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I was once that “psycho girlfriend” people talk about

In March 2017, I landed my first real full time job. I had done part time jobs up until then such as a bakery, a cafe, things like that. This was my first full time job, with pretty decent pay for my age, I had a ton of disposable income. I was 19. The job was in a warehouse, it wasn’t easy, but it was interesting. I basically packed goods for the MOD like plane parts and such. I really loved it. The packing department was a small room within the building, like a box, it had it’s own ceiling that was a normal height, because obviously the actual factory was very tall. It was a cosy area to work in because in the start there was only 4 of us packing, and I was good friends with them all. We all had our own desk that we could arrange how we wanted, and I loved it, it felt so grown up. I also got to interact with the rest of the warehouse staff as others would be in and out of packing to either talk to the supervisor or use the photocopy machine. The person we saw the most was Josh, as he would be in and out with paperwork for the supervisor, Rich. I remember the first time I saw Josh, he was tall (over 6ft), kind of stocky but not overweight, just a big guy. He wore glasses, had neat gelled back hair, and just generally looked intelligent. He wore a shirt and tie to work as he was an office person, whereas I was factory-floor so just dressed comfortably. I remember vividly I was sat at what was my desk at the time, which faced the door to enter packing, and Josh walks in, approaches my colleague, Arthur, and says “Art, may I briefly liberate your tape measure?” to which Art handed it over and Josh replied “huzzah!” I mentally remarked that he seemed well educated, which was something that appealed to me at that age for some reason, hypocritical really considering I’m not well educated myself. I don’t remember exactly what started it, but me and Josh started to chat every time he would come to packing, which I enjoyed because he was a good person to have a conversation with, no awkward silences. It of course didn’t take long for me to add him on Facebook, and from there things moved fast, too fast. 

April rolls around, and me and Josh had been friendly since March, only a couple of weeks before then. We were talking at work one day and realised that we were both going to Bristol, the nearest city to us, on Saturday, for different purposes. We pondered meeting while we were there, as we thought it would be nice to meet outside of work, however we ended up both being too busy to meet up that day, so Josh asked me if I wanted to get coffee the next day. So we met on the Sunday at midday at a local cafe, where we ended up sitting and chatting for 5 hours and it was lovely. Conversation flowed so naturally. I hadn’t actually registered it as a date, but apparently it was. I hadn’t done this sort of thing before, so attention from a guy like this was new to me. I should mention Josh is a bit older than me, only 5 years, but when we met I was 19 and he was 24, was although a small age gap, me being a teenager impacted the effect of the gap. While we were at the cafe, Josh asked me on a second date the following Saturday, to which I agreed to, but also didn’t realise was a date until a few days later when it clicked. So I messaged him on the Wednesday asking “I was just thinking about Saturday, is it...a date?” he replied “hey, I was hoping it would be, as long as you’re comfortable with that?” I said “are we...a thing? Like not an official thing thing like Facebook relationship status thing but sort of a thing exclusive to us for now thing maybe possibly” to which he replied “yeah I would say we are, I think. As long as you want to be of course? Then we just take it slow and see how things go?” the irony of ‘take it slow’ is funny now. So on the Saturday we did dinner and a movie, classic date. In fact it was lovely, we had noodles at Wagamamas, and then we saw Beauty and the Beast and had the entire cinema to ourselves as no one else had tickets for that time. I had a lovely night, but somehow it felt off. It was amazing, yet it didn’t feel like a date. It certainly was a date, it had all the characteristics of a date, but I think something deep inside me didn’t actually want to date this man as much as I wanted to just be friends. Of course me being me I felt bad telling him this, and not only that but I just thought maybe because it’s all so new I’m just freaking out, and my thoughts will settle soon. The longer I waited, the bigger hole I dug myself into. 

April, May and June were actually pretty fun. I met Josh’s friends, he met my friends, and we all got along. I had made a bunch of new friends, and I loved it. For a while, I was on top of the world. We had some great days out in Bristol with his two close friends Rhi and Marcus. We drank in various pubs, we ate in nice restaurants, we played games in a board game cafe, we walked around, we even went to a secret bar where you have to know how to get in to drink in there. The first time we met up with them was the time that one of only two photos of me and Josh to ever exist was taken. 

It was a Polaroid, so we had one physical photo of us and one digital photo that we took on my phone, and that was it for 2 years. 

Josh’s birthday was in June too, on the 24th. I bought him an archived newspaper that was printed on the day he was born, so he could see what was happening on and around June 24th 1992. He was a History buff, with a degree in the subject, so he absolutely loved the present and treasured it so much. It was this day that we went to his Mum and Step-dad’s house for a BBQ to finish his birthday, I don’t remember if it was my first time meeting them, but I remember when we walked back to mine that evening I commented “you’re right, your Step-dad is a dick” because he was, Josh did a little happy dance at the fact that I agreed with him and hugged me. It was also this day that I suggested that if we move out into our own place, he wouldn’t have to live with him anymore. Josh was very happy, and I was happy for him, but I was nervous. I act on impulse a lot, and this was one of those moments. So began our hunt for a place to rent. We actually got very lucky and moved into a 2 bedroom house on the 4th August 2017, exactly 4 months after we had got together. One of my fondest memories is actually sitting on the floor of our new, empty house, drinking a cup of tea, where I remarked that we will never forget this moment. The first night that we officially spent in our house, on the 4th, we ordered Chinese food and sat at our new dining table to eat it, this was a happy moment. 

From August to November that year, we were happy, except I still wasn’t attracted to Josh. I really wanted to be, but I wasn’t and I couldn’t force it. This raised the issue of sex. I was still a virgin at this point, and a teenager. I was nervous about my first time. I had never really been interested in sex and always knew that I would do it one day but it would have to be someone I’m very attracted to, this meant that because Josh couldn’t turn me on, I could never get in the mood to do it with him. Spoiler alert I’m still a virgin now at age 22, although I really hope that changes soon to be honest. I told him all this though, right at the start of the relationship, and he was okay with it. He said he loved me for me and didn’t care what we did. That didn’t last unfortunately, because he’s human, and very different to how I was at that time. 

