ourpyrexdaysatomicnights-blog

[ourpyrexdaysatomicnights-blog]

Saturday Feb 10th 2018

I’m not feeling particularly emotional today. Not overtly happy, not overtly sad, not even overtly lonely ( and that’s saying something ). I’m just here alone in the house and sitting on my bed, trying to wind down. Ashley is out of town for the weekend and Bridgette went to a fabulous art gala with Tommy. Idk where to begin with this entry really, but I know I have a lot to record. My day was pretty decent. I made a lot of money at work. Laughed a lot with my coworkers. And came home to make chicken and sautéed zucchini squash for dinner. I did my chores and set up my outfit for a rockabilly event I’m going to with Melanie tomorrow. 

I want to mention that my dreams are consistently vivid and weird. Two nights ago I dreamt that I was being beaten by some blonde white man outside my work. I was walking down the sidewalk and saw a note that read something like “You're about to be beaten and robbed”. Suddenly I turned to my right and the man came out and started attacking me. I could feel his punches on my face and body and It felt like he broke my neck too. It was spooky as hell. I needed a lot of care after that but no one was really around to help. And then last night I dreamt that Aunt Virginias breast cancer came back and that she was going to die soon. I don’t want to be superstitious but.. I’ve been making sure that one of the kitchen guys or dan walks me to my car every night that I close. And I asked my dad today for Virginia’s number so I could giver her a call and see how she's doing. Before these dreams I had another one about justin and Omas house. In the dream he proposed to me, and I said yes. I was also dreaming about the things I wish I had recovered at Omas house. Like the rest of the white towels she collected that I wish I had grabbed more of. Maybe I did and they're just in the attic at home in Germantown....? I’ll have to look into that. I talked to my therapist about these weird dreams and she said that sometimes when people quit drinking their minds start to deal with issues that maybe you were burying with alcohol. That kinda makes sense. I just don’t know what to do about it. Did I mention I had a dream about Elijah Wood? I’ll have to check previous entries. I really hope I wrote that one down. That shit was bonkers. 

Speaking about therapy. Wednesday was my last day. I started going to her in Nov or Dec because I was feeling suicidal after another James debacle. I don't even want to talk about it really. It’s so ridiculous and emotionally exhausting that it would be painful just to type it out. And I don’t think I want to remember it either. Just know I can’t wait to close this chapter soon and for good. It’s beyond time to move forward and heal and grow past all the horribleness that he’s created in my life. 

I think sometimes I’ll write these entries as if I was talking to someone. I think maybe someday someone will find this diary and read it and maybe they won’t and it will just be 62 year old me trying to remember what was happening in my life at 25. I’m okay with either of those outcomes. I hope, no matter what, that it’s helpful somehow. 

On Tuesday it will be 30 days that i’ve been sober from alcohol. That’s pretty exciting. I wasn’t sure that would even be possible. No time for rewards just yet. I need to make it another 335 more days before I can feel too accomplished. 

This will be my first valentines day in a long while that i’ve been single. My parents are taking me out. My dad told me to make sure i’m off and to be sure I come. I’m actually really stoked about that. I have definite plans with people that I care about and make me happy and feel safe, and they’re going to pay for everything. I think my dad got me a present as well because he keeps telling me that it’s going to be so special and that he has something special for me. I won’t be alone. And that’s so important. It’s really good that I won’t be drinking either. I would probably be going to bed really sad, probably scream crying, hating my body, and blaming my appearance and personality for why I’m alone and unlovable. Doesn’t that sound awful? I really believe if I were still drinking that would be how I would be spending valentines day 2018. Sad. Another plus of sobriety. 

Additional good news: I’m FINALLY getting a tattoo from Katie in Little Rock. And my best friend Rae is going to come with me. We’re going to a vegan restaurant afterwards. I’m really excited. I would describe the tattoo to you but.. well.. it should still be there. I think I might have finally figured out a good tattoo for oma. Bridgette helped me figure a cool idea out. 

Some bad news for ya: Insurance isn’t going to cover my reduction without three “consecutive” months of medical history. That means by the time i have the records for them it will be April... and that leaves me less than 60 days to get the surgery done. And honestly..... I don’t think they’re going to approve me anyway... they’ll find some excuse because I’m sure they know the insurance is about to run out. Why bother helping me with this surgery if I’m not going to be lining their pockets for much longer? I figure I’ll try anyway. Better to have done it and made the effort and failed than not to have tried at all and me being wrong that it would have worked. So with all that being said I have an appointment on Tuesday. 

Tenacity. That’s my middle name. Until next time Tumblr. 

