ooxsam

[ooxsam]

Like Real People Do

It was New Year’s Day. People were having a good time, gathered on the floor playing board games, singing their favorite songs at karaoke, and wasting time on their phones. I'm the only one who isn't doing anything at all but staring at this void, lost in her own thoughts.

Suddenly, a random thought popped in my head – how dull my life is. It’s an everyday cycle, you know. To be honest, there isn't much going on except for the fact that my own world, at its finest, isn't crashing at breakneck speed, but rather crumbs fall one by one. As if it were a parlor strewn with my decaying garbage and all unspoken random remnants I dare not touch. Yes, there's not much going on but life. Monologue after monologue of some not self-deprecating remarks of trying not to give in to the weariness of the mess I'm in.

Since then, I've been aware that there's something odd about me. I feel like I've always been detached from the present and zoned out. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not since I prefer to stay inside my head rather than deal with the reality I'm in. Sometimes I just find myself thinking strange scenarios, such as myself conversing with an imaginary person or obsessing over this idea of who I think I am but am not. Isn't it a bit delusory to think about it? Maybe it's just a coping mechanism for me to get through this mundane existence.

Maybe it's simply a way to forget about the people who haven't given me closure in the past, but I still cry over friends who don't deserve a single tear in my eyes. I was still having trouble letting go of people who had moved on with their lives without me, which hurt my heart. I occasionally find myself trapped in time, reliving all of the memories that still haunt and rip my soul regarding people who never shed a tear when they broke me, even when they said they'd catch me in my fall but never did. And there's me, wishing I was good enough. Even so, I continue to hope and want for something spectacular to happen in my life. Something where I might regard the sunset as a lovely farewell rather than the end of a lifetime.

But I know that these days, the only thing that matters is my inner peacee - how at ease I am in my silence, how appreciative I am for whatever I have, and how I try to be in my environment, even if it's difficult at times. For the time being, the only thing that matters is that I'm trying and not giving up on anything. I'm hoping to be able to focus on reality once again and function like real people do.

[ooxsam]

Promising Young Woman

Whispers, hidden echoes, and anxiousness filled the room. It wasn’t love; they were sure. Maybe a mistake, they weren’t sure. All that is sure is that this healthy baby girl is being held in their arms. Her charming demeanor stems from her cheeky smiles, smart banter, and amusing sentiments. Her voice could’ve melted your inner soul with her silly dancing gestures. What do you expect from a name like Charmaine? They are hoping that this girl does not change at all—wishing she would stay like this forever.

When I came into their lives, they didn't hear any of my footsteps, nor see any signs that I would be here; they were about to give up on love, that's the truth. They knew they weren’t ready at all. A troubled, free-spirited woman meets a reserved, couldn’t-care-less-about-the-world kind of guy. What a great match! It happened so unexpectedly, like a storm that had not been forecasted; an unpredicted encounter.

But, then again, what do you expect from a messed-up world where everything may go wrong... like me? I had not anticipated the unexpected. I didn't expect myself to change to the point where I couldn't recognize myself. I'm not sure what went wrong — it's this sudden need to get out of this box I've built for myself. I'm not sure what's missing — a complete family or... just love?

Some say I should be glad, that I should be proud to be the woman I am today. They claimed that they are sometimes jealous of me since it appears that I have everything. They admired me for my talents and skills, as well as my curiosity and open-mindedness, and by simply being real. That's why people may seem perplexed as to why I felt this way. I know not everyone could understand.

I long for my childhood more than I can express. It's almost as if it's a dream, like something that happened so long ago that it's as if it never happened at all. It was exhausting to grow up. It can feel like you're floating in the ocean forever, never reaching the shore. All of my obligations and sorrows progressively crumpled me as I grew older. I've always wanted to scream from the top of this realm that I'm in — that I needed to get out, that I needed to let go, that I needed to be cast away because I couldn't take it any longer.

No one knows, but their separation affected me as much as it did them. Growing up, I always envied those kids who had a Mother by their side whenever they cried their hearts out, or a Father who could make you laugh with corny jokes whenever you were having a bad day. I flung too many coins into wishing wells when I prayed to the Gods for love, believing that the more pennies I hurled, the more chances I'd have to ultimately have it in my hands. I never went a day without casting one penny, as if I were casting a magic or reciting an encantation.

I've been doing this for years and nothing has happened. I felt like I'd wasted my time waiting for something that couldn't possibly exist. I even suggested that maybe love wasn't meant for me. I stopped throwing coins into wells and instead resorted to silent night prayers, realizing that I didn't need to spend pennies on love because it was already priceless. All I want now is for a part of me to be able to be my favorite version of myself, so that when the world falls apart and all I can think about is sadness, I have someone to turn to— a pristine, untainted version of myself that continues to appreciate the things I have here in this moment, in this lifetime. Something that will remain like the stars in the sky. And someday, I can actually call myself a promising young woman.