In November, I turned 20, and Josh took me on holiday for my birthday. I think my birthday was on a Tuesday that year, and we went Monday-Friday that week. In retrospect, his present to me was far superior to the newspaper I got him, but I didn’t have that kind of conscience back then. He paid for the whole thing, and everything we did while on holiday. On the surface it sounds like an amazing holiday, we stayed in a cabin in the Welsh countryside, no one around, a hot tub on the porch, the stars were visible a night because of the lack of light pollution, a dream holiday, right? It wasn’t. That week was the first argument. All couples argue I know, but it was bad for a couple as new as us. I’ve sort of repressed it from my memory, but I remember we were cycling somewhere and I was being generally whiny and ungrateful, so he stopped cycling to turn around and shout at me, and fair enough too. My birthday on the Tuesday was a pretty good day, we were going to cycle to a pub a few miles down the road for lunch, but it was a lot further than we thought and was raining, so it was a tough ride. A lot of uphill cycling or bike walking if it was too steep. However when we got to the pub, turns out it was closed, so we phoned a taxi that could fit both of our bikes and got a ride to the nearest town where we had a subway sandwich in a petrol station. I kind of loved it, it was a happy disaster because I love subway, it was a strangely wholesome way to spend my birthday. 

Things went downhill after the holiday though, in fact 2018 was generally just a blur. This was the only full year we spent together, as we got together in 2017 and broke up early 2019. It was bad, I was bad, I don’t know who I was. I was full of mood swings, I was angry that I didn’t want to have sex, and think I was just generally figuring myself out. 20 was a strange age to be as I wasn’t a teenager anymore, I was a proper adult with my own place, yet I was still so young. I can honestly say I was the psycho girlfriend. I would get mad at Josh all time because I was reflecting my own issues onto him, I was such an angry person. We only saw each other on weekends and briefly at work even though we lived together because Josh would get up before me to go to work until 5pm, I would start work at 2pm, in which time we would see each other around the warehouse a few times in those 3 hours, then I would come home at 10pm while Josh was already asleep. We would constantly go round in circles with the sex situation, we’d be upstairs trying to get it on, but I could never get into it enough to actually do it, I would enjoy a bit of foreplay but then would be turned off at the thought of touching him. I had a strange view on physical contact back then, where if I even attempted anything on Josh I’d instantly feel yucky and want a shower. I’m not like that anymore, in fact physical contact is the thing I long for the most these days. This killed our relationship though, because we would argue about it for half an hour, then go to bed angry. I would throw things across the room such as the pillows on the bed, and he would sit there like a dear in the headlights. I now realise that violence scared him because of his horrible Step-dad, and the guilt I’m carrying for the things I said to him in these moments is crippling. I would shout “WHY ARE YOU SCARED?! YOU’RE A FOOT TALLER THAN ME WHAT THE FUCK COULD I EVEN DO TO YOU?!” of course I was never violent to him, I only took it out on the poor pillows and scatter cushions, but he wasn’t to know that. I was suffering with chronic eczema at this time that went all the way up both of my arms. This was the main reason for my mood swings. I would scratch it all night until there was blood all over the bed sheet and I hadn’t had any sleep, this went on for months. I was irritable, nothing was making it any better. What I didn’t realise was the cause was simply stress, and I just made it worse and worse by getting more stressed about it not going away. No creams or ointments worked, prescribed or over the counter alike. I would wake up in the night scratching and angrily storm to the bathroom to apply cream that made it sting more because of it being applied to raw skin that had been scratched off, I would pace around, screaming and kicking things. No consideration for the fact that Josh had to be up in a couple of hours for work. This was the true psycho girlfriend period of time, and I hate myself for it. I can never forgive myself. As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, Josh paid for nearly everything. The rent, the bills, the food. I would get paid every week into our joint account and he would transfer me my spending money which was most of it as I complained that I didn’t earn much, then I would blow it all not be able to pay for anything like takeout food so he bought everything, always. I let this happen all year and felt no remorse at the time. 

Our relationship continued like this through to 2019, we never went on dates anymore, in fact we hardly went out of the house together because if we did we would have a public argument. The biggest mistake was going on holiday with 3 of my friends in January. Lottie and Alex- a couple, and Nicii, who was single at the time, but we made her feel included. I even shared a room with Nicii in the 3 bedroom villa, not just to keep her company but to have a break from sharing a room with Josh, plus he had a bed all to himself which must have been a nice break from me being a disruptive asshole in the night. I didn’t enjoy the holiday at all, me and Josh quietly argued the whole time, and I don’t know for sure if the others noticed but I think they did. At one point in the holiday I was in a bad mood and lashed out a little on my best friend Lottie for being bossy all the time, to which she remarked that I boss Josh around all the time, I was so hurt at the time, but she was right. That same day in the pool changing rooms me and Josh got into a big argument, whisper shouting to each other until it got to a point where Josh towered over me and whisper shouted that he’s breaking up with me. I instantly shushed him and tried to calm things down because of course this panicked me, we couldn’t break up on holiday with our friends we were only mid way through. I realise now that I saved the relationship then for my own pride other than anything else. I was selfish. 

After returning home from the holiday I was sad. My boyfriend hated me, I had failed my driving test 3 times and was desperate to pass before the holiday so we wouldn’t need a lift there but I didn’t and was angry at myself, then just to top it off my Granddad died at the end of January, the only Grandparent I had left. I was depressed, so in February I decided to turn a new leaf, be more positive. Of course it was valentines day midway through the month so I cooked a chicken pie for the both of us and even baked a heart shaped cake and got him presents. I had made him do all the cooking since we got together even though he worked a lot more hours than me. Then on February 22nd I passed my driving test at last, and felt the happiest I had in a long time, driving was something I was so desperate to do, now I had my own car and a full license, I was free. I could save the relationship that I never wanted to be in in the first place. Sounds ridiculous, right? This is how messed up my brain was at the time. Still, I tried to make things right, I picked Josh up from work that day in my car, I believe it was a Friday. I decided that the following day I would surprise him in the morning by getting up and driving us to a nearby town for a coffee date and walk, seeing as it had been so long since we had been on a date, and I was in a better place now, my eczema had disappeared even, but it was too late. I got home from late shift at work that night at about 10pm, and Josh was sat at the dining table. He told me to sit down, so I sat on the nearby sofa. He said he’s breaking up with me, things just aren’t working. He was right, but my first thought was “no, what will my friends and family think?” messed up. What a shitty way to view it. I instantly panicked and started trying to save the relationship again but he stood his ground. He told me about how he had been to his friend’s wedding a couple of weeks before hand and made friends with a couple there, he saw how happy they were and realised what he didn’t have with me. We were never right for each other and we both knew it, we just settled too fast. That night was the strangest of my life. He had a bag packed so he could stay at his Mum’s and then come over in the morning to get the rest of his stuff to move out. I said don’t be crazy you’ve lived here for two years don’t disturb your Mum this late. So he slept on the sofa, while I slept in our bed, my bed. Waking up the next morning was insanely weird, coming downstairs to him gathering his things, muttering an awkward “morning” to each other. I felt so numb and empty, I even had to go to work that day and try and just carry on like normal, but how could I? My life changed overnight, I now had to fend for myself, I lived alone with the small amount of money I earned from my retail job, nowhere near enough to afford a house. 

