ottodarkbloom

[ottodarkbloom]

I become him

[ottodarkbloom]

January

Some things will always feel like a cold sharp knife to the back

No matter how familiar the strikes feel to your body

Your dreams and visions will not save you

The only way out is through

And the pendulum may not swing as it was supposed to anymore in your case

But it is all you have to work with

9/01/24

[ottodarkbloom]

Nobody has realised that I haven't really eaten in a week

And I never really noticed that no one really cares

I just really want to be loved

But love cannot be achieved like this

Goodnight again

[ottodarkbloom]

The start of something very terrible or very perfect

[ottodarkbloom]

I need somebody to save me

These feelings are so large

Now, what do I do?

Now that they are not directed to anyone?

I need the strength

To accept once and for all that

I am the way I am

[ottodarkbloom]

And that day I discovered that throwing away the love of another person, out of self hatred, was the most cruel paradox God had ever given Man

[ottodarkbloom]

Brushes and Being Broke

Routine is beauty and berating

It is lawful always knowing

How the next few days will drag

How my future I am sowing

But a fracture has been found in between others and me

Balance seems so out of reach when I don't know who to be

Eyes tight shut between two worlds of achievement and disgrace

In this oh so savage world

I place that there is no place

For a person so abstract, made uncountable mistakes,

and is doomed with speechlessness when by her fate she is faced

Relatability is lost recently in conversation

Grey friends melt into cold strangers

Lost admirations and relations

Though I fear a lonely path,

One's inescapable it seems

I must pause into passivity

Or I must dash towards my dreams

...

When the witching hour comes

Present seeps and disappears

Future comes always to taunt me

Pasts creep up and reappear

What I've done, what I must do and what will never be at all

Thoughts of listless limitations turning me cornered and small

My art's no longer myself

I am running out of time

If to sell I bargain brush strokes,

Is my life yours or is it mine?

26/09/23

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Creating out frustration of not creating is so sad lol I just finished my work contract today

[ottodarkbloom]

I don't move through time

Time tears through me

You've become a mere blade in my past

You've changed from a flower bud to a thorn

But that's okay

The greatest hope I can find is comfort in the fact that memories become beautiful by time

So the pain will keep feeding my poetry and my art

[ottodarkbloom]

Lonely

Where there should stand enthusiasm Stands inadequacy as a feeling That sense of coming second follows My whole life I have been dealing With the knowledge that I’m odd Natural normalcy is unbeaten With unacknowledgement in corridors My chest drops, and my wound deepens At my own fault I’m alone At the fault of the way I am It’s my fault I am so quiet And with sadness I am clammed I’ve allowed all of these happenings To shut all of my friends out I would like to open up But my thoughts won’t match my mouth I wake up so hopeful I go to bed defeated I promise myself “Tomorrow, My heart won’t be deflated” But I fail and fail and fail And soon I will give up Eventually I will die All neglect a coverup They will all pretend to miss me They all knew me all too well And I will be cursed to resent them For eternity from hell 02/08/23

guys im so sad recently. wht should i do. i started a new job and i feel so stupid not talking to anyone, forever trapped in the weird lonely kid phase :( im so naturally antisocial with new ppl

[ottodarkbloom]

painting

The calmness in calamities is where art is born I’m going now I’m leaving Come or stay I can’t paint here in this chaos, in this sadness I am left empty enough after a day of working There is a melancholy in my fulfilment I need it to be an artist I will be an artist I'm no good with twisting metaphors I paint what I see through my own distortion This is the only art I can make

18/04/23

[ottodarkbloom]

the days have been backwards recently, i wake up sad and i go to bed happy

[ottodarkbloom]

The Mona Lisa is in the corner

In the dark, in the emptiness

The Mona Lisa doesn't have the energy anymore

To put effort into anything

My pain is fermenting into beauty

I'm a painting

I'm collapsing so perfectly

11/03/23

[ottodarkbloom]

February

I lay and lament in my bed each night

As I try to figure out what is good and what is right

Because February killed any senses I had

Any morals were lost to delusions and fads

I fear that the drinking has made me go crazy

My emotions seem larger when the world seems more hazy

Recollections of memories are a thing of the past

This feeling’s been growing since I removed the cast

November kickstarted a newly found fear

A fear of existing but still not being there

Being loved as a burden

Being loved as a must

Embarassing myself and only inducing their lust

In the eyes of the watchers

I play a stupid charade

I dance and I drink but I detest their dark gaze

The human condition does not apply I’m afraid

In the way that it used to when I was coming of age

I used to want to be pretty and I used to want to be yearned for

But beauty and lust do not apply when you’re on a bathroom floor

With a blade to your wrist as you stare into space

Love is soft, love is gentle

At least it is to me

And I want it so badly

To a higher degree

Than I have in the past

Because love touched me bare

It hurts more now – it’s missing

Because I know that it’s there

I can’t lie to myself anymore, pretend it’s not real

Knowing someone could aid the way that I feel

I know people aren’t medicine

But I just want to be loved

I don’t think it’s a sin

To just want to feel enough

March has brought new beginnings

The air’s different, I think

I will tell him I love him

And I’ll decrease what I drink

10 / 03 / 23

[ottodarkbloom]

I will tell my canvases that which is too repetitive and boring,

Other people do not listen to me talking about it

The fabric will inhale the unprofitable thoughts

And the viewers of my paintings may strain my pain lucratively

Because everyone wants to talk and no one wants to listen

Even when I lay my wounds in front of the world for it to be shamed,

You see your own blood, not mine

My wounds only reflect your wounds,

My wounds cannot be reflected by anything,

They can only be absorbed by a canvas,

And I don’t really mind.

[ottodarkbloom]

When will the stars finally swallow me whole?

[ottodarkbloom]

I'm going to die soon

I am letting you know in broad daylight

The words I write in the dark

Usually perish in the sun

But the sun isn't shining bright enough anymore

A season passed, a season coming

A season sad, a season happy

I don't know if I am imagining the pain I feel

It is too difficult to love me

I'm sorry

My lighter is prepared and I am ready for a sway to be swift enough to cause me to cease

I will be happy when I have ceased to be

[ottodarkbloom]

So I close my eyes and cry myself to sleep, because I only find solace in the fact that I will pretend my problems don't exist when the morning arrives