[ourpyrexdaysatomicnights-blog]

January 27th 2018

Today wasn’t as exciting. And that’s totally okay. My homework for my online class was super easy, and as it turns out I’ve had Microsoft word on my computer for years. My roommates continue to make me very happy. I love living with other people. It makes life so much less lonely. We had a silly talk about my lack of knowledge of female anatomy and my crazy dreams. I’ve been having a lot of them since I’ve quit drinking. It’s been 15 days. I’m at the half way mark to a month. A whole month. I will be stunned when I get there. I’m actually kinda stunned that I’ve gotten this far. I’ve got this little poster on my door to my bedroom that I got from target. I thought it was a cute saying but it never really meant that much to me until today. It says “Old ways won’t open new doors”. I’ve been wanting to change my life for the better. Finish school, lose weight, be confident and happy. And I’ve been reluctant to change my ways thinking that there wasn’t anything wrong with them. And now I know that the drinking and boy chasing has held me back. Tonight I was a hostess at work instead of a server. It was actually fun tonight. Unfortunately though two of my favorite coworkers, AG and Mike were NOT having a good night. AG was being loud with the dishes and was also apparently taking his sweet time with washing them too, which made the kitchen and the servers a little upset. Amanda wasn’t happy with him and neither was Jenny. Mike cussed out a customer apparently. I have no idea what he said or why he said it. But I’m sure I’ll find out tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Jen’s Grammy party. It took me almost an hour to figure out what I was going to wear for it. And I still don’t feel like it’s good enough. I don’t have a light black jacket to wear with it. Maybe I’ll just wear my silver one. I’m not exactly wearing a dress that I would wear to the Grammys.... the blue dress I was going to wear is perfect but my boobs are wayyyyy too big and won’t be supported in the dress and the straps pulled back cut into my shoulder. I would be miserable and in pain. I’ve never been the girl to be miserable just to look good. I want to look my best without compromising comfort. I will do that every time. No matter what. This does make me realize though that I don’t have a super ultra fancy dress to wear for a major formal event. I’ll look into that eventually. Either way, I’m going to look incredible and I’m going to have a really good time. My tattoos will be on full display for this outfit and I really love how they look on me. Will definitely be getting many many more. I suppose it’s actually kinda sad though that I can’t wear the dress because of how large my breasts are. I really want a reduction. More than anything in the world. I wonder if I can just take out a loan? Hmmmm....I’ll look into that too.

Anyway, I’m in bed now. Full of veggies and watching Food Network Star. Until tomorrow.

[ourpyrexdaysatomicnights-blog]

January 27th 2018

I’ve decided to keep a diary. This decision was based partly on my newfound sobriety. It’s been 12 days since my last sip of alcohol. I chose to be sober because I kept blacking out and doing and saying things I don’t remember. It’s terrifying to lose chunks of time, especially since I’m so worried about time, all the time..hah. It scares me to death how I could wake up and be 5 years older and still in the same place, and then not even really remember what all I did during that time. So I suppose that’s my whole reason for this diary. I need to remember this. I need to remember my life. I have a terribly interesting one. Even without the alcohol. I thought it was just the booze, nope, it’s just me. 

Super quick ( but not really ) back story: I’ve been single for a year from Justin as of this month. Nothing really special about that other than it’s the longest we've ever been apart... or even spoke...He’s still the same guy though, doing the same exact things he used to, except now with Herpes. I spent a few months with Eldorado in the spring and the summer riding motorcycles and dressing up and pretending to be cool. He really liked me, but maybe only as much as an Aries can really like anyone. I ended up ending our fling on Halloween when he decided to have a bad attitude about me wanting to spend time with my friends, which probably stemmed from my bad attitude over his dumb hockey costume and poor choice of evening plans ( the black lodge party ). Yes, I was being a total brat. But in the end it showed me who I really wanted to waste all my time with. My two best friends, and not this brain rotted 46 year old. My 25th birthday was freaking amazing besides the DJ’s losing their shit, getting too drunk off the jameson handle I bought them, and then storming out. My ex Jonathan let me borrow some super professional sound system stuff and that really took the party to the next level. It was space cowboy themed and most people dressed up. It was the most fun i’ve ever had at one of my birthday parties. Also I got a huge Annie Oakley tattoo for my birthday. Maybe I’ll make a whole post about that later? Moving on... I have a ten times better relationship with my mother, and it makes my dad super happy that we’re getting along. I decided a while back that I needed to spend more time with my parents, whatever that looked like, and it’s paid off. Besides the material things i’ve gotten out of it, it’s been a joy to see my parents happy and give me attention again. It’s been good for my soul. Speaking of, I go to church now! Every Sunday, at Second Pres. I’m stunned. I really enjoy it. Besides still being the resident black sheep, I’ve been enjoying getting that time in to learn from the Bible and get to know God more. He’s been really good to me. All my life. I have a feeling He’s got something special planned for me. Bonnibelle has cancer and that’s why we didn’t go to Pittsburgh this year. We were 48 hours away from hoping in the car and driving up there when we got the confirming news. I was pretty upset but I ended up living with my parents for a few days. Mom and I watched hours of Kardashians and Desperate housewives. She ended up missing me a lot ( surprise ) and wanted me to stay even longer. Okay so what else... I’m doing well in my online biology class, and that’s a relief because I had to drop out of my last biology class. It was way too tough. I have 2 classes after this that I need to pass in order to graduate. Intro to biology 2 and statistics. I saved the worst for last like I had planned to all along, but I didn’t know it was going to be this bad. It will be two years in April or May that I haven’t eaten a cow or a pig, and keegan has gone completely Vegan. I wish I could do it too. I just love eating chicken and eggs and gamey shit too much. Chocolate chip cookies and fancy cheese isn’t something I would ever be willing to give up. I’m in therapy with this really nice lady names Deborah. She validates me a lot and will actually give me advice if I ask. Which is a huge bonus. I have pink hair and I weigh 157lbs. I work at Aldos still and Ashley is still a bitch. Trying to transition back to blonde, get a bunch of tattoos, eat right, work out, do some yoga, meditate, write in this diary, and spend a lot of time with my friends. I think that’s enough of an update. Time to tell you about my day. 