So Josh left, I came out on top in terms of material possessions because I still had the house, the 2 cats, the Nintendo switch, the king size bed, everything. I got very lucky, and I learned to be grateful for that. I just have so many regrets, I ruined 2 years of his life. I was that horrible psycho girlfriend that you hear stories about, and I didn’t even know that was me because I would have got defensive if anyone told me that was me. Josh is doing good now, he moved to South Korea to become an English teacher, which is amusing because that used to be my exact dream for the longest time, he hadn’t heard much about the whole concept of it until I mentioned that I was working towards it at the beginning of our relationship. That’s karma though isn’t it? He was the good person the whole time, so he gets to live his best life, and that’s completely fair. I’m doing okay these days too, I like my job, my best friend is my roommate, but I’m lonely. This is my true karma. The relationship department has been a complete flop since Josh, lots of trial and error, heartbreak, falling for people I can’t have, and this is what I deserve. I feel like I have to endure some sort of loneliness prison sentence before I can meet the right person. My 4 best friends are all in happy relationships; Shan and Jay, Lottie and Alex, Nicii and Jamie, and Emma and Joe. I have 8 happy, loved up people around me while I fail to connect with anyone, but I take it graciously because I know that if I can remain happy for all my friends and wait patiently, I can then forgive myself for what I did to Josh. I’ll endure this sentence and keep my head up because this is what I deserve and I know things will get better, I will find someone, but for now it’s a good time to continue reflecting and working on myself to become a better person every day. 

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I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be

I started my current job in November 2019, on a 2 month contract. I remember my first day, we were split into groups and assigned an instructor to train us. It was easy, it’s just putting items in boxes after all. My manager, Edgar, introduced himself quite early on in my first week. He was okay, very professional, didn’t seem like you could have much banter with him while working, but this made him a pretty decent manager when it came down needing something. His supporting team leader, however, I don’t recall ever being introduced to. I remember I would see him stood at the team lead desk working away on the computer, but didn’t know his name, or anything about him really, aside from the fact that he was a lead for my department. I didn’t think anything of him, he seemed like someone who mainly kept to himself, but to be honest that wasn’t even something that I noted in my head, he was just there. 

The first time I actually interacted with him was when they were sending people home due to a lack of workload, and he had to go around and ask everyone if they would like to be in with a chance of getting to home, or would rather just stay. When asked, I instantly said something along the lines of “wow yes please I’m having a shit day”. Negative, I know. I really was though, there was some crap going down at my other job, as I was still working at my old workplace just on Sundays in case I didn’t get a contract extension at current job. (Spoiler alert; didn’t get the contract, but was so sure that I would that I had already quit the backup job by the time I found out, but it worked out in the end, as I came back 2 months later on a new contract). Anyway, it was a Saturday, so I had to go to that other job the following morning, so going home at 2 o’clock that day sounded heavenly. The lead wrote my name down on his post-it-note, then before walking off asked “why are you having a shit day?” I just said “oh don’t worry about it, just some trouble at my other job” and laughed lightly. He just sort of nodded in acknowledgement and walked off. He came back a few minutes later to tell me that I wouldn’t be going home, as it was randomised from the list of people who said yes, until enough people had gone. I had obvious disappointment on my face, but let it go and tried to just carry on working. He then came back about 15 minutes later to say “hey did you still want to go home?” so I eagerly said yes. He said “go talk to Edgar and he’ll sort it out” I said okay thanks and headed off. I didn’t see him go to anyone else to ask if they still wanted to go, although maybe he did. I just wonder sometimes now if he pulled some strings to get be home because I was having a bad day. I didn’t think of it at the time, but I know now it’s something he would do if he could. I could be completely wrong though. 

So that was the first time we talked, and I still didn’t think anything of him at the time. I didn’t know his name still, I didn’t know where he was from, as I can’t pick up on accents, I could just tell he wasn’t from the UK and that was it. All my previous jobs had been smaller, more family-oriented workplaces, so I was used to knowing everybody, and being good friends with management. So it felt strange at first working in a massive building with 2000 people, all these different leads and managers, and not even knowing my team lead. Obviously because of this I went to Edgar if I needed anything or had a question. I could have gone to the foreign lead, but I’m quite an awkward person, so I felt weird about talking to him when I didn’t even know his name, even though he was much easier to find as he’s usually at the lead desk, whereas Edgar had to bounce around a lot more because of being a manager. So I used to just wait until I could see Edgar at the desk to go up and talk to him, oh how the tables turned since then. 

So time passed, Christmas time came, which is a very very busy period for my work. We have to do mandatory overtime for 4 weeks through December. This meant an extra day a week, and an extra hour every day. So instead of four 10.5 hour shifts a week, it’s 5 11.5 hour shifts, so 57.5 hours. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have that other job on Sundays, which was a 9 hour shift, bringing my working week up to 66.5 hours a week. It was a little too much, especially seeing as neither job was just desk work. One was warehouse packing, the other was retail. Of course I was very happy that retail was the 9 hours and packing was the rest, because retail is undoubtedly soul crushing, but the packing job isn’t the most idle job. It’s not manual labour heavy, but it’s a lot of hours on your feet doing the same thing over and over, in an overwhelmingly big, noisy building. I was stressed, and it showed. I thought I was good at hiding my emotions while in a professional situation, so either I’m actually not good at hiding them and my friends are all just unobservant (or just don’t care), or I am good at hiding them, but the lead is good at sensing when people are emotional. I now believe it to be the latter. Either way, I had my first proper conversation with him in December, and it’s a conversation I will never forget. I had become more familiar with him by then, just by being around him for so many hours a week, but I still didn’t know his name. It’s one of those workplaces, where there’s just so many people that you just can’t know everyone. Although I should have known my team lead, I just hadn’t heard anyone say his name because I wasn’t in direct contact with him all day, or even for much of the day. He was around, but there’s so many rows of packing stations and I’m just at a random one in the middle somewhere, so most of the day is spent on my own with just noise around me while I get on with my work. Still, I had become familiar with the people around me, but I only knew the names of the people I sat with in the canteen on break. Why didn’t I just ask the lead’s name? Like I said, I’m awkward, and it felt too late to ask one month into the job, you know? Well one day I was emotional, I don’t actually remember why, but he must have picked up on it, because he came over and asked if I was alright. It took me by surprise as like I said this is one of those workplaces where you’re just a number, you come here to pack, pick or whatever you do, and you work as fast as you can to hit the targets. I wasn’t expecting any management to actually care about me, not when they have this many people to think about. Regardless, he came up to me to specifically ask if I was okay. I’ve always been weird with talking about my feelings, so I just said I’m fine. Obviously he didn’t believe me, and who can blame him? A girl saying “I’m fine” is usually code for “I am not fine” haha. He didn’t push it though, which I really liked, he just asked me what I do in my spare time. I said I like either just watching Netflix or playing video games, he said he’s the same and asked me what kind of games I’m into. I told him what games I liked, he told me what games he liked. I realised then that he was a really good listener. We talked for about 15 minutes, he had someone needing his help mid way through as well, and actually came back as soon as he was done to carry on with our talk. It was nice. He didn’t seem to care about whether I was hitting target, he just talked to me, and unsurprisingly it really cheered me up, and he knew this. This was his purpose of talking to me, and I didn’t even realise it until about 2 minutes after he said he has to get back to work. I remember feeling really warm inside. It was just a simple, wholesome conversation, and one that I wasn’t expecting, but it completely turned my day around. I then hit target for the rest of the day. I also approached him at the end of the day to thank him for chatting earlier and he said “aw it was no problem”. 

