otienosdatieno

[otienosdatieno]

Yet

Nobody talks about how happiness is majorly from within and never from without. Sad, how mostly we spend our lives looking for meaning. Searching. Never to stop. The quest for purpose. The inbetween of freedom and dependence. The need to be understood but never wanting to explain how. Not even to ourselves. The irony of the absurd. The search for meaning in a meaningless universe.How, less fulfilled we feel even after achieving the greatest of milestones. Ones we dimmed fit to bring us joy. Everyday, we hope. We wait. We look. We compare. Always anticipating. Always looking forward. Instead of inward. There is so much to die for, deep within. So much worth living for. So, the next time you have to look, I hope it's within. I hope it's a search for your true legend. YOU. And most importantly, what makes YOU happy.

With love,

Alchemist.

[otienosdatieno]

I hope

You didn't skip the picture. Well, if you did, I'm glad. Whether or not you've checked one more time, to see if there is anything wrong, is a matter of INTEREST. You know— it's interesting that I haven't written on tumblr for months now. I might have written a few emails cursing my heart out to their customer service agent close to four months ago. I agree it was a bit dramatic. What's life without some drama. Well, I moved on from that. Plus, I have no interest whatsoever openning that closet. I'm scared of skeletons.

All in all. Here we are. How have you been? I'm curious. Well, while I was away, I turned 22. I wonder what you turned into. Maybe you faced a breakup, gosh! Did they leave or did they watch you leave? Matter of fucked, I presume. Did you write a book as well or perhaps turn a year older? Do you still love the same colour? Does your heart still beat so fast when their name is mentioned? Do you even know who you are let alone what you want? Worst case scenario, you don't have an answer to any of these questions. Or maybe, you are not so sure. UNCERTAINTY. Sexy, if you ask me.

It's evident I'm groping all over clatching onto strands of straw looking for a story. In my defense, I thought you were living so stories can be written.

What is it that you developed keen interest in? Is it politics, weather, marriage, sisterhood, family...Did life all over sudden become so philosophical? Now you are questioning if all men have a pecular characteristic akin to sorrow or sadness— but deeper. Whether women actually deserve each other. Questioning your own existence. I want the DETAILS.

The older I get the more I realise that assumptions are dangerous. It has taken a monumental effort to come to this conclusion. I want you to pay attention to detail. Focus on the details. How do you know you are fighting a losing course?

Do not say that tomorrow will be better than today. Then the mind tends to believe today is worse than tomorrow. And that lasts forever. Do not say, you will find happiness. Then the mind tends to believe you are always in a search. Then it never settles even in the face of true joy because it has to look and keep on looking, never to stop. Do not leave for tomorrow that which can be done today. Then the mind always, will wait for another day. Do not be passionate about anything in life. Passion is chaotic. It is defensive and expressive. Then the mind pushes you to a lifetime of explaining what you stand for and why you do. Do not spend a lifetime pushing and chasing. Hoping that one day—good things will come your way. Then the mind believes you are not worth any of these things. But the whole world is. So it will always give others more than it gives you. Do not be the gardener who goes ahead to cut pieces of it's own petals just to show the world how good of a gardener you are. Then the mind believes to always do that when you are in doubt. Lest you wake up one day and wonder why you always show up and nobody does in return.

I have been paying attention to detail. I have been observing and I must say I missed you. In French they say, Je me manque- you are missing in me. Well, you have been missing in me. And, from the first piece we've been connecting.

I beg to stop. My hands are freezing cold and I had to put a picture so you are familiar with my face. FAMILIARITY. Will be writing a sequel of everything written in caps. See yah.

With love,

Alchemist.

[otienosdatieno]

girl let it go💋💅

[otienosdatieno]

I have really missed the feeling...

I have a dream. It flickers on and off sometimes. There are days I wake up feeling fullfilled. Other days? Well, nonplussed. As a kid, I used to imagine—a lot of things. Lately, I have been thinking of the details and my heart breaks every time (partly because I do not have the childlike delusion of believing everything is possible anymore) I do. I want to feel like a superhero again (spider man's control and batman with his feast). I want to notice when tea burns my lips—again. I know it didn't get any cold. I just hardened myself until I couldn't feel anymore. I want to cut my food into tiny pieces—again.

I have really missed the feeling of wearing my favourite outfits to church. Maybe it's just me but church doesn't feel the same anymore. Like when we used to wake up so early and hurry up so we could get a seat. Church used to be a whole congregation. Min Toti would usher us in and children would leave seats for the adults anyway. Church used to be so packed. Balloons of weddings that normally happened on Saturday would lighten up the room as if to confirm Jesus is indeed, the way and the light. Stickers of 'who weds who' would make me want to get married one day. Min Gabbie (my step mum) would make sure I pertake in the holly communion. I would sock the sacrament with saliva—I didn't want to chew the body of christ(that would be pain to the most high,so I thought). That's not it anymore. Mostly, I'm always waiting for the mass to end because I'm in the midst of strangers (I'm sorry). Maybe, I missed out on the whole point of church. Still, I want to feel it —again.

The excitement of visiting new places. I want to drink my grandmother's magira only that she already passed way. I miss her a lot but that's partly besides the point. Listen, do you know I still watch spongebob? At 21? It hurts mostly when I watch. Not that Patrick is no longer my favourite. Thing is, I miss the remote fights with my siblings. I miss how we used to laugh until it hurts. I want to get annoyed at the numerous reminders that would pop and switch channels. We used to watch TMNT and Bob The Builder. I want to shout (can we fix it!) and hear Gabbie (my brother) shout (YES WE CAN!).

I want my father to lift me from the ground and make goofy sounds as he throws me in the air.

I miss the feeling of christmas. It just doesn't feel the same anymore (I'm sorry Jesus,how dare I!). Mum would style my hair with chemical and buy us new clothes. Fidel (my brother) would stay in the kitchen whole time and count the chapati-rolls from the dough. Dad would sit in his couch (it was his couch). Food would be served and I miss saying— when I grow up I'll eat a whole 'superdrum' of chips. Mum would smile and say that's impossible. I would sharply interject—it's possible. Now that I confirmed, it's impossible, it's not the fact that I can't tell mum because she passed away that hurts me the most. Maybe they were right—It's the thought that counts.

Nobody is stopping me from doing these things. Infact, if I wanted to, I would do them all over again and again. Doing and feeling are very different. I know you know as much as I do. But I digress.

I have been looking for myself. I have been hopping, stepping and jumping. There goes another memory. Anyhoo, welcome to my world. I hope we connect through the words of my writing. I am hoping to find myself. I'm glad I found you in the process. I want to step into the universe, literally. I have been reading books. I've been looking in the shelves—for myslelf. I want to connect with you all. The world is filled with talented, educated, and beautiful people. We meet them everyday. They are all around us. You are them.

I decided to finally come to a conclusion that I am and will forever be writing for the world to the world. I hope, we connect. Through the words of my writings. Let's jump into this❤️✌️

With love,

Alchemist.