painful-thoughts-in-my-head - Tumblr blog

painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 1 month ago

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I am not looking respectfully or otherwise. I amm dissociating you are in the way

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 1 month ago

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DID symptoms that people don't talk enough about

The cycle of forgetting and then re-remembering trauma memories

Constant depersonalization and derealization

Feeling as if you're stuck living someone else's life

Failure to plan for the future because nothing feels real + losing time

Thinking a flashback is over when you've actually just dissociated away from it, and having it resume as soon as you stop dissociating

Dissociative stupor/trance

Alexithymia

Identity issues outside of alters

Inability to connect with other people

Being unable to tell if you've healed from a past problem/trauma or if you've just dissociated away from it

Not learning from past mistakes because of amnesia and dissociation

Feeling nothing psychologically despite physical shaking, racing heart, nausea, crying, etc

The extreme disorientation + identity confusion that comes with co-consciousness and co-fronting

Somatic flashbacks

Being triggered by your own DID symptoms because you know the only reason you're experiencing any of this is because of what they did to you

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 2 months ago

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Living as a system with DID, over and over I come across situations that make me think: I am so glad I know about my plurality, because this problem would not have been solved, wouldn't have been helped at all, if I didn't know that I am plural.

Usual treatments for self-hate didn't work. These were, and still are, often persecutors who need(ed) to be directly addressed and shown kindness.

Usual treatments for obsessions and compulsions didn't work. These (particular ones) were born out of fear of my amnesia that I am now working to accept and accommodate.

Usual treatments for anything hit(s) roadblocks when you can't remember anything, can't understand the motivations behind the actions you do remember, and so many around you are treating your memory loss and lack of understanding as you being purposely difficult.

And as I tackle these problems on my own, I think of how medical professionals do not receive adequate education on dissociation. All the people with dissociative disorders who have been misdiagnosed. The way it takes people with DID almost a decade on average to get just a diagnosis, not to mention treatment. I am lucky in some regards that I learned about my system earlier in life than many, and still, I have to sit with a past of blaming and hating myself because I didn't understand why I was struggling so much, why I couldn't live up to people's expectations, why I was different. Plural activism is near and dear to my heart because its success means that fewer people will be suffering like I did.

This is also why people who twist the narrative of activism into "wanting to traumatize kids" or "but what about fakers" infuriate me so much – these are excuses to not care about people with DID while at the same time claiming to "protect" us and "fight against ableism". If you cared about children, you would try to make sure traumatized kids can get resources and support they need if they end up with a disorder like mine, or you'd work to prevent kids from ending up with this trauma in the first place. If you cared about people with DID, you would forgo disparaging fakers in place of welcoming all those who fear that their pain "isn't that bad" so they "must be exaggerating", or those who never see themselves in system spaces because they're "too weird" so they "must be making it up". If you cared about us at all, you wouldn't spend all your time spitting hate and misinformation against us, trying to tear apart any progress we make in awareness – not even true acceptance, just trying to tell people that we exist in words that they can swallow, that we are not just a trope used in horror movies or a cool metaphor in their favorite web novel – and trying to reach other systems out there, to let them know that there is an answer to why they feel stuck and nothing is helping (and that there are ways out of the well they've resigned themselves to).

Fuck fake allyship.

I want people to know: systems exist. Plurality is a real thing. We come in all shapes and sizes. Our plurality can get tangled up in other conditions, or it might get mistaken for something completely different, which can result in common advice or a suggested treatment just not working out, because sometimes something that works for others (those who aren't plural) or other situations doesn't work for systems. This is not a personal flaw. You are not a bad person for being different. You deserve kindness, too.

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 3 months ago

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DID sucks because in the morning you think "maybe I'm actually normal and I should stop overanalyzing my experiences and just enjoy life" and in the evening you get possessed by the ghost of yourself from 2018

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 7 months ago

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well i guess that's fine

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 7 months ago

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its kind of scary not knowing all the stories your body went through

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 7 months ago

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Could reality please at least be bearable enough for me to stop dissociating every single day away can things be just bearable enough for me to participate in my own life is that really too much to ask

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painful-thoughts-in-my-head · 7 months ago

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it feels like there’s something inside me rotting, something clawing at my ribs, screaming to be let out. i want to tear myself open just to see if there’s anything left. i want to smash my head against the wall until the thoughts go quiet.

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