So at this point in time, all I knew about this guy was his hobbies, but not his name or where he was from, which actually started to feel odd. So I decided to try and find out his name without having to ask him or anyone (me being socially awkward again). So I checked the shift board. It had only just occurred to me that his name tag would be stuck on it in the management bit, so I just had to put a name to face. I found his picture pretty quickly. Piotr. I remember when I got home that night I googled how to pronounce it because I wasn’t 100% sure. I liked the name though, I also picked up on the fact that his surname was Polish, which pieced the accent mystery together. I was really glad I knew his name and where he was from now, I felt a bit more connected to him, meaning I felt like I could approach him if I needed anything at work. Christmas I definitely felt like I considered him a work friend, I remember at the end of the last shift before Christmas day he was walking through the middle of the packing stations down the central aisle and saying the classic “have a good Christmas” to people he liked, and when he saw me he said it but also went for a high five. He was a high fiver, when people had exceeded target and had a high packing rate he would say well done and give a high five, which I really liked, it makes you feel good about yourself. Well this time before Christmas, it was even better than that. He saw me and went “Nattttt”, lifted his hand for a high five, which I quickly accepted, but then he sort of held onto my hand for few seconds after, at which point he said “have a good Christmas” and I said “you too!”, he let go of my hand, smiled, and walked away. I felt different about him, but I couldn’t explain it. After all, he was just Piotr, my Polish team lead at work that was clearly a fair bit older than me. (38, as I found out this year, and I’m 22 by the way). That was it. But I felt that warmth inside again. It was just a friendship warmth though, it was pleasant human interaction, which was something that I had been lacking through 2019, which is what I think made it special. 

Anyway, December finished, and I was nervously waiting to find out if my contract would be extended. I finished my retail job during this time as I just couldn’t do both anymore. This made me very anxious about whether I would have a job to come to by January. I have rent and bills to pay, groceries to buy, a car to keep on the road, cats to feed, I couldn’t afford to be unemployed for long, so I was worried now that if I didn’t get the contract that I would have to get a new job very quickly. I didn’t want a new job though, I wanted to stay where I was, I liked the job, and of course we know that the management is nice. In my department at least, I got lucky. Other team leads aren’t so great. I really wanted to find out about the contract before Christmas like some other people did, but I didn’t get to find out until early January. One week before my last day. I remember it well. Piotr had picked up on the fact that I was a bit of a loose cannon by now and this contract thing was stressing me out. He kept telling me it would be okay, but not actually saying I would get it. I was getting very antsy about it. January rolls around, and I’m working away, when he comes over to me and says “hey Natt...let’s go and have a talk”. I follow him to the small meeting room that sits to the side of the packing department. It’s pretty much just a big box room with a tall table and two tall chairs. We sit on each chair, and he looks sombre. He is holding a piece of paper and says “so, unfortunately your contract will not be extended this time”. I could feel the lump you get in your throat when you need to cry, but I hate crying in front of people so I tried to hold it back and not talk in case the tears came out while talking. You know when you try and say something and your voice breaks while trying to say it? Well it didn’t last long, the tears were full on free-falling while he was telling me about how I can be on a list to get notified when they hire again and such. I still didn’t talk the whole time though, just nodded or shook my head for every question. I kept this up for about 10 minutes while he talked me through things. When we were done he told me to feel free to go and have a break in the canteen, I nodded and hurried off. Honestly I was embarrassed at the interaction we just had, but he understood, you could tell that he felt bad for me. I know it sounds like an overreaction, but 2019 was a very rough year, a lot happened and I just wanted some good news, and a contract in a job I liked would have been just perfect. Erasing financial worries for a bit longer would have been more than ideal, especially after the money I had to live on at the retail job when I was only doing that. 

My “last day” at that place was actually quite nice. I didn’t know at that point whether I’d be coming back or not, and I certainly didn’t know it would be as soon as it was, so I made the most of it. I wore a slightly nicer outfit than usual, not as comfortable to work in which is why I wouldn’t usually wear it, but I figured it wouldn’t be too bad for just one last day. I wore my favourite grey jumper, jeans, and grey boots. I also did my makeup properly which I usually wouldn’t do because I’d just sweat it off, but I took that day easy. Who cares that much about targets on your last day? I exceeded targets for the sake of that contract that I didn’t even get so whatever I just spent the day chatting mostly to my friends who I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see again because even though I wanted to come back, most of them didn’t. Their contract was ending too, and that was that, they moved on to a new place. Only 2 of my friends actually got permanent positions there and were still there when I came back. I didn’t really chat to Piotr, because he still didn’t mean all that much to me at this point, plus I knew he’d still be there if I came back, he’s not going anywhere for a long time, I knew that about him. He’d worked for that company for 13 years already. Regardless, I said goodbye to him just before the end of the day, during my goodbye rounds. He gave me a hug. It was nice, but I hugged a lot of people that day so I didn’t particularly fill my thoughts until months later. I now treasure that hug so dearly. I think about it a lot, and wish so badly that I could go back in time and enjoy it properly, and it makes me teary to think about now. 