Well today I had lunch with my dad at La Guadalapana. He ordered the goat BBQ just like me. It’s my favorite thing there. He sad he liked it but he didn’t finish it so I’m not sure he really did. I gave back the credit card, and not begrudgingly like I thought I would. I’m happily taking care of my finances and doing well at work helps a lot. I like using my own money to buy my groceries and gas. It feels less guilty. I worked from 4pm-12am. I was the closer and I made roughly $200. I never know what to do with my money when I get a nice paycheck. There is ALWAYS something that I need buy that makes me poor all over again. I really need to buy comfortable work shoes. I’ve been off work for an hour and 30 minutes and my feet are still throbbing. Its time that I take care of my body in that regard. BUT I could also go ahead and buy my air bnb for chicago and or my second city ticket... My dad always tried to tell me that instant gratification is great but it isn’t always the best thing.. especially when there are priorities to take care of. I think I’ll buy the shoes next week. No excuses. Hopefully I actually bite the bullet and do it. You never know with me. I’m at home now and typing this as the Bachelor is on. It’s Aries season and he's in the hot tub with 22 year old Becca. I don’t think I like her for him. I broke the glass bakeware dish in the sink. Well, it was still hot and I ran cool water on it and it shattered. Lesson learned. Hopefully no one gets mad at me about it. But it’s sort of ironic. Because it happened in the same side of the sink that Melodie, our neighbor/good friend, broke the smaller of the two Pyrex bowls that Oma used to own. I don’t even want to talk about that right now. I can’t believe it’s already 1:38am. Where does the time go? Glad I’m writing this down... So yeah.. I’m sober. Well, not from weed. I have to have something haha. I like it so far. Didn’t think I would say that. I sleep better and deeper. My skin is doing well. I haven't lost any weight, even though I would like to say I have. But it’s been less than two weeks. I’m clearly anxious for that aspect of sobriety to show up. It might make the trade seem a bit more worth it. My goals for tomorrow are to study the biology quiz and go to work with a good attitude and a big smile on my face like I did today. Sunday I hope to get off work so I can go to church and then have plenty of time to get ready for the Grammys party Jen is throwing at Alchemy. Obviously I won’t be able to write in this thing very single night. But even a few times a month would be good. Like I said, I need to remember. Anyway, at the end of every post I may or may not list a few arbitrary memphis fun facts. Here are todays: 

> That record store in memphis ( can’t remember the name of it right now, will update later ) closed today. They were a business for 25 years. It flew around the sun as many times as I have. I remember driving by it in Omas car and my moms car as a little kid. They had a huge Elvis cut out in this big giant glass case thing on the side/roof of the building. It was an impressive place. I bought my Borat copy there. It’s a shame that they're moving on. I’m curious as to what they'll turn it into next. There’s been a lot of new development in Memphis lately. 

> Skinnys Atomic Tiki restaurant bar had it’s grand opening today. Just now realizing that James had the crazy idea to open up a tiki bar. The petty side of me is glad that Skinny did it before him. James was probably there too.. I wasn't upset one bit that I had to be at work all night and miss this event. I’ll see it later. 

> The Cleveland Street Flea Market is closing Feb 4th. I’ve gotten some cool pieces from that place. Most notably my new trash can that sits under my vanity. Really disappointed about this one. We need cool affordable places to shop for decent vintage stuff and now all of that will either be pushed to antique warehouse or A moment in time ( God I hope not ). 

That’s all for tonight, I have to go clean a bunch of glass out of the sink now.