pactcrypt

[pactcrypt]

Day 2

Today, honestly, wasn't all that bad. I woke up to a phone call from my s/o who was heading home from work saying "get dressed babe we're going on a hike" and when the plans got cancelled, we went on our own hike. We came home and went to some yard sales, got a couple of chairs, and watched our show before we went to dinner at my in-laws' house. We got back home, and my s/o began playing video games with friends, kept asking me what was wrong, and when the console was finally turned off I explained that I'm not doing okay and am extremely lonely. I'm in a new place with no friends nearby. The friends I do have aren't able to hang out, and I struggle seeing plans made right in front of my face. This turned into an argument with me being the villain, and he stormed out, leaving me to my own devices. (Tw for self-harm) I tried the usual methods of just scratching and pulling at my arms, chest, and hair as a form of "punishment" for myself for causing a fight, and that did nothing to calm me down. I had already tried breathing, which did nothing. So next I hopped in the shower, with the heat way too high, and stood there, which also brought me no relief. So I went to a method I had never tried. I took my hair cutting scissors and sliced one time to see if they were even sharp enough at this point to do anything. At first glance, nothing happened, so I walked out of the bathroom to see my s/o on the bed. When I went to lift the covers, I noticed I was bleeding. My partner saw this and I had to beg for 911 to not be called on me. I kept yelling "I'm not crazy" and I had an escape planned so I wouldn't be sent to the crazy house, granted I wouldn't get very far very fast as my tire went flat earlier today and a doughnut tire will only get me so far. I managed to convince him to not call the ambulance on me and that's when I broke down. But ofc, I was basically ignored. The first words I said after was "stop asking what's wrong when you don't actually want to know" and that was that. I'm honestly confused if this whole thing is because my home life is no longer screaming and yelling and fighting but instead separating to cool off, trying to talk it out and being okay. My s/o says that every night I have a new issue with them but I don't honestly have many gripes about our relationship. Maybe part of me needs that hatred and toxicity to feel lived in some weird way. For everything to be okay and then getting screamed at or cussed at over a small mistake. I'm only typing this so late because my partner finally fell asleep and I feel horrible because he said "I'm afraid of waking up in the morning to find you dead" and it's ruining me. The emotional distress I bring even though I don't want to is hurting the person I love.

[pactcrypt]

Day 1:

I've been thinking a lot about why I am the way I am. I had the ideal childhood from an outsider perspective, and I am very grateful for the opportunities I was given growing up. I have parents who love me, but have also caused me some issues in my private life. Loud noises terrify me, believing that I may have upset my s/o, which sends me into an absolute panic, and I have no idea how to survive on my own. I'm relying on other people to teach me about money, grocery shopping, and finding jobs at 21 years old. I have 2 jobs, which I love and are definitely enough to live off of, and I'm still in school, which makes it so incredibly difficult to find the time to take care of myself or do anything I enjoy. Honestly I've gone so long with no time that I'm not even sure what I like doing anymore. All my friends live a decent distance from me or have overall just disappeared from my life without a word so I'm completely alone. I've dealt with tragedy after tragedy since January and have not a living soul that I can talk to about any of it because they're either going to pick a side, or have too much going on and I don't want to burden them. I've been trying to find the positive in all of this and all I can find is that I live with someone who's trying to understand and support me, I have 2 amazing jobs that treat me well and accommodate school and one another, and that I have some people who want to help me succeed in life. I have a family that loves me, and I have a couple friends who care about me.