So I left that day, my last hug was actually from a guy who worked there that I had a crush on at the time, but it wasn’t a major crush. I did really like him for a while though, so I was glad that he was my last hug, it was in the car park too which was nice. I got another job very quickly and worked it for two months, it was a terrible experience, but that’s a whole different story for another time. A week after I left the packing job, Piotr appeared in my recommended friends on Facebook, and my heart skipped a beat. I suddenly missed him, and missed the job. I had a little sniff around his profile, as you do, and stared longingly at the friend request button. I thought he would find it weird if I friend requested him so I just looked at it for a bit, I really wanted to keep some sort of connection with him now that I’d left. I noticed that he had one mutual friend, it was one of my best work friends from that job, one of the two that had been able to stay after the Christmas contract ended. So this at least meant that he will accept colleagues’ friend requests. I decided fuck it I don’t work there anymore I don’t have to see him, what’s the worst that can happen? He’ll just deny my request if he wants to and it wouldn’t be awkward at work because I didn’t work with him. So I added him. He accepted. I got butterflies when I got the notification that he had accepted, but I just thought it was because I was missing working with him and that’s it. I was just happy to be somehow connected to him. 

Two months pass, and while I wasn’t actively thinking about him, he would pop into my mind every so often. I would see people in public who slightly resembled him and would get butterflies. I missed him, but I didn’t know it. In retrospect, I can’t believe I didn’t get to see him for two whole months. In fact it was two and a half months to be exact. I worked at a factory during that time, and like I said it was terrible, I wanted to go back to the packing job so badly. Well I was in luck, the factory fired me, unfairly might I add, but again that’s another story. Although that wasn’t lucky, what was lucky was that the same day I got fired, the packing job put up an ad on the job website I used regularly, of which I obviously applied without hesitation. Because of the amount of people and the gargantuan size of the company (without saying it directly, just think about the richest person in the world, I work for THAT company) there is of course an extremely high turnover, which means that getting a job there is a very quick process, I had an automated email back within a couple of days about booking an interview slot, which I then booked for the following day, was of course successful, and started the job again within the next two weeks. In fact the lady didn’t even interview me once she learned I had worked there over Christmas and only left two months ago,easy. I was back in. The problem? I was hired for picking this time, not packing. 

So I started again, but in a very different department in a very different area of the massive building. To cut a long story short, I managed to get transferred back to packing within the first month back which was such a relief. I saw Piotr straight away when I came back anyway as he always sits in the same spot in the canteen on break so I went to say hi, and he seemed happy to see me. I remember walking through the big canteen approaching him, wondering at what point he’d notice me coming, I had major butterflies and I felt so happy to see him again. The weird thing about coming back to this job though, was the timing. I went back in late March, so obviously; covid. I hated it, I know it had to be done, but it wasn’t the workplace I knew. The last time I was there I was hugging everyone- I come back and the building layout has changed, there are one way systems, masks are mandatory, and I can’t go within two metres of anyone. It was strange, especially at the beginning when we were all getting used to it. In fact, I started back there three days before lock-down, so was there right from the start. That first time I saw Piotr again he said “ah Natt I would give you a hug if I could” and I think deep down that was the moment that I realised my longing for a hug from him was more than just the need for human contact. I do still have a need for human contact, I’m very affectionate, but it’s so strong with him. I never truly understood the phrase ‘burning desire’ I even thought it was kind of cringe, until now. I really get it, and I hate it. 

So I had transferred back to pack, and was pretty happy despite the whole situation with everything being different. We all got used to it so fast and honestly the place generally didn’t feel too different to how it used to after a month or so. But I felt different, but not because of that. For some reason, my mental health crashed. I’ve been depressed before, or at least I thought I had, but compared to this year I’m not so sure the things I’d felt this year could compare. I suddenly became someone who cried all the time, sobbing break downs. I also learned that the loneliest feeling is when you’re lead on the floor of a bathroom stall sobbing so silently that even if anyone cared, no one would even know that you’re having a full blown meltdown. I have spent too much time sobbing and shaking on the cold bathroom floor at work, trying to pull myself together before my absence gets noticed by my manager (who was no longer Edgar, but a much nicer guy named Liam, who I’ll talk about soon). This 3-4 month period was when I discovered how I felt about Piotr. It started when I was sent to help in another department for the day, and I hated it. This usually wouldn’t bother me because I used to like mixing things up at work, but something about being whisked away from my usual spot in packing away from Piotr did things to my head. I was in this other department, trying to work, but on the edge of tears, I was already so depressed that being somewhere different completely threw me off. I could feel a breakdown coming but felt so lonely and decided to act on a whim this time. I wanted to talk to someone so bad, I’d never told anyone about what I was going through and I’d bottled emotions up for so many years. I needed to talk to someone, but who? I didn’t really have any friends here this time around. So I ditched the work I was supposed to be doing and tearfully approached Piotr, not sure whether he’d think I was crazy or not. He asked what was wrong and I said “I’m sorry I didn’t know who else to talk to I can’t do this anymore” so he asked “can’t do what?” so I looked him in the eye and said “everything”. He didn’t look at me funny or judgemental, he just said “come with me let’s talk”. We went to that room that we had sat in when he told me I didn’t get the contract, I remember noting how it’s funny that I’m here again months later in this same room, doing the exact thing I did last time; crying. We sat down and began to talk, and this was the first time that I realised he had kind eyes. I couldn’t look away. Something about his eyes and his expression made him feel so trustworthy, and so I opened up to him. Someone who has always despised opening up and feeling so awkward about it, and I finally did it. He listened carefully while I poured my heart out about the depression and he paused then said, “ah..I understand, I know what it’s like to have dark thoughts” I said “really?” and he said “yes”. I won’t go into it but it turns out he thinks like me, except I’m more emotional and he’s more numb. Neither being a good thing of course. This was when I started to feel a connection with him that I already knew full well at the time that he would never feel back. 

So after our talk, he said if I ever feel that bad again to come to him and we can talk whenever. I appreciated this so much and I did go back, quite a few times. At one point it was pretty much once a week, but he didn’t mind at all. We had some very interesting conversations, and some have really stuck with me. Some for good reasons, I remember one conversation I was telling him about my self hatred and he told me that I’m a down to earth person, I’m not fake like a lot of girls here, he also said I’m smart. These were heartwarming things. Some conversations stuck with me because I’m very empathetic and I felt sad for him, he told me once that he wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up schizophrenic one day. He also said that it’s good that I feel emotion because he reached a point where he’s just numb to everything, and it’s so out of touch with humanity. The line that stuck with me the most though, even though he laughed slightly was “I just hope you don’t end up like me” I know he was humouring it, but he meant it. It still floats around in my head now, I can tell he’s been in the darkest places and is just so numb and broken by it and he doesn’t want that for me, and it makes me sad to think about it. He’s such a lovely guy, so kind and thoughtful, he’s intuitive, he notices everything and everyone, he cares, but his head is fucked, and it’s sad. 

