part0714

[part0714]

What if this world started over?

What if there was no more people on this world? Recently a distant relative passed away and it got me thinking about the circle of this life. We are born so new and little. We know nothing. We don't even know how to feed ourselves or talk. On a basic logical level, the ones(family) who came before us teach us how to live in this world. Then, as time goes on, we grow and the cycle is repeated/ The same cycle, just turned around. Now the ones who were taught are doing the teaching. Times goes on and then you die. Hopefully, our faith (those who believe)is correct and we go to “heaven.” A better place. A new type of world. I wonder if someone will be there to teach us how to be there or if we will just know how to live in that place.

My thoughts continued beyond that.This cycle of life repeats and repeats... and repeats. I think about the first people on earth. How much alike they were to ourselves. But, this world was different. That term is used a lot , but it usually means how people are different. But the world , as in this earth was different. I wonder what it was like to figure it out and not be taught by someone before us.

Then, I wonder. What if everyone was unable to have kids one day. The cycle would end. What would happen to this planet if nature took over. Only animals and creatures. Buildings and cities would be overtaken by plants and trees and then turned into ruins. 

Then, I wonder what if only two people were placed on this Earth. Alone. It would be a new beginning. The funny thing is. It would become the same cycle, but just starting over. It’s funny to think about that happening. Those two people would think they were the very first people on this Earth. They wouldn't know that not only were there not the first people here, but before them  there was millions of people here. 

They would have to figure out how to live. Then, they would teach their kids. The cycle then goes on repeat. There would be new stories. New history. How would that play out if there were different people rewriting a new past. Would there be stories of Moses, David and Goliath, even Jesus?

Would there be repeated tragedies of just our recent past? Hitler? 911? How would new-different people live life. What choices will they make? Will those choices lead to a new outcome of events in life?

We live our life with the same pattern everyday. What if all of us decided to change the pattern. Would we- Could we do great things and turn this world upside down? Make it happy. Only people caring about each other.

Its all weird to think about

[part0714]

A cute little Birdie

So. It’s 9:30 am and I've already called it a day. It’s just one of those days. Nothing terrible has happened, but since yesterday everything has been a struggle. 

On my way home yesterday, I may have looked a cute little birdie flying while I was driving through my neighborhood. With one glance away, it must have looked like I was trying to hit the pothole on the edge of the road. I hit it so perfectly wrong that I cut my tire open. All I could do was think how am I going to explain this to my husband to where I wouldn't look like an idiot. I couldn't come up with anything so I told him I saw a cute little bird flying. There were no words after my explanation- from either one of us. Although, I did laugh while staring into his eyes because he's the total opposite of me and I knew he can't imagine himself doing what I did.

I know deep down he wanted to be upset, but he couldn’t be. He knows I wouldn't do that on purpose and things happen. Anyways, bright side is its still under warranty and he's bringing it to the dealership later today.

So that's really where the problems started. I’ve been in a nonstop cycle of panic attacks and trying really hard to turn that ship around. So, my daughter had a check up appointment at the hospital an hour away today.  We didn't go. My husband has a spare car, but the inspection sticker is out date, has a cracked windshield, and had a flat tire( he thinks it was from sitting too long). So, he put air in it and told me it should hold and if I get stopped by a cop just explain the situation. I pretended that none of that made me anxious. Because it all did.

My 4 year old son was up all night after wetting the bed. I normally would let him stay home from pre-k for no sleep. But, being that my daughter’s appointment was at a hospital, siblings aren't allowed. 

So that's ok... until......I kept getting notifications of the upcoming bad rain. My thoughts were “I can't drive when its not raining, how am I gonna drive in the rain with a cracked windshield?” Of course, I know that I’m being ridiculous so I drank 2 cups of water and  told myself, “let’s do this!” As if I’m headed to war. With all that thinking, I was running late. At the last minute, I go to get my son’s lunch ready when I notice his lunchbox and entire book-sack is soaking wet because his cup opened and spilled inside. I looked at the clock. Then, I told both my kids we were calling it a day and just staying home. I was done. It didn't take much, but I’m really at my limit lately. I’m waiting for the day I totally lose my mind and just stare at a wall mumbling sounds. 

The good news is . Tomorrow will be a fresh new day.

[part0714]

While we wait

So here I am again.  if de-stressing is my goal, then I’m failing at the start. Last night I realized that I had not taken my anxiety meds in over 3 days. Why? Because I forgot to pick up the prescription and I only just now noticed.

This is unbelievable. It was only last month (last prescription) that I lost track of it and missed doses. By the time I realized it, I was in full drug addict withdrawals. It was late in the day when I realized my prescription was actually not filled because my Dr. denied it. Why? Because I needed the psychologist dr. To fill it and not the neurologist(who originally put me on it). I don’t have a psychologist. I do now though. Anyways,  I had a panic attack over the phone and screaming at them for not refilling what they put me on. I got it fixed and swore I would never forget and wait until the last minute to fill it.Well, that didn’t work out like I planned. On a brighter note, someone scheduled me an appointment with a psychologist. If I had to guess , it was probably my neurologist. The one I chewed out and had a panic attack with. Referring me to a psychologist was a smart moved though. Point of all this, I can’t keep myself straight. Good luck to my future psychologist.

