osudesu

[osudesu]

jean, I know you're french, but ARRÊTE D'UTILISER DES MOTS DIFFICILES YOU PUTAIN, tu veux mes yeux en toi ou dans le dictionnaire TF

#aftg #jean moreau #"morose... annihilated" STOP

[osudesu]

aftg third book is just neil trying to get andrew to fuck him and kevin there is just "....CAN Y'ALL LEAVE MY ROOM AT LEAST"

[osudesu]

am I taken? no, but a lot of fine shyts are taken in a fanfiction by me

[osudesu]

daddy issues is hating your dad for doing pathetic, loathsome shit that have absolutely no reasoning behind them. mommy issues is hating your mom for tolerating that mf, even if it kills them from within

[osudesu]

it's funny how at a certain point in my life i was so sure that i'd grow old with her but now i can't even remember her name. i have memories of us, good and bad, but i just can't. remember. her name

[osudesu]

I do feel bad around conventionally attracted people. I do feel bad for feeling bad around them. I feel bad for feeling jealous. I feel bad when they talk about their insecurities and I automatically invalidate them because how can possibly you have them, you're conventionally attractive and most of the people want you?? I feel bad for comparing myself to them. I feel bad for taking almost everything they say as a microaggression towards me. I feel bad when we're hanging out and I can't help thinking that me being uglier around them is making them more attractive. But I just can't help it. I'm tired, I'm so tired from myself

[osudesu]

maybe i am a pick me after all, but not in a misogynist, sexist way but in a way that I want to be chosen, that I want to be someone's priority, that I'm enough and validated

[osudesu]

and worst of it all is the fact that I didn't even realize it. i noticed the patterns but always searched for the reasons inside myself, never trying to tie it to you. and if i had any thought about you being the root of all the problems, i tried to shut it down. I'm so pathetic. I didn't realize you were literally putting your head above me, looking down on me and my interests, those things that made me me, while i was out here trying, putting effort into understanding what made you you, like those Turkish series you watch with dumb plots, or the songs you send me, or the way you talk about quantum physics, those short movies by omeleto... but at a hint of a notion of my interest, you would shut it down. you wouldn't even try understanding me. moreover, you'd dare to call them out as "uninteresting". how dare you classify me and my friends in hierarchical positions, as if us being below because we are "weird weird", and you being above and too cool to be bothered by my stuff. how dare you be so homophobic while you are literally a queer person yourself? i guess you were queer person with the "straightest" personality I've ever met. how was i supposed to talk to you like you were the closest person on earth when you already put so many barricades between us? how dare you look down on me while we were literally in a relationship? you never saw me as an equal, did u? was i some sort of a child you wanted to feed your mommy issues with? is that why you wanted to take care of me, cook for me, help me shower, call me baby, take a navigator's role while we were trying to find the cafe for our date? because you saw me as a fucking child, didn't you??

i gotta tell: your topographic skills suck big time. i could've saved us more than half an hour if we went by the map i created. i never came properly after our first time because you never hit the right spot. and i felt so alienated when you acted like a completely different person when we were hanging out with your friend, not to mention that you probably have a secret crush on the other one. and the fact that you kept telling me you were a virgin despite having sexual encounters with both men and women. so the real sex for you involves penetration, and all the things we did, they weren't real? i should've known better. i fucking should've known better before handing myself over to this relationship.

i got your heart broken by telling you i don't feel anything towards you anymore? i lied. i feel so much hatred and disgust towards you, so much that it actually hurts in my chest. but i guess if i told you that, you wouldn't believe me since "you did nothing wrong". so what if i decided to give you just one reason to hate me when you left so many in me? we're not even even, even now, after everything's over. so yes, you deserve to be heartbroken. you deserve to question your self-esteem for the rest of your life, if given. you deserve to be traumatized that way, but even with that, you will never pay the damage you caused me. so go on, call me a bitch, a bad guy, a villain and choke on your tears.

[osudesu]

I'm insane in a sense that if you keep mocking my interests and the parts of me that make up my core, I will curate a perfect way to break your heart that will send you into an emotional turmoil for months, years or maybe your whole life. No, I will not talk to you about the fact that you keep making fun of me, because if you don't have a basic knowledge of being respectful, you absofuckinlutely deserve to go through hell

[osudesu]

i realized that most people learn languages a bit differently than me. they construct their identity in their native language and when they learn a new one, it just gets translated. they think in their native language, they see the world through the lens of it, they analyze and filter information according to it. me? my identity is shattered in all the languages i've learned. every language i learn leaves its mark on me, rubs off its essence on me, gives me a new lens to look through. that's why i never liked translation. that's why every time I tried to translate something from one language to another, it still would feel like I didn't do it correctly. it was never about the syntax, lexicon, semantics or other parts of the grammar. it always felt a bit wrong because i wasn't trying to translate a sentence or a word, but a part of my identity. it's hard for me to explain things because they make sense in the language i acquired that particular part of my identity in. i am a bunch of concepts acquired in all the languages i've learned, i can't be tied to an identity of one particular language, even if it's my native one.

it's beautiful because I can connect with people who talk the same language(s) as me, to share and exchange and broaden my comfort zone. but at the same time, it's a curse. because most of the time, i encounter people who are tied to an identity constructed by one single language and throughout our exchanges, it feels like i never get the same amount i give. it feels like i'm working twice as hard to be able to connect and relate, even if the person is talking in my native language. and when it gets hard, i don't have the same luxury of expressing myself in an "easier" language, because connecting the dots from multiple figures never ends up as something simple. i don't have the same luxury to go back to the language of my identity since my identity was never one language. i have access to reach other people's depths to understand them, but most of the time, they don't understand me since i wasn't "deep", i wasn't tied to one singular dimension, but to multiple of them. in a quest of increasing ways to understand other people, seems like i decreased my chances of being understood. it's a double edged sword

[osudesu]

I keep the balance by wearing the most boring outfits over the sluttiest lingerie

[osudesu]

why all those people who shitted on k-pop back in 2018 started claiming the guys I've known since their debut... Y'ALL ARE PATHETIC AF

[osudesu]

people who consistently let me know that they hate me give me such an ego boost. like why can't you just let go of my existence? why do you always have to let me know that you hate me? isn't hating in silence lower maintenance? why you're so obsessed with me?

[osudesu]

embody three horsemen of bi: a bisexual, a bilingual and a bitch

[osudesu]

my wounds are still aching. I keep breaking down. I used to detach easily but you cut down to the throat until I couldn't scream, until my cries went to my stomach and I lost appetite. you didn't even do anything, your motionlessness broke everything I had. because in the end, I squeezed every last of my blood for you while you wouldn't even bother to breathe for me, you were too busy smoking the toxic fumes of your own mess. I wish I never met you. I wish you stayed out of my league in those pictures, in my mind and imagination. I wish I never were introduced to gracie abrams by you.

I used to think that if I ever become a popular singer, I would sing and write songs about people like you so you could see how far I've come, how good I've been doing without you, as in revenge. but no. you don't even deserve that. you are not worthy of being mentioned publicly. if I ever write a song about you, I will make sure that it will be in the language you would never understand. you just don't deserve to know about the times I needed you.

[osudesu]

what am I here for? some higher purpose? spiritual journey? a toxic bl manhwa?

[osudesu]

i am not allowed to wake up at 4 am because i start questioning my self worth, if i am toxic, my pathological people pleasing, existential dread etc.