Our talks became a regular thing, and he never minded one bit. He’d never hurry me, we’d talk until I was in a reasonable head space again, and he didn’t care about the targets. I’m pretty sure he went on the computer afterwards so he could take me off task for as long as we talked for so that there’s no unexplained absence on my record so my rates remained in tact. He put me above the work, which is surprisingly rare for someone in management. He knew that I wasn’t faking it or milking it to get out of work, he was smart enough to tell I was seriously severely depressed and would much rather be getting on with my work instead of feeling like that. The conversation that sticks with me the most, is the time that I had my first panic attack. I’ve had friends who suffered from them and I’ve always been sympathetic but I never could truly understand. I knew that it was different for everyone so I always would wonder if I’m having one, would I even know that I was a panic attack? Oh man I knew. I was packing one day as normal, not happily, just getting on with it but still in the middle of my depressive period. Then suddenly I got this horrible feeling, it felt like the worst sinking feeling you can possibly feel. It felt like my heart disappeared into my body and everything just caved in to itself, because it was the moment I realised that nothing was keeping me here, packing. I could just put the box down, take off my gloves, grab my car keys, walk out of the building, drive off, and crash my car. I wouldn’t feel any pain anymore, it would be over. It sounded too easy, and I became grossly self aware of myself. I wanted to do it so bad, but it scared me, and the more I thought about it, the more vivid the images got, I could see myself in my head clear as day, my pink fiat 500 crashing and rolling and me lying there dead, I pictured my parents reaction, my friends’ reactions, I pictured my cats lying on my bed not knowing where I am. My chest felt tight with fear and I got more scared and started to panic about how real it felt, I suddenly realised I couldn’t breathe and began hyperventilating to try and get oxygen. I didn’t know what to do, so I sped walk to Piotr and just about managed to splutter out that I’m not okay. We went into the room and sat down, I sat there leaning on the table, hyperventilating in the silent room. As he shut the door he said “it’s okay, we’re okay here” and something about his choice of words instantly slowed my breathing. I will never forget that moment, ever. It wasn’t an alarmed “what’s happening are you okay?!” it was “we’re okay here”. It wasn’t even “you’re okay here” it was “we’re” reinforcing the fact that I wasn’t alone. If I could pin point exactly when I truly fell in love with him, it was right then. He sat down and said “is this a panic attack?” I nodded. So he started talking, but not about dark things, he talked about video games. I just listened to his voice and it didn’t take long to feel grounded again. He completely pulled me out of it, by not focusing on it. The relief of being able to breathe again was something I’ll never forget. My hands even stopped shaking violently, I felt peaceful just listening to him talk. Later that night at home I wondered what would have happened if he wasn’t there, either because I’d never met him or because he wasn’t in that day. Or even if he wasn’t at his desk and I didn’t know where he was. Would I be dead? We’ll never know. I don’t think about it too often, but am so grateful regardless. 

I had a couple more panic attacks since then, but no where near as bad as the first because I now knew what it was. We had more talks in the room, and I am grateful for every single one of them. The last one we had, was when I decided to tell him about the suicidal thoughts, because I had beat around the bush for so long and never was actually direct about it. So we went into the room, sat down and I said “so I need to ask you something because I think I’m going crazy, but it’s really dark” he said that’s fine, so I said “have you ever thought about how easy it is to kill yourself?” he instantly said “yes of course” and the relief washed over me. There wasn’t even a hint of him thinking I’m crazy, he completely understood and related, and we had a heart to heart about feeling like that which I’ll never forget. 

There was two times where I could feel panic attacks coming and knew I needed grounding, but Piotr wasn’t in, so I talked to my manager, Liam. He was very nice and talking to him definitely helped because he’s a very soft spoken, patient guy. He doesn’t have the knack with people that Piotr does, but he listened to me and actually tried to give me a lot of advice that although wasn’t anything that stuck with me, I appreciated so much. He was there for me, and that’s all that mattered. The funny thing about Liam is that out of him and Piotr, he’s the one I should have developed a crush on. He’s only a year and a half older than me, he’s British and comes from a place not too far from me, we have the same regional British accent too. He does have a girlfriend whereas Piotr doesn’t, but people being taken doesn’t mean you can help how you feel about them, you just never ever act on it. The sad thing about Piotr though is even though he is single and I can tell he’s lonely, I can never act on how I feel. I know I’ve made it sound like I can and you’re probably thinking “why not? Who cares about the age gap” it’s not just that. It’s everything. Yes we’ve formed a bond, but it’s heavy sided. I’m very insightful and honestly I know for a 10000% fact that he does not, and would never feel anything towards me, and that is shit to live with. I’m not the girl for him, I don’t care about the age gap personally because I’ve fallen so hard for him, but I know I’m too young for him. We come from completely different backgrounds and I know deep deep down that we just wouldn’t click how I’d like to think we would. If he wanted to spend time with me he would, there’s a girl that works there, I don’t know how old she is but definitely older than me maybe 30, and she spends a lot of time with him. They hang out on break, and they talk whenever they pass each other at work, and I know there’s something there. I know they’re not together officially but there is something, I’ve seen the way they look at each other. I’ve seen the way that he looks at her, and this is what kills me the most. I know it’s jealousy but every time I see her I feel angry. Not at her, she’s a lovely girl, she’s closer to his age, she’s Polish too, she’s very pretty, she’s tall, she’s slim, she is everything that I am not. She’s right for him and I know that full well, but it still breaks my heart because I want more than anything for him to look at me the way that he looks at her. I used to choose to work on a packing station near his desk so I could see him all day because I’m comforted by the sight of him in my peripheral vision, but one day after she had been to talk to him, as she walked away he had his hand on her waist. I disappeared to the bathroom for one of the silent breakdowns that I used to have before I could breakdown to Piotr, because this was something that I obviously could never talk to him about, and I never will. I wish he knew, I get that burning desire again but it’s the burning desire to tell him everything, but I can never tell him. I know him quite well at this point, 8 months after I first joined the company back in November, and I know that telling him would ruin everything. I hide my need for him extremely well, as comes with the practise I’ve had at hiding emotions in the past. I actually wrote a song about him and her one day when I felt particularly shit about it, I haven’t put chords to it yet, but here are the lyrics: 

