panic-writes

[panic-writes]

A Mother’s Touch

Anger

Sadness

Who can tell?

I kick down the iron gate

Spikes stained

With the blood of birds

Flying too low

Too blind

The sun is out

And its dark outside

I shiver

Its so cold

Even the moon hides its face

Insecurity

Food and Feelings

Will there ever be enough to go around?

My childhood bedroom holds no warmth

The wallpaper too thin

To be my blanket

Ill tear down the doorframe

To stoke the fire

Do the lines represent how Ive grown?

Or the height of the flame?

I hold out my hands anyway

Theres no use mourning

I dont have time.

My wristwatch too, chimes loudly

Irritating.

I cant sleep

It becomes kindling

I watch a little girl pass by on the street

She wears my coat and a smile

I wonder if the tag still bears my name

Or if its been scribbled over

Its not like the name belongs to me anymore anyway

I wonder how many little girls closets Ive slept in

I hope the fabric is still soft and warm

The breakdown of a million washes before the next

I hope they never have to wear dayclothes under on pyjama day

Do they hate food the same way I do?

A broken chime gargles from the fire

How much have I wasted my life already?

How much am I like my parents?

What lessons have I learned?

Kindness?

Helplessness?

Anger?

I look deep into my moms eyes and grab her hand

Its small, and i look down

A child’s hand in mine

I look up again and there she is

My mother, a child, crying

She looks so small and afraid

Wearing the coat I grew up in

A blink and shes gone

And Im alone

Do my parents miss me?

I miss them

I sit with them at night

Television as white noise

And wonder where they went

How much love did they miss

What do they crave?

My mother wants a mother

My father wants one too

I have no one to turn to

I cannot ask for help

All i want is soup and to be held

I miss my mom.

She does too.

How do you break a cycle?