to cover myself in a blanket and be alone for a day or two. I often self-loathe and maybe it's because I'm harsh on myself or I don't love myself enough not to hate myself. I've been doubting myself. My brain overthinking my decisions on my future will lead to a downfall and disappointment. That it's not worth exerting much effort on your dreams because you are not enough for it. That the things you want for yourself is not for you. Sometimes I blame myself for the mistakes I made. Maybe that's all I'm ever going to be. A mistake. Maybe I am one. Maybe I'm not worth a second chance to fix my mistakes. Maybe it's because I don't believe enough to Him. Maybe I am not worthy of love being given to me by the people I love. I know people won't love every part of me but I'm scared of them because what if they do love the bad parts that make me who I am? No one can achieve perfection. I have my shortcomings and so does everybody else. But sometimes I feel like I'm too much for everybody. I'm too pessimistic, debby downer, or just straight up not a positive person most of the time. I'm too aggressive to myself and to others. My toxic behaviors lead the person I love to suffer. I couldn't bear to see the one I love to be a mess because of the mess that I am. Because of all the shit, I have to deal with myself, I let him deal with it too and it was terrible. I cried and cried until there's nothing left. I am angry. I am sad. I am infuriated. I am down. I am tired. Again. I'm tired of myself. But my recent picture it says otherwise. You can see my smile but not the strings pulling the ends of my mouth.

The thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind again and I'm trying not to entertain it. I don't want it but somehow it's coming back. But it's there. The saddest thing about it is that I took so many times to kill myself that I just didn't bother doing it again and let myself suffer through living. But I still believe that I'm more than just being alive. That there's something for me that I deserve. Something good.

I wish to seek a psychologist so that I can understand myself better and develop healthy coping mechanisms. I don't want to cut myself anymore. I don't want to beat myself. I'm trying my best not to. I want to be healthy because I need myself back and someone out there needs me too. I know that it's going to be shitty at times but I must pull through.

I hope I can convince myself to believe that.