Giving my all To get you to see To get you to talk  To notice me 

Waiting behind For one last look For one last word But it never arrives

Cause it’s not me It’s never me

I wanna be her Holding your hand And pulling you closer than she can She’s giving you everything I would But she’s doing better than I could  Cause I’m not her Holding your hand Never gonna pull you close After all this time on the side I wish you were mine

I wrote him a letter recently. I wrote a letter thanking him for everything he has done for me. I’m in a better place now, not perfect, but better, so I wrote down how much he had helped me during the few months that I suffered the worst. I wrote it because I didn’t think my contract would be extended in July, and I would have to say goodbye to him, but it got extended, so I’m still there until at least 2021 thank fuck. I was so sure I wouldn’t get it though, so I wrote a thank you letter, nothing lovey at all of course I worded it very carefully. I wasn’t going to give it to him after I found out about the contract because I thought it would be weird, but I worked hard on it to get the wording write and then copied it out by hand in my neatest writing. So I put it in an envelope, and wrote a “BEFORE YOU READ” disclaimer on the envelope about how I wrote this when I thought my last day here was approaching, as I wasn’t planning on coming back this time, so it is a goodbye letter. Then I left it on his desk. He told me later that day that it was a really nice letter and I laughed and said “that’s good I’ve been worrying all day that you’d cringe and hate it” and he said “no of course not, you were overthinking it, it’s really nice thank you I’m glad I helped you”. I wish I took a picture of the handwritten letter before I put it in the envelope, but I didn’t, so I’ll just screenshot the draft I wrote on word: 

So here I am now, on the 4th August 2020, wildly in love with someone I’ll never have, and you know what? It fucking sucks. This story doesn’t have a happy ending, because it’s not even ended yet, and it never will have a happy ending because it’s just something I’ll have to try and get over eventually. I can never have him ,and I can never even tell him that I love him. I scrolled back through his Facebook page one night when I was feeling all soft for him, to see what he was like in the past. He hardly ever posts so it didn’t take a minute to scroll down to a status he wrote in 2014 that simply said “the worst is to be no one to someone who is everything to you” and the bittersweet irony of it broke my heart, because he has no idea. He knows exactly what the feeling is like, yet he has no idea that someone would be feeling that exact way about him, especially since he thinks quite low of himself.

(Yes I’m leaving his picture there, the icon is so tiny that reverse image search shouldn’t pick it up in case he ever for some reason does a reverse image search on his profile picture so he won’t find his)

So there it is. I suppose writing this whole story out is my way of getting it off my chest, I’m also going to get it off my chest by writing another letter to him, right here, that he will never see. This doesn’t solve the intense urge to tell him everything, but writing down in a place I know he’ll never see it will curb it for now. 

Dear Piotr,  This is going to sound fucking insane, in fact you may not even believe it. Don’t be mad, but- I’m in love with you. I have been in love with you for quite some time now, even before I full knew it. I have never been in love before, I have had crushes, and I have had a boyfriend that I never even fell in love with, which ultimately lead to the ending of our relationship, but I am definitely 100% madly in love with you.  I think about you every day, not just general thoughts of your existence, but I think about what we would be doing if you were with me in that moment. Say if I’m just watching Netflix, alone as usual, I imagine what it would be like if you were sat watching Netflix with me. I know the kind of shows you like, we could watch whatever you want. I could be cuddled into you, which would be nice because you always smell good. I imagine what you would say at certain parts of the show, I can hear your voice in my head, your adorable Polish accent. If I’m playing video games alone, I imagine you sat next to me playing two player, I can hear you go “ah fuck” when I crush you at whatever we’re playing.  When I’m with my friend group, which consists of two couples and me, I pretend that you’re here with me, making the group an even number, so when my four friends are doing couple things I’m not just sat there bored.  When I’m in my bedroom alone in bed and can hear my roommate and her boyfriend still sat downstairs into the dead of night, laughing and cuddling, I imagine you here in bed with me.  I know you don’t think much of yourself but you are an incredible person. You’re kind, and trustworthy, and so so so wise. You always know exactly what to say and approach everything with so much discretion. You have no idea how many hours have been spent at work this year just sneaking a look at you whenever you’re somewhere that I can see you but you can’t see me, I can’t draw away from your kind eyes. I love everything about you. I love the way you say “heyy Natt” when you see me, I love the way you walk around with all the confidence in the world, I love that you wear the same blue denim shorts every day with a rotation of the same few t-shirts each day every week, I love how you always take interest in whatever I’m saying, I love that you notice everything around you. I know I’ll never have you, but I will love you until the right person for me comes along, until then I can’t move on. In fact sometimes I worry that someone will come along but I won’t be able to get you out from the back of my mind. I hope you find some sort of peace from your dark thoughts one day, you really deserve it.  All my love, Natt x

_________________________________________

Update: 18th October 2020

It’s already been well over 2 months since I wrote this, and so much has happened, so I decided to write an update. This is also sadly a final chapter to this story, and it’s not a happy ending, because life isn’t fair. 

Just a few days after I wrote this, I found out my Uncle died. We weren’t close, in fact I hardly knew him, but that’s a whole other story. I went into work the next day, it was a Sunday. Piotr was in but just doing overtime as he does every Sunday so he was just packing, not being a team lead. I was affected in a strange way by my Uncle’s death and so my emotional stability that morning was questionable, but I went to work and tried to get on with it anyway. Until this guy I work with who I had some issues with before was being his usual self; giving me weird looks, taunting me by slamming his hand on my packing station as he walked by and then laughing at me. He was a bully to say the least. I’d obviously had a weird night the previous night and lost my shit with him, I stormed over to him and asked what the fuck is wrong with him. We argued back and fourth for a while until I got too overwhelmed and walked away before I cried in front of him, instantly bursting into tears as soon as my back was turned. I didn’t know what to do so I just sped walk to Piotr sobbing and he was asking me what’s wrong and rubbed my back, it was so comforting. I tried to explain it to him but I was a mess. In the end I spoke to the packing manager and they let me go home because of the state I was in. I didn’t go home though, I got in the car and drove 3 hours into the Welsh countryside all the way from my hometown in England. I drove to Aberystwyth because one of my favourite actors lives there when he comes home from travelling and what not, I didn’t expect to actually see him, and I didn’t, but I’d seen what a beautiful town it was from his Instagram pictures and wow it was one of the best days I’ve ever had. I hiked up a well known cliff trail and looked at the whole town and seaside from the top, it was beautiful, and the drive was gorgeous, countryside everywhere. It was the most therapeutic days you could have, I thought things were getting better, until I had to go back to work the following Thursday for another 42 hours of packing, packing and more packing, back to reality. 

