pandactor1509

[pandactor1509]

the decline of a despicable being

I don't know what to do…

I thought that everything would be different when I finished college, I would get a stable job, I would improve my social skills and my personality, I thought that everything would be better ... I thought ...

That was my big mistake, "thinking", thinking and not doing something about it. I can't get a job on my own, always getting help never giving it myself. My emotions are variable and confusing, I don't have any talent or ability which I can develop and even if I had some, I wouldn't be able to develop it to improve it. 

Because I have no reason to do it, I have no ambition, I have nothing to go on. I wish I could say that my family or my friends are a great motivation, but it's not true, can't say that I am my “great motivation” because it's not true. I hate myself, it's a "strong" word to use, but that's it ... I hate myself ...

I hate myself for not being able to get ahead alone, for not having motivation, I hate myself for being lazy, for not being able to express myself without crying, for not focusing on something, I hate myself for idealizing my whole future, I hate myself for having everything and nothing to time. For my lack of charisma, for my lack of honesty, for my supposed "anxiety" that doesn't let me sleep, and for causing me the hunger that gives few has added pounds to my deformed figure by the obesity, 

I hate not having the will to do diet and improve my health, I hate my hair, which gets tangled every time I try to brush it in the morning, well if I decide to brush it… because why should I do it… I hate myself for being nothing or nobody. I hate having become the most pessimistic person and good for nothing ... but what I hate the most about me is that being aware of all this, I do nothing to change it ... nothing ... and I don't know what to do to change it.

The days go by, the hours run, the seasons change, and I still the same old scum, without motivation and vision of a better future. Why? It's the question I ask myself every time I try to sleep, it must be why I don't have any kind of good relationship with anyone. My mother thinks that I sleep late because I watch tv because I'm on my phone because I listen to music. I would like to say that it is that, the reality is that I don't know why I can't sleep, 

I don’t know why I can't get up in the morning, I don’t know what causes my crying while I write this or while listening to music that should make me feel happy.

I don't know what I want and I do not know what I need, I suspect that this ignorance causes great annoyance for my parents, I suspect that the day will come when they tell me that they will no longer be able to deal with me and they will have to make me leave. And I will don't know what to do, where to go, and end up living under a bridge or in a playground. 

I feel a big lump in my throat, a pain in my belly, and a weight on my chest that won't leave me, won't go away and I don't know what to do.

I just want to be happy, just that ... but I don't do anything to be happy, I don't do anything for myself or anyone. As I said before, I am good for nothing… I am nothing….

[pandactor1509]

dance to this 

[pandactor1509]

sketch, just sketch /// JANE + MIKE [I love this color.] my insta chrisfroot    

[pandactor1509]

kibum: [in bed, trying to fall asleep].

taemin: you know? Z is just a sideways N

kibum: jesus fuck taemin go to sleep

taemin: zo

[pandactor1509]

Stand by Me (1986) dir. Rob Reiner

[pandactor1509]

jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual jongin is more than just a dancer and visual

[pandactor1509]

I a million pieces ༼ಢ_ಢ༽

Reblog if Infinity War just broke your heart

[pandactor1509]

[pandactor1509]

90s R&B & late nights.

[pandactor1509]

I want to live in a ghibli movie and wear cute outfits and have my room filled with flowers and magic

[pandactor1509]

jongin the type of guy to suspiciously ask “wanna see something cool” and show pics of his niece and nephew

[pandactor1509]

[Fanart] Kaisoo: “Say ahhh~”

[pandactor1509]

I’ll walk with you a thousand miles, if you be the one who brings me flowers and ceaseless smiles.

[pandactor1509]

LET YOUR ART BE UGLY!!! LET YOUR WRITING BE BAD!!! DANCE OFFBEAT!!! SING OFF KEY!!! LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LET YOUR FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH PREVENT YOU FROM LEARNING AND ENJOYING NEW THINGS!!! 

[pandactor1509]

YES

[pandactor1509]

[pandactor1509]

This is the best tweet in the whole world

He is a living uwu

Why can’t I stop my aww? Help!