So, it did help to write yesterday. I thought I’d be good for a few days until I write again. But, last night, I found myself switching from happy to “ people are buttholes” in about 2.3 seconds. Why?  We are still waiting on the results of the biopsy. To be honest, I am not sure if it’s  going to be ok. But with soccer tryouts starting yesterday, I already spoke to the assistant coach and asked if anything can she sit on the bench during the games. He said absolutely and she can wear her game jersey too.  The assistant coach of the younger team sat with us and said it was crazy to think my daughter wouldn’t be on the team again. I said response that there’s only so many spots though and we don’t know how long my daughter will be out. She seemed to think it didn’t matter because my daughter is pretty dang good. I was thrilled. Because for me, reality was her likely not making it again since we have no idea what’s going on. But being there gave me a whole new outlook and hope. That was short lived.

I spoke to the coach of the younger coach who I’m friends with and has coached my daughter before and she said there is talk of her not making the team since we don’t have answers. Great! Wonderful. So , now the “the waiting game’’ just got more miserable. It’s reality, but she’s worked so hard for years just to play for the school. The only thing I can think is, first, let’s pray she’s ok. Second, if she can’t maybe this will make her spirit stronger. You know, ‘’‘’what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’’ thing.

It’s so hard for me to realize how serious sports are. In the off season, she does a lot of recreational teams. It’s much more relaxed. As I sat yesterday, I heard moms talking about the summer and apparently some did league soccer over the summer. We can’t do that. We do not have that kind of money. So, yesterday it was a wake up call. No matter how hard you work or even how good you are, they will drop you and move on. That’s not so horrible being that the “real world’’ works the same way. But, these are 8th graders.KIDS. In a small country town. Really? So if she can’t play,  does she lose her friends too? It’s starting to look that way.

So where are we now. Let’s say she can’t play this season. It happens. But will she get discouraged and forget about something she’s work so hard it? I don’t think so because she love the competition the games bring, BUT, I don’t want her to be sad this season if she is out. I guess I’ll make plans to encourage her to have a “side hobby’’ like art or something. Something she can still do to have goals and that feeling of being proud of herself.

Why does all of what SHE’S going through get me so down? It all just a shock. She’s always been my ““Healthy kid.’’ Now what?

One thing is for sure, I need to work on my attitude because within two hours I went from literally saying out loud “ I’m so happy we moved out here( in the country) everyone is like family. To ‘’‘everybody are buttholes we should just not speak to anyone ever again.’’

I don’t know if that attitude is more on the dramatic side or just ‘’girl got issues’’ side. Probably, both. For now my thoughts will stay in my head because I don’t want my kids to learn to be that way.  With all of this said , I’m presuming she is ok. When the results come in, I may not care anything about all of this.

[part0714]

A Revelation little by little

So here I am, 38 years old with 3 kids having panic attacks almost every day. I’m on 5 different medications and I’m still a hot mess. What is a girl to do? Maybe write.

I just want to stop having panic attacks. They are a bit a hindrance when taking care of a family. I tried to look back to see where it all went wrong. As I looked back in time, I have realized that I haven’t stopped long enough in life to even realize how far I have come, how different I am from the person I was 20 years ago.  So here I am. Me : who am I? The last thing I remember of that person inside was a college girl whose biggest concern was if my tan looked good, if I was in perfect shape, if my make up and hair was on point.

Now?

Make up? Me:what’s that brush for? Spray? There’s a spray now? You spray stuff on your face? Contouring? Are we all make up artists now? These days all I know is how to put lotion on my face. That’s it.

In shape? Now, my goal isn’t to be perfectly pretty. It’s to be healthy enough to not die from high cholesterol.

And there’s the tan. The color of my skin never even occurs to me anymore. Let’s accomplish the basics first.

So, now that I’ve covered who I was then. Who am I now? Cue panic attack.

I am 38. I am on medications to prevent seizures, anxiety (clearly not working), insomnia and migraines(not really working wither) and also medication for adult acne.

I have 3 kids. It would be so simple to end at that. But no. One has sickle cell. It has been countless trips to hospital, transfusions, surgery, sickness and pain. There’s no way to relax and forget about it as she needs medications daily along with temperature checks and a constant reminder to hydrate.

Then there’s my other two. Perfectly healthy. No. Hold up. Wait a minute.WAS perfectly heathy. My oldest (almost 14) who loves soccer, and in my eyes the star of the team has turned yellow.

Yellow? Yes. Out of nowhere. Girl straight up turned yellow.That started months ago. Now it’s a waiting game. Tests after tests. Still no answers. Her liver and spleen are swollen and now she’s stuck on the bench while we wait to figure out how to fix her. After a liver biopsy, we are one step closer. 

So far my youngest is still still hanging in there with no problems other than being an energetic boy.

I recently made a TIKTOK about my worries. That went wrong. I got a comment “hopefully You’re not making your kids sick.” That cut deep. I try so hard to not JUST keep them healthy, but I try to have them in sports, art, or something that enhances their growth to create strength, joy, and to be overall proud of themselves.

BUT, the “Karen” wasn’t wrong. How could that not cross people’s mind? I now have 2 out of 3 kids with serious health problems. It hurts my heart that they are children going through such things. Their health should be the least of a kids worry and concern. Not only does watching them go through this hurt, but now I can’t vent without people presuming I am the cause of their problems.

AND THERE IT IS! A revelation. Maybe only a piece of my stress. I have felt that it was my fault. Sickle cell is genetic. We sought counseling before getting pregnant. What we didn’t know was the Dr. we saw was ignorant. So , there I was watching my little girl vomit and almost pass out while nurses ran to her. She was getting some blood exchanged to be able to have surgery. That was the moment I thought, ““This is my fault.”

I cried 

It was my fault this sweet child has to go through this. It’s genetic. In my logical mind I know it’s not my fault, but it feels like I am. Well I think that’s enough “growing for today.” See you next time