Things were okay for a while though, just a bit draining. Repetitive jobs like this get into your head, but I carried on. Then Piotr went on holiday for 2 weeks. I was already kind of down for the 2 weeks not being able to see him, seeing him every day was the main source of motivation to keep getting up and doing another day at that place. It was going okay though, until the 2nd week when I started to wonder where he had gone and who with. As far as I knew he was still single and his family are in Poland. Then, while deep in my repetitive job thoughts I started to ponder the fact that the girl he spends time with hadn’t been here for a while. I brushed it off pretty quickly because for one thing I was a bit naïve, I thought they were just work pals, and also I think I was just in denial, I was already jealous of how much time she gets to spend with him. The following day I was packing again, as usual, then I decided to take a 5 minute bathroom sit down break as we all do there to break the long day up. I got my phone out and unlocked it, noticing I had an Instagram notification telling me that Piotr had posted a picture, because of course I have notifications on for him why wouldn’t I? He never actually posts though, the last time he posted on Instagram was before I met him so I was so excited to see what he might have posted. I opened it up and there it was, a picture of him and that girl, wearing nice outfits (probably about to go out for a meal, those kind of outfits), his arm round her waist, with the caption “little getaway with that special one”. I don’t remember how long I cried for, but I was definitely gone for way too long, luckily it wasn’t too far from the end of the day. I knew deep down the whole time that something was going on between them. He only posted this on his Instagram though, absolutely nothing on Facebook which suggests to me that they were keeping it low-key because Facebook is where he has a lot of people from work, Instagram not so much, I only found his Instagram because I actively searched for it. 

So that all happened in August, and since then the two of them have been less subtle, in fact I think it’s pretty much common knowledge at work that they’re together. They began coming to work together in her car, spending every breaktime together, going home together. I spent 2 months watching on with jealously, falling deeper and deeper into this stupid rabbit hole that is “love” and I hate it. I don’t want this, I never wanted this, I don’t want to be in love anymore. So I found a new job and gave me 1 week notice to this job. The new job is more money and closer to home, so it’s the perfect story to tell people when I say I’m leaving, when the real reason I’m leaving is because I can’t bear to watch Piotr and his girlfriend anymore, it hurts too much. He’s changed so much. He’s still a lovely person and is perfect in my eyes, but he’s not the same as he was. He’s happier, which is good, and I really like seeing him happy, but he’s so focused on her now. We chat so much less, he doesn’t seem to have the same interest in things like videogames and movies now that he’s got a woman. I am so happy for him but it’s so painful and he has no idea, and he never will have any idea. 

My last day was today. I just got home. I had today planned out in my head all week. Piotr is always in on a Sunday doing overtime, every week. He knew today was my last day because when I came in on Thursday I said “hey I got that new job, this is my last week” he said “oh when’s your last day?” I said Sunday, he said “awesome we’ll chat Sunday”, he was super busy and I was happy with that. There was an event going on this week at work that made it very busy but I knew by Sunday not only would it be calmer, but he wouldn’t be rushing around as a team lead, I’ll get to chat to him properly for the first time in months and say goodbye. I planned exactly what I was going to say, I was going to make it the most worthwhile goodbye that I could, I knew it would be sad, but it would be closure. It was the perfect way to end this chapter of my life and begin to learn to move on from him and start a new chapter, fresh start at a new job and everything. I went shopping last night after work, drove all the way to the city to go to a massive clothes store and pick out a new outfit to wear for my last day at work, to leave a nice last impression. I got home and tried on the outfit, blue skinny jeans, mustard coloured top, matching mustard vans style shoes, and a long grey cardigan. It looked amazing, especially considering I wear black jeans, black pullover hoodie and black trainers to work every day, this was my outside of work style and Piotr was going to get to see it. I knew he wouldn’t be thinking anything wild obviously, he’s a fully taken man now, but it would have left a nice last memory, because I knew we probably wouldn’t see each other again. I don’t plan to go back to that place a third time, and we don’t live close to each other, and neither of us go out a whole lot either so it’s almost impossible that we’d bump into each other out and about. After trying on my new outfit I had a bath, washed my hair, got all clean and fresh ready for my last day today, I was actually almost excited. Like I said; closure. One last goodbye to my secret obsession, plus I knew he’d say something nice when we say goodbye, he’s good with words, it’ll be a perfect place to leave things and move on. I drove to work happily at 6:30am, arrived at 7am and began to work and sip at the cold coffee I had bought yesterday for a morning treat. Piotr and his girlfriend usually arrived at about 7:25am, so I waited. The time came around, and she turns up alone. I thought he must be just behind or talking to someone, but no, nothing. 7:30am and still nothing, I thought maybe he came on his motorbike and is running late, not like him though. 8am, still nothing, I started to feel sick. All the thought that I had put in today leading up this, in fact it’s pretty much all I’ve  thought about since I gave my notice a week and a half ago, just a simple bit of closure, it’s all I wanted- needed even. I decided to message him on Facebook, I had to know for sure in case he was running really late and I was freaking out for no reason. The conversation went like this: 

So yeah, that’s it. The story ends here. Game over. I never got my closure, the last conversation we had in person was yesterday: 

Piotr: heyyy Natt can you go work in *other department*  Me: yeah sure Piotr: is it your last day today?  Me: nono it’s tomorrow Piotr: ok good I’m in tomorrow 

Of course, he was not. Because the one day he decides to not come in is my last day ever here and the last thing he says to me is that he’s in the next day, it’s so ironic that I could almost laugh if I was so devastated. What an absolutely perfect example of sod’s law and an exemplary lesson in the notion that life is so fucking unfair. I realise that this whole saga is about some near middle aged Polish team lead at a job that I worked for less than a year, and will seem so small and insignificant in a few years from now, but right now it hurts and I just have to get on with life knowing that I never got my goodbye. The messages we exchanged earlier were nice, and I’ll have these screenshots saved on my phone for a long time to come, but this just wasn’t the plan, this isn’t how today was supposed to be. I thought I’d broke my record months back for how much I can cry in one day but today blew it out of the water, I cannot stop. I’m teary now just writing this all out, but it’s time to close this book and let the past 8 months serve as a harsh lesson for getting too emotionally attached to someone I knew I could never get anywhere with, and I should have known that right from the start. I mean, I did know that right from the start, but I just ignored it and pushed it aside and I know now to never do that again. 

The end.